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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD to get suspended over a nose piercing?

326 replies

Helpmeplease123456 · 26/09/2019 19:08

She is year 11. She got her septum pierced at the beginning of this month (when she turned 16, she asked me previously and I said no. She said fine, I'll go when I'm 16 and don't need consent and she went with a friend a couple of days after her birthday. She has now had it a couple of weeks.

Her school have a ban on facial piercings, only one lobe piercing for each ear is allowed. She did know this and I did too, hence why I said I wasn't giving permission. Obviously I respect she doesn't need it now.

Her school (of course) noticed this the first day she showed up with it and are demanding she takes it out. I have had multiple phone calls about this, during which I've said short of physically yanking it out, there's nothing I can do. She's refusing to twist it up into her nose (which effectively hides it) and is complaining that the school aren't respecting her personal expression. On Monday the school basically said take it out or we'll put you into isolation until it comes out. She refused and has spent 4 days in isolation. (They let her out at lunchtime so she still sees her friends- she doesn't really see the isolation as a punishment i don't think. She likes the quiet time to do the learning without distraction.

I got a call today saying they're thinking of a fixed term suspension if it doesn't come out. Again, they seemed to be implying that I can make her take it out. I really don't want her to be suspended over a nose ring in such an important year but do I just have to accept there's nothing I can do?

OP posts:
2pointfourmonkeys · 26/09/2019 21:14

Sadly I think you have to let her learn this lesson and be suspended.
Whilst she, and many posters here, may disagree with the rule, the fact is that many employers will have a similar rule and school are providing her with an understanding of this.
I work for the NHS in a clinical role. No jewellery except a plain wedding band. No earrings except for a single stud. No other visible piercings. Short nails. No varnish/gel. Hair tied back. Natural hair colour.
I accept this because they are things that come with the job. And I don't wear my wedding rings or earrings on work days.

OhTheRoses · 26/09/2019 21:29

The rules. Pierced lobes only.

The choice- go to a different school if you don't like it.

YABU.

She knew the rules.

zxcvhjkl · 26/09/2019 21:29

Tell her this.....

Life has rules. We don't always agree with the rules but we work with the rules. Rules are there for a reason even if it is not obvious why they exist. It may be silly/pathetic/stifling your freedom of expression or any of the other views expressed but as decent citizens we abide by the rules or accept the consequences. It is your choice but it would be such ashame to see you suspended from a school for something so trivial when you have been working so hard. This will impact your GCSEs and therefore possibly also your future. I trust you to make the right decision but if you are suspended, revision will be for two hours a day in the living room where I can see you. There will be no WiFi access other than these times and no use of your phone. You will be grounded and will expect you to make yourself useful around the house during the hours you would be at school. If school do not have you back you will need to find a job and start paying your own way.
As I say, your choice. But I know what the most sensible option is and what I hope you will do. Don't waste a good future on something so trivial. You are better than that. It might be unfair but welcome to the real world. I hear XYZ place are recruiting, let me know if you are going to end up leaving school. We can get an application form and I will help you fill it in.

CheeryB · 26/09/2019 21:30

The school presumably wants the students looking like demure young ladies to give the impression that it's not a school for common-as-much types

Are nose rings for people who are common as muck then?

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 26/09/2019 21:39

She's revising in September????

Revision can't be from hometime till bedtime anyway, so turn the WiFi off after a certain time.

Craftycorvid · 26/09/2019 21:41

I’m without teenagers so probably unqualified to comment. I will say I have neither patience nor sympathy with ‘school uniform rules’. Someone with the desire to look a certain way will either have to make an adult decision to modify that look if they want to work in particular roles or find a role where their look is acceptable. Therefore punishing someone at school is hardly likely to ‘teach’ them much other than the meaning of pettiness. Perhaps a practical solution is a clear stud or ring to keep the piercing open? May be acceptable to school? Otherwise your daughter is old enough to make a decision that might have consequences for her education, which will then force her to conform reluctantly in order to be at school, or rebel completely and leave.

theoldtrout01876 · 26/09/2019 21:41

Use one of those horseshoe shaped rings and flip it up. My Ds2 did that all through high school and no one ever noticed

Poltergeister · 26/09/2019 21:45

She's being ridiculous. They're not even really asking her to take it out - just flip it up so it cant be seen. She can flip it down as soon as she's out the door walking home.
I'm a teacher with a septum piercing and just tuck it up when I'm at work.

Goatinthegarden · 26/09/2019 21:56

I had a few things pierced at high school. I removed them all for my first grad job in a law firm at 21. Money and the need for a job is a great motivator.

Fast forward to my mid 30s. I’m now a teacher (Primary) with a nose ring. I dress smartly every day. I’m respected by parents for the effort I put into my job. We have a suggested uniform in my school, we don’t enforce it. The pupils usually all come in dressed in appropriate unmarked attire in the right colours and comfortable footwear. I don’t care if they wear Asda or the official school jumper. I don’t care if they wear a T-shirt or a shirt and tie. If they are fiddling with jewellery, it goes away, otherwise they can wear it. It comes off for gym or other active activities. I have a selection of gym kits, wellies and coats for children who come without. Uniform causes no issues for anyone.

I don’t see the point in such rigid rules. Teens like to rebel, it’s part of their development. Your daughter sounds studious and like she cares about her education. Leave her be, she’s 16 and has made a legal decision about her own body. As PP have said, it’s her hill to die on. My guess is she’ll push it right to the eleventh hour and then comply.

eurochick · 26/09/2019 22:05

Talk it through with her. Where does this end up? Realistically the school is not going to budge on its rules. So it's isolation, then suspension, then presumably exclusion. Is this her GCSE year? If so, she's looking at moving away from her friends, and messing up her education in an exam year. What does she want to do at 18? University? She's jeopardising that. All for the sake of removing the piercing or at least hiding it for now. At 18 if she goes to university, personal expression is positively encouraged. She can go for it then.

Yabbers · 26/09/2019 22:09

Dare I ask, what's her dad's take on it?

Because we must know what the mans think? [Hmm]

Yabbers · 26/09/2019 22:11

Following all the rules 'just because' isn't a virtue

Breaking the rules ‘just because’ isn’t a virtue either.

If she was smart she would challenge the rules by working to effect change. Just breaking them gets nowhere and is pointless.

Jellybeansincognito · 26/09/2019 22:25

How did she get the money to fund it?

If she wants to disrespect you in your home, she can go get a part time job now she’s 16 to pay board.

  • plenty of ways to make her see some sense.
tabbycat985 · 26/09/2019 22:27

Sorry if you've already answered this OP but can't she just wear a half hoop & flip it up inside her nose? I've had mine pierced for 10 years & only flip it down when I feel like it & you'd never know it was there. Take her back to the piercer & have them show her if she can't do it herself

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/09/2019 22:27

Yabbers

Because we must know what the mans think? [Hmm]

Or maybe because the dad is supporting the dd and undermining the OP.

OtraCosaMariposa · 26/09/2019 22:28

is complaining that the school aren't respecting her personal expression

Oh god. Nothing worse than a teen with a point to prove.

She knew the rules. She chose to break the rules. She lives with the consequences of that decision.

BringTheBounceBack · 26/09/2019 22:31

OP has stated her DD won’t Flip up the piercing , she’s refused

And I think that’s been a fair compromise by the school so I can’t get my head around why she won’t do such a simple ask

Raven11 · 26/09/2019 22:59

What's her plan if she gets suspended? Does she want to study from home? Does she have the motivation to self teach? Why does she hate school so much?

MidniteScribbler · 26/09/2019 23:18

She's choosing to break the rules and must have the consequences. It's sad. I think the school should back down, it's just a waste of time when teachers now have tattoos etc, which are in full view.

No school that I have ever worked at has allowed facial piercings or visible tattoos. Even the one I work at now, which is an incredibly laid back island, only allows tattoos for members of specific cultural group.

mathanxiety · 26/09/2019 23:39

Aprillygirl
The school has decided to set back a student's progress for the sake of a rule that has no merit. Therefore it is the school that is setting back her progress. They have threatened to interrupt a student's education because of a nose ring. Just because it's a simple rule doesn't make it a rule that must be followed.

Yabbers There is no virtue in raising a sheep, or teaching students that sheep-like behaviour is necessary or desirable. Conformity isn't the be all and end all, and creating an environment where non-conforming behaviour is punished fosters bullying culture.

You don't create an environment where students are encouraged to work quietly for change by taking a public sledgehammer approach when one of them steps out of line.

Creating an environment where a girl in particular is punished for an element of her appearance is sending a toxic message.

Are nose rings for people who are common as muck then?
It's the opinion of the school that nose rings are a hanging offence, not mine, CheeryB. The only reason they could object to a nose ring is that it gives some sort of a 'wrong impression' about the school. As noted, she could have nipples and belly button pierced and nobody would be going on about health and safety.

MidniteScribbler · 26/09/2019 23:55

No, the student has chosen to disrupt her education for a completely unnecessary cosmetic procedure that could have waited until she graduated. No one "needs" a nose ring, or purple hair, or tattoos. She's 16, and it would make no difference to her life whatsoever to have waited two years to stick a ring in her nose. The rule was in place before she chose to have this procedure done. If she'd already had the nose ring, and a new principal came in and changed the rule to ban them, then she may have an argument, but she deliberately broke a rule and is now sooking because 'personal expression, innit?". She takes the nose ring out, or deals with the consequences.

If she thinks the rule is ridiculous, then she still takes the nose ring out, and gathers evidence as to why it is an unnecessary rule, what impact facial piercings have on education, and goes to the leadership with a rationed and evidenced based argument on why the rule should change. There is no way now that the school is going to back down because one 16 year old little princess could wait two years before getting a piercing.

MoonbeamsandPolkaDots · 27/09/2019 00:03

I thought it was only bulls who had rings through their noses! Is this not so??

CheeryB · 27/09/2019 00:04

It's the opinion of the school that nose rings are a hanging offence, not mine, CheeryB

I think they look bloody awful as well tbh.

CheeryB · 27/09/2019 00:08

No one "needs" a nose ring, or purple hair, or tattoos

I don't understand how it's a way of 'expressing yourself' when there are millions of identical nose rings out there, and pastel hair is bobbing up and down the high street every day of the week. Hardly unique.

mathanxiety · 27/09/2019 00:12

Nose rings, purple hair, etc, are purely cosmetic. They don't change who this student is as a person or a contributing member of her year. They don't hurt anyone.

A school that engages with something that is actually harmless and not a danger to anyone by threatening the ultimate sanction is a school not worth going to, imo. They clearly don't value education as much as they value their own image.

And if she has to go to them with evidence as to why it is an unnecessary rule, what impact facial piercings have on education and any of that is news to them, then they shouldn't be running a school in the first place. What sort of people risk a student's education for dubious reasons that they have not fully examined?