...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

[TheresAMouse]

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

He said he hadn't slept much thinking about it. I didn't sleep much either thinking about it 😔

If you were awake a lot, was he also awake then? Or sleeping soundly?

he thought he was doing the right thing
"Darling, I'd love a weekend away in this cottage with hot tub, just the two of us, for my 40th!"

• And he takes from that what you really want is a weekend of same parenting shit in an unfamiliar place that is not the one you chose, and with the added bonus of having 8-10 extra adults and children along for the ride?

I'm not buying it. Any of it. Sorry OP.

I am gutted for you OP! Just tell him tonight to cancel and book the cottage weekend that you wanted, after all it's YOUR birthday treat!!

Did you parents want to get out of babysitting? Maybe they really didn't want to and went along with this plan?!

How on earth can he think that doing the opposite of what you wanted is the right thing? And now laying a guilt trip on you? "he didn't sleep much".......he thinks he's made you feel awful".......

You feel awful because he's been a twat, and you're supposed to be grateful for the 'surprise' that he's overridden your wishes.

I think you mentioned that you'd had a night away the two of you not long ago. If I read it right perhaps he thought that this may be something different or that your family wanted to celebrate with you as well.

Ask him. If he's talking about not being able to sleep, ask him what made him decide to change your carefully prepared plans.

Did he think that really you'd like a party? Especially as it's a significant birthday? If you don't have all the family together very often I can see how he might have thought you'd like it, but really it should have been discussed when you were booking it. "Wouldn't you rather celebrate with all the family?" Not that difficult to have the conversation first.

You know what, I’ve been thinking about this and honestly? I’d be annoyed and I’d make it known that I was pissed off with the plan change. I don’t give a fuck if he thought he was being nice etc, he clearly didn’t listen to what you would prefer or what interests you and went and didn’t something he knows you didn’t want. I’d be telling him to either arrange what was already planned and if he couldn’t you would see him when he’s back. Enjoy a peaceful weekend at home while the whole family is away lol

Does he realise how much work he's taken on, as organiser of this event?

Make sure he does, OP, and that he knows you'll be having a relaxed birthday.

I'd be fuming OP! Also the fact that he's included close family in this ordeal. So if he has to phone everyone to cancel or change the plan then it can make you look bad.

'Sorry everyone! I was being an amazing husband in wanting to book a lovely holiday to share OP's birthday with you all, but turns out she doesn't want you to be there, she only wants me, so we have to cancel.'

Much different to how it could have been done: 'Hi everyone, OP's birthday is coming up and we've booked a lovely weekend away just the two of us, but we'd love to arrange a meal one day to celebrate her birthday with all of you so let's look at dates.'

I'm shocked that you specifically told him 'I've spent time thinking about this, found a cottage I like, booked the dates for childcare with my parents, this is what I want for my birthday' and he went off and did something completely different and expected you to be happy about that? How does he think 'private weekend for the two of us' can even compare to 'weekend with the entire family'.

Cancel it !

Don't put yourself through shit just to please other people

Your going to be 40. It's about time you put yourself first

Clearly just wanted to bring his kids

Oh op he’s so trying to do a good good thing! Agree with pp that you do this holiday ad then book the couples retreat for a bit later. We did this for lots of our 40ths in the family and it was really lovely (we don’t always get on well either). It’s lovely that they all want to help you celebrate.

If he did nothing he’d probably be wrong here on mumsnet too. Sometimes it really is the intention behind the act that’s important, even if it doesn’t absolutely meet your (possibly unspoken) desires.

littlehappyhippo

madambee is clearly either...

a) a MAN

or

b) a woman who is told what to do by her husband so much and so often, (and that she should be grateful that he is even WITH her,) that this controlling and manipulative behaviour is just normal to her now.

---------------------------------
@madambee

Ha no I'm neither.

But I'm over 50 and have mellowed a lot.

Instead of seeing everything as offensive, abusive whatever I try to look at things more positive.

In other words, you back down and let your husband have his way, and do what HE wants, just for a quiet life, and so he won't go into a passive aggressive mood for the week...

We've all been there; you don't have to tolerate it, and dress it up as 'I am over 50, and I have mellowed a lot.....'

As I said earlier, as I got older, I tolerated less LESS shit/manipulative behaviour/mood swings from DH ... not MORE! I certainly did not 'mellow' and let him still exhibit unreasonable behaviour, and do what the fuck he wanted to - with me having no say in anything!!!

If he did nothing he’d probably be wrong here on mumsnet too

FFS OP TOLD HIM what she wanted. He did the OPPOSITE.

I'm over 50 and I still think he's been a prat!

If he is now starting to whine that he feels bad then he knows where the door is. If he felt that bad, he'd be taking action not whining to the person whose birthday he has ruined.

If he did nothing he’d probably be wrong here on mumsnet too. Sometimes it really is the intention behind the act that’s important, even if it doesn’t absolutely meet your (possibly unspoken) desires.

She told him exactly what she wanted. She even picked out the cottage and booked the childcare with her parents. All he had to do was book the cottage OP picked out. Instead he booked another cottage and invited the whole family. So it's not a case of him doing nothing it's a case of him doing the complete oposite of what the OP specifically asked him to do and said she wanted for her birthday.

Oh op he’s so trying to do a good good thing!

"Trying to do a good thing" would be (for example) bringing home a slab of OP's favourite chocolate unprompted, if she'd said she'd had a shit day.

"Trying to do a good thing" is NOT listening to her make a specific request about what SHE wants for HER birthday and then doing the exact bloody opposite...and then making her feel bad for it!

I honestly don't get why people are so indulgent towards such shit.

Thanks everyone. He did say this morning that he feels like he's made me feel awful and that he feels awful about that as he thought he was doing the right thing. He said he hadn't slept much thinking about it. I didn't sleep much either thinking about it

'Well, let's just cancel it now, then. It's clearly not what either of us are happy with so let's cut our losses! We can plan a new weekend when the dust has settled' (big smile).

You might find he is surprised at that, though - he will be expecting 'Oh sorry darling, I was just surprised, that's all - it will be fine, I am sure I will love planning meals for you all once I get into the idea!!'

:)

Cancel it.

He won't try this shit again.

(nb 'this shit' = thinking he knows what you want better than you do. When you've veen crystal clear.)

Christ @littlehappyhippo
I don't back anywhere, but I used to be feisty as fuck, and actually ruined a lot of good times for myself.

Please bear in mind not all women are nice yes sayers and not all men are abusive. OP's dp actually seems to be coming from a good place.

Jesus Christ, some of the replies on here. You’d have thought he’d strangled her pet or something.

Manipulative and abusive for booking a family cottage for her birthday. Wow. I hope all your husbands/partners are so perfect. They probably are because they’re petrified to get anything wrong I pity them with your attitudes!

OP, it’s disappointing but his heart was in the right place AND he took you away for a weekend to make up for it (you just didn’t know it!). Enjoy your family weekend and then book the hot tub cottage for another weekend :) he made a mistake but it is NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.

Who is paying for all of this? The extra food, bigger cottage, etc?

But I'm over 50 and have mellowed a lot

Instead of seeing everything as offensive, abusive whatever I try to look at things more positive

I'm well over 50 and in many ways I have mellowed a lot but when I hear shit Ike this it make me mad. How dare people ( some men) dare to ride rough shod over someone's wishes especially as she shas stated what she wants on an occasion that should be about her!

I am more positive than I've ever been and some of the things I see on MN that make people 'fume' or be 'angry' at I just think wtf? However this is upsetting for OP.

OP, id be very disappointed too.

If you do go, do not involve yourself in the organisation of food etc.

It's your birthday. He decided to change the plans. Well let him also sort out the rest of the details, re feeding everyone etc.

That’s good that he feels awful: he should!

He can partly improve matters by doing ALL the work involved.

Me and OH have an understanding that sometimes she can arrange something but that the other years I can do what I like. I usually just want to do something utterly simple and yet utterly gratefully wonderful like walking with her and the dog on the beach and ending up in a cafe for breakfast.