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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Private Dentist for Husband, NHS for the rest of us?

150 replies

applesauce1 · 26/09/2019 13:36

My husband wants to pay for private dental care for himself, while my baby son and I go to an NHS dentist.

Backstory: my MIL paid for my husband to have private dental care until he was 30. She claims that his teeth are so good because of his private treatment. I argue that to reap the benefit of private dental care, you actually have to go more regularly than once every four years, and that the perfect state of his teeth is therefore likely just good luck. (It really irked me that he allowed his mother to pay monthly for a service that he never used but that is another story).

Now that she is no longer paying, he wants for this to now come out of our family finances. I have just gone part time, and now have the increased costs of having a child. We can not afford for the whole family to have private dental care.

He thinks he should be able to continue with his childhood dentist while my son and I 'slum it' at an NHS dentist (I personally love my dentist and feel that I have great dental care under the NHS).

All of our money is shared. I contribute to 1/3 of our household finances through my job, provide most of the child care for our son and do freelance work to further benefit our family's financial position, if that makes a difference.

AIBU? Should he continue with his childhood dentist when he probably will rarely go (I have to book hair appointments etc for him)? He thinks I'm being bey unreasonable.

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 26/09/2019 17:39

What DPotter says! Smart move.

On past form, it'll be 4 years till he even notices, and you can say, vaguely, "Oh, did you expect ME to set that up for you? Really? Why?"

Meantime, you can have £960 put away against whatever he needs doing, or for any joint purpose!

applesauce1 · 26/09/2019 17:42

@NoSquirrels (b)I think the difference is that the OP doesn't WANT steak (or a private dentist) she wants meatloaf (i.e. her original NHS dentist).

What she's asking is for her DP to want meatloaf too, and give up having any steak(b)

Yes. I am happy with meatloaf.
I'm really unhappy with my husband buying steak every month and then throwing it straight in the bin uneaten. If he were eating the bloody steak, I wouldn't mind so much.

But besides that, I'd love steak, if we could afford it. It would be lovely for us to all have steak, but we can't afford it, so I'm happy with the meatloaf.

That analogy has made me so hungry.

OP posts:
CheeryB · 26/09/2019 17:43

I don’t see why is there a problem that his mother covered the bill for so long, they might have had some sort of family plan so it would have made sense and in the great scheme of things the regular payment didn’t matter maybe

Yes, I cover my daughter who has long left home, because it's a family plan and to change it would mean a significant increase in payment. It's only a few pounds a month. I'm not coddling her it just seems pointless to change it.

HeckyPeck · 26/09/2019 17:48

If you each had monthly spare money to just spend on yourselves and he wanted to use his for that that would be fine.

You don’t though so I think YANBU.

applesauce1 · 26/09/2019 17:53

@SherbetSaucer Just because he contributes 2/3 of the household income, it doesn't mean he gets more or better than the rest of us. My FTE wage is the same as his. I save us an enormous amount of money in childcare by being part time because my job allows it.

If he used his income as an argument for him having better things than my son and me, I'd tell him to get fucked. He'd never say that though. He might need me to PA him a bit but he's a good bloke.

OP posts:
littlehappyhippo · 26/09/2019 18:15

@SherbetSaucer

Agree with the OP. Just because her DP earns more, that doesn't mean he is entitled to SPEND more. That's not what being a family is! It's just mean and selfish to think you should spend more because you EARN more, when you are part of a couple/family.

I bet the OP does more in the house/childcare etc than her DH does!

As I said, he sounds horribly entitled, and I feel sorry for her.

BeanBag7 · 26/09/2019 18:35

Ring up and cancel. Sounds like he wont be arsed to ring back and start it up again.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 26/09/2019 18:48

I wouldn't want to change dentist as I like and trust mine so I can see his point. If he has such great teeth and only goes every few years, just get him to pay each time he goes rather than pay monthly insurance.

sorrythisusernameisinuse · 26/09/2019 18:55

How old is your son? Because you get free treatment until he's 1 so there's no point in going private until then anyway. If youre happy with your NHS dentist then stick with him, most dentists work in more than one place and even if they're in one place they more than likely do a mix between NHS/private anyway so you could pay to go privately just to see the same dentist but seems silly

Heatherjayne1972 · 26/09/2019 18:59

If he’s only going once every four years don’t sign up to denplan or similar as they take money every month
Make him do ‘pay as you go’

PleasePassTheCoffeeThanks · 26/09/2019 19:03

20£ a month, I would let it go. Maybe then deal is that you cancel it if he doesn’t go every 6m as a PP suggested.

Idontwanttotalk · 26/09/2019 19:36

Does he have to pay the monthly fee - can't he just pay in full when he goes there? I can see the point in sticking with the same dentist but if he doesn't actually go regularly, at least 6-monthly as you would with an NHS dentist, then I can't see the point.

If he is going to attend check ups etc I would suggest he stays with the dentist he is used to. Because you have an NHS dentist, I would suggest you stay with them too ...unless you aren't happy with the service you are receiving.

It would be different if none of you already had a dentist and he expected you to go NHS while he went private, but there's a lot to be said for continuity. It's the same as seeing the same GP each time. It is preferable.

BitchyArriver · 26/09/2019 19:52

He should just pay as he goes. I pay £70 every 6 months for a clean, polish and check up. If I didn’t smoke Blush it would be even cheaper with my £££ dentist.

If you have decent healthy teeth there is no need to pay £20 pcm for dental insurance.

The problem isn’t about private v nhs. It’s buying pointless insurance. I swear I saw an advert for window insurance. I.E. it would pay out if your windows got smashed for around £12 pm. If anyone is in a situation whereby £70 to a glazier would put them in financial hardship, then they probably shouldn’t be buying frivolous insurance for their fucking windows!!

Stop the direct debit and let him pay every 4 years for a check up if that’s all he can be arsed going for.

Confrontayshunme · 26/09/2019 20:25

My DH and I both have oral health issues, and when I chipped a front tooth from grinding, I paid out to go private. He offered me a payment plan - £12 per month for me for 2 hygiene visits and 1 dental per year. Plus he does kids free on NHS, so it has worked out easier and cheaper than NHS treatment for the issues we have.

woodchuck99 · 26/09/2019 20:40

I go to a private dentist while DH goes to an NHS one so don't necessarily see that as an issue. However, why on earth is he paying £20 a month for it if he only goes every few years? That's insane. I go about every 10 months and pay about £45.

CJsGoldfish · 27/09/2019 00:17

If it is the 'fairness' just allocate yourself the same amount each month. Use it as you wish. Seems strange to dwell on it when you can 'fair' it up

Sunshine93 · 27/09/2019 00:31

I think you say if he wants to go he pays for it himself and therefore you will adjust your contribution to the family pot accordingly. Honestly though I can't imagine having a DH who would be so selfish as to put himself above his own child and not see the irony of the fact that his own mum did this for him until he was 30 and he can't even do it for his own child while they are entirely dependant on him for everything.

Stompythedinosaur · 27/09/2019 00:34

I think it is very weird that he wants to prioritise himself above his dc.

SherbetSaucer · 28/09/2019 17:34

@littlehappyhippo Agree with the OP. Just because her DP earns more, that doesn't mean he is entitled to SPEND more

Of course it does! So he should work hard, contribute more and have nothing to show for it! The only issue I can see is that it seems a waste of money as he goes infrequently.

applesauce1 · 28/09/2019 19:18

@SherbetSaucer If I worked full time, earning the same amount as my husband, we'd pay considerably more childcare (9 hours a day instead of 3 hours), we'd have less overall in the family pot. We'd have an equal amount of less.

Are you suggesting that I should take a financial and career hit in order to save our family money, AND have less to spend on myself than my husband?

I offered to go back full time and for my husband to do part time and he declined as he said that looking after a baby, the house, and working part time is far harder than full time work.

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 29/09/2019 17:48

So he should work hard, contribute more and have nothing to show for it!

He has a family to show for it, does that not count for much?

Tippety · 29/09/2019 17:50

Unless it will leave you on the breadline or you were unhappy with your dentist then I don't see why it's such a big deal to be honest.

captainprincess · 29/09/2019 17:52

I have, and always have had private dental care. I don't pay monthly just pay for treatment when i go. Yes it is more expensive, but I massively feel it is worth it. The dentist has always fitted me in and done and work there and then. Can't he just pay when he goes?

MrsFrankDrebin · 30/09/2019 11:09

Where we live there is no mainland-style NHS. We pay for GP appointments (roughly £43 for a routine visit, children usually half price, and those who are in receipt of some kind of benefit pay less or nothing, depending) although hospital referrals are free (although nothing to stop you paying to go private at that point to jump the waiting lists).

Dentists are more or less the same - all 'high street' dentists are private, but (unlike the average GP fee per visit) prices can vary considerably. MIne's about £40 for a check up. Hygienist is more at £65 per visit (but I have also had brace work, and now have metal retainers behind my teeth which need a really good clean to protect the teeth)

I haven't had any work doing for... well, can't remember the last time (and I have a mouth full of large fillings that do need replacing now and again!). I pay as I go - they invoice me, I pay it, and I only pay for what I need at that time, be that a check up, the hygienist or a replacement filling.

But I do go every 6 months. I know many who only go once a year, but I have stuck to the 'old way'. And it pays off - for me - because when I went last Christmas, my dentist mentioned an 'possible' issue that 'might' become a problem, but I could take measures to avoid it. So I have been. And when I went back in July, the 'possible' had disappeared. But if I'd missed that Christmas check up, and only stuck to my summer ones, I might have had an issue by now that couldn't be reversed/resolved so easily. So, in that respect, and for someone 'my age', I think we do need to look after our teeth more than the youngsters who have grown up with, generally, better dental care than we had a couple of generations ago when we were children.

My DP stubbornly refuses to give up his Denplan (he goes to a different dentist to me and the DC) but he's on the top monthly rate, yet doesn't get the benefit. It's all "But if I needed a crown..." which, admittedly, are £400-£600 a pop. But he's already spent more than that on "But if..."!

So, while I have no choice but to pay anyway, the upshot is that - in the OP's DP's position - it's better value to 'PAYG' rather than have a monthly subscription, especially if you're not actually getting anywhere near the value of it (or getting any value at all, in the OP's DP's case!). He could always put a little extra into a separate account to top up at the time if the bill was more than a standard check up etc. But, when that separate account has reached a reasonable 'buffer amount', it can just sit there. No need to add more to it until it's been dipped into.

Sorry, that was longer than I intended.

TLDR: Op, cancel his plan until he notices, then tell him to PAYG after that! (And tell him mum to mind her own!).

Horsemad · 30/09/2019 11:30

I think if it's coming out of his personal spends, then let him do what he wants.
If not then make sure you have the same money to spend on yourself.

Incidentally, do most people go for one or two checkups a year?
I have two but my DS (same dentist) has yearly ones - maybe because he's at uni but he's still home frequently enough to have two, it's just that the surgery moved him to one a year. 🤔

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