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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 28/09/2019 20:50

OP that's a good update. Sounds like he is beginning to understand. your sister is a twit and it was very wrong of her to hijack your weekend.

But hopefully your dp can make it up to you. Thanks

Italiangreyhound · 28/09/2019 20:51

PS I hope your sister is in charge of meals, I'd email her and say as it was her idea you hope she's got it covered!!

Zucker · 28/09/2019 20:54

Ffs I'm annoyed on your behalf OP. I can't wait to hear exactly how the division of labour goes on your "holiday treat".

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 28/09/2019 21:08

@Italiangreyhound true my sister hasn't thought about this either. She also doesn't have kids so she probably really get the difference in the weekends.

OP posts:
ExcusezMonFrancais · 28/09/2019 21:15

I would definitely email your sister and mother and be very open and honest with everyone.
'Hello Sister/Mother, DP has finally been honest with me and told me I am not getting the birthday I have been dreaming of these past 6 months. To be honest with you, I am extremely upset and disapointed that the plans I made have been changed. I hope you have every aspect of the weekend planned? As this was your idea I'm going to let you do all the work that will be required to look after, feed and sort out 4 children and 6 adults for the weekend.
As I said, I am really upset and disapointed that I am not going to spend my birthday as I had planned. In future, I would appreciate it if you did not hijack my plans and force your decisions on me.'

He seemed to completely miss the point that I had my heart set on our plan and seemed certain that plan B would be much more to my liking.

This would be my concern. Why would your DP listen to your sister over you? You told him exactly what you wanted, but instead he booked what your sister wanted and still 'seems certain that plan B would be much more to my liking'. Despite seeing how upset you are he still thinks you will prefer your sister's idea? Confused

I'm also suprised at your mum. You also told her what you wanted and she still chose what your sister wanted for your birthday? You haven't mentioned your family history OP. Does your sister have form for taking over your plans? Does your mum have form for taking your sister's side on these things?

And why did your DH think bringing his own kids was a good idea? This whole weekend seems to be about what other people want. It's a shame it's all been booked on your birthday weekend.

Sorry it hasn't worked out the way you planned OP. I honestly don't think I would go. Your mum said she would look after your children that weekend, so send them with your DP. He can look after his own kids. Your sister and her DP can have the weekend they wanted. You can book yourself into a spa and maybe an evening out with your girlfriends?

ChicCroissant · 28/09/2019 21:19

He still hasn't actually done anything about making it better for you though, OP. This is the red flag for me. It's just all hand-wringing and putting the blame on your sister - even if it was her idea, he could have said no.

Do you have to drive yourself to the cottage?

PicsInRed · 28/09/2019 21:20

I actually think its really sinister that he has involved your family in betraying 6 months of your planning and excited anticipation of your 40th.

I would question his assertion that it's your sisters idea, you're correct to question why your parents would have agreed to babysit if they knew all along that you were going to have a big family do.

The biggest tell is that he says he had to "swap" weekends with the ex. But you already said they don't have a fixed schedule due to his work, it's ad hoc.

He's bullshitting you.

Don't marry him. Hes already working to put a wedge between you and your family, making them his team, rather than yours. And when you call him on ruining your relaxed, children 40th, he's "welling up" and you end up with more work, managing his fucking feelings. 🤮

He's one bad news bear.

CharityDingle · 28/09/2019 21:21

He said he was really sorry he got this so wrong and hadn't thought about it properly. He wished he'd discussed it with me instead of assuming.

Well he should be sorry, FFS. OP, you make sure that you sit back and relax and let him and your sister and anyone else who thought it was fine to completely change what you wanted, do the work involved.

cakewench · 28/09/2019 21:22

Any adult within planning distance of the original birthday plans would understand you wanted an adult getaway (parents booked for babysitting + cottage and hot tub). Genuinely everyone has failed you here. I suppose he could be planning a proposal but god even that should be within your clearly expressed desires for a weekend away without children.

Please leave all the details of this to him. Do not plan meals or anything. I see you're worried about it being shit if you don't help: DO NOT worry about this. Let all of the happy surprise planning people plan this. Literally just sit there and wait to be fed/ entertained.

I'm sorry.

hammeringinmyhead · 28/09/2019 21:22

You really need to bring up the mum-work aspect of this. You're not the "host" even though it's your celebration and as such will not be cooking or organising activities/taxis to pubs for meals/etc.

Queenest · 28/09/2019 21:25

I bloody hate surprise birthdays!

Loopytiles · 28/09/2019 21:26

So have you had the discussion about him doing the work?

Span1elsRock · 28/09/2019 21:26

He's not really getting it, though, is he OP?

I feel so mad on your behalf that your wishes been utterly trampled on by people who profess to love you.

RightYesButNo · 28/09/2019 21:27

Absolutely yes to what @ExcusezMonFrancais. All of it. Send an email/text in advance. Be blunt!

It sounds suspicious as shite the way this has all fallen out, and I’m concerned about the dynamic that it seems your sister’s wants have been listened to on YOUR birthday. Is this common in your family?

Please, PLEASE be perfectly clear with them before the weekend commences that they are responsible for everything, or else I think you will end up not just gutted but furious by the end of it to discover that they think their big contribution will be watching the kids for a single space of a few hours one evening so you can spend some time with DP and that’s it, if even that. Nip that shite in the bud.

Queenest · 28/09/2019 21:29

I had a big birthday this year and celebrated with a weekend away in a cottage (4 months after the birthday when the weather was better) and it really didn’t matter that it wasn’t in my birthday month. It was nice to continue the celebrations 🥳

myolivetree · 28/09/2019 21:35

I'd be murderous.

It's not that you won't or can't have fun with the whole bunch there - after all they're your nearest and dearest. But it's actually the complete contrast with what you had actually hoped for that is SO SO gutting.

A busy, rowdy raucous weekend with all ages and lots of running around with the kids and big, communal cook ups ( I really can not see you getting out of that ) is lots of fun but totally different from the unadulterated luxury of nothing to do except hang out with your guy and the hot tub for a whole weekend. Such a contrast.

I think you've got to suck it up , go and put a good face on and enjoy it for what it is BUT expect the other weekend as planned at some point in the future. Birthday part 2.

mrshousty · 28/09/2019 21:35

I'm in same boat. Not going to go into it all but its 40th too 😥 so I know exactly how you feel and you're not being unreasonable. You're only going to turn 40 once. It's an important birthday and you should get to do what you want. Thing is... he'll have already invited everyone and would be embarrassing for him to uninvite them so I would insist on having another break away before or after to make up for it 😉

TheWernethWife · 28/09/2019 21:45

I would tell him to stick booking another weekend, he'd probably turn that into a trip to bloody Butlins.

Itallt0omuch · 28/09/2019 22:04

It's done now, you've both had your say, he has apologised and he's going to rebook the cottage you wanted. Time for you to move on now.

meercat23 · 28/09/2019 22:05

OP has he said who is expected to be in charge of catering? Hopefully your sister since it was all her idea. Planning the shopping to make sure everything necessary is there is one thing, doing all the work and cooking once you get there is quite another.

I hope you enjoy it all despite the fact that it is not at all what you hoped for. I hope too that they really do not expect you to be chief cook and bottle washer.

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 28/09/2019 22:22

I did also ask him if there were any plans of what we are doing when we're there. Apparently not yet. I haven't even looked at the cottage yet. My brain just isn't in gear for it yet.

OP posts:
Greenmarmalade · 28/09/2019 22:23

I feel furious reading this, including your update. To echo pp, definitely make sure everyone knows you are not cleaning or cooking, and your partner can pack for the kids.

I’d be asking for it to be cancelled, though. I would resent it and it would ruin the weekend for me. I’d hate a weekend away with my whole family plus all the kids. Child free weekend break? Yes please!

Greenmarmalade · 28/09/2019 22:25

Just read your update.
Let them all go away and have fun.
You go away to a spa with a friend!

JamieFrasersSassenach · 28/09/2019 22:27

Honestly, at this point I would be saying to him -“ I am only packing for me, I am doing no cooking, cleaning or childcare while we are there and I expect at least 1 meal out on our own. If that is not what you’ve arranged then you’re all going without me.”
And I would mean it - if he’s that upset about it he ought to be bending over backwards for you.

billy1966 · 28/09/2019 22:31

Sorry OP, but I still don't understand why he completely changed the arrangements you specified as your preferred birthday weekend, for some suggestion your childless sister made.

I don't believe him.
I wouldn't trust him.
Whomever this weekend is about, it most certainly isn't about you.

Nothing up have written adds up.

I think you should put your mother and sister straight too.