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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 28/09/2019 14:58

I wonder if people would be so hard on the bloke if the sexes were reversed. He cocked up, but it doesn't feel like it was maliciously - a true arse would have just arranged nothing.

He also organised a consolation weekend - albeit not in the correct cottage and without telling OP what he was making up for.

He made a mistake and now feels bad about it. I'd see how the weekend with family works out and give him strong encouragement to book correct cottage, but I'm not sure he deserves tarring and feathering.

CrotchetyQuaver · 28/09/2019 15:06

Oh dear. You must tell him how unhappy you are about his change from the plan. He also needs to sort everything out, not you. It's not your problem. I'd also be telling my parents I wasn't happy about the arrangements either.

Horsemad · 28/09/2019 15:10

I would refuse to go.

My nearest & dearest have been told to never spring a surprise like this & I'd have no hesitation in walking out if, for instance, a surprise party had been arranged,
And as for a public proposal...!!! Hmm

I also think it has been altered because he needs to have his DC that weekend.

And I wouldn't care if he took me away, just us two every weekend for a year to make up - it wouldn't be my birthday weekend, so the moment would have been lost.

MumW · 28/09/2019 15:12

"he did want to talk about plans for it last night but I said I wanted to wait til next week. I'm not quite in the zone at the moment."
I'm with @GrandmaSteglitszch's
What's to talk about?
He's organising and doing it all.

I do get your point about it being a disaster if you leave it to him to organise but I'd still give him the list posted somewhere above and at least let him think that you're leaving it all to him for a bit. and report back here what happens so we can share his panic

Horsemad · 28/09/2019 15:13

And also; had your parents already booked flights & then had to make new arrangements??

SmudgeButt · 28/09/2019 15:25

Any chance he can adjust the booking so the family including kids is in one cottage/building and you and DH are in your tiddly cottage with the hot tub? Family celebration with the option to say "oh I'm so worn out, please dearest lets go back to ours for an early night!"

And then spend the night in the hot tub!!

AMillionMugsNoTeabags · 28/09/2019 15:28

He cocked up, but it doesn't feel like it was maliciously - a true arse would have just arranged nothing.

I could definitely agree with that if op had said, “it would be great to book a cottage for my birthday....” and nothing else.

Sure, a thoughtless, “wouldn’t it be great to have a big family weekend” would be a cock up in those circs - but this... this is a deliberate 180 from the v detailed wish list op set out. That’s not a thoughtless cock up - after all it would have taken a lot less thought to just click ‘book’ on the hot tub cottage. I’m with pp, this looks more like “I know [op] better than she knows herself”. Which for me, would be a massive turn off.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 28/09/2019 15:38

As my toddler was tantrumming this morning I really wanted to say "and we have this to look forward to on my birthday weekend now too" but I bit my tongue 😁

You shouldn't have bitten your tongue. You're placating him instead of being fucking angry at him. Being 'nice' shouldn't mean being a doormat OP.

And now you are being a mouse again by allowing this man to wipe his feet all over you and your relationship. You really do not want doormat written on your forehead.

Attila is right.

Seeingadistance · 28/09/2019 16:17

I think most of us who’ve suggested that a public proposal might be on the cards have done so because it fits with the selfish, self-centred, tone-deaf behaviour of a man who has deliberately replaced the OP’s plans with his own.

A public proposal would be confirmation for me that this very definitely not the person I want to marry. And tbh, speaking with the benefit of my own past mistakes behind me, I would end a relationship with anyone who did what the OP’s partner has done.

CallmeAngelina · 28/09/2019 16:25

I've just had a conversation with dh. I mentioned I was going to take my car to be valeted. "Oh, I'll wash it for you tomorrow," he said, "and then you can do the inside."
"But I don't want to do the inside," I said. "I want someone else to do it. That is why I am taking it to be valeted."
Cue: dh mildly annoyed, "but I offered to wash it for you. I was trying to be nice. All you have to do is the inside."
Me: "I DON'T WANT TO DO THE EFFING INSIDE!!!"
DH: It will save money.
Me: I don't want or need to save that money - I've "budgeted that the money is worth it for me not to have to do it myself."
DH: harrumph.

Yes, it was nice for him to offer to wash my car for me, but his "nice" offer actually means more work for me, and he was slightly pissed off that I objected to that. also he leaves smears on it

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/09/2019 16:46

@TheresAMouse - I agree with the previous posters who have said you definitely should leave him to do the organising, packing, sorting the days out etc. There is a very comprehensive list on here - print that out and give it to him, and let him get on with it.

And when you are away, you do not lift a finger. Do fun stuff with your children sure - but none of the work.

bluebeck · 28/09/2019 17:00

You are a much nicer/better person than me OP

I would have gone batshit and refused to attend.

I hope you have a good time but you are absolutely NBU and your DP has been very manipulative.

billy1966 · 28/09/2019 17:13

And if he proposes 🙄in front of your family, run, run as fast as you can.

Public proposals are beyond tacky IMO.

All about the proposer.🙄

BumbleBeee69 · 28/09/2019 17:21

CallmeAngelina

I hear ya.. I truly hear ya.. and get it Flowers

I hope you got the valet Grin

Loveyou3000 · 28/09/2019 17:26

I'd have been beyond annoyed, you had made it quite clear what you wanted to do!

TonTonMacoute · 28/09/2019 17:29

YADNBU

You specifically chose what you wanted to do for your birthday, chose the actual cottage, arranged your parents - and he has done something else.

I would definitely be letting him know how annoyed I was, he overruled your choice and thought he knew better than you what you wanted.

Fishingsea · 28/09/2019 17:34

I would try to hide my disappointment,,,,,Then I would have a 'Girly' weekend away with my mates,

saraclara · 28/09/2019 17:45

He was welling up because he feels sorry for himself.

Oh for goodness' sake. When you get teary because you've just hurt someone, is it because you feel sorry for yourself?
Why are so many people determined to put the absolute worst interpretation on things.

I'm sure that the OP's husband is gutted that she's so upset and that he's the cause of it. That's not feeling sorry for yourself. That's being upset for your partner.

He made a big mistake and he knows it. But he didn't do it out of spite. He thought he was doing a nice thing.

B9ddy · 28/09/2019 17:51

be glad you are alive have nothing wrong with you have family and children and a partner who cares enough to actually bother going to a lot of trouble for you

AMillionMugsNoTeabags · 28/09/2019 17:51

He thought he was doing a nice thing.

But he KNEW he was going directly against what the op had set out in detail she wanted. How come he gets to decide what’s ‘nice’ and op doesn’t?

goblynn · 28/09/2019 18:00

YANBU...he tried, but it’s not as if you hadn’t made your preferences known. Surely he picked up on that!

...if it makes you feel any better, my 40th passed with no fanfare. At all. For my DH’s 40th, I planned a small, catered party for him (family only, as we don’t have a great deal to spare financially). He knew it was happening, but not the details, so he was still pleased about the turnout.

Next spring, I turned 40. He did absolutely nothing, and his reasoning was that he didn’t know what to plan. He’d expected me to do it. Hmm

TonTonMacoute · 28/09/2019 18:01

He thought he was doing a nice thing.

But he KNEW he was going directly against what the op had set out in detail she wanted. How come he gets to decide what’s ‘nice’ and op doesn’t?

This^*

If OP had just been dropping hints, and he'd got the wrong idea fair enough. But she chose the actual cottage she wanted, and he did something else!

TW10Mum · 28/09/2019 18:06

I’d be annoyed too! And then very worried about what food etc everyone would bring, who will do the kids packing etc?! It’s not the nice relaxing break you wanted - hope he’ll make that up to you too?

My mum asked me for ideas last birthday as I wanted experiences - I included the Dining in the dark restaurant as I’ve always wanted to go. She bought me a voucher for dinner for one! In the pitch dark .... had to explain it to her and she said wait for my DH’s birthday and she’d get him the same .... 4 months later.

I hope you have a lovely birthday - I’d be tempted to go away on my own!!!

jillb55 · 28/09/2019 18:08

Surprise parties are not always the best way. I have arranged two. The worst was for my DD's 21st. She was working that day and I arranged for our family and friends to meet up at my sister's house, 3 miles away. We had a huge BBQ arranged, presents, friends and a lovely firework display. She always arranged lovely birthdays for us so I wanted something really special. But when she came home from work, she saw our bare house and was really tearful. It was touch and go that I persuaded her to come over to my sister's. It ended well but I would do it otherwise next time.

Celestine70 · 28/09/2019 18:09

YANBU. I would be mad.