To tell her she's no longer a bridesmaid?

[Howaboutmeow]

NC as possibly outing, but been on MN for about 6 months now.
Getting married at the end of year. When we got engaged, I asked Sis to be a bridesmaid. We have a long, fractured history but I thought that it would be a way of putting the wheels in motion to repair things. Here's what's happened since:

1. Came to engagement party, but invited her friend then left after an hour to head to a nightclub instead. Didn't bring her children for the sole reason of not wanting to look after them, although she knew it was important for me to have them there to officially ask them to be a part of the wedding with other important guests.
2. Came wedding dress shopping and tried on a wedding dress (despite not having a boyfriend). I have a fractured history with Mum too, and hoped to feel special in my dress. Mum said the dress I've bought was nice (not that I looked nice in it..) and proceeded to gush over Sis and how incredible she looked, and how she'll be a perfect bride.
3. Told me to change bridesmaid dresses because she 'doesn't have the chest for them anymore' despite my other bridesmaids purchasing their dresses after prior agreement.
4. Fallen out with some important family members and has demanded that I change my seating plan to make sure she's nowhere near them.

It's been tearing me apart.

Sis now has a boyfriend. She's demanded that he be invited to the wedding, along with his four children- said they should be flower girls like my neice. I've only met him once in the year they've apparently been together (I say apparently as they've split up more than they've been together) and I've NEVER met his children. I don't even know their names!

There is absolutely no way that I will have his children there. But if he is invited, he will be stood there the entire day knowing nobody but Sis (if they're even together by then). I don't necessarily want her to be a bridesmaid anymore after the way she has acted, and if I'm honest I don't even want her to be there at all. She has a longstanding history of making important events in my life all about her- my graduation, our engagement, our party, and now trying it with our wedding. The only reason she's still on the guest list is because it's important to us that her children remain a part of our big day- my fiancé and I have a beautiful relationship with them and don't want them to be excluded because of her.

Hoping it would be a viable reason to no longer have her as a bridesmaid- AIBU to tell her if she wants her boyfriend there she will be a regular guest?

OMG, yes, sack her and tell her the bf and kids weren't invited.
Also, tell your mum how you feel, both their behaviour when you were dress hunting was unforgivable, and I'd imagined very hurtful.
You don't need this in your life, let alone your wedding.

Get her sacked asap and enjoy a much less stressful wedding day!

Tbh I would not have your sis at the wedding. It looks like she’s going to try and ruin it
🤷🏼‍♀️ And if your mother gets offended by it, I would not shed tears by not having her there too! You’re only going to be disappointed if you think she’ll rise to the situation.

i agree with painauchocolat
i think you invited her to be a bridesmaid just so that you could Lord it over her in the end and unite her. you sound very self centred. Why shouldn't she try on a wedding dress - why do you need to feel special?
Weddings are not about feeling special - they are about telling your community of friends and relatives that you are going to commit to your partner. Weddings are special when everyone invited feels special - it isn't some sort of show - or maybe I'm being old fashioned.

Not you, your sister nor even your mother come across as being particularly pleasant people.

Trying on a dress in someone else's fitting has always been a massive no. I thought this was a widespread rule of weddings

Nobody who isn’t a self-centred arsehole would try on wedding dresses at a bride-to-be’s wedding dress appointment.

Oh God, out come the rather spiteful posters now laying into OP.
And monstiebags if you'd read properly what the OP said, you'd have realised she didn't ask her DS to be a bridesmaid. Her DS simply assumed she was and OP didn't disabuse her of it and accepted it and went along with it. Oh yes, that sounds super self centred.

The people who think it’s OK for companions of the bride to try on wedding dresses during her appointment are the sort of people who would do exactly that

It's your day. If shes bought the dress then just let her wear it. It avoids more dramas. As for boyfriends kids. The answer is no. You never even met them. And finally dont share details of table plans etc . Let people find out on the day. They still complain either way.

If she comes to your wedding in any shape or form she's going to try her hardest to either ruin it or make it all about her.

I'd both demote her from bridesmaid and tell her she's not coming to the wedding either, and hold my ground. If you want a softer option then demote her from bridesmaid for the dress reason, hold firm on her partner and his kids not coming, and wave nonchalantly as she steams herself off into the distance. That way she can feel in control with her flounce and you have achieved the best outcome for you.

I'd also not worry if your mum flounced either. Your MIL sounds like a wonderful person, let her and your wonderful friends support you

Is it too late to elope?

We rescinded our offer to my sister as bridesmaid because we weren't happy with her behaviour in the run up to our wedding.

DH and I discussed how we felt about her remaining, what the potential fallout might be, how we would manage said fallout, etc. and came to the conclusion that it was the right decision for us for our wedding. Because, ultimately, it was our feelings about the day day that trumped anyone else's.

That said, my mum agreed with us.

You poor girl. What a lousy situation. Cut her out now! Be ready for some flak from her and your Mum but stick to your guns. Be prepared not to have her at your wedding at all. You deserve good people around you, not toxic. Happy wedding planning.

OP, hope you got it sorted with your "D"S.

Am I the only one who thinks she's enough of a CF to bring along her bfs kids anyway, even if OP says only bf is invited?
Probably just assuming that no one is going to turn away 4 kids in new outfits on the day?

Watch out though-there was someone on here who dressed her daughters up as flower girls, even though they weren't invited.

For a moment, I thought you were my DD posting! However, we haven't reached the wedding dress shopping yet, but DD1 is very definitely skating on thin ice about being part of the wedding party. You can sack her as a bridesmaid. Her attitude stinks. It seems she is jealous of you. Allow the plus one but definitely not the 4 kids! If she wants to stomp off, let her. Sadly, there is a pretty fair chance she will take her DC with her, but it isn't worth putting up with her bad behaviour.

Did anyone watch Him & Her? I’m imagining OP’s sister as Laura.

Your sister sounds like a nightmare and your mum not much better for enabling her

I'm glad your MIL made you feel wonderful, hold on to that.

I would just diffuse her unreasonableness by ignoring her and not letting it rile me. which is her objective

I would let her be bridesmaid, in a dress of her own choosing. The others won't be changing though. She can have her plus one. He'll be fine. But deffo no to the kids you've not met. I bet you any money he won't want his kids there. Why would he? Ignore the seating demands. The wedding dress thing was waiting to happen and I don't know why you set it up that way.

I think sacking her as bridesmaid will give her the PERFECT excuse and mechanism to make the whole of the rest of the run up to your wedding all about her and how mean you've been to her and really rack up the drama.

Find her a different role that sounds more important than the bridesmaid one - something like Maid of Honour - then get her doing something apparently central eg. handing out bouquets to people as they arrive (something usher like) that means she then has to sit down when it's time for you and the bridesmaids to enter. This way she gets to wear what dress she wants, you can sideline her from your more co-operative bridesmaid, she's not upstaging you and causing shit amongst your bridesmaids in the ceremony (ie she has to sit with +1 and kids) but you have given her a role that doesn't exacerbate the split, and makes her still feel important and involved, while you actually stay in charge. If she mentions the kids being bridesmaids say firmly you have all the ones you need and their dresses etc have been arranged. No more time and money. Say if you ask her partner's kids, you'll have to ask soanso kids etc (ie fob her off with a little white lie).

One option, whatever you decide about DSis and DP, is to have a couple of sturdy guys as ushers on the door to turn away anyone who turns up without an invitation i.e. the DP's kids!

Have some pre-ceremony drinks and get one of the other bridesmaids to lace your sister's drink with laxatives. Top up as and when required throughout the day.

If she's on the bog all day it will keep her out of trouble.

Tell her as she doesn't like the dress and wants her partner there who knows nobody else it would make sense for her to just come with him. The other bridesmaids already bought their dresses so it's too late to change them but she can wear a dress of her choosing and keep him company on a table not with those she's avoiding.

I would demote her from being bridesmaid, allow her to have a +1 but not invite the four children. I think though that you should be prepared for the fact that she/her partner will turn up with them anyway.

I also doubt that you will lose contact with your DNs if you demote her, as I imagine she will want to continue using you as a free babysitter.

Having read this I'm not a fan of your mother or your sister.

Stop panicking. Your day, your rules.

Your wedding is the 1st day of the rest of your life and you can live it happily without either of them. From what you've said I believe they have more to lose if you cut them off than the other way around. If necessary, tell them that and mean it.

Do not be blackmailed re: nieces. Get her on her own and tell her her DP is welcome to come as her +1 but you cannot accommodate his children and as you don't know them they will not be flower girls.

If she kicks up (which she will) just tell her you're sorry she feels that way but this is YOUR wedding and you will do your day as you see fit and if she is going to be a problem she is uninvited. Further to that she will need to get used to the new you as you are done tolerating her shit.

Your life, your rules and if she doesn't like it, she knows where the door is.

I would be firm and upfront with her. Say I d would like you there however it’s my wedding and this is what I have decided you would love her children but can’t accommodate his etc and if she can’t accept this then it is her choice. It’s your day you dictate