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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this a bit odd?

119 replies

WhatTheFluck · 26/09/2019 22:39

Don't know if I am being paranoid.
Friend said that ever since I met my partner, I haven't been in touch so much as I was and that she felt used. I reassured her and things were ok for a while but now seem strange again. She gives short answers when I ask if she is ok and seems to be distancing herself once more. I did depend on her a lot (Almost daily texts ) when I was struggling but I also supported her. Since I met my partner, my life has got a lot more full and am meeting a lot of people. But thats not my fault.
When she came to get something from my house the other day, I found a note left behind. It was a letter from her addressed to a relative of an old lady she looks after (works in an old people's home.) She was telling the relative how when she met 'Mary' it helped her massively as she suddenly felt purposeful and recognised as well as talking about how her and Mary had become good friends and she really needed a good friend at that time. I asked her about the note and she said it must have slipped out her bag. Some of the note read like Mary had 'healed' her and been an amazing friend. Am I being super paranoid to think she planted it in my house to make a point?

OP posts:
WarshipWarrior · 26/09/2019 22:46

Really? That's your AIBU? It should be - am I a shit friend since i dumped my friend after getting a boyfriend. Yes. Yes you are. Even more so because your AIBU is actually about whether she planted something in your house Hmm

Original poster
WhatTheFluck · 26/09/2019 22:50

I didn't dump her. Things just eased off on my side as they would as a natural progression when things get better but I told her she is still important to me.
I just find it all a bit odd that this particular note happened to fall out of her bag at my house. 😐

OP posts:
Armadillostoes · 26/09/2019 22:51

Was she angry that you read the letter? Most people wouldn't have been impressed with that, surely it was obvious after a couple of lines that it wasn't intended for you?

Sn0tnose · 26/09/2019 22:58

I did depend on her a lot (Almost daily texts ) when I was struggling

Things just eased off on my side as they would as a natural progression when things get better

And you genuinely can’t see why she might have the hump with you?

Original poster
WhatTheFluck · 26/09/2019 23:01

No, she was not angry.
I can't help that i met someone and rebuilt my life and social circle. There is only so much of saying 'You're still important to me' that I can do. She knows that if she needs a chat with me she only has to ask.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 26/09/2019 23:04

You’re not taking any responsibility for how you cutting contact with her must have made her feel.

morrisseysquif · 26/09/2019 23:05

You sound very patronising and defensive. Daily contact for her support to ' I can't help that i met someone and rebuilt my life and social circle'
Around a man???
Jesus wept, you are one of THOSE women.

Do you do all his hobbies too?

mauvaisereputation · 26/09/2019 23:07

If you think that the letter was written to make a point then maybe it's time to check in with her again and see if you can see how she's doing. IMO it's normal to see friends less at some times than others so I don't think you've done anything wrong, but that doesn't mean she doesn't need you now.

SD1978 · 26/09/2019 23:07

So you depending heavily on each other- but you got a boyfriend and inherited his friends and now don't need her. I can see why she's upset, and if you don't want to be that kind of friend anymore because you're too busy, then tell her that. The letter was deliberate yes but you shouldn't have read it- it wasn't addressed to you. If you don't like the relationship anymore, then cut it and tell her- but I'd your relationship implodes, don't pick her back up because it suits you.

1Morewineplease · 26/09/2019 23:08

It seems clear that you have moved on and left her behind because your life is now ‘better!’
I think that you need to do a bit of thinking.

LordNibbler · 26/09/2019 23:10

You're a user. You've more or less dumped her and moved onto better things. I bet if you get dumped, you'll be texting her all the time again and probably be upset and perplexed when she tells you to go fuck yourself.
She's better off without you!

mauvaisereputation · 26/09/2019 23:11

I don't get the anger towards the OP. I used to be in daily contact with friends when I was in my early 20s and see them several times a week, often meeting up spontaneously late at night and then sleeping over. Frankly it'd be a bit weird if I did that now as a married woman with a baby. It's normal for friendships to decrease in intensity as you get older. It's also normal to check in with friends more when they're going through hard times. I've had a couple of close friends who were bereaved and of course I had a lot more contact with them as they were in the midst of grief - texts, phone calls and meetings. And of course the intensity eased off as they began to heal. IMO that's totally normal as well.

SaveMeBarry · 26/09/2019 23:12

Yabu and I don't seriously believe you're so dense you can't even grasp that you've been a selfish user Hmm. You've ditched her because you don't need her anymore and your you're still important to me platitude is clearly not convincing.

Original poster
WhatTheFluck · 26/09/2019 23:12

It isn't using someone if you are still there for them and ask how they are.
Yes, it's obvious the letter was deliberate and she wanted me to see it to prove a point.

OP posts:
Tiredtessy · 26/09/2019 23:14

Have you not invited your friend into your new friendship circle?

SaveMeBarry · 26/09/2019 23:15

It isn't using someone if you are still there for them and ask how they are

Except she's TOLD you she felt used! Or do her feelings on the matter not count?

Original poster
WhatTheFluck · 26/09/2019 23:18

I didn't just drop her either. I still show an interest when I see her.
It's like Maeve said, things change over time and it's no fault of anyone's.
I would just prefer it if she spoke to me rather than make a passive dig like the letter seemed to be.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 26/09/2019 23:19

It's like Maeve said, things change over time and it's no fault of anyone's.

More avoiding accepting any responsibility. You changed how often you were in contact when it suited you and she feels used.

GreyGardens88 · 26/09/2019 23:20

You're definitively a stone cold user OP, texting her all the time for support when you need her, then when you don't need her anymore you pretty much cut contact apart from a throwaway "she can talk to me if she needs to". Sounds like you have no interest in being friends with her at all and wish to make zero effort now you don't need her anymore

PawPawNoodle · 26/09/2019 23:20

Maybe she did leave it so that you'd read it, maybe she didnt feel able to talk to you about your friendship. It's clearly been in vain as rather than you taking the opportunity to reflect on how she feels and whether you could be a better friend, you've instead chosen to take offense.

A forum full of strangers on the internet can see that your platitudes are just words and that you've made no effort with your friend, and sadly you don't seem to grasp that simply telling someone that they can talk to you whenever simply isn't always good enough.

EustaciaPieface · 26/09/2019 23:23

I’d be pissed off with you too OP. You met new people and you don't think that’s your fault? Fair enough, but it is your fault that you’ve neglected your friend.

Original poster
WhatTheFluck · 26/09/2019 23:23

I asked for opinions on whether I am right in that the letter was planted there not if I am a user or not. 😐 I am always here for her. All she has to do is let me know. I was in a terrible state when I separated but my life is coming back together and it isn't just because of my boyfriend. This doesn't mean I have dropped her but the circumstances have changed as they do when someone has over come a trauma

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 26/09/2019 23:25

I am always here for her. All she has to do is let me know.

Can you really not understand that from her perspective that might not feel like you’re bothered at all?

couldntcareless · 26/09/2019 23:25

Sounds like you were very close friends and you dumped her for a man. You better be careful because will she be there now if things don't work out with you and boyfriend?

Original poster
WhatTheFluck · 26/09/2019 23:27

In all fairness what else can I do but reassure her?
She knows I am here. I have said she is still important and I have thanked her for all the support she gave me

OP posts:
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