Private Dentist for Husband, NHS for the rest of us?

[applesauce1]

My husband wants to pay for private dental care for himself, while my baby son and I go to an NHS dentist.

Backstory: my MIL paid for my husband to have private dental care until he was 30. She claims that his teeth are so good because of his private treatment. I argue that to reap the benefit of private dental care, you actually have to go more regularly than once every four years, and that the perfect state of his teeth is therefore likely just good luck. (It really irked me that he allowed his mother to pay monthly for a service that he never used but that is another story).

Now that she is no longer paying, he wants for this to now come out of our family finances. I have just gone part time, and now have the increased costs of having a child. We can not afford for the whole family to have private dental care.

He thinks he should be able to continue with his childhood dentist while my son and I 'slum it' at an NHS dentist (I personally love my dentist and feel that I have great dental care under the NHS).

All of our money is shared. I contribute to 1/3 of our household finances through my job, provide most of the child care for our son and do freelance work to further benefit our family's financial position, if that makes a difference.

AIBU? Should he continue with his childhood dentist when he probably will rarely go (I have to book hair appointments etc for him)? He thinks I'm being bey unreasonable.

He is a man child. It is annoying. I bloody love him though

You love a man child? Personally l prefer an actual man.

It's very difficult to find an NHS dentist that will take on an adult as a new patient so he may not have the choice.
If he wants to remain private and only goes once every four years it would make more sense to PAYG than to pay £240 a year. That's £960 for a check up.

My dentist was NHS then went private with certain exceptions.
They kept me on as MHS because I have been going to them for over 40 years.
Suffice as to say the treatment is exactly the same.
My point is if you dont need to pay don`t.
Why on earth would you.
Your married to a spoilt brat.
And your mil aught to realise he is a grown man ,well in body that is.
All or not at all for me.

It’s not fair. It’s selfish and mean spirited. Try some parallels.

• You go on holiday, he travels 1st class, you and your child in economy.

• You buy clothes. His come from John Lewis, yours and your child’s are from primark.

• You buy food. He has a steak. You and the child have meatloaf.

Do any of these sound fair to him? Ask him to explain why this is different.

All go private or non of you.
Why did you marry and have a child with a mummies boy is more important?

He thinks he should be able to continue with his childhood dentist while my son and I 'slum it' at an NHS dentist (I personally love my dentist and feel that I have great dental care under the NHS)

So he stays with his dentist and you stay with yours? Don't really see an issue here at all. He had a private dentist when you met and you didn't. No reason for either of you to change.

I'm struggling to understand why you have mentioned 'slumming it' when you yourself are clear that you are absolutely slumming it.

Stop paying for the monthly fee, just pay when he goes. Don't organise his appointments for him and it will probably work out very cheaply indeed.

*absolutely NOT slumming it

What does the £20/month cover? Is is absolutely impossible for both of you to pay the £20/month? I pay for private dentist since I can get appointment when I need it.

I understand that the problem is that he is getting something that you are not. But is there a e.g. for you to spend £20/month for something?

My preoccupation with fairness is a personality flaw that I have and I try not to dwell on it

It most certainly is not a flaw😡

Deoes he really think that he should have private service but not the rest of the family? If so, that's very selfish. But if he would be happy for all of you to have it, then he's not selfish. I understand why he wants to stay with the same dentist that he's been seeing for years. But you should all have equal dental care.

I use a private dentist (had a bad experience at an NHS one) but I just pay for appointments as I have them, rather than a monthly amount. Obviously I don't get the benefit of emergency service etc. Maybe he could do that?

I'm struggling to understand why you have mentioned 'slumming it' when you yourself are clear that you are absolutely slumming it.

Because her partner clearly thinks the NHS dentist is inferior because he isn't prepared to switch? If he really believes his private dentist is worth it, he should extend that to his partner and child. But he isn't because they can't afford it. Partly because he's wasting money on a service he isn't even using. It's selfish twattery.

I wouldn't begrudge the dental plan if he actually used it! This would drive me mad, he may as well set that money on fire

Some private dentists only do Denplan, so the PAYG option may not be there. He should check, anyway.

But just do what Buzz said and agree, then don't bother with helping him do it!

I’ve had my dentist longer than I’ve had my child, or his dad.
Mine is private, because he changed from NHS to private but I wanted to stay with him.
My son and his dad are NHS, because they registered with a dentist near our home.
It’s not a matter of my teeth being more important than theirs. We just got different dentists at different times.

I am private, also healthcare, DH isn’t. Kids not either.

I needed it at the time, to get my permanent residency in the UK.(5 years evidence of not using NHS is a requirement for immigrants who don’t earn much/sahms/carers )

I still have it, DH us not bothered.

I see it as an individual decision?

You are nit exactly slumming it, you have a good dentist.

Can’t see why it’s a problem for you

I pay to get my hair dyed, DH doesn't. I pay more for hair cuts than DH. I get my nails done every 3 weeks, DH doesn't. I pay monthly for contact lenses, WeightWatchers and Spotify and DH doesn't. He doesn't give me a hard time and I'd be upset if he did. Honestly, I think YABU

- You buy food. He has a steak. You and the child have meatloaf

Do any of these sound fair to him? Ask him to explain why this is different.

I think the difference is that the OP doesn't WANT steak (or a private dentist) she wants meatloaf (i.e. her original NHS dentist). W

What she's asking is for her DP to want meatloaf too, and give up having any steak.

I think it it's financially affordable he should keep his dentist, who he knows and likes, and she should keep her dentist, who she knows and likes.

I HATE the dentist and avoided it a lot in my younger days. Now I have a private dentist on Denplan. I still HATE it, but I go regularly. For me, it is worth the money. There was a time we couldn't afford it, though. Now that we can, I am keen to keep it.

The waste of money is annoying, though, and as dental issues are best treated as more prevention than cure, he should go regularly.
And I'd want to get the DC sorted.

Perhaps now it's coming out of his pocket he'll go more frequently.

I'm private and dh and kids are NHS.

That's because our local dentist is kids on NHS with a private parent.
When we moved here there was no dentist taking on new adult NHS dentists. Dh therefore chose not to go until a tooth fell apart the evening before he was due to go away with work, so had to take what he could get. That cost him more than he would have saved by using my dentist for the 8 years he hadn't been.

Then shortly after that a dentist opened to NHS close to where he works.

I have a Denplan package where I included our daughter . When she moved a few miles away it was difficult to get her to appointments . In the end I asked her to pay her own part of the monthly charge . This entitles us to a 12 week hygienist appt plus a 6 monthly check up . She now goes regularly. I pay a top up for us both in case of injury - which covers implants .
If he's not going to the dentist YANBU to be irritated that the £20 a month is a complete waste of money . Until he takes responsibility for his own appointments you'll get nowhere .
Because your MIL like me paid until he was 30 ( like our DD) it's not appreciated . The reason she stopped paying is probably because it irked her too .
I'd squirrel away £20 a month towards something I'd like to do . Let him know that that you plan to do this . Say when you have saved enough you plan to go private too . I know it's the principle of the thing that's at stake for you here but you also need to prove a point .

If you can get an NHS dentist, use it. Our NHS dentist is £22.70 or whatever every 6 months plus £55 per hygienist appointment whenever the dentist says you need one.

He's just throwing money away. Perhaps your MIL could pay for him for a year for a Christmas present?

@alexdgr8
The trouble is £20 a month is going out and he's getting a check up once each four years . Very bad value . It's that she's objecting to.

Not read all the comments but... I have private dental care, my husband and daughter are NHS. It all comes out of the family budget.

The reason being is that my dentist used to be NHS but then went private. I have had various issues with my teeth and the only dentist who listened and helped was this dentist. I am aware of how much it costs but I'm scared to go to anyone else in case they are as useless as my previous ones.

Could your husband be reluctant to change his dentist because he genuingely thinks in a similar way to me?

It's a complete waste of money as he only goes once every 4 years if you, the PA, makes an appointment for him. FFS. Does he have a dogsbody at work wiping his arse for him, too? A hair appointment? He doesn't just pop into the barber?

Amazed at how many women find these 14-year-old's in 30-year-old's bodies attractive. Yeuch.

£240/year for a service he doesn't even use once a year. Fuck that. That's stupid AF. Be better putting it in a savings account, even at .5% interest.

My teenagers use Monzo, including one who is dyslexic. It's not exactly tricky stuff.

I don't pay a montly fee, I pay when I go.