To tell her she's no longer a bridesmaid?

[Howaboutmeow]

NC as possibly outing, but been on MN for about 6 months now.
Getting married at the end of year. When we got engaged, I asked Sis to be a bridesmaid. We have a long, fractured history but I thought that it would be a way of putting the wheels in motion to repair things. Here's what's happened since:

1. Came to engagement party, but invited her friend then left after an hour to head to a nightclub instead. Didn't bring her children for the sole reason of not wanting to look after them, although she knew it was important for me to have them there to officially ask them to be a part of the wedding with other important guests.
2. Came wedding dress shopping and tried on a wedding dress (despite not having a boyfriend). I have a fractured history with Mum too, and hoped to feel special in my dress. Mum said the dress I've bought was nice (not that I looked nice in it..) and proceeded to gush over Sis and how incredible she looked, and how she'll be a perfect bride.
3. Told me to change bridesmaid dresses because she 'doesn't have the chest for them anymore' despite my other bridesmaids purchasing their dresses after prior agreement.
4. Fallen out with some important family members and has demanded that I change my seating plan to make sure she's nowhere near them.

It's been tearing me apart.

Sis now has a boyfriend. She's demanded that he be invited to the wedding, along with his four children- said they should be flower girls like my neice. I've only met him once in the year they've apparently been together (I say apparently as they've split up more than they've been together) and I've NEVER met his children. I don't even know their names!

There is absolutely no way that I will have his children there. But if he is invited, he will be stood there the entire day knowing nobody but Sis (if they're even together by then). I don't necessarily want her to be a bridesmaid anymore after the way she has acted, and if I'm honest I don't even want her to be there at all. She has a longstanding history of making important events in my life all about her- my graduation, our engagement, our party, and now trying it with our wedding. The only reason she's still on the guest list is because it's important to us that her children remain a part of our big day- my fiancé and I have a beautiful relationship with them and don't want them to be excluded because of her.

Hoping it would be a viable reason to no longer have her as a bridesmaid- AIBU to tell her if she wants her boyfriend there she will be a regular guest?

Has your sis bought her bridemaid's dress?

DonKeyShot No, she has not.

In that case I have no hesitation in advising you to sack her as a bridesmaid and tell that you have no intention of giving her a +1 or having her current squeeze's 4 dc as flower bearers.

If she says that she'll no longer allow her dc to be flower bearers tell her that's fine as you can find others from your fiance's wider family or do without.

You'll have to stand really firm on this and, should your mother get involved, make it clear that it's your wedding and you're going to make your day special by inviting only those who genuinely wish you well and are not given to in-fighting,

Well, you can demote her based on her not wanting the dress, and the others having purchased them. But, I'd go about it nicely for the sake of the kids and your mother. I think she should have a plus one, but I would say no, the kids are not invited.

I am absolutely horrified that she would do even one of these things let alone all of them. The part where she tried on a wedding dress at your appointment is the worst though. What an absolute bitch.

I do think though you should invite the new BF but definitely not his kids.

Horrendous!!

She seems to be determined to fall out. It's going to happen whatever you do, so you might as well fall out on your terms by telling her she's not to be bridesmaid, and won't be allowed a plus one. And standing firm.

Don't allow your sister to use her dc as a trump card.

Regardless of whether they're your flower bearers, you'll still have a 'beautiful relationship' with them so put your poker face on, remember all the times your sister has ruined your special celebratory events, and make your engagement party the last time you let her get away with it.

Needless to say, your bargaining chip is the +1 which she'll only get if she toes the line.

You're about to embark on a new chapter in your life. As you turn to that clean page, don't let it be marred by her antics.

Fwiw, I recently attended a wedding at which the bride's sister pointedly chose to stay away. It was an empty gesture on her part as no-one noticed or remarked on her absence and it was a genuinely wonderful event with no bad fairies casting spells or scowling from the sidelines - the love the guests had for the couple was palpable.
I hope you have a day that's as memorable for you as that one is for me.

I wonder if she is planning on her BF plus 4 kids in full wedding regalia having a proposal at your wedding. Free photos too.

Who is paying for the wedding? You? You and partner? Your parents? If your parents I would leave her and allow boyfriend and children to attend, assuming they approve the additional cost. If you’re paying, do whatever makes you comfortable.

@BitchyArriver You wouldn't believe the lengths she will go to, regardless of the situation. Fiancé and I lost our first child to miscarriage. Announced that she was pregnant days later, told everyone I was planning her baby shower (unbeknown to myself at the time) and told me I was selfish for not being at her beck and call throughout the pregnancy. She's a whole other breed of being and in recent months, many around us have come to me with that realisation.

Thank you for your responses. I panic over doing the right thing and am struggling to do what's best for me and my future. But you're right, she's called the shots one too many times and this is now my time.

@WinterLife My fiancé and I are solely paying for everything. His parents have contributed some money for upfront deposits but we are in the process of paying them back.

He who pays the piper calls the tune. Remember that adage if your dm kicks off and if push comes to shove, disinvite your sister and don't think twice about pushing her off the guest list.

Do what YOU want on YOUR day OP. You sound like a very thoughtful and considerate person. Your sister sounds unbelievably selfish and the idea of her BF’s four children being flower girls is clearly ludicrous. I would not have her as a bridesmaid under any circumstances and if she doesn’t attend, I think you will have a much nicer day. I am unable to see that she brings any positives to your life and it’s time you started thinking more about yourself. I hope you resolved things and good luck with the wedding.

@Pol16 the only positives she brings to my life are her children, although DP and I are only ever used as a cash fund/babysitting service for her.
We love the children like they're our own, and want them to be a part of our day. They're all so excited and know that by flat out refusing to have Sis as bridesmaid without a reason, she'll use them as a bargaining chip.

Thank you

I would sack her based on her behavior.

Wouldn't care about the wedding dress though.

Don’t disinvite her as it will probably cause a big family feud.

Be the bigger person sans invite the new BF but NOT his kids.

Sack her as BM for not getting her dress.

I feel for you, what a selfish pain in the arse she is!

This is terrible. You want to mend a relationship and she's getting just worse and worse.

1. Sack her as bridesmaid
2. Her boyfriend being invited, fine. But definitely not with 4 children & definitely NOT FLOWER GIRLS.

Rude & demanding. Do it sooner rather than later.

As for your wedding dress, I am sure you are BEAUTIFUL in it!

I honestly don’t think number 1 on your list is a big deal. She’s well within her rights to leave her children at home so she doesn’t have to attend to them and can enjoy the party. Number 2 and 3 are mildly annoying. Number 4 is annoying but people fall out 🤷‍♀️ I’m sure she didn’t do it JUST to spite you. Asking for her boyfriend to be invited is reasonable but obviously not his kids. Just tell her that. Or just tell her she’s not bridesmaid as that’s what you obviously want to do - it sounds like you don’t like her very much and don’t want her involved or I think these fairly minor things she’s done wouldn’t annoy you so much.

She is behaving very badly. She hasn't even bought the dress as instructed! Yes tell her that she is no longer bridesmaid because she is being very difficult and kind of taking over your wedding plans. Do not invite her boyfriend and extra 4 kids. Because you'll never see them at the wedding, they'll probably split up by then. I had 4 bridesmaids and lost one of mine because of a fractious relationship with her father, he actually withdrew his daughter from being my bridesmaid. They ended up not coming to any of it because they were hurt??!?! I got on with the day and forgot about them. Best you sort it out now. Tell her it would be better that shes a regular guest instead of bridesmaid so that she can enjoy the day better with her children. But her new boyfriend and his children are not invited because you dont have room for them. Dont let her ruin your day.

Drop her a.together and quickly or your day will be overshadowed by the stress she is creating.

I suspect she hasn't bought her dress yet as she is hoping it wont be available when she goes to get it so gets to choose a dress she wants and be all the more 'special' in her own coordinated dress. If she tries this thats your perfect opportunity to let her go as bridesmaid.

I wouldn't have a problem with the plus 1 but no way would his children be invited.

It’s easy for strangers to call from the gallery but yes I would use the dress as an excuse to demote and stay super calm when you do it.

I purposefully did not go to my own brothers wedding - we have a fractured relationship and were Low contact when he invited me.
While I love him and can get on with him really well he is very difficult, almost perpetually “offended” by “wrongs committed against him” and has form for ruining things generally. Pretty much all major events are shat on by his awful behaviour (turning up so late we almost miss the show, not turning up at all to expensive events because he was offended by something minor earlier in the day, causing scenes in public)

the ultimate reason I didn’t go is I don’t want him at my wedding ruining everything and making the fucking thing all about him and I knew if I didn’t go to his he won’t come to mine.

So I do not say this likely but honestly hold your ground. your sister sounds like such a selfish user that even if she throws a fit and blocks the children from attending, she’ll be back looking for free childcare and to mooch off you in general within a few months.

Ps your mother sounds an absolute treat

"I don't think it's working out for you to be a bridesmaid but your role as Mother of the Flower Girls is a really important one and I still consider you to be part of the core wedding party. I'll need you to sit on the front row in front of the Mother & Father of the Bride & Groom and you can wear any dress you choose that isn't a bridesmaidy type. I am happy to give you a +1 invitation which will mean you can bring DP assuming all is well between you when the time comes but sorry I can't extend that to any more children"

you dm's behaviour wasnt great either.

Bin her as a bridesmaid. To be honest, I'd be low contact with her anyway after the appalling way she has treated you. She sounds as if she thrives on the oxygen from others so do it and don't give her another thought. Previous form suggests she'll hijack your wedding too.
Easier said than done I know.