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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find this a bit odd?

119 replies

WhatTheFluck · 26/09/2019 22:39

Don't know if I am being paranoid.
Friend said that ever since I met my partner, I haven't been in touch so much as I was and that she felt used. I reassured her and things were ok for a while but now seem strange again. She gives short answers when I ask if she is ok and seems to be distancing herself once more. I did depend on her a lot (Almost daily texts ) when I was struggling but I also supported her. Since I met my partner, my life has got a lot more full and am meeting a lot of people. But thats not my fault.
When she came to get something from my house the other day, I found a note left behind. It was a letter from her addressed to a relative of an old lady she looks after (works in an old people's home.) She was telling the relative how when she met 'Mary' it helped her massively as she suddenly felt purposeful and recognised as well as talking about how her and Mary had become good friends and she really needed a good friend at that time. I asked her about the note and she said it must have slipped out her bag. Some of the note read like Mary had 'healed' her and been an amazing friend. Am I being super paranoid to think she planted it in my house to make a point?

OP posts:

SaveMeBarry · 26/09/2019 23:29

It's clearly been in vain as rather than you taking the opportunity to reflect on how she feels and whether you could be a better friend, you've instead chosen to take offense

Exactly this. Ffs you've read a note where she says she'd really been in need of a good friend, you even commented that it seemed like 'Mary' had healed her yet you don't appear to have one iota of concern about her.

Your entire focus is ME, ME, ME and you're put out because she may have left that note for you to find. If she did it was in the hope that you'd realise she feels dumped and care enough to make some effort but she was wrong on that score, wasn't she? I think she may yet realise she's better off without you.

Inebriati · 26/09/2019 23:30

Yanbu. Its ridiculous to expect people to maintain the same amount of contact with friends after their life changes - we meet a new partner, we have kids. We have less time for friends.

Leaving the letter sounds like an immature passive aggressive thing to do.

couldntcareless · 26/09/2019 23:31

@WhatTheFluck you could spend some actual time with her?

MissLadyM · 26/09/2019 23:31

You're a hard faced user and yet you still want to be reassured that you're not.

Catsandchardonnay · 26/09/2019 23:50

You’re focusing on the wrong thing. You want us to comment on the note when the glaringly obvious thing about your post is that you’re a user. The note is just a bit part. But no wonder she wrote it, how else is she going to get you to listen to her? You’re sure as hell not listening to us.

nocoolnamesleft · 26/09/2019 23:59

You ghosted her. Not surprised she's hurt.

Jollitwiglet · 27/09/2019 00:02

She obviously doesn't know that you are there for her though does she.

Look at it from her shoes if you a capable. A friend texts you daily looking for support and you provide that support. That friend gets a boyfriend and so the contact suddenly stops because the friend is so busy in her new social circle. When you raise concerns the friend tells you that you are still important, but nothing changes with regards to contact.

You can't tell me you wouldn't feel used? She was there in your time of need and now you're too busy for her, and will not accept any responsibility for how you have made her feel.

Mydogmylife · 27/09/2019 00:08

Think she's well rid of you personally

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 27/09/2019 00:10

I can see both sides here, yes of corse I get your in a better place now than you was and have a new relationship you want to invest time in,
but that doesn't mean someone who was there for you through the hard times should only be there for the hard times you really should make time for this friend and you should want her to be apart of your whole life the good and the bad, not just when you need each other, and count yourself lucky for finding a friend who will be there for you through thick and thin, I had a friend afew years back we was inseparable for years I was always there for her through her bad times and she had a lot of bad times we also had a lot of good times together but I never 'needed' her like she needed me ever I'm type of person who just gets on with it, then my DF passed away and I was heartbroken and at the time she had recently got into a new relationship and was 'too busy' to be of any support to me she showed her face for half an hour and didn't hear off her again for days as she was off with new partner doing things or even just in her house with them down the road I decided I didn't want someone like that in my life and walked away from the friendship which to be honest really hurt to do but deep down I knew I was doing the right thing regardless to say her new relationship lasted afew months and it was all poor me and all on her social media, but I never forgot the damage was done and I couldn't be there for her anymore and I began to realise yes we had some fab memories together but It had always been on her terms when she wanted too etc and I soon realised who my true friends were and who was there for me too please don't take a good friend for granted they are few and far between and you may regret it, I'm not saying you are but from the details you've given it sounds like you have or that she's overly dependent on you depending on how much time you invest in each other all you have said is a few texts and a visit to your house , as for the letter she may of she may not, why is it that important wether it was deliberate or not, either way it should be more what do you intend to do now you know

Ohbuggerlugs · 27/09/2019 00:14

Yeah, you’ll miss her if you and your DP break up and you’ll depend on her again. Except she may not be there.

AutumnRose1 · 27/09/2019 00:29

I think she may have planted the note in a desperate attempt to get you to understand

Which you don't

You are telling her she's important but you've shown you are lying with your behaviour

Hopefully she'll move on to better friends

user1473878824 · 27/09/2019 00:32

Yes, it's obvious the letter was deliberate and she wanted me to see it to prove a point. why are you asking then? You got a boyfriend and basically dumped her. Let’s hope that doesn’t go tits up, hey OP? Because I bet I know the first person you call.

CJsGoldfish · 27/09/2019 00:36

You're not her friend OP.
Hopefully you never need to use her call on her to support you again because she might just not be there.

savingshoes · 27/09/2019 01:02

Find a reason to completely cut her off and out of your new life.
You could even justify a reason for this by asking if everyone agrees she's a bit odd.
Oh wait...?

MidniteScribbler · 27/09/2019 01:07

When the new boyfriend breaks up with you, I hope your new friends are there to support you, because your old one will be long gone by then.

Mothership4two · 27/09/2019 02:50

OP this is just part of growing up. As you move through life (meet dp, maybe marry, maybe have kids) you tend to spend less time with friends. You don't sound as though you have 'dumped' her. And friends usually realise that they will probably see less of each other when other friends start relationships.

It sounds like she did leave the letter for you to find. It was pretty pointed. So maybe spend some time with her and do some fun stuff together. She was a good friend to you, who you relied upon at a difficult time in your life, be a good friend to her.

I have come across friends who are great in a crisis but difficult when things pan out. Not saying friend is like this, but maybe. It also works the other way too, I've had great friends when things are good who disappear when life goes pear-shaped.

Lofari · 27/09/2019 02:58

Shes hurt. Cant you see that?
Having been on the other side of this I totally get her pain.
My best friend dropped me twice when she got a new man, after me being there for her when nobody else was. Even helped her out when her baby had an op.
I learned my lesson and wouldn't be there for her now. Hopefully your friend is wising up too.

ChasingRainbows19 · 27/09/2019 06:55

You went from daily texts to nothing or very little by the sounds of it, you may be there for her but can't you see that that's a big change? You got what you wanted from her and when your life improved stopped contact. That's how it looks to her and others reading these replies you received:

You may well be there for her but since you got better do you contact her at all? Do you arrange to see her? I'd be hurt too if my friends did that. She obviously felt useful and needed like she was being a good friend and support to you. Now she feels used and rejected. It sounds like her life isn't perfect either and helping you or your 'friendship' gave her a purpose for a while but you aren't really bothered how she feels because your life is rosy now?

Men can come and go but friends can be a constant. There is no reason you can't have both. I've never been a daily texter but I regularly keep in contact with my close friends and we arrange to see each other so we know we are there for each other. I would never lose that bond.

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2019 07:07

This doesn't come across well op. Not even slightly. It does seem you used your friend when you needed her and had no one else, then when you didn't, you all but dropped her. Playing lip service to being her friend.

It's not very nice. Who cares about rhe note. Good friends are few and far between. I mean proper good friends, ones who are there for you. Dropping one for a man always back fires.

Snog · 27/09/2019 07:22

Your actions have been hurtful to your friend and it's odd that after all theses comments you haven't realised this or seen where you have gone wrong.

I think your friend deserves better.

FirstTimeMummyDS88 · 27/09/2019 07:34

Maybe it's not about telling her that your there for her, maybe show her, like she did for you when you were texting her daily when your lie was hard

Call her and invite her to Lunch/Dinner/Coffee. Make an effort to spend time with her. Yes it's great that you've become friends with your DP's friends but don't forgot your friends who were there for you when you needed them, can't you invite her out with the group?

SwanneeKazoo · 27/09/2019 07:55

I am always here for her. All she has to do is let me know

This stood out for me. You are making no effort at all to maintain the friendship, instead leaving it up to her to contact you, which she is probably reluctant to do as she will see how 'busy' you are with your new friends. Did you not do things together before you met your boyfriend? If you still want to be friends with her, you need to make the effort to arrange something with her one on one and, as a pp said, sometimes with your new friends.

If you want friends, you have to be a friend. You are not being a friend to this woman at the moment.

painauchocolat84 · 27/09/2019 08:00

Actions speak louder than words and your actions are clearly not enough. It sounds like you used her when you were having a hard time and ditched her when things got better for you. A good friend doesn’t ditch their friends when their life improves, they share their new life with their friend. If you’re meeting new people great - invite her along too. If you’re feeling more stable great - you can do fun stuff with her instead of just moaning about your problems to her. You don’t ditch your friend who was there for you at a bad time in your life just because that bad time is over. YABVU.

22Giraffes · 27/09/2019 08:01

Your poor friend. She is clearly hurt and you don't even want to acknowledge it. You relied heavily on her but now you don't need her she's doesn't feature in your priorities. It's bullshit to say all she has to do is ask, real friends pick up on how each other are feeling. She's better off without you.

painauchocolat84 · 27/09/2019 08:03

I hope for your sake that this new boyfriend is ‘the one’ and doesn’t leave you/hurt you/screw you over in some way. Because if I was your friend I wouldn’t be there for you a second time unless your behaviour changes.

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