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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this a bit odd?

119 replies

WhatTheFluck · 26/09/2019 22:39

Don't know if I am being paranoid.
Friend said that ever since I met my partner, I haven't been in touch so much as I was and that she felt used. I reassured her and things were ok for a while but now seem strange again. She gives short answers when I ask if she is ok and seems to be distancing herself once more. I did depend on her a lot (Almost daily texts ) when I was struggling but I also supported her. Since I met my partner, my life has got a lot more full and am meeting a lot of people. But thats not my fault.
When she came to get something from my house the other day, I found a note left behind. It was a letter from her addressed to a relative of an old lady she looks after (works in an old people's home.) She was telling the relative how when she met 'Mary' it helped her massively as she suddenly felt purposeful and recognised as well as talking about how her and Mary had become good friends and she really needed a good friend at that time. I asked her about the note and she said it must have slipped out her bag. Some of the note read like Mary had 'healed' her and been an amazing friend. Am I being super paranoid to think she planted it in my house to make a point?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatTheFluck · 29/09/2019 08:50

I can only emphasise that it wasn't my aibu to ask what people thought of me, only to ask if they also felt the note was planted. I again can only reiterate what others have said in this thread in my defence. I am not a user, far from it.

OP posts:
starduster · 29/09/2019 09:05

But OP, do you genuinely want to stay friends or are you happy for things to whittle away? That's what matters. If you still value her and love her as a friend, you would find a way to tell her or show her that.
If you don't, that's fine too. You don't have to stay friends if you don't want to, but don't keep her hanging in a fake friendship.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 29/09/2019 09:08

The answer as to whether the letter was ‘planted’ is very straightforward and simple. Yes it most definitely was. That is the easy bit. You hardly need even to ask really.

The bigger issue is why your friend feels the need to go about alerting you to her feelings in this way. And your response. That is why people have responded as they have. These are the more complex issues. The ones you should have been grappling with.

Whilst you are absolutely right that relationships change over time. This is not what has happened here. You had intense, daily, contact with a supportive friend and that contact significantly reduced once you met your boyfriend. It was not an organic change, over time.

Almost no-one considers themselves a ‘user’. Many people are though; to some extent at least. Or certainly selfish and self centred. It’s quite normal to be inclined towards selfishness. Self awareness helps us strive against this.

You probably have many good characteristics. And whilst it may be true that your friend still matters to you, she is certainly less important to you now than she was. And she knows it and is hurt. It is your lack of awareness of this , rather than you rebuilding your life that is the wrong here.

ShirleyPhallus · 29/09/2019 09:10

I have a “friend” like you and the you has now utterly pissed me off

When she was going through a divorce and subsequent issues, I was there for her texting her back every day. In subsequent boyfriends she had all sorts of drama, and again, I was there.

I’m now pregnant and she’s in a happy relationship and she’s nowhere to be found. The scan was over a month ago and she hasn’t asked how it’s gone, just text to ask how to deal with some additional boyfriend drama she has.

You’re a terrible friend and I can’t believe you’re not even listening to the posters on here and what they are saying.

Original poster
WhatTheFluck · 29/09/2019 09:13

But what am I meant to do with that? As someone on here said, she can't expect me to be sad forever and text her daily.
It's not a lack of awareness, just that I am in a much better place now and she should be happy and supportive of that if she were a real friend. I do still talk to her and want to be friends but I also can't apologise for rebuilding my life and now being extremely happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatTheFluck · 29/09/2019 09:15

Shirley, the difference is, your friend ghosted you. I have not done that. Cut down contact, yes. But not cut her out. It's not the same.

OP posts:
lololove · 29/09/2019 09:25

My friend is similar to you as she's now getting married. She went from being our funny sarky friend to every single conversation being about her wedding, her honeymoon or the house they've just bought and are doing bits to. I don't just mean the odd conversation here or there, I mean EVERYTHING she ever talks about is one of those. It's really harming our friendship. It's not just me either, there are several people who she is doing it to. We are all happy got her.... But we would like to hear about other things like before.

JonSlow · 29/09/2019 09:41

Fuck me with a hammer! Are you really this thick to not see the point everyone is making?

Original poster
WhatTheFluck · 29/09/2019 09:48

Not everyone is making the same comment though.
Clearly she felt she couldn't talk to me again face to face but it is a weird thing to do at best.
I never discuss my partner with her either so our conversations are not all based around him.
I get she feels used and less important but I cannot apologise for making a life which makes me extremely happy.

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 29/09/2019 09:56

Clearly your reading skills are good as your friendship skills

My friend hasn’t ghosted me. She just isn’t interested in asking about how I am but only interested in talking about herself.

Original poster
WhatTheFluck · 29/09/2019 09:59

Well I do ask how my friend is so please tell me how that is ghosting or using someone.

OP posts:
Nomintrude · 29/09/2019 10:02

Hang on, where does it say the OP no longer keeps in contact with her friend or initiates anything? Am I missing something? Confused
OP how often do you contact your friend now, compared to the daily texts when you were struggling? Do you ever initiate contact or meeting up or does she always have to? If so, I can completely understand why she's upset. It really depends on how stark the difference is between how much time you spent together and texted before, vs now.

billy1966 · 29/09/2019 10:07

Definitely friendships can ebb and flow a little.

But you say she gave you daily support, when you were in a bad place, and now you will "find time for her if she needs it".

It reads to me as if she's gone from being a very, very close supportive friend to you, to someone you will keep up casually.

You have an amazing boyfriend and new social life, and she can't be a part of it apparently? You can't include her in nights out.

Whenever I had boyfriends and friends didn't, we always included each other socially in our weekend plans.
It's called looking out for each other. We never left any "soldier" behind!

Your absolute refusal to take on board even the slightest possibility that your friend feels dropped and let down, is telling.

Nice people don't do that to friends.

Instead of being so defensive, how about taking time to think about where your friend, who supported you, is at.

She can feel both happy for you but hurt to be so comprehensively sidelined.

She supported you when you were in an awful place. She sounds hurt and a bit low now.....where are you?

theendoftheendoftheend · 29/09/2019 10:12

I had a very close supportive friend during a difficult time in my life, they were also having a difficult time and we wallowed in it together. It got to the point though were I didn't want to wallow, I wanted to make my life better. They didn't.
10 years later I am in a much happier place, they are still wallowing. I don't feel bad for moving on.
Don't stay in a friendship that is dependant on you both being miserable together.

purpleme12 · 29/09/2019 10:16

But this isn't about you being available to her when she's down and she needs support as you keep saying. As far as I can see she just wants you there full stop just to be a normal friend. All you seem to be focusing on is you're still asking her how she is and still see her. So that should be enough according to you

userxx · 29/09/2019 10:20

Who would you turn to if you and your boyfriend broke up? Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Me and my friends always speak to each other daily and that's with husbands and boyfriends on the scene.

Jinxed2 · 29/09/2019 10:24

She’s better off without you!

Whattodoabout · 29/09/2019 10:28

I had a friend like this once too. She went through a nasty break up and suddenly I became her best friend until she found a new boyfriend, then she suddenly stopped contacting me so much. I felt used and I didn’t bother speaking to her again. She has tried to initiate conversation a couple of times since but I just don’t bother with her. I believe the term is ‘fairweather friend’ and you have been one to this woman.

ittooshallpass · 29/09/2019 10:41

Regardless of whether your friend planted the letter and meant you to find it or not, you’ve read it and you know how she’s feeling.

So rather than querying whether it was odd, maybe look at this as a kick up the backside to either get back in touch with your friend properly or admit to yourself that you really haven’t been a great friend and leave her be for good - even when you next need support.

But just remember that good friends are worth their weight in gold.

Nomintrude · 29/09/2019 12:17

But how much have you cut down contact? That makes a big difference to me in terms of whether you've been a crap/Fairweather type friend or not. You did specifically say you used to text every day. How much do you text now, on average, for comparison?

CalamityJune · 29/09/2019 12:27

I think youre getting a bit of a hard time, depending on how much the contact has changed.

I've been through times in my life where friends and I have been single at the same time and spending lots of time together. When people find relationships, they do need to invest in them too. You simply cannot be available at the drop of a hat in the same way. That's not to say that you can't still make time for them reguarly and put effort into the friendship, but the dynamic does change.

Mumsnet would certainly take a dim view of a man who was wanting to have the same social life he enjoyed when he was single, now that he has a serious partner.

Original poster
WhatTheFluck · 29/09/2019 12:30

Well it was most days but it wasn't all about me.
I don't think saying I am there to talk to, still asking after her and being there if she needed me is using anyone. I don't text as much now but that doesn't mean I don't want to bother with her.
My life is brilliant now and she should be pleased for me. Planting passive aggressive letters is immature and odd. Maybe it is better just to let it all go. I didn't do anything wrong. If I had ghosted her I would agree I had but this isn't the case here.

OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 29/09/2019 12:31

God, are you kidding? Of course yabu. That poor woman is better off without you. Don’t expect her to be there if things go wrong again for you.

purpleme12 · 29/09/2019 12:53

Reading all your posts on here it's all about you. You don't seem to care how she's feeling

Fweakout · 29/09/2019 12:58

It's not about her being jealous of your life. Ok you're happy now. Good for you. Now is the time to show your friends how you can be a good happy friend. Making time for fun stuff. Sending funny texts not sad ones.

All the things you have written about friendship read as though you think a friend is a therapist - for when you are sad and need help. So sure you're prepared to be there for her if she says she is sad, but she'd need to flag that up.

Can you with your hand on your heart say that you have been thinking of her and sharing the good stuff, op?