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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
Gazelda · 27/09/2019 14:06

It's not just the lack of a child free weekend that would bother me. My parents being there,as well as sis and BIL. Whole new dynamic. Convos about past holidays, relatives, gardening, house moves, car service etc rather than sitting in the hot tub chatting with my liver for for hours on end with chilled drinks and a takeaway menu. No romantic walks. No laying in bed until 11 no wandering back from a village pub at midnight.

Butteflyone1 · 27/09/2019 14:07

I'm so shocked at how ungrateful everyone is. I assume your DP has planned and paid for most (if not all) of the accommodation. That must have cost quite a bit.

He may have thought he was being selfish taking you away from your family and children for your birthday as I know some people would want to be around them on a special day.

Whilst I appreciate a lot goes into the weekend for planning, packing, cooking, cleaning etc but he hasn't thought about the practicalities of it, he's obviously just thought it was a lovely idea.

I am just so saddened how people have bashed your DP for organising something lovely when most people on here moan about how neglectful their partners are.

Rubicon80 · 27/09/2019 14:11

YANBU at all OP.

For what it's worth, I think it's absolutely fine to be disappointed, but you really need to say thank you and try to go along with it all. He's arranged a surprise, albeit one you don't want, but going to some trouble is good.

Fuck that. He's controlling and has decided that it should be what HE wants for your birthday, not what you want. I wouldn't go, flat out.

BumbleBeee69 · 27/09/2019 14:12

He may have thought

well that's just the point.. He didn't think...

So OP gets to play MUM and HOST all over again, just like every other day in life, for her Birthday too.. Hmm

MarianaMoatedGrange · 27/09/2019 14:12

Butteflyone1 OP told her DP what she wanted. A childfree time. DP decided different. That OP must have both hers and DP's children to cater for.

leomama81 · 27/09/2019 14:13

This strikes me as the sort of thing a man would do if he doesn't fancy the idea of having to pay his partner any attention on a minibreak - you can be busy entertaining the family while he slopes off to the pub or has a wank or something. If it's just the two of you, he might actually have to talk to you.

I agree with this I have to say. That's what I'd be saying to him too, that you were really looking forward to it being just the two of you and now wonder if perhaps he wasn't.

It is also disrespectful, it's an "I know what's best" despite what you wanted.

I'm 38 and I've already got a childfree break in mind for my 40th - and childfree is the first word in that sentence!

GrandmaSteglitszch · 27/09/2019 14:14

Why did he decide to do this then?
that's exactly what I'm confused about So ask him, then.

Why is he making this about him?
An appropriate reaction from him would be to think of how to make amends e.g. say how he's going to do all the work on the family break, say you'll both go out for a special meal together during the break, or at least ask you how he can make it better.

(Possibly your parents said nothing to you as they had got, from him, the impression you were happy with the new arrangement and the replacement weekend.)

MarshaBradyo · 27/09/2019 14:14

I’d love to know what led him to change it, what was his thinking

It’s a numpty decision, what a shame as it deflates it for you both now

Rubicon80 · 27/09/2019 14:14

@Zebraaa Wow. I hope all your husbands/partners are so perfect. They probably are because they’re petrified to get anything wrong hmm I pity them with your attitudes!

No need to pity my husband. We're not perfect, but we understand & respect each other. And would never pull any shit like this as a 'surprise'.

rbmilliner · 27/09/2019 14:16

Ah bless em - how is it they can get it so wrong whilst trying so hard:)))

I've got one exactly the same.

I'd suck it up and book the next one kids free yourself but just make sure he knows that what your looking forward to, directly or indirectly.

rbmilliner · 27/09/2019 14:16

Oh and HAppy birthday

yearinyearout · 27/09/2019 14:17

Oh dear, what an arse! Unfortunately there's not much you can do about it now, but I would have a quiet word with him afterwards and let him know how much you were looking forward to some alone time, and book something for the two of you at a later date!

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 27/09/2019 14:18

I'm so shocked at how ungrateful everyone is. I assume your DP has planned and paid for most (if not all) of the accommodation. That must have cost quite a bit.
"Ungrateful"? THAT'S what you took from OP choosing the one thing she'd like to do, then her husband unilaterally deciding her knew best and (undoubtedly) costing a lot more?

He may have thought he was being selfish taking you away from your family and children for your birthday as I know some people would want to be around them on a special day.
Seeing as OP had ALREADY TOLD HIM what she'd like most of all, I can safely say "thinking" is not his strong point.

Whilst I appreciate a lot goes into the weekend for planning, packing, cooking, cleaning etc but he hasn't thought about the practicalities of it, he's obviously just thought it was a lovely idea.
A lot for OP yes. On her birthday weekend. He'll just swan about having a lovely time like you say, I'm sure.

I am just so saddened how people have bashed your DP for organising something lovely when most people on here moan about how neglectful their partners are.
I am just so saddened you think OP should be weeping with gratitude for this shitshow that she didn't want, explicitly didn't ask for and is now lumbered with.

Sceptre86 · 27/09/2019 14:19

Yanbu I would feel the exact same. I would spell it put to him in the future, a lot less romantic I know but it spares you disappointment.

womenspeakout · 27/09/2019 14:20

For everyone saying book it for another time, it's possible the OP hasn't got another weekend to spare, as she said, her parents do not live near her, so it's not as if she can just take off for a child free weekend in a couple of weeks time.

And this was for her actual birthday, now it'll be a completely different thing and her birthday will involve overseeing the children and everyone else.

womenspeakout · 27/09/2019 14:21

@Sceptre86

The OP did spell it out for him. They had picked the actual cottage to rent, she thought that was where they were going, no surprises.

womenspeakout · 27/09/2019 14:23

Whilst I appreciate a lot goes into the weekend for planning, packing, cooking, cleaning etc but he hasn't thought about the practicalities of it, he's obviously just thought it was a lovely idea.

And that's just it, isn't it?

If he hasn't even given consideration to all of these things, it means he's not the one who does/will do them, so that's why the OP wanted a break for her birthday.

Onemansoapopera · 27/09/2019 14:24

My ex did something similiar for my 40th birthday - organised a surprise visit to a big stadium show I'd wanted to see for ages and I was made up - then it was revealed he had also arranged for my mum to come too. It was hard to hide my disappointment, not because I didn't love my mum but because I though time alone with him was more precious....after my mum passed away that night is now one of my most treasured memories with her - and the ex is long gone. The fact that he's already taken you away speaks volumes - he sounds like a guy who's genuinely tried to tick all the boxes. I can understand your disappointment but time with family (if you get on of course) and especially parents is on a meter - please don't turn your nose up at it.

AlexaAmbidextra · 27/09/2019 14:25

I don't think it is a bad idea. I would like to spend my birthday with my children and family. I went to America for my 40th and my children came too.

But that was what you wanted. It isn’t what OP wants.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 27/09/2019 14:30

I can understand your disappointment but time with family (if you get on of course) and especially parents is on a meter - please don't turn your nose up at it.

Are you seriously saying OP should be grateful in case her family are dead soon? Christ on a bike....

Misanthropy101 · 27/09/2019 14:32

Good lord! Does he always completely misread you? Grin

GrandmaSteglitszch · 27/09/2019 14:32

I'm an old bat who has been childfree for years but reading the OP from TheresAMouse I was imagining the lovely relaxing cottage stay she hoped to have and then I was stunned that her DP had snatched it away from her and replaced it with the complete opposite.

To those saying "well, you did get a weekend away together" - do you think that TheresAMouse would have agreed to that and to the family jolly, if she'd been asked?
I'd guess not, so why should she be pleased about it now?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 27/09/2019 14:32

I just hope this isn't DP setting the scene for all future supposedly mutual decision making. Nip it in the bud OP.

Brefugee · 27/09/2019 14:34

I'm so shocked at how ungrateful everyone is.
I'm another over 50 - I'm so over being grateful for stuff i don't want.

Having read OPs update about his sleepless night, I'm feeling sorry for OP and her DP. He obviously did this out of love, and for whatever reason he did it he knows he's got it wrong.
In this position I'd say: OK, we'll do it and have fun but don't EVER pull a stunt like this again.
And make him cook/clean all weekend.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 27/09/2019 14:37

@GrandmaSteglitszch me too! my DC are 30s and 40s but I'll never forget the much needed childfree times when they were kids. Bliss! to have that precious time snatched away and replaced by being round MORE kids? Devastating.