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Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
wardrobe12 · 28/09/2019 09:56

I'm so gutted about the whole thing. The only thing to try and put it right is to book it at another date but it just doesn't feel the same when I it won't be anywhere near my birthday.

I think my biggest concern (as I said in my last post) is - does he know you? That would really really bother me, if I were in your position.

I was given a gift from by now ex husband years ago which was SO SO not me, not at all suitable. Just not thought through. It bothered me because - where's the connection gone?

Isaididont · 28/09/2019 09:58

Having read your latest post OP it does seem like he feels really bad about messing it up. Even if you get away the two of you at a time that’s not over your birthday, it can still be lovely and you can still celebrate at a later date....
I think the fact he’s apologised and really feels bad about it does change the situation, it’d be different if he reacted in anger or resentment.
I feel like now that he’s apologised, it might be a good plan to put it behind you and just enjoy yourself.

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 28/09/2019 09:59

@TheAlternativeTentacle I'm not sure either. The only reason I can think of is he thinks it's a suitable way to mark a big birthday

OP posts:
fedup21 · 28/09/2019 10:03

I’d struggle to get over this tbh. His wants and feelings are more important than yours even on your 40th!

Have you spoke to your mum etc?

Have you now got to think about taking food, drinks, cooking, planning meals for the whole weekend and clothes for everyone, rather than packing a weekend bag of underwear, Prosecco and pringles!?

I would have been looking forward to that sort of weekend so much.

Do your family know you were excited about the previous plans? Seems odd they’d agree to this if they knew?!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/09/2019 10:04

It would have been FAR MORE romantic to have proposed on their quiet, child-free weekend away that the OP had hoped for.

Proposals are not a spectator sport, or rather, they shouldn't be.

My own mum died days before my 40th Birthday - rather took the shine off it and we did nothing to "celebrate" it - and I STILL think the OP's partner was totally unreasonable and has done the wrong thing.

I'm also over 50 now and, far from mellowing, have been able to make my own mind up and opinion heard when necessary. There is no merit in "being grateful" for something you didn't want in the first place - just means that you end up getting more shit in future that you didn't want.

MulticolourMophead · 28/09/2019 10:04

So, he knew 6 months ago what you wanted and therefore had plenty of time to stop the big family thing in it's tracks.

Ignore the tears and make sure he and the rest of the are doing the bulk of the grunt work for the weekend.

And what have your parents said about the weekend, given that they know you wanted a child free weekend having asked them to have your DC?

They, too, could have stopped this by reminding your DP what you wanted.

I don't feel sorry for your DP, he's had plenty of time to get it right, especially if you've mentioned it a lot. He knows what you wanted.

Thornhill58 · 28/09/2019 10:06

What a shame he didn't read your mood. It was going going to be stress free, romantic, sexy, sleep in quiet weekend and then he decide to include the family. No the only option is to organise what you want for his birthday.
I hope you have a great birthday anyway. Smile

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 28/09/2019 10:07

@fedup21 he did want to talk about plans for it last night but I said I wanted to wait til next week. I'm not quite in the zone at the moment.

I haven't spoken to my family about it. I'm not sure I will. Is there any point in letting them know I'm upset about it when there's nothing we can about it now. I feel it'll just add an extra layer of negatively on the weekend when I'd rather make the most of it now.

OP posts:
NotMeNoNo · 28/09/2019 10:09

Oops.
Make sure you get another weekend to make up for it!

It's my 50th in a few weeks. All I have asked for is No Surprises. Any present or experience will be just as much a gift if I can help choose it.

Happy birthday from the quiet life club!

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 28/09/2019 10:10

@MulticolourMophead good point. He did have enough time to fix it all those months ago or least ask me about it.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 28/09/2019 10:17

Is he nice in every other way?

Does he usually consider your feelings? If so then just give him the benefit here of trusting him, he might be asking you to marry him and want your family there.

There will be other weekends for just the two of you, you can do both.

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 28/09/2019 10:21

@3luckystars yes he's pretty good and very thoughtful so this has caught me by surprise

OP posts:
ExcusezMonFrancais · 28/09/2019 10:29

I'm confused. So he was creating a large family suprise for your birthday (which you clearly do not like) so how well does he really know you? How well does your family know you? Surely someone would have said 'Are you sure OP would like that? She doesn't normally like large family suprises.'
Meanwhile, you start thinking about your birthday and verbally tell him 'I would like this lovely cottage for 2' and you phone your parents and they say 'yes we can look after the children that weekend' and your DP says 'yes I will book that cottage for 2 for your bithday'. And no one says a word that there is another plan? Everyone just led you to believe you would have the birthday you wanted whilst knowing you were actually getting the complete oposite?

The alternative is you say 'I would like this cottage for two' and parents please look after the children. Your partner and parents agree to the plan, THEN your partner changes the plan and your parents go along with it. Again, without anyone saying a word to you that you would not be getting the birthday you wanted?

Either way, you appear to have spoken with both your partner and parents about what you actually wanted, both agreed months ago and both knew from some point that you were not getting what you wanted.

This would really bother me.

He said he didn't realise how much I'd been looking forward to the original plan.

I think that statement says a lot tbh. You told him exactly what you wanted. You even researched it, picked it out, made arrangements for your parents to watch the children. All he had to do was book the cottage. Whether he booked his plans before or after you made yours, he still didn't listen to you and what you clearly stated you wanted. He thought he knew best/put his own wants before yours. That would really bother me.

ExcusezMonFrancais · 28/09/2019 10:33

If he booked his plans before yours and then you said 'Oh I'd love this cottage for 2' he could have said right then 'Actually, I've already made plans for your birthday weekend. Sorry but can we book that cottage for two another weekned?' That way it could have been discussed moths ago instead of mislead expectation.

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 28/09/2019 10:37

@ExcusezMonFrancais this is a very good point and I'm totally baffled by how wrong he's got this. The fact that he said the previous weekend away was to replace the lost one would suggest he knew I would be disappointed. I just don't know what he was thinking.

OP posts:
Ruralretreating · 28/09/2019 10:42

OP, I think you’re dealing with this really well and striking a balance between communicating your views but also trying to embrace the new plan. As others have said, do make sure other people are doing the work of packing, cooking, organising etc though so you get to enjoy the time with family.

fedup21 · 28/09/2019 10:46

I haven't spoken to my family about it. I'm not sure I will.

I just wondered if they knew you were really looking forward to a weekend away for two?

ExcusezMonFrancais · 28/09/2019 10:49

Blush Sorry for all the typos. I'm on my phone on the bus.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 28/09/2019 10:53

he did want to talk about plans for it last night
What's to talk about?
He's organising and doing it all.

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 28/09/2019 11:06

@fedup21 I assume they would have had a fair idea that I was looking forward to it as I'd asked them to come and have the kids so that my partner and I could go away.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheresAMouse · 28/09/2019 11:07

@GrandmaSteglitszch I hear what you're saying but I will take a hand in the planning otherwise I fear it could end up as a bigger disaster!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheresAMouse · 28/09/2019 11:10

@Ruralretreating thank you for your comment. I really appreciate it. I'm trying to strike the right balance here. As my toddler was tantrumming this morning I really wanted to say "and we have this to look forward to on my birthday weekend now too" but I bit my tongue 😁

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 28/09/2019 11:12

NO.

Let it be a bigger disaster, if he's not up to it.

if it really is supposed to be a present for you and for you to have a relaxing time, he takes over the whole thing.

I can guarantee you will be seeing red if you return exhausted from a trip which has basically meant facilitating everyone and everything to hear him congratulating himself on how 'it was actually lovely in the end, don't you agree?'

Oh, and on the question of 'how did I get it so wrong, wail wail' - you could just tell him. 'Because you decided you knew better than me what I wanted for me birthday - you totally patronised me.'

TheAlternativeTentacle · 28/09/2019 11:15

So in the first 18 months he has managed to stop all your family from being honest with you when you were waxing lyrical about the wonderful weekend you were looking forward to...and not one of them actually said 'hang on a minute'???

GrandmaSteglitszch · 28/09/2019 11:16

He was welling up because he feels sorry for himself.
What is he doing about ensuring you enjoy your birthday as much as possible, despite his messing it up?

He's ensuring you don't have to lift a finger that weekend, so you can at least relax and enjoy time with your family?

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