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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want DD to get suspended over a nose piercing?

326 replies

Helpmeplease123456 · 26/09/2019 19:08

She is year 11. She got her septum pierced at the beginning of this month (when she turned 16, she asked me previously and I said no. She said fine, I'll go when I'm 16 and don't need consent and she went with a friend a couple of days after her birthday. She has now had it a couple of weeks.

Her school have a ban on facial piercings, only one lobe piercing for each ear is allowed. She did know this and I did too, hence why I said I wasn't giving permission. Obviously I respect she doesn't need it now.

Her school (of course) noticed this the first day she showed up with it and are demanding she takes it out. I have had multiple phone calls about this, during which I've said short of physically yanking it out, there's nothing I can do. She's refusing to twist it up into her nose (which effectively hides it) and is complaining that the school aren't respecting her personal expression. On Monday the school basically said take it out or we'll put you into isolation until it comes out. She refused and has spent 4 days in isolation. (They let her out at lunchtime so she still sees her friends- she doesn't really see the isolation as a punishment i don't think. She likes the quiet time to do the learning without distraction.

I got a call today saying they're thinking of a fixed term suspension if it doesn't come out. Again, they seemed to be implying that I can make her take it out. I really don't want her to be suspended over a nose ring in such an important year but do I just have to accept there's nothing I can do?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 27/09/2019 00:15

CheeryB
Nobody needs one.
They are not to everyone's taste.
Lots of people have them, and the coloured hair, etc.
None of it unique - that doesn't mean it's not a case of self expression.

All of it is completely harmless.

museumsandgalleries666 · 27/09/2019 00:44

Find another school for her, one that doesn't waste everyone's time on this trivia worrying about what kids look like, or home school her.

Personally I don't understand why anyone would get a nose piercing and look like they have blobs of snot hanging out their nose, but each to their own.

squeekums · 27/09/2019 01:52

Nose rings, purple hair, etc, are purely cosmetic. They don't change who this student is as a person or a contributing member of her year. They don't hurt anyone.
A school that engages with something that is actually harmless and not a danger to anyone by threatening the ultimate sanction is a school not worth going to, imo. They clearly don't value education as much as they value their own image.
And if she has to go to them with evidence as to why it is an unnecessary rule, what impact facial piercings have on education and any of that is news to them, then they shouldn't be running a school in the first place. What sort of people risk a student's education for dubious reasons that they have not fully examined?

Exactly
I agree with everything

I dont bend to BS rules on my looks. I wont expect DD to either

JollyRocker · 27/09/2019 02:02

Change the WiFi password and tell her that only those who respect home and school rules can have it. See how long she lasts without the internet.

QueenofPain · 27/09/2019 02:32

She just needs a horseshoe ring for it so she can tuck it up her nose when she’s in school. Problem solved.

Jocasta2018 · 27/09/2019 04:42

I've got lots of tattoos & piercings. At certain extremely high paid jobs, the piercings came out & you can't see my tattoos unless I'm naked....
I've never been forced to wear heels or skirts - wear trousers plus brogues - but I look smart.
Self expression is fine but most of the time, it doesn't pay the rent. I know who I am, I don't need to show it all the time. Helps the demarcation between work me & life me.
Let her take the consequences. She's being silly if it's as easy as flipping the piercing up so it's not visible.
Is she being egged on by friends?

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/09/2019 06:48

mathanxiety
The school has decided to set back a student's progress for the sake of a rule that has no merit. Therefore it is the school that is setting back her progress.

So your logic is to ignore that the girl has gone against known rules and refuses any compromise, so the school must be wrong?

SleepyKat · 27/09/2019 06:54

Yep, as other have said horseshoe ring and flip up when at school. I know nhs workers who do this and their employer/patients have never noticed.

Naem · 27/09/2019 06:54

I agree with those posters who say that witholding privileges at 16 is not going to work, and that the way you need to tackle this is by having adult conversations with her.

The way I would start the conversation (or say that someone on Mumsnet has pointed out) is that this is actually conflict between her "personal expression" and the school's "personal expression". Organisations like schools and workplaces have "personal expression" too, and they demonstrate them by making rules. That is what differentiates the feel of school A where a straw hat and blazer is required from school B where torn jeans, purple hair and whatever else is fashionable at the time is what goes.

One may have strong views about various forms of this personal expression - from this is a ridiculous rule, to this is how we create a sense of community, just as individuals on this board have very different and strong views on piecings in general and nose piecings in particular.
But being part of an organisation involves sometimes having to give up one's personal expression, and conform to the personal expression of the organisation and if an individual won't, they will inevitably be thrown out of that organisation. That this is true of employers as well as schools, clubs, you name it. Suspension followed by exclusion from the organisation is therefore the logical and expected consequence of this kind of battle.
Sometimes the individual may, on moral grounds, need to fight the organisation where the rules are dangerous, or wrong - think for example of whistleblowers going against gagging rules to cover up wrongdoing. These people may be praiseworthy, but the fight takes an enormous personal toll. Sometimes we all agree (in retrospect), that the fight was morally correct. Think Nelson Mandela - but the consequence to him was that he was suspended from the society and locked up in prison for many years. The self expression of the country of South Africa, was, it now universally agreed, abhorent, and Nelson Mandela ended up president, so you can have a good outcome, but there were lots of other people involved in the fight for whom the outcome was not so good.
She as an almost adult, and one who has made a decision to get a nose piercing, needs to decide how abhorent to her an organisation that bans visible nose piecings while attending it is. If it is a tolerable rule, then she needs to flip up the nose piecing in order to conform, in order to get the other benefits of membership of this organisation, in this case, easy access to education (something that many women in many countries, even today, do not have). Alternatively, she needs during her suspension to research all available schools near where you live, to see if there is another one that she could apply for, and who would take her, with nose ring intact. E-schooling today is also a possibility,. She would need to look at the fact that such schools may well offer different GCSE boards, so the catching up at this point in her education might be difficult (or she might have to take a year out, and do her GCSEs a year after she intended).

You might also point out that as the organisation of "her family" you should have a say in that, as if she takes a year longer to do her GCSEs, you are likely to be funding her for a year longer than you anticipated, and it would not be unreasonable for you to ask her to get a job to pay rent to you for that extra year (at 16 she ought to be able to access a part time job as well, but again, employers offering jobs are organisations that have their own forms of personal expression, and that might include not allowing employees to have visible nose piecings). In which case, part of the research during her suspension probably ought to be into the availabiltiy of jobs in her local area.
So in terms of your original AIBU, yes are being unreasonable "To not want DD to get a suspension" - or, one can want unreasonable things, we do all the time, but you are being unreasonable to expect or hope school will not suspend. And if this is so important to your DD that she needs to carry it through, she will need to be talked through the consequences and the personal cost it will entail - and the only person who is in a position to do that properly is you.

SleepyKat · 27/09/2019 06:56

Oh just seen she refuses to flip it up. Well that’s really silly of her. Nothing you can do about it though. I think you need to support the school in what they choose to do. Maybe a suspension might make her reconsider? Have you told her that a suspension will go on any school reference?

Elodie2019 · 27/09/2019 07:05

Your DD needs a reality check and grow up a bit.
She can flip it up and hide it fgs yet is refusing to even do that.
Plenty of places of work have dress codes & don't allow facial piercings - not just schools.
She's wasting everyone's time.

Elodie2019 · 27/09/2019 07:07

I would definitely support the suspension btw.
Leave her to it and turn the WiFi off on your way out. So she doesn't see it as a nice day off.

Girasole02 · 27/09/2019 07:09

Turn off wifi. She can use her social time at school to use the internet in the library.

Toomboom · 27/09/2019 07:20

Tell her that if she thinks she is adult enough to get this done, then she has to be adult enough to suffer the consequences. She obviously knew the school rules about this.
She also needs to realise that there are jobs that she will have to remove any piercings, she won't be able to throw a strop then. I work in catering, and you are not allowed any facial piercings on show, they have to be removed before starting work.

Pinkyyy · 27/09/2019 07:21

I can't believe so many people are saying the school should just let her wear it. Would you suggest that all rules should be optional? Rules are set and have to be followed, it's how school works.

Helpmeplease123456 · 27/09/2019 07:21

I spoke to DD again last night, she seems to think the school won't suspend her. The school have actually been quite good about it to be fair, they said to me on the phone yesterday, if she comes to school tomorrow without it, she goes back to normal lessons and they say no more about it. If she goes in today with it in, I'll get a phone call to pick her up. I'm really hoping she at least flips it up, I don't want to miss work over DD's nose piercing.

Her arguments are:
-I have a nostril piercing so I'm a massive hypocrite (I take mine out for work!!)

-Other people in her year have septum piercings (well yes but they flip them up and don't make a big show of it, on the rare occasion they wear them down, they get detention)

-She thinks if she gets suspended she's going to go to the papers and be on the news and the school won't like the bad publicity and will allow her back

Oh and also she lost her smartphone in late August as I found out she was involved in cyberbullying. As in going along with people being mean to a poor girl in her class. I didn't set a time limit for the phone return, just that I felt she deserved it back, which after the piercing and refusal to hide it , I don't feel she does. Unfortunately it means I have no leverage.

I am going to look up homeschooling and online schools just in case this escalates, she has always been v stubborn so this isn't a new thing imo.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 27/09/2019 07:25

The problem is here it’s gone into battle mode. The time for compromise has been and gone (flipping it up) and both sides are entrenched.

The school now aren’t going back down without compromise - why should they the consequences of back down and showing the rules can be broken with no consequences

Your daughter needs to decide if this is a battle she wants to fight and here Naem sets it out perfectly

C0untDucku1a · 27/09/2019 07:26

Why are you allowing her to rule over you?

Did you monitor lAptop use ladt night at least?

Quartz2208 · 27/09/2019 07:27

Actually have just read your update she needs this suspension actually you should be supportive of the school. This looks to be a life lesson she needs

Pinkyyy · 27/09/2019 07:29

'm really hoping she at least flips it up, I don't want to miss work over DD's nose piercing.

Then put your bloody foot down FFS.

And as for her 'going to the news', that's absolutely ridiculous and you need to give her head a serious wobble. She thinks she's above the rules and she isn't.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 27/09/2019 07:32

But what can OP do?!
She has no leverage.
Short of ripping it out of her body what's the best plan?

sorrythisusernameisinuse · 27/09/2019 07:36

She sounds so entitled and not a nice person at all.

LyraParry · 27/09/2019 07:39

mathanxiety, schools simply could not function if students could pick and choose which rules to follow. So regardless of whether one student (or parent, or teacher) thinks it is a stupid rule she simply must follow it or not attend school. The school is not being unreasonable for enforcing a totally normal (in the uk) rule.

I'd be in favour of getting rid of uniforms altogether. But I'm in a minority so have to accept the rules, or not work in a school. The OPs DD has less than a year in school before she can move to a non-uniform 6th form. This is a daft hill to die on.

Pinkyyy · 27/09/2019 07:41

Of course she has leverage, a phone isn't the only thing that can be used. How about Christmas presents? Leavers prom?

FairyBatman · 27/09/2019 07:43

No piercings isn’t really that daft of a rule when you think about the activities that take place in school, PE and tech both bring the risk of entrapment or the piercing being ripped out. Science and cooking classes bring their own risk, and then you’ve got the general rough and tumble of school and the risk of what 14 year old boys think is funny.

If school allowed piercings they would potentially be liable if something happened because of them.