...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

[TheresAMouse]

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

I'm sticking with my earlier suggestion of going to a spa by yourself. He knew you wanted a relaxing, child-free weekend as did your parents. He's fucked up, so can spend the weekend with your family looking after the kids, and you get the relaxation you wanted in the first place.

Op when your dp next days about he wants to talk to you about plans for the weekend, make sure you reply along the lines of you’re keen to listen to all his plans for the weekend - if he has been planning this for months then he has had plenty of time to make plans, to book a meal out as a special on your actual birthday, sorted out a list of different options of activities to do on the day (to give you the choice and if they are weather dependent etc.

After all you have been working on the basis of a completely different weekend elsewhere which he has misguidedly let you dream about for for the last 6 months. He is the one that has had all this time to work out all the details in the interim...

Him having a couple of options to choose between depending on the weather or what you prefer - fine. Expecting you to do anything more to plan it - not on.

Id be gutted too and if hes so upset he can organise and look after all the kids cant he instead of trying to make you feel bad

My husband of 40 years would totally do something like this. I love my family and he wouldn’t understand why something like this would upset me. He has done it on a smaller scale, but I have learned over the years to accept it as another facet of the man I love. I hope you can enjoy your birthday, even though it’s more of a shock than a surprise. How about organising a child-free weekend for the 2 of you another time?

Be grateful that your partner made the effort at all. My husband of 15 years did sweet FA for my 40th or our 10 year anniversary which were in the same year!! I had to organise my own night out and we didn’t do anything for the anniversary as I was so pissed off at his attitude!

I can understand why you’re upset. I think we all would be. Perhaps men don’t quite get why women look forward to a break from the kids so much as they generally don’t do the hard work.

However - just enjoy the fact your family all want to share this milestone with you. One day they won’t be around and you’ll be glad you shared what will be a fun filled weekend. I think this guy is getting a hard time, he clearly meant no malice. Maybe after the event explain to him how much it means to you to have a break away from the kids. It’s booked and everyone is looking forward to it. Just go and enjoy it - and Happy 40th

Why can’t you do both?

Be grateful that your partner made the effort at all. My husband of 15 years did sweet FA for my 40th or our 10 year anniversary which were in the same year!! I had to organise my own night out and we didn’t do anything for the anniversary as I was so pissed off at his attitude!

OP doesn't have to be grateful because of your Husband's shortcomings

MrsBadcrumble123: “Be grateful that your partner made the effort at all. My husband of 15 years did sweet FA for my 40th or our 10 year anniversary which were in the same year!! “

Mine did nothing for my 40th, or 30th or indeed 50th. Or any in between. And has NEVER remembered our wedding anniversary. I find it pretty unforgivable, so please don’t turn into a bitter old thing (like me). If your DH has deliberately decided to do the exact opposite of your wishes, and then have the gall to cry crocodile tears over your alleged lack of appreciation at his efforts/sabotage then ask yourself where this relationship will be in 10 years time. If you have only been together 2 years and do not have children together then perhaps you should consider whether this is the man that you want you and your children to be with. Please stand up for yourself and your wishes here. Good luck.

Just go and enjoy. My DH told me of a fantastic evening he had planned for my 30th birthday, as a cover for a surprise party he was arranging. I was so looking forward to the evening and was briefly disappointed when he made an excuse for returning home and friends and family were there. However, I had a brilliant evening and many years later treasure the memory of it so much more than if we had gone to the theater and a meal out by ourselves. I hope you have a brilliant weekend and Congratulations on your 40th! You can book a weekend away for the two of you another time but you won't have another 40th birthday.

I'd be really upset too. I almost had a similar scenario last year, but my husband knows me well enough to understand what I want and tipped me off to my mum's plans, which he successfully managed to avert.

I understand you completely, OP. Now you have so graciously accepted that this is going to happen in a completely different way from what you were looking forward to, please make sure that when you and your OH have a chat about it, that he understands that you expect him to take responsiblity for organising absolutely everything for the entire week-end, without your participation, and including his looking after both his own children and yours, so you can have a break from your daily routine and hopefully also a bit of a rest from your daily chores. If you are going to have to "host" the whole week-end, by yourself with all the forethought and preparation that goes into something like that, then if I were you, I wouldn't go.

I am sorry you are not getting the birthday celebration you were hoping for, I would feel exactly the same. However, I can also see why he thought he was arranging a fab surprise for you. My advice is, go with it, and enjoy the weekend for what it is. Take lots of pictures and one day you might be really pleased you have those memories of a special birthday, as will those who attended. Some people on Mumsnet would probably give anything to spend time with certain members of their families that just isn't possible now. Just make sure you book a separate weekend for you and your partner - perhaps as a surprise for him on his birthday or as a Christmas present to each other? I hope you all enjoy your birthday surprise and make some special memories.

YANBU, I can see why it’s annoying. But I’d go and make the most of it, you might end up having a lovely time

It's not what you had planned but it's lovely that he's gone to all that effort. I'd go and enjoy it 😊

@Fowles94
But he’s not gone to all that effort! What’s the betting OP will be organising everything, pre and during the weekend, or that will be the expectation at least.

You can book a weekend away for the two of you another time but you won't have another 40th birthday.

That's the problem. She was asked what she wanted for her big birthday. He had one job (book the hot tub cottage for two she'd found).

He did the complete opposite and didn't tell her till it was a done deal.

So no, she won't get her 40th birthday.

Life is so short that tbh I would make the most of spending the time with hour family while you can and book another weekend away shortly afterwards just the two of you if you can afford it. My initial reaction would have been the same though

@CharlottedeGaulle OP said he's already booked it so I would trust him. I'd be happy, doesn't mean others have to be. At the end of the day she can book another weekend away without everyone else. It's only a birthday.

perhaps as a surprise for him on his birthday or as a Christmas present to each other?

The OP's DP has ruined her birthday so I don't understand all these people telling her to 'suck it up' 'go have a lovely time' the guests will all be dead soon so you should be grateful your DP has done this for you. Do something lovely for him, like book the cottage you wanted and he pretended to get for you where you were child free and had nothing to worry about other than turning up. Why should the DP get a child free birthday treat? Won't all the relatives be dead soon after his birthday as well? Shouldn't he be spending that time with them and be grateful?
It's as if you're trying to make the OP feel guilty that she wanted to spend a weekend alone celebrating her birthday with her partner. But then telling the OP to give her DP what he refused to give her (a child free romantic birthday).

As usual - if you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself.

OP I'm torn - celebrating a big birthday with all my loved ones around sounds amazing to me, and I'd be so happy if my DP organised that for me. But I'm not you.
If you can go on the couple weekend soon after it might balance out?
But there's also the issue of DP overriding your stated wishes. Only you can really discern what his motives were there.
Happy 40th Birthday OP, I hope you can enjoy it whatever happens x

I'd just go along with it then ask the parents to have the kids another weekend and go for take two. If your partner knows you are disappointed then perhaps he will not spring a surprise on you again.

YANBU
Herein lies the reason I hate surprises....

We had a proper chat about it today. I asked him how the arrangement had come about. Apparently it was my sister's idea and this was the date they were all available. The idea was that we would be going to coupley cottage no. 1 and then 'surprise' - we'd end up at bigger cottage no. 2 and everyone would be there. He realised the plan wouldn't work when my parents were not going to be at mine beforehand to look after the kids.

I thought he'd arranged for his kids to be with their mum that weekend. They are now coming along so I asked about that. Apparently he swapped the weekend so that he could take me on the previous weekend away.

I was completely honest about how gutted I felt about the whole thing. I'd been looking forward to what I'd planned for the past 6 months and am baffled that no-one stopped to think...hang on a second, is she really going to be happy that we're cancelling her original plan?. Apparently everyone is expecting me to love this idea more. I explained I felt like my wishes were completely dismissed by both him and my family and I still can't get my head around why they didn't arrange it for a different weekend so that we could stick with our plans too.

I asked him how he thought I'd react when he told me. He said he thought I'd be delighted about it.

He's apologised plenty and says he completely understands how I'm feeling. He seemed to completely miss the point that I had my heart set on our plan and seemed certain that plan B would be much more to my liking. I'm honestly baffled by it and also my mum when I'd asked her to babysit for me.

He's said he wants to arrange a date we can book the cottage but I wish he'd thought of booking it in before all of this.

I know he feels genuinely awful about all of this. It seems like such a messy plan in every way. He said he was really sorry he got this so wrong and hadn't thought about it properly. He wished he'd discussed it with me instead of assuming. He said he wouldn't ever do anything like this again.

I know PPs have put forward the idea of a proposal but I'm really not getting the impression that that's what this is and more so as my sister has instigated this.

I have demanded pancakes for my birthday breakfast and said their will be war if anyone even thinks about making an omelette!

@WhenOneDoorClosesAnotherOpens

Exactly.

Some on here set a very, very low bar, and/or are bitter about their own experiences, so think the OP should just deal. Odd.

I myself had a thoughtless husband, who didn’t do anything for me for bdays after the first year of marriage (“F your 30th birthday! Everyone turns 30!”), no surprise same for anniversaries. Yes, I did for him until toward the end, so not a case of pot meet kettle.

That certainly doesn’t mean that others (whichever sex) should shut up and simply be happy their partners did anything at all.

He hasn’t gone to any trouble as he’s done the simple stuff, inviting and booking (despite OP’s clear wishes 6 months ago). The effort is in the work that awaits.

He knew what she wants and bulldozed over those plans, with plenty of time to not organize what he wants. When she showed what she wanted, he should have thought, oh, my idea is all wrong. Time to tell people it’s off, and we’ll get together as extended family another time.

@TheresAMouse I don’t know what to tell you other than make sure to ask him, “what itinerary have you got? What are your plans to look after the children? I’m excited to see what you prepare for meals!”

Good luck with everything, and Happy Birthday.