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Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 27/09/2019 23:55

The most recent I can think of was a man who interrupted his girlfriend’s graduation ceremony to propose. Another selfish numpty proposed as his girlfriend was on the podium having won an Olympic, I think, medal.

Yep, I've actually seen the former happen in real life. And one where the wanker proposed at someone else's wedding reception. They all have one thing in common: they're attention-seeking, immature, me, me, me, Instagram me bollocks.

I feel sorry for people put on the spot by them because they're designed to emotionally manipulate and blackmail an affirmative response from the proposee and a feeling of then being obligated to marry the person as 'they went to so much effort' 'so romantic' 'isn't that sweet?' and anecdotes from the public (because privacy isn't maintained in such proposals) 'I never got anything!' 'You're so lucky, I'm still waiting!'

Imagine being so insecure and immature you have to emotionally manipulate and blackmail a person to marry you.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 27/09/2019 23:59

A public proposal is the reddest of red flags.

saraclara · 28/09/2019 00:06

Nobody gives up a romantic couples weekend for a holiday with their in law's unless they genuinely thought they were doing the right thing.

That's my take on it too.
I'm slightly disturbed by the number of people who think he's some sort of psychotic monster who did this deliberately to ruin her birthday and/or assert some sort of control.

GaudyNight · 28/09/2019 00:13

How would he possibly have thought he was ‘doing the right thing’ when the OP was perfectly clear about wanting a solo couple weekend with no children, and had chosen a couple-y venue and arranged childcare, and he’s essentially arranged the complete opposite — an extended family holiday with not only her children but his too? Why would anyone think that someone would prefer the opposite to what they clearly said they wanted?

CucinaBreakfast · 28/09/2019 00:15

Ohh i really feel for you. I'd be disappointed with that change of plan. Particularly given you'd actually made the plans (and it wasn't just in your head, a kind of "how did he not know what i wanted" situation). You wanted a child free break, not for the "same shit different location" that a family holiday ends up being.

You were looking forward to the thing you'd arranged, and he'd changed it without asking. His intentions were good but really just should have trusted you to know what you wanted for your own birthday.

Livingoncake · 28/09/2019 00:54

I don’t think he’s a psychotic monster, but I do think he has overruled his partner’s wishes because he thinks he knows best, which in itself is pretty shit. If he won’t listen to her regarding what she wants for her own sodding birthday, then it’s not exactly a ringing endorsement of him as a partner, is it?

Cohle · 28/09/2019 01:03

I also think it's a bit weird to make out that he's a hideously manipulative controlling psychopath because of this.

To me it seems like he, with good intentions, made a misjudgement. The OP's perfectly justified in feeling upset about it, but some of the responses seem a massive overreaction to a well intentioned cock up.

Duck90 · 28/09/2019 01:17

Op had a surprise weekend away very recently!

Hardly a victim of no time away from the children.

Enjoy the “surprise” - although you know about it ahead of time.

LovePoppy · 28/09/2019 01:18

I don’t understand why, if previous weekend away was meant to “make up” for birthday, it wasn’t stated in advance. It’s like he knows he screwed up and is saying all the words to justify his missing the mark so badly

WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 28/09/2019 01:22

Aw no Sad I've not read the replies as it's a long thread but I think he was thinking he was doing a nice thing getting everybody together , can see why you'd feel gutted though as was looking forward to alone time! I'd be the exact same

Bahhhhhumbug · 28/09/2019 01:23

timshelthechoice yes l have adult dc and DGC of my own, none together with dh.
As womenspeakout correctly guessed, there was no bagsying of the 'spare' berths for any of them.
I didn't shoot him down either l 'pointed out' as l said in my post that this would change the dynamic completely of the holiday we both agreed we enjoyed so much mainly as it was just the two of us.
We have lots of meals, days out, visits from his side of the family especially and including when we are on holiday he always invites them to visit us or join us. I just wanted to repeat this refreshingly peaceful break once in a year from now. Also we had already booked it for following year, when he threw this little nugget in.

Bahhhhhumbug · 28/09/2019 01:26

Sorry l got my two posters transposed in that last post with who said what.

timshelthechoice · 28/09/2019 01:27

Bah, I'm not the one who wrote the 'shooting down his wants' comment, that was woman, accusing you of doing so because you wanted a weekend away again just the two of you Wink. I was the one who actually read your initial post about how he immediately imagined the space filled with his kids, but said nothing of yours.

Bahhhhhumbug · 28/09/2019 01:35

Sorry tims l just realised after posting l switched your names round. Thank you yes exactly and also you know what even though you make a very good point l wouldn't have wanted my own family there either next year, you need a break as a couple sometimes even from your own dc/DGC. We are constantly surrounded by family (mainly his) and do an awful lot for them all.

PrettyPurse · 28/09/2019 05:46

@TheresAMouse - what are you going to do?

Teacher22 · 28/09/2019 06:31

That is terrible, OP. What a mistake to make. I would suck it up and have the holiday ( perhaps the parents can babysit while you go out for a romantic dinner) but make it clear you are now being burdened with socialising and childcare when you wanted a break from family duties and so will require the promised quiet time away at another date.

Lockshunkugel · 28/09/2019 08:02

‘I know you are trying to do something nice for me but I’d much prefer to stick with our original plan. I really wanted a child free weekend to celebrate my 40th. My family will understand if you tell them I want to go away without the kids because they know it’s not a break for me when they’re around. If the original cottage isn’t available, I’m happy to stay in a different one or in a hotel’

Don’t put up with not getting what you want for your special birthday!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 28/09/2019 08:47

I read this thread and one thing that has been suggested is that one of the reasons why the DP has invited so many people on the OP's birthday trip away is that it might be leading to a proposal.
If I was to be proposed to in these circumstances I would have to decline as it would be very clear to me that the person asking me to marry them didn't really know me at all or even worse, didn't care about my needs and put their needs first. My needs being a child-free 48 hours, theirs being they wanted to put on a show for the family and didn't take into account my needs.

I do hope that you've had more of a conversation @TheresAMouse so that you can remedy the situation sooner rather than later.

Best of luck with it all.

GaudyNight · 28/09/2019 08:57

If I was to be proposed to in these circumstances I would have to decline as it would be very clear to me that the person asking me to marry them didn't really know me at all or even worse, didn't care about my needs and put their needs first. My needs being a child-free 48 hours, theirs being they wanted to put on a show for the family and didn't take into account my needs.

God, absolutely this ^.

I also think it's a bit weird to make out that he's a hideously manipulative controlling psychopath because of this.

Well, I don't think so either, but I assume people are reading the situation that way because it's hard to imagine how this could be a well-intentioned misjudgement, because even the dopiest of thickos could surely see that (a) it's precisely the opposite of what the OP very clearly said she wanted, and had herself arranged the key components of, of which was to choose a couple-ish cottage and arrange childcare so the break could be childfree and (b) that even for people who are wildly enthusiastic about family holidays, this is a lot of work, cooking, organisation, child-wrangling etc. You don't land someone with a lot of extra work and expect gratitude.

LemonRedwood · 28/09/2019 09:23

sitting in the hot tub chatting with my liver for for hours on end
----------------
I read this and really thought for a second that "chatting with my liver" was a euphemism for getting drunk and not a typo grin

I only realised it was a typo when I saw your post littleorangecat! I was looking forward to using it as a new way of referencing getting nicely drunk Grin I still might

Difficultcustomer · 28/09/2019 09:23

Do you generally like parties and family get togethers? In general do you like surprises?

The only thing I see redeeming at all is that you say he was trying to organise the surprise and the only way to make it happen was that weekend due to other people not being available. (A weekend before and not telling you isn’t substitute unless he’d said in advance.)

He should have told you, offered to arrange a weekend in the future and let you have the option.

ExcusezMonFrancais · 28/09/2019 09:24

If I was to be proposed to in these circumstances I would have to decline as it would be very clear to me that the person asking me to marry them didn't really know me at all or even worse, didn't care about my needs and put their needs first.

I agree. A public proposal would be my ideal of hell. I'd have to decline.

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 28/09/2019 09:51

We had a chat about it last night. I told him I appreciated the trouble he'd gone to and I will embrace it and enjoy it. However, I have to be honest and say that I'm really disappointed that the plan we'd made 6 months ago has completely gone and we're now on for a very different weekend. He said he was arranging the big family do at the same time that I'd chosen the cottage. He apologised lots and seems genuinely upset about the whole thing. I could see him welling up. He said when he revealed the surprise to me that it looked like the ground had fallen away from me and he realised he'd got it absolutely wrong. He said he didn't realise how much I'd been looking forward to the original plan. He said we would definitely book that cottage for a later weekend.

I found it tricky getting the right balance of telling him how upset I am but not wanting to make him feel completely awful when his intentions appear to be good.

We didn't have a lot of time to talk about it as we were at an event last night.

Cancelling it I don't feel is an option. Some of those attending have booked flights so I'll look like a massive diva and the original cottage I know is unavailable....having looked at it many times and seeing the dates blocked out as I thought he'd booked them!

I do want to speak to him about the previous weekend away being in place of it. Not sure why he didn't tell me then. It feels crappy to me to be told I'd already had the replacement having known nothing about it.

We get sporadic opportunities to have time to ourselves when my parents visit but it's not a regular occurrence.

I'm so gutted about the whole thing. The only thing to try and put it right is to book it at another date but it just doesn't feel the same when I it won't be anywhere near my birthday.

OP posts:
wardrobe12 · 28/09/2019 09:52

Has he explained why he thought this was a good idea? I know you said he feels bad for messing up now, but what was his reason for thinking you would prefer a chaotic weekend and having to still cook, clean and deal with his kids instead of a quiet weekend just for the two of you?

Absolutely this ~ as @Sleepyhead19 says

I'm not saying he's a twat but what a stupid thoughtless change of plan to choose

Does he actually KNOW you @TheresAMouse ?

TheAlternativeTentacle · 28/09/2019 09:56

I don't understand why he'd want to arrange a big family do anyway...it's only been 2 years.

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