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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 27/09/2019 16:24

Span1elsRock I hope he steps up, too.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/09/2019 16:27

Get settled firmly into 'birthday princess' mode OP.

Now that's he's started the conversation, your next move must be to ask him (with idle curiosity, not a hint of intent) what he's planned for meals, entertainment for the DCs while you relax in the hot tub etc. (Does the place offer spa treatments? Some cottage sites do).

Do not move an inch towards offering to plan, organise, pack or shop for any of this.

If he needs advice on how to organise everything, he can talk to the other adults involved.

Dieu · 27/09/2019 16:32

Aww, are you going to have the bloody kids? So much for a relaxing break! I wouldn't be happy and would probably make it known. YANBU.

CSIblonde · 27/09/2019 16:33

It's just odd to agree on something you said you wanted for your birthday, then suddenly decide to change it. Does he want to avoid time alone or does he always generally think he knows better & it's his choice to decide what you do. If he's generally clueless re stuff like this, I'd let him off, if he's not, it's really unkind & very controlling.

Drogosnextwife · 27/09/2019 16:35

God I would be gutted at that change of events. YANBU. Maybe you will get a chance to do the original plan another time? Maybe for your partners birthday.

littleorangecat22 · 27/09/2019 16:42

sitting in the hot tub chatting with my liver for for hours on end

I read this and really thought for a second that "chatting with my liver" was a euphemism for getting drunk and not a typo Grin

summersherewishiwasnt · 27/09/2019 16:47

I’d not be impressed, happy or grateful for a weekend of family/hostess work on my birthday. Totally depends if he and the other adults plan to do most of donkey work. Otherwise fuck that it’s a treat for everyone else.

summersherewishiwasnt · 27/09/2019 16:48

Not only will you have you kids , he’s invited his too. Sorry but it is thoughtless. It will not be a relaxing weekend as you had previously planned,

morrisseysquif · 27/09/2019 16:49

@Rubicon80 . No... I have had such self esteem I thought I had to be grateful for what I got. My family didn't help much, they were surprised I'd even managed to be with somebody (and wow, he was even in a band).

I've had extensive counselling and once I put some boundaries in place and said what I won't put up with, funnily enough, my family and some controlling friends have disappeared out of my life.
I'm working on exiting this relationship but two children and ten years on and no family, its not a direct path!

I guess for the OP, just be wary of when your needs are ignored, or people think you should be grateful regardless.

LondonJax · 27/09/2019 16:53

I understand his reasoning behind changing the weekend (although I'm not quite sure what the coordinating part of it was if his ex is usually OK to have their children and your parents have agreed to have yours). But leaving that aside...he arranged a surprise weekend a few weeks ago to make up for it...but didn't tell you it was to make up for it until now.

I just find that a strange way to do things. Not strange in a bad way, just 'strange'. It's like you saying you'd love to go to see Ed Sheeran for your birthday, he couldn't get tickets and rather than say 'look love, they've sold out of Ed Sheeran tickets. Is there someone else you'd prefer to see' he books Olly Murs because 'they're similar' - both being male singers.

If you can't get what your partner wants, something they've specified - not just hinted at, surely you talk to them about it? Well we do!

My DH knows, for example, that as I was born in the depths of winter, don't trouble booking a restaurant. I hate going out in the cold. Book a favourite take away, find me a choice of films on Netfllix, spoil me rotten with pressies and I'm happy. He knows, because he's asked me in the past and done what I've asked, that I wouldn't be looking forward to a meal at the Ritz around my birthday - I want to be warm, snuggle up and enjoy my day in my jeans and jumper. That's me. Even my DS said, last birthday, 'I told dad not to book a meal because you wouldn't enjoy it - too cold eh mum?'

I'm sure he meant well but it's not even the whole family thing really is it? He took you away for a surprise but not to the cottage you'd set your heart on. It's that as well as the 'being alone together'. The previous weekend away wasn't anything to do with this in your eyes because you didn't know it was supposed to be.

So YANBU. He needs to get that cottage booked for the two of you even if it's in a few months time. He needs to ensure you do as little as possible on the family weekend and, when that cottage for two is booked, he needs to make you feel incredibly special. Because, good intentions or not, he ballsed up. And we try to make up for balls ups when we love someone.

onedayiwillmissthis · 27/09/2019 16:58

Totally understand how disappointed you fee op. Was also feeling a bit...aww but the poor man tried his best (I'm working on trying to be a kinder person)...then I read your post about HIS comments this morning...WTF!

His guilt tripping you was way out of order. He should have been apologising and telling you he would sort it/rearrange back to suit your wishes not making with his 'poor little me' whiny excuses.

dramaqueen · 27/09/2019 17:00

Fuck that. I’d be telling him I’m going away on my own for the weekend. Stand up for yourself.

It’s not at all like saying you want to see Ed Sheeran and booking Olly Murs. It’s like booking Lil Kim.

WheelOfMisfortune · 27/09/2019 17:04

I would hate this OP. After my last birthday surprise I sat my husband down and politely asked him not to surprise me again. Hopefully he took it on board!

dudsville · 27/09/2019 17:05

I think you and your partner could still fix this op. Either cancel the booking or invite your family to go with your children. Just ask your partner to explain that there was a mix up. No drama. Then book a nice place with a hot tub. It won't be THE place, it might be more expensive last minute, but doing it this way, with no drama, would be fine.

dudsville · 27/09/2019 17:06

You could still then have the meal within your parents included in your original plan.

dudsville · 27/09/2019 17:07

This approach does require everyone involved to be level headed and not inclined to emotional intensity.

Seeingadistance · 27/09/2019 17:14

I’m another woman over 50, and the older I get the less arsed I can be bothered placating men’s fragile egos.

Personally, I’d be so pissed off that unless there was some really compelling reason (which I can’t actually think of) for him doing this, that the relationship would be over. My ex had a habit of doing things which were on the face of it kind, thoughtful and generous, but were in fact the exact opposite, and then blaming me when I wasn’t appreciative of something I had never asked for or actively said I didn’t
want.

I’d also be wary that he might have organised this weekend so he has an audience for a public proposal. Think about how you’ll respond if that is the case. And don’t even begin to think of saying yes to spare his feelings!

Bahhhhhumbug · 27/09/2019 17:44

It's so as not to miss an opportunity see his dc. Nothing wrong with that in theory but it's the manipulative way it's dressed up as doing something for you. My DH who was NRP to his dc,(now adults) pulls stunts like this all the time. We recently had a cottage holiday we both said it was bliss being alone, no family responsibilities atc and so much so we booked cottage again for next year. Dh instantly threw in that we could bring three more people next time as is a five berth cottage. He devinitely meant from his side of family . I pointed out to him that would take away the very reason we enjoyed it so much, the fact it was just us two. He sulked for half the journey home.

TatianaLarina · 27/09/2019 17:46

It's so as not to miss an opportunity see his dc

Yes, that’s what I said. It’s a way of seeing DC in a nice place with OP doing all the work.

Preggosaurus9 · 27/09/2019 17:48

YABU to be disappointed.

You should be absolutely raging Wink

timshelthechoice · 27/09/2019 17:52

It's so as not to miss an opportunity see his dc. Nothing wrong with that in theory but it's the manipulative way it's dressed up as doing something for you.

This. Spot on.

And there's absolutely no need for drama. All he has to do is tell the parties involved that he goofed, the booking was only for the two of them and he's really sorry he got it wrong but it's just for a couple weekend break.

PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 27/09/2019 18:00

Urgh- a cottage holiday with family is no break at all. It just means more work and managing around everyone else's needs.

Fuck that- he sounds a real tosser for doing what he has. There is nothing to be grateful for with this new arrangement- it sounds stressful and completely the opposite to what you stated you wanted.

Has he got some sort of sexual dysfunction going on?

PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 27/09/2019 18:03

I think he needs book separate accommodation nearby for the two of you that means you can show your face for the obligatory family stuff and then feck off to your own place.

Belgianbuns · 27/09/2019 18:06

Oh no!! I am totally with you OP. I would be furious. It seems like he doesn’t know you very well. In all honesty I don’t think I could pretend to like it or enjoy it. I would consider cancelling and losing the deposit rather than waste more money on a weekend away that you simply don’t want.

womenspeakout · 27/09/2019 18:13

We recently had a cottage holiday we both said it was bliss being alone, no family responsibilities atc and so much so we booked cottage again for next year. Dh instantly threw in that we could bring three more people next time as is a five berth cottage. He devinitely meant from his side of family . I pointed out to him that would take away the very reason we enjoyed it so much, the fact it was just us two. He sulked for half the journey home.

I'm with the OP, but here, especially as it's her birthday, but I see it that your DH only wanted to share his enjoyment of the cottage you've already had the enjoyment of.

You completely shot him down, so he has no say at all as you don't want it and his wants aren't valid as you don't agree.