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AIBU?

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Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 27/09/2019 18:21

@TheresAMouse - what would you say if it turns into a proposal weekend?

timshelthechoice · 27/09/2019 18:28

I'm with the OP, but here, especially as it's her birthday, but I see it that your DH only wanted to share his enjoyment of the cottage you've already had the enjoyment of.

And his want was to have only his kids there, not hers, or suggest finding a place big enough for all. Hmm

IamWaggingBrenda · 27/09/2019 18:43

I’m wondering if he had actually arranged the surprise family get together before you planned the weekend alone and was in the uncomfortable position of choosing between uninviting everyone or going with your preferred plan? Maybe just plan another weekend away with him in a month or so. He sounds like a nice fellow who was just trying to do something for you.

womenspeakout · 27/09/2019 18:50

And his want was to have only his kids there, not hers, or suggest finding a place big enough for all. hmm

I don't even know if that poster has children of her own, there wasn't many details, just that he said they could bring three people next time and she shot it down.

Surely both should have what they want from time to time?

Haffdonga · 27/09/2019 18:53

Go and enjoy yourself but make sure he books the hot tub cottage for you for Valentines.

You can decide whether you go with him or alone nearer the time.

Pepperwand · 27/09/2019 18:57

He's meant well but got it very wrong and it's a good thing he knows that you're disappointed. I can't get on board with posters saying he's purposefully and calculatingly done this to be able to put his feet up and have OP doing all the running round after children. The original plan was just the two of them, there wouldn't have been any running round after kids anyway. Nobody gives up a romantic couples weekend for a holiday with their in law's unless they genuinely thought they were doing the right thing.

I'm also wondering if this is a proposal weekend as that's exactly what my "surprise 30th with family that don't live close so you don't see often" turned out to be....

bigarse1 · 27/09/2019 19:13

womenspeakout thank you. The problem is they can't tolerate holidays and I can't holiday without them. It is what it is but thanks

Mousetolioness · 27/09/2019 20:03

After your birthday weekend tell him that after all that excitement and busy-ness you need another weekend away - just the two of you this time.

PeasePorridgeHot · 27/09/2019 20:15

While it's not what you had planned or hoped for I think you'll have a wonderful weekend surrounded by your loved ones making you feel special. Happy Birthday for next week. Book a romantic getaway for the 2 of you when you get back!

Sleepyhead19 · 27/09/2019 20:16

Has he explained why he thought this was a good idea? I know you said he feels bad for messing up now, but what was his reason for thinking you would prefer a chaotic weekend and having to still cook, clean and deal with his kids instead of a quiet weekend just for the two of you? X

IncyWincyGrownUp · 27/09/2019 20:18

In all honesty, in your shoes I wouldn’t go. I hate stuff like this though, and I’d rather parent at home than have to parent in public and deal with those dynamics.

Mamabear144 · 27/09/2019 20:20

YANBU but if you want to hide your feelings just blame it on being emotional about turning 40, my mam turned 40 a couple of years ago and spent the day crying in bed (for no particular reason either than she didn't want to be 40)

Rubicon80 · 27/09/2019 20:34

@Mousetolioness

After your birthday weekend tell him that after all that excitement and busy-ness you need another weekend away - just the two of you this time.

Or just the one of her.

womenspeakout · 27/09/2019 20:49

womenspeakout thank you. The problem is they can't tolerate holidays and I can't holiday without them. It is what it is but thanks

Oh, that's OK, just thought it might help.

It might be worth thinking about getting in some extra help for a weekend one time, so you'll all be at home, but you might get a little bit of respite.

Make sure you take care too. Wishing you all the best.

notacooldad · 27/09/2019 21:32

mousetolion

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!
Aaarrgghhh · 27/09/2019 21:40

Ah bless em - how is it they can get it so wrong whilst trying so hardsmile))

I've got one exactly the same.

I'd suck it up and book the next one kids free yourself but just make sure he knows that what your looking forward to, directly or indirectly.

Erm, can you (and others) not read? The op said what she wanted and even arranged for her children to be looked after. Jesus.. also, why the fuck are you acting like the grown up man and father is an infant? What’s with all the “aww, bless him, he tried.” Comments? He didn’t fucking try at all lol

GaudyNight · 27/09/2019 22:01

Why would anyone invite four children, their DP’s parents, sister and BIL on a ‘proposal weekend’, especially when the OP had already chosen a couple-y cottage with a hot tub and arranged childcare so they could actually have a romantic weekend alone? Did I miss a memo that proposals are now a spectator sport???

rbmilliner · 27/09/2019 22:08

Because @Aaarrgghhh if having gone to all the hassle of organising that many people to be in the same place at the same time isn't 'trying' I don't know what would be. Anyone can get it wrong and misread the signs and I'd be bloody grateful that he'd made the effort.

Yes OP has the right to feel disapponted but I'd hope if it were me I'd have the good grace not start a fight over it and make him feel like crap because he'd misjudged the situation.

Aroundtheworldandback · 27/09/2019 22:20

That is exactly the type of thing my dh would do- he’s a sociable person and can’t comprehend that I wouldn’t want my extended family around me. For my 40th he booked a gorgeous London hotel and lo and behold; my whole family turned up to dinner. I was lucky they didn’t all come to Paris too the next day

rededucator · 27/09/2019 22:21

But he didn't misjudge the situation. He deliberately went against a very specific and very simple request.

BabyDereksToes · 27/09/2019 22:40

I would be livid.

Catmaiden · 27/09/2019 22:50

Yes, for me, the deal beaker was the deliberate going against what OP had explicitly said she'd wanted as her birthday treat Angry
That's unacceptable. Regardless of the idea, that the earlier weekend, that she had no idea about, was a sort of substitute Hmm

Also the birthday weekend now ninvolving a whole load of work for OP, with her children, his children and (his?) parents. So far off being OK, it's out of orbit.
OP, yanbu andc I voted to say that. Tbh, I'd be examining your relationship and history with your not so dear partner

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 27/09/2019 23:04

But I'm over 50 and have mellowed a lot

Instead of seeing everything as offensive, abusive whatever I try to look at things more positive

I'm 50 and I've finally learned to say no. I won't be grateful for things I don't want, it's mot my job to make everyone else feel better. It's such a fucking relief.

Seeingadistance · 27/09/2019 23:05

@GaudyNight

Incredible and tacky as it may seem, and indeed is, marriage proposals have indeed become something of a spectator sport. Sometimes with singing flash mobs, sometimes with children actively involved, and always filmed for the world to wonder at. And what’s even more more bizarre is that some women who’re publicly put on the spot like that actually do say yes!

The most recent I can think of was a man who interrupted his girlfriend’s graduation ceremony to propose. Another selfish numpty proposed as his girlfriend was on the podium having won an Olympic, I think, medal.

Sleepyhead19 · 27/09/2019 23:07

@GaudyNight I couldn’t agree more! A chaotic house is hardly the romantic proposal we hope for! I would probably say no if that was me! If he thinks that is how she would want it, he doesn’t know her very well. She also made it clear what she wanted and he didn’t listen.