To tell her she's no longer a bridesmaid?

[Howaboutmeow]

NC as possibly outing, but been on MN for about 6 months now.
Getting married at the end of year. When we got engaged, I asked Sis to be a bridesmaid. We have a long, fractured history but I thought that it would be a way of putting the wheels in motion to repair things. Here's what's happened since:

1. Came to engagement party, but invited her friend then left after an hour to head to a nightclub instead. Didn't bring her children for the sole reason of not wanting to look after them, although she knew it was important for me to have them there to officially ask them to be a part of the wedding with other important guests.
2. Came wedding dress shopping and tried on a wedding dress (despite not having a boyfriend). I have a fractured history with Mum too, and hoped to feel special in my dress. Mum said the dress I've bought was nice (not that I looked nice in it..) and proceeded to gush over Sis and how incredible she looked, and how she'll be a perfect bride.
3. Told me to change bridesmaid dresses because she 'doesn't have the chest for them anymore' despite my other bridesmaids purchasing their dresses after prior agreement.
4. Fallen out with some important family members and has demanded that I change my seating plan to make sure she's nowhere near them.

It's been tearing me apart.

Sis now has a boyfriend. She's demanded that he be invited to the wedding, along with his four children- said they should be flower girls like my neice. I've only met him once in the year they've apparently been together (I say apparently as they've split up more than they've been together) and I've NEVER met his children. I don't even know their names!

There is absolutely no way that I will have his children there. But if he is invited, he will be stood there the entire day knowing nobody but Sis (if they're even together by then). I don't necessarily want her to be a bridesmaid anymore after the way she has acted, and if I'm honest I don't even want her to be there at all. She has a longstanding history of making important events in my life all about her- my graduation, our engagement, our party, and now trying it with our wedding. The only reason she's still on the guest list is because it's important to us that her children remain a part of our big day- my fiancé and I have a beautiful relationship with them and don't want them to be excluded because of her.

Hoping it would be a viable reason to no longer have her as a bridesmaid- AIBU to tell her if she wants her boyfriend there she will be a regular guest?

Just tell her her boyfriend isn't invited, she will probably disinvite herself.

I would leave being a bridesmaid up to her, based on whether she is happy to make the dress work and the fact that it's too late to change it since the others have already bought theirs. She can decide how much it means to her.

I would invite the new partner, on the basis that one usually invites partners to a wedding. I think it's not very nice to exclude. But it's a hard no on even inviting his kids, let alone having them be in the bridal party.

Put it in writing and copy it to your mum so everyone knows exactly where you stand and you have been clear and reasonable and nice.

Your mum sounds incredibly thoughtless and I'm sorry she ruined your dress shopping experience. I am sure you will look gorgeous in your dress!

As she doesn’t like the bridesmaid dress it’s a reasonable option to give her your decision that she brings her boyfriend and comes to your wedding as a guest . Stick to your guns on this one . This way she needn’t leave his side . His children coming is non negotiable- she’s shown by not bringing her children to your engagement that she‘s just using it as another stick to beat you with - she doesn’t really want them there and I bet neither does he .
It’s such a shame that your initial gesture of attempting to heal the rift in the family has rebounded . And your motive to continue to see her children is a good one -
However the example of motherhood she and your own mother has shown is so toxic that you might have to concentrate on making your day special for those who really love you rather than your sister and mother . Unfortunately you may cause a backlash on your niece as flower girl - her mother may not let her attend . But that will be your sister’s fault not yours . Stand firm and don’t be blackmailed- if not the manipulation will never end .

I wouldn't even have her at the wedding

I think someone else further upthread has said what I would do, write/email her and tell her that as she doesn't want to wear the dress that she originally agreed to, and now wants you to ask her BF, you have decided it would be better if she gives up the role of bridesmaid and attends as a normal guest that way she can enjoy the day with him and still be on hand to help out with her children, who you still very much want included in the wedding party. Then go on to say that you have all the attendants that you need, and as you don't even know her BF's children they will not be invited to the wedding.

Writing it all down means that she has to read (ie hear) what you say, and can't interrupt and shout you down, as I imagine she probably normally does, and meanwhile you can be ready to fend her and your DM off when the shit hits the fan.

Don't worry if your DM, DS and her children don't end up coming to the wedding, you'll be so excited and busy enjoying the day with the people who haven't given you grief that you won't even notice they're not there.

Meanwhile, I hope you have a wonderful day, but do take control NOW, to ensure that everyone knows firmly where they stand before the big day.

painauchocolat84 Thu 26-Sep-19 05:29:52
I honestly don’t think number 1 on your list is a big deal. She’s well within her rights to leave her children at home so she doesn’t have to attend to them and can enjoy the party. Number 2 and 3 are mildly annoying. Number 4 is annoying but people fall out 🤷‍♀️ I’m sure she didn’t do it JUST to spite you. Asking for her boyfriend to be invited is reasonable but obviously not his kids. Just tell her that. Or just tell her she’s not bridesmaid as that’s what you obviously want to do - it sounds like you don’t like her very much and don’t want her involved or I think these fairly minor things she’s done wouldn’t annoy you so much.

monstiebags Fri 27-Sep-19 18:38:20
i agree with painauchocolat
i think you invited her to be a bridesmaid just so that you could Lord it over her in the end and unite her. you sound very self centred. Why shouldn't she try on a wedding dress - why do you need to feel special?
Weddings are not about feeling special - they are about telling your community of friends and relatives that you are going to commit to your partner. Weddings are special when everyone invited feels special - it isn't some sort of show - or maybe I'm being old fashioned.

lovemenorca Fri 27-Sep-19 18:41:11
Not you, your sister nor even your mother come across as being particularly pleasant people."

@monstiebags, @painauchocolat and @lovemenorca: you must be the sister, mother and / or their friends! What horrible things oyu're saying. This poor girl is simply trying to organise her wedding so it will be a special memory for her and her husband to be, not a family feud or being made to feel inadequate on what should be a special day for her and new hubby!

@CleansUpDragonPoo

@monstiebags, @painauchocolat and @lovemenorca: you must be the sister, mother and / or their friends! What horrible things oyu're saying.

I totally agree - can't believe people are speaking to OP as if she's being unreasonable! OP you really aren't, you're being bullied and basically blackmailed about the one day of your life that is solely yours.

Don't allow people to take over the day or force you to do anything that doesn't sit right with you. You sound absolutely lovely and often this is the reason particular siblings (you - and me!) are made the scapegoat while others (your sister and my brother!) are allowed to get away with murder because they shout the loudest and cause the most potential fuss.

She didn't bring her kids when it was agreed she would, yet she can't fathom them not being in the wedding party... she's trying to call the shots when it isn't her place.

I've learned not to be dramatic about it, but to quietly yet firmly be clear about my position. If x happens then y can't happen. In writing over messages and i usually try to tell an unbiased family member so the difficult person can't spin a yarn.

Sorry OP it sounds like she's adding even more stress that you don't need for your big day!

I think you invited her to be a bridesmaid just so that you could Lord it over her in the end and unite her. you sound very self-centered. Why shouldn't she try on a wedding dress - why do you need to feel special?

This must be your sister! who posted this

I'd also be pretty miffed about her behavior. She sounds like a self-centered teenager. Your mother's comment about the wedding dress was pretty out of order too. As several (reasonable) people have suggested, say no to her continuing to be a bridesmaid, yes to a plus one, no to boyfriend's kids attending (in any role).

Have a wonderful day!

Haven't rtft but can I just warn you - if you invite him (her boyfriend) and day his kids aren't invited, you do realise his kids will probably end up appearing at the wedding anyway? CFs tend to do what they want!!

Yep. That's why my possibly odd-sounding advice would be to make sure you piss her off enough to get her to flounce and declare that she wouldn't come to your wedding if you paid her, etc.

Only way she won't wreck the day.

Not you, your sister nor even your mother come across as being particularly pleasant people.

@lovemenorca You’re not exactly coming off great yourself with that spiteful post.

Sack her as a bridesmaid.
She's a bitch