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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
Whyisshedoingit · 28/09/2019 13:01

@GhoulWithADragonTattoo Hmm OP has said she's disappointed so how is it excellent?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/09/2019 13:05

Do not take any hand in planning. He messed up and he can continue with this on his own.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/09/2019 13:07

I would not be attending this weekend gathering. I would instead be wondering if this relationship with him is at all worth continuing.

Sagradafamiliar · 28/09/2019 13:12

That's not a surprise, that's just a changing of your plans.
If it was a surprise, you'd have got there and they'd have all jumped out yelling 'surprise!!!' (thank god for small mercies- knowing in advance). Bloody weird and horrible.

Whyisshedoingit · 28/09/2019 13:14

@TheresAMouse The only guess I have is that my family may have approached him with the idea and he felt he should oblige.

You're making excuses for him. Also that speech he made about he feels he's made you feel awful is a huge red flag.

Open your eyes OP. He is manipulative & selfish. He has turned a birthday treat for you into something that suits him & his kids.

Genuinely LTB

Aaarrgghhh · 28/09/2019 13:17

NO.

Let it be a bigger disaster, if he's not up to it.

if it really is supposed to be a present for you and for you to have a relaxing time, he takes over the whole thing.

I can guarantee you will be seeing red if you return exhausted from a trip which has basically meant facilitating everyone and everything to hear him congratulating himself on how 'it was actually lovely in the end, don't you agree?'

Oh, and on the question of 'how did I get it so wrong, wail wail' - you could just tell him. 'Because you decided you knew better than me what I wanted for me birthday - you totally patronised me.'

This. Don’t do anything, if it goes wrong well, it’s on him and it wouldn’t have happened if he listened to you.

ChicCroissant · 28/09/2019 13:21

So he hasn't booked the other cottage yet either? And I expect that you'll have to drive yourself to this cottage because he's going to be collecting his own children?

I would seriously think about this relationship going forward OP, no matter how much he wells up. I honestly think you'd feel better if you spoke to your family and cancelled it.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 28/09/2019 13:25

He said he realised he'd have to tell me as my parents are flying into a different airport, closer to where the cottage is than where we live so I would know there was something up when they didn't turn up at my house the day before to look after the kids.

So he could have told you then, at the last minute possible.

Not a whole week in advance. Why doesn't he just go the whole hog and give you your card and present a week early too Hmm assuming he's even got one and you don't need to organise that as well

Please OP, I beg you - don't lift a finger to enable him on this. The more you tell us about him, the more unpleasant his actions sound. I'm sorry.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/09/2019 13:38

Yes he has booked the cottage (it's in the OP!) and maybe telling her now is better than pulling the rug from under her in public, next weekend.

He's been silly but he isn't the devil.

He is however the organiser and can damn well do all the organising.

Nobody organises their own 'surprise' party. (Yes, I feel so strongly about this that I need say it twice!).

billy1966 · 28/09/2019 13:39

OP,

I really agree with the poster's who think he has been very manipulative.

I know what I like.
You told him what you like.
He changed it and let you go on thinking you were getting what you liked for it to pulled out from under you.

You will never forget your 40th alright. For all the wrong reasons.

He is arrogant and disrespectful of you.

You don't do what he did and respect the person you are with.

I really feel for you.

In your place I probably would have a cry and want to really lash out in pure temper.

Now he's told you a week before because there is a lot of organising to be done for everyone and he certainly doesn't want to do that.

I know that I would not forget this and I would be having a very hard think about him.

I don't like being messed with and he has hugely messed with you.

Oh and him welling up would only piss me off. Manipulative.

Your parents not filling you in is also weird.

Big wake up call.

My advice is see how he behaves this weekend. If he kills himself organising everything re food etc. things may, just may be salvageable.

However, if he is expecting you to take over now and organise it all I would absolutely believe you are in a rotten relationship and he is neither a nice or good man.

Happy birthday OP💐

CharityDingle · 28/09/2019 13:47

So instead of you having a weekend away and a break from the kids, you will presumably end up with all the packing and organising, and possibly the running around looking after everyone else too. Hmm
I would be doing a lot of thinking about the relationship tbh. And YANBU.

thecatinthetwat · 28/09/2019 13:49

This actually seems quite weird to me tbh,

1- to not know what you would want already (child-free couple time, it's a no-brainer)

2- to ignore it when you arranged exactly what you wanted (why on earth?)

3- to arrange the opposite of what you wanted instead of rather than at least, in addition to

4- to tell you one week before, (but not at the time of the alternative weekend away) rather than on the day. This suggests he expects you to do all the work to prep for it.

I just find it unbelievable that someone could be so out of touch with their partner and yet at the same time, go to such lengths to re-arrange their birthday.

I can't get my head around it at all.

JamieFrasersSassenach · 28/09/2019 14:03

You're a better person than me OP - my response would be to let everyone else go to the cottage and stay home by myself - at least that way I would have my child free break!!
I would be so disappointed and angry if this happened to me - there is no way I would hide how unhappy I was about it!!

mummmy2017 · 28/09/2019 14:09

I have never read a thread of Me Me Me posts like this before , all the posters are egging you on to a sense of entitlement that is shocking.
Your partner has made a vast effort to do something nice, he got it wrong but he blooming tried
Have you read where people don't get even a card, take a great of hard look at yourself,because what is showing is not nice .
I am sure you can book the cottage again, no one has died, your 40 for god's sake act like an adult not an entitled brat.

coconuttelegraph · 28/09/2019 14:12

Who is going to do all the organising for the children to go away with you? I assume your original plan was to pack your own bag and leave them in their own home only needing to make sure there was enough food in.

Will you DP step up and get everything ready for them, I hope he won't add expecting you to do it to the ruining of your weekend away

Fig678 · 28/09/2019 14:14

What @JamieFrasersSassenach said. Actions speak louder than words - don’t go and say you’d rather a weekend to yourself.

He told you a week early so that you could do all the organising. If it was because of your parents not arriving the day before, that’s when he could have told you... and told you not to worry because he’d done all the packing and pre organising.. then it would seem like a silly error rather than a ‘I’ve booked this and I get kudos from the family but you get all the actual leg work’

I don’t think it’s ltb territory, but I’d be making it crystal clear you’re not happy just so he knows you’re not an idiot and so he doesn’t make the same decision in future

thecatinthetwat · 28/09/2019 14:17

Your partner has made a vast effort to do something nice, he got it wrong but he blooming tried

This would have some weight if the op's dh hadn't effectively cancelled her own plans for her own birthday! To replace them with his own plans.

That's a bloody risk isn't it? Can you image cancelling your partner's birthday plans, secretly planning something else?? I can't because it's a bloody weird thing to do!

ChicCroissant · 28/09/2019 14:20

I meant he hadn't booked the hot tub cottage yet Lottie. He's talking about it but doing FA about it. Not welling up over that bit, is he?

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 28/09/2019 14:22

Time to make the most of it. How about a chat with your Mum & Dad, let them know that you're looking forward to it even though it wasn't what you at first had in mind. Perhaps note though that you're worried that now much of the food organizing & childcare will fall to you making it not much of a relaxing treat weekend for you. Perhaps they'll rally to sort out meals out & offer to look after kids a bit for you. I'm sure you can still have a relaxing weekend here - think meals out &/or takeaways, easy breakfast things etc.

timshelthechoice · 28/09/2019 14:24

Have you read where people don't get even a card, take a great of hard look at yourself,because what is showing is not nice .

So what? That's their lookout. It's not a race to the bottom. The only 'me, me, me' here is the person who decided unilaterally that what was discussed and agreed upon with his partner was wrong, he would decide differently and she just sucks it up.

GaudyNight · 28/09/2019 14:38

Does he usually consider your feelings? If so then just give him the benefit here of trusting him, he might be asking you to marry him and want your family there.

The idea that it might be a 'Proposal Weekend' keeps coming up as a 'rationale' for why this guy went to the trouble of rearranging a weekend the OP had pretty much put together herself months ago, by finding a cottage and arranging childcare.

Can anyone on the thread please stand up and explain, hand on heart, why they would like to be proposed to in front of their very young children, their DP's children, their parents, sister and BIL in the middle of what sounds like an exhausting extended family holiday???

Does anyone think this is a normal thing to do? When did it become a spectator sport? I've always assumed that men who did public proposals did them because they actually wanted the woman to feel pressured into accepting. Much harder to say 'Look, I really don't think so' or 'Are you out of your mind?' in front of a football stadium crowd/flashmob/20 of your nearest family...

Inebriati · 28/09/2019 14:51

I just wouldn't go. Make other plans instead.
If he ducks out as well, it shows he wanted you to do all of the work on your special birthday weekend.

WhenOneDoorClosesAnotherOpens · 28/09/2019 14:51

Can anyone on the thread please stand up and explain, hand on heart, why they would like to be proposed to in front of their very young children, their DP's children, their parents, sister and BIL in the middle of what sounds like an exhausting extended family holiday???

It sounds like my worst nightmare. The fear of a potential public proposal would make me not go this weekend. In fact I would probably start dropping hints now. 'Gawd did you hear about that guy that proposed in front of the woman's family at that restaurant last week. How awful that must have been for her. I would hate that. I hope you would never do something like that.'

AMillionMugsNoTeabags · 28/09/2019 14:56

The sort of man who ignores his partner actually telling him what sort of weekend she wants for her birthday and books something completely different isn’t going to pick up on subtle hints re public proposals. He’ll go his own sweet way and do whatever he thinks is best.

CallmeAngelina · 28/09/2019 14:58

I'm not sure why he had to go to such lengths to get everyone's dates to coincide for this particular weekend when NO ONE ELSE WAS FUCKING INVITED!!!
Also, has he made it clear who's catering and doing all the grunt-work on this weekend away? If everyone else thinks they're the guests, doesn't treat leave it up to you two to host? And he will "have his hands full with his own two kids" so it will all fall to you!
Happy birthday!