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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
testing987654321 · 28/09/2019 11:23

The replacement weekend wasn't a replacement in your mind as you were still looking forward to your birthday weekend.

Make sure he arranges all meals, snacks, packing, cleaning afterwards. You can give him a list if he doesn't realise what needs doing. Try to enjoy it like a man would, where the expectation is stuff is just done for you.

leomama81 · 28/09/2019 11:30

You are dealing with it well OP, it is a very tricky one, he obviously did mean well but I agree with PPs that he did know you would be a bit disappointed with a family weekend, he says he didn't realize how much you were looking forward to the original plan but he knew at least to an extent as a) you'd made it clear what you wanted and b) he organized a replacement of sorts. That kind of sounds like to me that he knew you'd prefer your plan but he thought he could force his idea through and you'd come round.

Having said that, if he doesn't usually do this kind of thing I'd be inclined to let it go (as long as he does come up with the goods for a romantic weekend away afterwards!) and just make it very very clear that that wasn't ok and you feel your feelings were disregarded. Which you seem to be doing.

You definitely do need to make sure he'll be doing the running around next weekend though!

Wellmet · 28/09/2019 11:36

I can totally understand your disappointment, OP, but I think some posters are completely overreacting here. Some of you must only associate with the absolute worst men!!

I think his biggest mistake here was organising your surprise weekend for before the event, not after! If he'd announced the family surprise then added, "and 2 weeks later, we're also going to that cottage you liked" you'd be feeling a million times better about this.

Try to enjoy the family time, make sure you have meals out, takeaways and lots of wine.

He sounds like a good guy who messed up, not controlling or manipulative to me!

And for what it's worth, for those saying this is a typical man thing, my dad's wife did exactly the same to him, he thought they were going for a meal just the two of them and there were 20 of us there when he got there, and we were all staying nearby as they live so far away. It had never occurred to me until now that he may have been secretly gutted to see us!

lottiegarbanzo · 28/09/2019 11:48

Really don't take a hand in planning. Certainly, he can ask about your preferences (favourite dinner, wine, hot tub vs horse riding etc) so he can plan to meet them. But people who plan surprise parties ALWAYS do all the organising.

Nobody ever plans a suprise party, invites all the guests, then says to the honoured guest 'ok, so I've booked things, now, can you do the entertainment and catering?'

lottiegarbanzo · 28/09/2019 11:53

I must say though, that this all illustrates why surprise parties are so problematic. You have to come up with a good enough 'cover story', so appear to be doing something else, which, depending on timing, you either have to go through with and make seem good enough not to disappoint (before the secret event), or dangle something attractive enough in itself for the person to look forward to, then not give them exactly that thing - as here.

Bahhhhhumbug · 28/09/2019 11:54

Oh wow so he had your parents in on it too? I would be fuming at them too. He had plenty of chance to pull out on his arrangements six months ago and say to everyone sorry my wife wants to do something else for Her big birthday so as you were everybody.
I would need to pull out an Oscar worthy performance to even look at any of them without looking murderous, let alone smile and nod.

Chunkers · 28/09/2019 11:56

So he told you about ‘the surprise’ a week in advance so you could do all the organising.

BumbleBeee69 · 28/09/2019 12:03

I'd still be livid, I honestly wouldn't go, running around after everyone's arse all weekend on your Birthday fuck that... but that's just me. Grin

MulticolourMophead · 28/09/2019 12:05

FizzyGreenWater I totally agree with you.

LannieDuck · 28/09/2019 12:10

Has he actually arranged a big family weekend away before? Does he realise how much work goes into it?

Why did he reveal the surprise now, instead of driving you up there and presenting your family at the cottage? My guess is that him "hoping to talk to you about the plans", can be translated as "I've done the booking, and I've got to tell TheresAMouse about the surprise in enough time for her to make the rest of the arrangements".

Don't. Just let him sort it - he needs to understand how much work it is. So what if there are problems? It's not on you to fix them.

LannieDuck · 28/09/2019 12:11

So he told you about ‘the surprise’ a week in advance so you could do all the organising.

Chunkers said it much more efficiently than I did ;)

Span1elsRock · 28/09/2019 12:14

Don't be a martyr OP and just pick up the reins over this weekend to make life easy for him.

Take half an hour this weekend to write an extensive list, because you can pretty much count on him not having thought of food/drink/activities and he then has this coming week to sort it all. And if it's a disaster, it's on him.

You really need to step back here, and let him face the reality of the weekend he thought he knew better than you about. Otherwise he gets off with no consequences and you're the idiot running around picking up the pieces of his very silly decision.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/09/2019 12:20

So he told you about ‘the surprise’ a week in advance so you could do all the organising.

SO HE TOLD YOU ABOUT 'THE SURPRISE' A WEEK IN ADVANCE SO YOU COULD DO ALL THE ORGANISING

!!!!!!!

OP - here's a thought - why don't you ask him why he's told you about 'the surprise' at this particular point?

NOT properly in advance so you could be consulted on whether his brilliant 'kind, thoughtful' idea was what you wanted;

NOT the morning you're due to set off with him having secretly washed and packed for the kids and sorted everything;

but conveniently a week in advance when all the going on holiday gruntwork is there to be done?

ffffs.

Kit19 · 28/09/2019 12:23

Some men must think we were born yesterday

Of course he’s told you now so you can do all the organising. Sod that OP

dramaqueen · 28/09/2019 12:23

From what you say I think the weekend is pretty much ruined now anyway. The resentment will build up and I’m not sure how you both can recover from what he’s done.

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 28/09/2019 12:28

He said he realised he'd have to tell me as my parents are flying into a different airport, closer to where the cottage is than where we live so I would know there was something up when they didn't turn up at my house the day before to look after the kids.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 28/09/2019 12:36

The ultimate first world problem. Sorry OP. I felt a bit bad for you at first but think making the best of it is the only way to go.

Lots of batshit responses on here having a go at your dp. Hes done something nice, what a shame you had to ruin it.

Your family will want to celebrate with you too. You can do a romantic break some other time.

Loopytiles · 28/09/2019 12:46

Have you told him that given his decision and that this is your birthday, you expect him to do all of the planning and domestic work before, during and after the trip?

Loopytiles · 28/09/2019 12:47

He didn’t do something nice, zen.

ExcusezMonFrancais · 28/09/2019 12:48

I hardly think the OP stating 'I want this' and someone else saying 'No, you and your family will do that instead' is a first world problem. Hmm

Hes done something nice, what a shame you had to ruin it.

Similarly, I hardly think her DP lying to her, planning the opposite of what she wants and effectively ruining her birthday is 'nice'.

The OP is being forced to do something she is explicitly stating she doesn't want and by speaking out she is 'ruining' the experience for her DP?

You think these are first world problems eh?

rookiemere · 28/09/2019 12:54

If he was organising this at the same time as you were talking about the hot tub cottage, then it seems he got himself into a bit of a pickle, but with good intentions.

Get the other place booked and in the calendar- that will make you feel a lot happier. Then sit him down and say that it's on him to organise logistics for the weekend and as it's your birthday you don't expect to be cooking, cleaning or sorting everybody out.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/09/2019 12:54

You were well and truly stitched up there by him.

And now you are being a mouse again by allowing this man to wipe his feet all over you and your relationship. You really do not want doormat written on your forehead.

Kit19 · 28/09/2019 12:55

It’s the OPs DP who has ruined things not the OP

She’d made ALL the arrangements, he literally only had to book the cottage but instead for reasons only he knows, ignored what she wanted & arranged something he wanted instead for HER birthday

Now she’s lumbered with organising a ton of stuff for a weekend she didbt want because I’ve no doubt that even though DP will assure her he’ll do it all, he won’t

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/09/2019 12:55

He indeed did not do something nice zen. He did what he expected his partners birthday to be like because he rather than she knows best and or what she wants.

ChilledBee · 28/09/2019 12:57

I'd be livid.