Private Dentist for Husband, NHS for the rest of us?

[applesauce1]

My husband wants to pay for private dental care for himself, while my baby son and I go to an NHS dentist.

Backstory: my MIL paid for my husband to have private dental care until he was 30. She claims that his teeth are so good because of his private treatment. I argue that to reap the benefit of private dental care, you actually have to go more regularly than once every four years, and that the perfect state of his teeth is therefore likely just good luck. (It really irked me that he allowed his mother to pay monthly for a service that he never used but that is another story).

Now that she is no longer paying, he wants for this to now come out of our family finances. I have just gone part time, and now have the increased costs of having a child. We can not afford for the whole family to have private dental care.

He thinks he should be able to continue with his childhood dentist while my son and I 'slum it' at an NHS dentist (I personally love my dentist and feel that I have great dental care under the NHS).

All of our money is shared. I contribute to 1/3 of our household finances through my job, provide most of the child care for our son and do freelance work to further benefit our family's financial position, if that makes a difference.

AIBU? Should he continue with his childhood dentist when he probably will rarely go (I have to book hair appointments etc for him)? He thinks I'm being bey unreasonable.

I’m private because I really need specific care, I pay a huge amount every month, the rest of the family is nhs as their teeth are great !

Take £20 a month for yourself for personal spends.

I like the idea of giving him some options.

1. Try NHS and if he doesn't like it

1. Pay as he goes.

I absolutely don't want for him to start this direct debit, and then feel personally compelled to organise his appointments so that it isn't wasted money.

To be honest, our personal outgoings are pretty much matched. We hardly buy clothes, my hair costs more but he has an expensive mysterious hobby that I won't name (as is mumsnet tradition) that balances things out.

But again, the fairness of it is less of an issue than the sense of wasting money.

How very odd. Can't he just pay for appointments as he needs them, it sounds like you are talking about insurance.

Then you pay for private appointments for you on principle. If I could get an nhs appointment I'd snap it up though.

I would say yabu if he actually used it and you were happy with your own dentist anyway but if he doesn't use then YANBU and he's a tool

also, you're not his PA, let him organise his own appointments for stuff!!

Do you have the same amount of monthly spends if he pays this 20 quid per month ?

If so, it's his business if he wastes that money instead of actually using it

Just smile sweetly and tell him you'll sort it all for him.

And then don't. Seeing as he never goes, he won't realise.

I’d offer him pay as he goes, or at the the end of every calendar year he has not booked and attended an appointment then I get 20 x 12 = £240 to spend on anything you like.
Not calendar year actually, he might cslll it your Christmas present. July - June.

His attitude is ridiculous , if his mum paid for him to go on an exclusive Caribbean holiday every year would he expect this to continue and you and dc slum it at home eating baked beans?

we have an NHS dentist but DH has private medical cover and I don't. It's not a biggie. I spend money on clothes stuff that he doesn't.

However I couldn't live with someone who cant book their own appointments for dentists and hairdressers.

Urgh don't know how anyone can find a mummy's boy sexually attractive tbh......

I have a private dentist but don't pay monthly only when I actually go. If he doesn't go regularly maybe it would be cheaper to pay upfront. My 6 month check up and polish today just cost £42.50. (I'm not in London).

@BigChocFrenzy
We talked about separating some money into personal accounts for this kind of spending but we couldn't decide on what things would go through that account and we ended up sticking with everything in the joint.

I'm trying to persuade him that we switch to Monzo so that we can pot up our budget and manage our money more easily but he's a technophobe.

Oh and to those who asked why he wants to stay with the private dentist, his mum tells him it's the best and her word is god.

Yes, just cancel the 'dental subscription' as he'll never notice if he doesn't go.

But if you have a good NHS dentist, why doesn't he just use them, or not as the case may be?

Is the unnamed hobby a membership for a gym that he never goes to?

However I couldn't live with someone who cant book their own appointments for dentists and hairdressers

OP will find herself being his mummy in many more ways than this! threads about these manchildren abound on MN.

I'm confused, I have a private dentist (no NHS spaces here when I came) but I don't pay monthly. I just pay for appointments, it's the same for DH. He's really good and probably costs me under £100 a year.

Totally go with Buzz idea!

My preoccupation with fairness is a personality flaw

Is it?
Says who?
Not your selfish OH, by any chance is it?

WTF!!! The 'one rule for you, one for him' thing is astounding. He needs to grow up and get loose of those apron strings.

It's usually the same dentists providing both NHS and private care and you're very lucky if you can find a dentist taking on NHS patients nowadays. I have insurance with Denplan and their basic package (1 check up, 1 hygiene appt, 2 xrays per year) works out just over £15 per month. If he's not going annually then he should do PAYG, and he should definitely be making his own appointments, not relying on you to do it for him.

Yes he doesnt need it. I am at a NHS dentist - I have check ups there at NHS prices. I pay for hygienist appts twice a year at a private rate. When work is needed on any of the family we get given the NHS option and private and pay accordingly.

When I had a unique tooth absorption my NHS dentist referred me to a private dental practice where I paid to have the root canal done (it was a tricky specialist one)

He doesnt need it. Sign up to an NHS one and take each decision as it comes

You can afford £20 a month but not £40, is that right? Baby is free whichever way you go - most private dentists do not charge for children.

Honestly, I think if you are happy with your dentist, then there isn't a fairness "issue" here - you don't see the need to pay £240 a year for your care. He does, and wants to keep his dentist.

YWNBU to insist he goes, though. Don't they just book the next appointment when you've been to one? Get him to sign baby up to the practice and take DC along.

In the future you might want to do the private dentist, in which case you can switch then.

I pay per appointment at a private dentist and it's around £80 for check up and hygienist so if he's going any less than six monthly and never needs treatment he's wasting money.
My private dentist and hygienist are both definitely better than the NHS ones I joined as an adult but I think that's because good NHS dentists are like gold dust so rarely have openings for new patients.
If he does stay with his childhood dentist he should ask them if they'll do NHS treatment for your child, mine does this for children. You can stick with the dentist you know and like.

I pay as I go 6 monthly check up and a cleaning too. Costs me £160 a year. So he should check out the cost to pay as you go if he has good teeth, might cost less. I only pay as the dentist wasn't taking on any NHS adults. She did take Dd as an NHS patient. Same dentist, same care. Just costs me each visit.

Seriously, why do you make his appointments for him? He sounds like he has some serious growing up to do.

I'm confused, I have a private dentist (no NHS spaces here when I came) but I don't pay monthly. I just pay for appointments, it's the same for DH. He's really good and probably costs me under £100 a year

This. Why pay a monthly subscription? If he visits so infrequently just pay for each appt.

Fwiw it may not be easy for an adult to switch to an nhs dentist. Most are full. We all see exactly the same dentist- dc are nhs while dh and I pay about £80 for two check ups per year as the practice wasn’t taking on adult nhs patients.