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Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
Drabarni · 27/09/2019 12:49

This is quite a new relationship in the scheme of things and highlights how we don't know somebody until many years into a relationship.
You need to communicate what you would like, after 30 odd years mine reads me like a book Grin

PuppyMonkey · 27/09/2019 12:50

I’d be very pissed off with this. Yes, you can tell DP to sort the shopping and look after the kids etc while you go off and put your feet up. But it’s not the same as going on an adults only, carefree, relaxing romantic break with your partner, is it?

Is there maybe a nice pub or restaurant near the cottage that you and he can go to for a meal just the two of you one evening? The grandparents wouldn’t mind babysitting I bet?

meccacos2 · 27/09/2019 12:54

As a side note, why do people think the OP will be making tea and coffee for everyone? I really don’t understand this.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 27/09/2019 12:57

Oh OP I would be gutted too! Silly stupid DP!

Obviously it is a well-meant (if totally Ill-advised) gesture and I think you just have to get on board and make the best of it.

fedup21 · 27/09/2019 12:57

I’d have been really looking forward to a weekend for two with long chats in the hot tub and maybe afternoons in bed, I would be absolutely gutted at the change of plan.

How is he reacting to your reaction?!

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 27/09/2019 12:57

why do people think the OP will be making tea and coffee for everyone

Because OP appears to have accepted she won't get the break she expressly wanted and that she will have to play mum, like every other day of her life, and there's no way out of that.

I really hope she is going to prove us wrong and stick up for herself though.

JemSynergy · 27/09/2019 12:58

I don't think it is a bad idea. I would like to spend my birthday with my children and family. I went to America for my 40th and my children came too.

Ohyesiam · 27/09/2019 12:58

Oh it’s so tough when it’s been done with good intentionsFlowers.
Do what I did with my 50 th and use it as an excuse to have several treats. Find a time to rebook the weekend for 2 ?

LenoVentura · 27/09/2019 12:59

I've seen all sorts on this forum, but this made me gasp out loud Shock. This isn't about you though - he's booked a nice weekend for his kids and disguised it as a family break hung on the peg of your birthday.

You need to pull up your big girl pants and tell him it's not happening, for all of the reasons posted by everyone upthread. All he had to do, literally all he had to do, was press send on the booking form, but oh no, he set about a really big task of organising something completely different for a much bigger group of people. Something HE wanted, NOT you.

Just don't go. He'll never do it again. Sometimes the grand gesture is what's needed when someone is really thick.

ScarlettSahara · 27/09/2019 12:59

I would be gutted too. I hope he hasn’t done this as some ‘grand gesture’.
He doesn’t seem to get that being a single parent is relentless. I think you do need to talk it through with him & ask his reasoning, how he envisages the weekend & extra work involved playing out.
As a pp suggested, his responses & whether he attempts to understand your point of view & make amends will be illuminating.

RhubarbTea · 27/09/2019 13:00

It seems like he doesn't know you very well at all, I wouldn't be happy about that either.

This. I would be so upset if my DP did this, it's so far from what you wanted I would be cringing. What a shame. If you can't cancel then make the best of it and never allow him to organise anything important again. (And consider if he really gets and knows you that well).

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 27/09/2019 13:00

I don't think it is a bad idea. I would like to spend my birthday with my children and family. I went to America for my 40th and my children came too.

And the award for completely missing the entire point of the thread goes to...

Drum2018 · 27/09/2019 13:01

You need to communicate what you would like

By choosing the cottage she wanted to go to and then organising her parents to mind her kids, I'd say she well and truly communicated what she wanted.

PrettyPurse · 27/09/2019 13:02

I'd be gutted too. Instead of a weekend of relaxing you're now back ...still being "mum" . .and doing all the usual "mum" things.

Pretty shit.

womenspeakout · 27/09/2019 13:03

I don't think it is a bad idea. I would like to spend my birthday with my children and family. I went to America for my 40th and my children came too.

But that's what YOU would like, we all want and like different things, and the OP wanted what she wanted. You clearly wanted to go to the US with family and got that, the OP hasn't got what she wanted.

And to highlight the point, I couldn't imagine anything worse than going to America. Horses for courses.

fedup21 · 27/09/2019 13:03

I don't think it is a bad idea. I would like to spend my birthday with my children and family. I went to America for my 40th and my children came too.

Whoopie do for you!

It’s not what the OP wanted for her 40th though, which is kind of what is the issue here...

MulticolourMophead · 27/09/2019 13:06

The fact that he did all this booking, getting all these people to come, does min a mu e me wonder about a proposal.

Nice as that may be, he's using her birthday to do what he wants.

That's actually not very nice at all.

ScarlettSahara · 27/09/2019 13:09

Cross-posted with Leno. We both thought ‘grand gesture’.
Agree that the relationship is still relatively new & so DP still on a learning curve but OP I do think you need to make your feelings clear because he has changed what you both chose & it really wasn’t your choice.
I hope he is understanding about it & that you can find some way to enjoy your day.

clucky3 · 27/09/2019 13:14

I would be gutted by this too OP. The worst thing would be the realisation that my partner doesn't actually know me at all.

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 13:15

Thanks everyone. He did say this morning that he feels like he's made me feel awful and that he feels awful about that as he thought he was doing the right thing. He said he hadn't slept much thinking about it. I didn't sleep much either thinking about it 😔

OP posts:
womenspeakout · 27/09/2019 13:20

Why did he decide to do this then?

Seems crazy that you've been planning and looking forwards to one kind of trip and he just took it upon himself to upend it all.

Why when you said this is what you wanted did he think it best to ignore it all? Did he give any explanation?

ReanimatedSGB · 27/09/2019 13:24

Something else that occurred to me, OP: does this man have a hobby/interest, and is there an event relating to this hobby/interest taking place on your chosen weekend? Because changing the couple-break to a family weekend might also be about, well, she's got all her family around to keep her occupied, so I will just slope off to the match/fair/gig. Or is he likely to have a 'work emergency' that means he gets rid of you, your family and his own DC for a weekend's peace?

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 13:25

@womenspeakout that's exactly what I'm confused about. The only guess I have is that my family may have approached him with the idea and he felt he should oblige.

OP posts:
EmNetta · 27/09/2019 13:26

I've always thought "family holidays" should be called something entirely different, being mainly just extra work for mum, and never understood why mums went along with them as a break - they're really not, and I'd be having a tactful word about having a few days to recover from all the extra work involved. Personally, I'd be adding something about having to slow down at age 40, and maybe even try to organise some help in the house, including the odd half day's spa treatment or similar, as women tend to do on reaching a certain age, etc. ......
Happy Birthday to you anyway.

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 13:27

@ReanimatedSGB if it was my ex-hubby then I would have said there was a fair chance of that. I'm sure it's nothing like that in this case though.

OP posts: