...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

[TheresAMouse]

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

I'm gutted for you OP. I wouldn't go.

Thanks everyone. He did say this morning that he feels like he's made me feel awful and that he feels awful about that as he thought he was doing the right thing. He said he hadn't slept much thinking about it. I didn't sleep much either thinking about it 😔

Well, isn’t that lovely of him to guilt you that he feels badly. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

@timshelthechoice

I'm 50, too, don't buy this 'you should be grateful' bollocks and I would still go with cancelling it. Let's reframe this: My boyfriend brought up my 40th birthday and asked what I wanted. I told him I wanted a v-necked cashmere sweater.

After looking online, I found one I loved from Uniqlo, he thought it was fab, too. I walked away happy. He's now told me he bought me a lacy teddy from Ann Summers and expects me to like it.'

Because that's what he did here, had an adult discussion with his girlfriend about what she'd liked for her birthday, and then thought, nah, I know what she'd like better, and why bother to consider that it might be more work for her to get into, scratchy and uncomfortable because well, I think this looks better.

EXCELLENT post.

I can't believe some of the bullshit I am reading on here, about how the OP should be grateful that her partner has changed EVERYTHING they had planned, and everything she wanted to do, for something that suited HIM.

Some women here have been seriously brainwashed by their men! They must have been if they think this manipulative and controlling behaviour is acceptable!!!

(Either that, or the posters in question ARE men!)

That's so weird, why would he not want romantic kid free time with you? I'd be upset too OP!

after my mum passed away that night is now one of my most treasured memories with her - and the ex is long gone.

My favourite bullshit argument. My mom is dead so you should spend time with yours. But that’s not what op wants. Don’t put your feelings of guilt and loss onto others

(Ftr, my mother died when I was a child. It’s still a bullshit argument meant to keep women sweet to others wishes)

@leomama81

People are saying it's well-intentioned ... well, well-intentioned or not, it's part of many men thinking they know best. And not thinking about the actual impact for the woman. Basically, an embedded part of patriarchal thinking that many of us are sick of. Well-intentioned, perhaps, but patriarchal, and thinking we can't think for ourselves or make our own decisions..

This. ^

My DH had a habit of doing this when we were much younger. He meant well (probably!) but would do things I had specifically said to NOT do, because he thought he knew what was 'best for me...'

Eg, when I had our first child, I felt overwhelmed and a bit lost, but wanted to muddle through on my own (while he was at work and I was on maternity leave,) and sit in my jammies all day, (in front of the TV with just me and the baby.)

I told him this, but he still saw fit to send his mate's fucking WIFE - who I didn't even know - to our house with her 2 boys aged 3 and 4, to 'keep me company.'

And she said she is happy to 'coach me' on how to mother my child, and how to cope with everything, and how to change nappies quickly/properly, and she said 'if you find it overwhelming, it's OK, you can cry...'

I thought 'who the fuck ARE you, and why are you HERE?' I was so angry that she turned up, that after 15 minutes I said, 'sorry I am tired I want to go to bed with my baby with me now, can you go please?'

Apparently she was so angry and offended that I sent her and her 2 kids packing, that DH said his mate at work was proper arsey with him for a week. And apparently it was all my fault.

'Could you not have been more accommodating with her?' he said with a look?

When I think back, I am furious with myself for not saying 'Just go fuck yourself. I owe you - and your scabby fucking mate and his wife absolutely NOTHING.'

YANBU.

It seems you were very happy with the original plan. Why then would he feel the need to change it? Seems he just did what he wanted without thought for you, as much as he may claim it’s for you.

I've felt so many emotions reading this thread, the latest being sad. Sad that some women on here feel OP should be grateful for what her DP has done.

It's worrying that her DP has guilt tripped her, instead of taking on board he's been a twat. Is he manipulative and controlling?

Also still wondering WHY he would do such a thing. Not the actions of a thoughtful partner. Hope it isn't a proposal as some pp's have suggested. That would be beyond manipulative.

@Onemansoapopera I don’t think you’re a man. I think telling OP To keep sweet because you lost your mother is manipulative bullshit though. Your experience might be a nice memory for you, but you told her that it would be a good experience for her as well. That might not be the case.

You suggested that your ex partner knew you better than you knew yourself, and that her partner knows better for her than she does. So yes. Misogynistic.

The irony that you called me patronizing is not lost on me.

Oneman I am very sorry for the loss of your mum, but you literally told OP to not "turn your nose up at it" solely on the basis of what happened to you.

Telling someone to be be happy with something they explicitly requested the opposite of, because of what sadly happened in your case, is not just you recounting your experience.

Thank you for saying it nicer than I could @buzzshitbagbobly

onemansoapopera

My ex did something similar for my 40th birthday - organised a surprise visit to a big stadium show I'd wanted to see for ages and I was made up - then it was revealed he had also arranged for my mum to come too.

..after my mum passed away that night is now one of my most treasured memories with her - and the ex is long gone. The fact that he's already taken you away speaks volumes - he sounds like a guy who's genuinely tried to tick all the boxes. I can understand your disappointment but time with family (if you get on of course) and especially parents is on a meter - please don't turn your nose up at it.

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@LovePoppy

My favourite bullshit argument. My mom is dead so you should spend time with yours. But that’s not what op wants. Don’t put your feelings of guilt and loss onto others.

(Ftr, my mother died when I was a child. It’s still a bullshit argument meant to keep women sweet to others wishes.)

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@BuzzShitbagBobbly

Oneman I am very sorry for the loss of your mum, but you literally told OP to not "turn your nose up at it" solely on the basis of what happened to you.

Telling someone to be be happy with something they explicitly requested the opposite of, because of what sadly happened in your case, is not just you recounting your experience.

Well said, I am glad I am not the only one who thought this was a low blow, and incredibly manipulative of @Onemansoapopera to try and guilt trip the OP.

Like you lovepoppy, I lost my mother some years ago, but would never stoop so low as to use that fact, to try and guilt-trip and manipulate someone into doing something they don't want to do.

Seriously, you need to calm down @Onemansoapopera You need to take a break from the forum for an hour. You've no right to swear and shout at people for challenging you on your words. You are also not the first to lose your mother, and you won't be the last.

If you are going to post such manipulative posts on message forums, then prepare to be challenged on it.

Like buzz, I am sorry you lost your mother, but that doesn't give you a free rein to call people names and tell them to fuck off etc etc.....

As I said, calm down, and take a break from the forum for an hour, because you are clearly incredibly angry.

I think this is a case of 'means well' but made a right mess of it...

Also, what on earth possessed him to think it was a good idea to swap the plans like that, given a bit more thought about what the OP wanted, hopefully it would have dawned on him that if she's have wanted a family weekend she's have asked for it.

My ex has form for this type of thing and book me a weekend away. But it was always doing something 'he' wanted to do. People thought he was so kind, trouble was I wanted a city break without the kids, not a weekend away with the kids in the fucking caravan whilst he went fishing

My partner did something similar, a surprise do rather then the weekend away I planned, because HE wanted to do something else that weekend and my birthday was on the Monday. So he went away anyway, and I got a much unwanted surprise birthday lunch, as I hate being the centre of attention, watching everybody get drunk and thus the conversation pointless and hiding the fact that I was pregnant.

That pretty much set the tone for our relationship ever since.

I would be feeling just like you OP!

It's really surprising that your parents didn't question this new arrangement .
I think that all you can do now is grin and bear it .
It's not what you signed up for at all which is disappointing to say the least so YANBU to be disappointed.
Make the most of all the adults there to spend as much quality time as possible together . Let me spoil you rotten . Another cottage would be a bit much but a stay in a decent hotel with a decent spa just for the two of you might be a good compromise?

Sorry let them spoil you rotten !

If he is now starting to whine that he feels bad then he knows where the door is. If he felt that bad, he'd be taking action not whining to the person whose birthday he has ruined.

Totally agree.

@morrisseysquif I hope he's an ex now??!

@Onemansoapopera Your posts are well over the line. Your distress about your own loss does not make it OK for you to abuse other posters like this, or to try to make the OP feel guilty for her perfectly reasonable feelings.

I think that all you can do now is grin and bear it

This is what makes me angry. If OP refuses to go, it upsets everyone else who's been invited, so she has to suck it up or look like a Diva. It's totally unfair of her partner to do this when he knew damn well it isn't at all what she aked for.

I find it completely bizarre that any man would reorganise a romantic, child free weekend break to instead spend a weekend with his in-laws

Well at least he's twigged you're not happy about.

It will go one of two ways, OP. He'll either sulk and make it all about him - or he will step up and make it a weekend to remember where you're spoiled rotten.

I truly hope it's the latter for your sake

Go somewhere else nice on your own.