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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this a bit odd?

119 replies

WhatTheFluck · 26/09/2019 22:39

Don't know if I am being paranoid.
Friend said that ever since I met my partner, I haven't been in touch so much as I was and that she felt used. I reassured her and things were ok for a while but now seem strange again. She gives short answers when I ask if she is ok and seems to be distancing herself once more. I did depend on her a lot (Almost daily texts ) when I was struggling but I also supported her. Since I met my partner, my life has got a lot more full and am meeting a lot of people. But thats not my fault.
When she came to get something from my house the other day, I found a note left behind. It was a letter from her addressed to a relative of an old lady she looks after (works in an old people's home.) She was telling the relative how when she met 'Mary' it helped her massively as she suddenly felt purposeful and recognised as well as talking about how her and Mary had become good friends and she really needed a good friend at that time. I asked her about the note and she said it must have slipped out her bag. Some of the note read like Mary had 'healed' her and been an amazing friend. Am I being super paranoid to think she planted it in my house to make a point?

OP posts:
Petrichor11 · 27/09/2019 08:09

You used her.

If you were a genuine friend you wouldn’t be expecting her to be the one making all the effort now. You’re saying she can talk to you if she needs you etc but showing no desire to actually initiate contact. It reads like you think you’re doing her a favour by deigning to speak to her in the midst of your fabulous new life.

When your relationship ends and you need her again, I hope she’s found better friends than you and stops falling for your crap.

user1493413286 · 27/09/2019 08:13

The note is a bit odd but she’s obviously hurt and I can see why. I’d look at what you can do rather than put it all on her.

Allfednonedead · 27/09/2019 08:13

How strange. I feel like I read a different OP than everyone else.
In my reading, the OP’s friend is a wannabe saviour who is resentful of her erstwhile ‘project’ getting a life and is doing her manipulative best to make sure the OP feels guilty and sees how wonderful her friend is.
Who writes a letter to someone else about a third party and leaves it lying around that third party’s house? I’m the queen of failing to post letters, but they end up in envelopes in my bag, not loose on someone else’s table.
And the letter itself sounds terrifying - a friendship gave her Purpose? That’s an emotional vampire right there.
So, OP, fwiw, that’s how I read it and YANBU, your ‘friend’ left the letter deliberately and you should run away from her.

Thornhill58 · 27/09/2019 08:15

I'm happy now. I'm not needy anymore so I'm going to just enjoy my life until I need emotional support again.
Not nice.

FactorFifty · 27/09/2019 08:25

I completely agree, @Allfednonedead and I don't understand the flaming at all.

Sometimes 'friends' like it when we are low and needing them, it makes them feel superior and needed. These people are not friends.

It's natural for you to be in less contact now you're through your trauma and rebuilding your life; it's not like you've ghosted her, it sounds like she's the one distancing herself. Odd.

Friendships have natural ebbs and flows, times of more contact and less contact. I'd be understanding of a friend in a new relationship, and be happy and supportive, not cold and distant, leaving passive aggressive letters around.

64sNewName · 27/09/2019 08:29

Where does it say the op doesn’t initiate contact? I can’t see that bit Confused

I’m surprised by the responses you’re getting. It’s totally normal for adults with busy lives to have periods where they see less of their friends. That doesn’t mean they’re users.

If someone has been low for a while and has been depending heavily on a friend, clearly that’s hopefully going to be temporary. Why would anyone expect (or want) that level of neediness/contact to continue?

And if your friend feels hurt at not being needed so much, acting out with short answers and ‘dropped’ notes while not accepting reassurance seems like a terrible way of dealing with it.

Like a PP, I’ve encountered friendships where one person really thrives on being needed - it fills a need in them too - and becomes resentful when the person who they’ve been supporting gets into a better and happier place mentally. (I was a third party in this situation, so I’m not particularly coming at it from a biased position.) It was an unhealthy dynamic and because of that, it just wasn’t a sustainable friendship over the long term.

I wouldn’t have thought to call either of those friends a user, but if anything, looking back on it now, I would say it was the “supporting” friend who was almost using the other - depending on her to feel needed and important, and almost wanting her to stay sad and lost in order to maintain that position. Friendships are complicated and need to be flexible.

64sNewName · 27/09/2019 08:31

Oh x-post, glad it’s not just me.

AMAM8916 · 27/09/2019 10:23

Never reduce your contact with friends for a new relationship or you'll end up with no one should it go wrong.

If she had the balls to tell you she feels like you don't bother with her as much, have the balls to sort it out if you care about her and don't hide behind 'life got busy and I've met a lot of new people'. Life gets busy when your kids are doing stuff, a parent is ill etc, getting a boyfriend isn't life being busy, it's prioritising him over good friends

dollydaydream114 · 27/09/2019 10:40

I think you're getting a really, really hard time here, OP.

Friendships ebb and flow - as long as you are there for her, which you've said you are, of course it's normal that sometimes you'll see someone a lot and sometimes you won't. I wouldn't expect a friend to text me every day for their rest of their life just because they once went through a tough time and needed a bit of support. I honestly don't really know anyone who is as intense about friendships as a lot of people posting on this thread seem to be and personally I think that level of intensity and expectation is clingy and unhealthy.

Of course you shouldn't 'dump' friends when you meet a bloke, but equally, there are only so many hours in the day and of course if you are going out with your partner a few nights a week there is simply less time to see friends. Lives change and expand, it's normal. You can keep in touch and be a supportive friend without having to text them every day and spend every waking hour with them.

Anyway, yes, I think your friend probably deliberately planted the letter and I also think she's batshit crazy and needs to grow up. Hope that helps.

Original poster
WhatTheFluck · 27/09/2019 13:02

As I said, I only asked for opinions on whether you all thought she had planted the letter, not on whether I used her. I didn't do so. I still talk to her and ask how she is. The contact eased off a lot from what it was but as someone said, life ebbs and flows and sometimes you need someone more at one time than another. That isn't using someone, its just how life goes.

OP posts:
wtffgs · 27/09/2019 22:10

"I show an interest" Really? That smacks of Hmm

You sound very self-centred. I hope she finds nicer friends.

Aprillygirl · 27/09/2019 23:00

I just want to know why you thought it ok to read a letter addressed to someone else?

Mothership4two · 28/09/2019 02:32

OP said it was a note. She didnt say it was in an envelope. She probably looked at/read it to see what it was

nonevernotever · 28/09/2019 04:29

sometimes you need someone more at one time than another. That isn't using someone, its just how life goes.

This stuck out for me in your update. She's telling you she needs you to demonstrate that you actually are a friend ffs and you are still making it all about you and your needs.

Original poster
WhatTheFluck · 28/09/2019 08:10

Thank you for those who stuck up for me and saw the situation for what it was. I am not a user and can only reiterate what some of the others posters said in defence of that.
My life has changed in a very positive way. I can't believe I have met someone so amazing and formed such wonderful friends and a social life now. I will not feel guilty for not being lonely and sad to make my friend feel good.

To clarify, the note was just written on a piece of paper and was near my bathroom. It wasn't sealed in an envelope or anything like that. Was just on an A4 piece of paper

OP posts:
Inebriati · 28/09/2019 15:07

Yuk, thats a nasty message to leave you. I think you've had a narrow escape.

stayathomer · 28/09/2019 15:16

I hate the term user for people when friendships change. A friend of mine said it about another friend when we were teens because she did see her as much when they went to separate schools . It's not using, it's life. Things change. It's sad but it's not the person being vindictive

Hereistay · 28/09/2019 15:20

Even if your friend is hurt she sounds like she is co-dependent on you and maybe you were both in a rutt.

Imo you've nothing to be sorry for. Maintain the friendship but keep moving on with your life.

SparklyMagpie · 28/09/2019 15:21

I think it says it all that you've made a connection with this letter

I'd rather be without you as a "friend"

Aprillygirl · 28/09/2019 15:53

To clarify, the note was just written on a piece of paper and was near my bathroom. It wasn't sealed in an envelope or anything like that. Was just on an A4 piece of paper

But the note had the intended receivers address on it?

Tippety · 28/09/2019 15:56

It seems she has tried to be honest about how she feels but you have dismissed her, so yes, the letter probably was planted as you didn't listen. It sounds like you needed her when you were feeling crap, and now you're happier you can't be arsed with her. The only person being unreasonable is her for bothering with you now at all.

Mydogmylife · 28/09/2019 16:04

I will not feel guilty for not being lonely and sad to make my friend feel good

Where does your friend say anywhere that she wants you feel bad? Strikes me your friend helped you through a bad time, you're now in a happy place and she reminds you of when things weren't so great so she's being dumped! Poor show

Original poster
WhatTheFluck · 28/09/2019 16:49

The letter had no address on it. It was just written on a piece of a4.
I know I am a good person. If she were a good friend she would feel pleased I had met someone amazing, now have a good social life and am happier than I have ever been. If she called me up now needing a chat I would make time for her. That is not using someone.

I think its been established that the note was planted then. Not just me who thinks so.

OP posts:
NoDontLookAtMeImShy · 28/09/2019 16:52

A 'friend' did this to me after I was there for her.
Her life improved, my kid got really sick. She was no where to be seen.

Bitch.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/09/2019 16:55

You’re a user.