To tell her she's no longer a bridesmaid?

[Howaboutmeow]

NC as possibly outing, but been on MN for about 6 months now.
Getting married at the end of year. When we got engaged, I asked Sis to be a bridesmaid. We have a long, fractured history but I thought that it would be a way of putting the wheels in motion to repair things. Here's what's happened since:

1. Came to engagement party, but invited her friend then left after an hour to head to a nightclub instead. Didn't bring her children for the sole reason of not wanting to look after them, although she knew it was important for me to have them there to officially ask them to be a part of the wedding with other important guests.
2. Came wedding dress shopping and tried on a wedding dress (despite not having a boyfriend). I have a fractured history with Mum too, and hoped to feel special in my dress. Mum said the dress I've bought was nice (not that I looked nice in it..) and proceeded to gush over Sis and how incredible she looked, and how she'll be a perfect bride.
3. Told me to change bridesmaid dresses because she 'doesn't have the chest for them anymore' despite my other bridesmaids purchasing their dresses after prior agreement.
4. Fallen out with some important family members and has demanded that I change my seating plan to make sure she's nowhere near them.

It's been tearing me apart.

Sis now has a boyfriend. She's demanded that he be invited to the wedding, along with his four children- said they should be flower girls like my neice. I've only met him once in the year they've apparently been together (I say apparently as they've split up more than they've been together) and I've NEVER met his children. I don't even know their names!

There is absolutely no way that I will have his children there. But if he is invited, he will be stood there the entire day knowing nobody but Sis (if they're even together by then). I don't necessarily want her to be a bridesmaid anymore after the way she has acted, and if I'm honest I don't even want her to be there at all. She has a longstanding history of making important events in my life all about her- my graduation, our engagement, our party, and now trying it with our wedding. The only reason she's still on the guest list is because it's important to us that her children remain a part of our big day- my fiancé and I have a beautiful relationship with them and don't want them to be excluded because of her.

Hoping it would be a viable reason to no longer have her as a bridesmaid- AIBU to tell her if she wants her boyfriend there she will be a regular guest?

If you let her have a plus 1, what if they turn up with the 4 kids to try and force you to have them there... safer to say no plus 1.

If you demote her she will cause chaos at the wedding. Just bin her off entirely.

Let her bring the boyf but say no to his four kids.

She sounds like a selfish, vindictive sort...but you’ll never change her.

It sounds as if your sister is the golden child and you’re the scapegoat. She is rude, demanding, expects to be the centre of attention. I’d say your mum / parents have ruined her by being overindulgent.

She’s goading you and competing against you every chance possible. Unfortunately I’m sure you’ve realised whatever you do she’s likely to make your wedding all about her.

I actually think the more important question is what steps do you plan to take to ensure she doesn’t ruin your wedding either before or on the day. Ie can a couple of people act as placaters or bouncers etc.

Idk if the best way is to sack her now. When is the wedding? When do you need to finalise numbers?

Sacking her pits her against you. If possible I’d try to be smarter. You don’t like the dress? Ah well, maybe you’d rather be a guest. That will be a lot less stress for you. Don’t get into a fight about what she has done. Just nonchalantly shrug and say it’s a big confusing for you. But hey, she doesn’t have to buy and wear the dress, she can just be a guest.

As for her boyfriend. Try and delay. You can see it would be nice for her if he could attend but you haven’t budgeted for him. You’re waiting on a few replies and once you’ve got numbers, you’ll see, hopefully they’ll be room for him. There won’t be room for his kids in any case, sorry.

Try not to use the word no. She’s a petulant child. If she still kicks off, threatens to take her kids out of the wedding party, oh well. If she wants to ruin it for her kids, you can’t stop her. The idea being that you preempt any shit she pulls out the bag and rehearse and control your reaction to it.

She’s stuck somewhere in the emotional age of a 2-7 year old. So you reason in this way with her. You wouldn’t allow a child of this age to act out in the way she is. But in the same time you wouldn’t pitch yourself in an adversial way either.

You’d put clear boundaries up, which is what you need to do with her. The message being: Ok, you choose how you behave. But if it goes outside what’s expected, I’m not going to be ok with that and there are going to be consequences.

Yoba makes sense with her message. Stop letting your sister dictate your wedding to her taste!

@Howaboutmeow

Your mum perhaps Bends to your sisters will a bit.

I am a bit of a wuss but I would do this:-

1. the bridesmaid dress was agreed by you, you changed your mind after everyone brought theirs .... if you refuse to wear the dress you can always step down as bridesmaid no hard feelings from me it’s your choice. ( if you get kick up repeat you agreed to dress I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable but neither am I going to ask everyone else to re dip their hands in their pocket because you changed your mind so honestly this is your choice and your situation that you created these are the two acceptable outcomes )

2. absolutely your boyfriend can come but no his 4 children can not, I don’t know their names or this kids in question and I don’t want strangers as part of the wedding group such a shame you didn’t meet him
   Years ago and we had built up that relationship but that’s how it is.

I was a bridesmaid for my best mate my husband is incredibly socially shy and has always refused double dates and spending time with my friend ( to the point me my mate and her future husband would go into and my guy would stay at home ) but he still came to the wedding and he only knew me.

Honestly after photos and Walking down the isle I was sat at the table with him and we were together most of the night ( until I got drunk and wanted to dance 😂 )

Other option my other best mate and maid of honours long term partner just didn’t come to my wedding for the very same reason .... again his choice not your problem.

My cousin de bridesmaided her sister in law for similar reasons and I assure you that her and her husband are now no longer in contact with the family ... they will no longer speak to them parents included ... spoilt little princess syndrome ... so put the ball back into their court and don’t stress over a situation she is creating give her 2 options It’s her choice

Oh I definitely think the BF will be encouraged to propose to her at your wedding just so she can make it all about her & ruin your day.

Accept that the children and your mum won't be there if your sister is uninvited. Do not allow her to turn your special day into a one woman show all about her. She has done it to you so many times what is likely to change this time? I would uninvite her now and just get on with planning. X

I'd sack her. In all honesty if it wasn't for you wanting her DC there, she should be uninvited all together.

Give she wants money and baby sitting off you do you seriously think you'll not get to see the kids when she'll have to cough up and look after we own children all the time otherwise ?

Sacked as bridesmaid.
Only invite her boyfriend if you can face it.
No to his kids coming but be prepared for there's no one else to look after them. Unless he has custody 24/7 and babysitters haven't been invented where they leave, I call bollocks.

She has been U and yes

But given her and your DM’s past behaviour your hopes were way, way too high. Weddings often exacerbate family relationship issues.

IMO you also need to accept that if you want a continuing relationship with her DC then she is part of the package.

So when you tell her she’s not BM she will likely not attend and not let her DC attend.

Personally, I’d keep her as a bridesmaid but say you do have to wear the dress and only her kids will be flower girls and if she’s not happy with that you totally understand if she just wants to be a normal guest.

Then ask for her to just meet at the ceremony so she doesn’t get ready with you (make up an excuse like looking after flower girl there) so she isn’t really a part of the day and getting ready. She just walks down the aisle.

And then just forget about her and don’t think of her has one of your bridesmaids! I have been in a similar situ and just made it as undramatic as possible...

She sounds a PITA.

However I genuinely don't see what's wrong with her trying on a wedding dress at your fitting?

Personally, I’d keep her as a bridesmaid but say you do have to wear the dress and only her kids will be flower girls and if she’s not happy with that you totally understand if she just wants to be a normal guest
This is the most sensible advice.

Are your bridesmaids paying for their own dresses?

Op - there are going to be serious consequences for you if you sack her as bridesmaid. Unfortunately your horrible sister is going to make sure she ruins your wedding if you don’t. Either way - you won’t win and you won’t out maneuver her because you give a shit and she doesn’t.
There is nothing you can do to manage or change this.
Also I wouldn’t bank on her children even being allowed to attend... again as above.
Your sister is a bitch.
Sorry op

Really, thatmustbeanangel? It’s very “me me me” on a day when OP understandably wanted the focus to be on her.

OP’s mistake was inviting her to the shop!

I think you need to be a strategic here and think long term. If you demote her or un-invite her, then it’s likely that your mum won’t come to the wedding too. Although that doesn’t necessarily sound like a bad thing given her behaviour too. However, she will probably stop kids attending, which you said were really important to you. I’m assuming the kids aren’t old enough to maintain their own relationship with you?

So what do you want more? The kids in the wedding or the wedding your way? It’s a discussion for you and your partner and when you’ve made that decision you’ll have to stand firm and remind yourself of your decision when you have regrets.

I personally think at this point I’d go no contact with your mum and sister and accept losing the relationship with the kids . Don’t invite either your mum or sister to the wedding and make sure the venue staff are aware that you’re going no contact with your family who will likely turn up and still cause issues. However, that is just my take and you need to do what’s best for you long term. If keeping those kids in the wedding and your life is more important to you long term, unfortunately you might have to put up with your sister’s shit until the kids are old enough to maintain their own relationships with you. She’s probably well aware of your feelings to her kids and won’t be afraid to use them against you to get what she wants. Push back gently on things but think ahead. You know her reactions, so plan yours around what she is likely to do. She wants to change her dress, fine. Find your most agreeable bridesmaid and buy her the same dress your sister picks so she doesn’t stand out. If you have 3 bridesmaids, one will stand out in a different dress but at least it won’t be your sister. I’d also probably say she can invite the boyfriend and his kids if she’s a guest, otherwise he’ll be on his own all the time.

She hasn't even bought the dress as instructed!

Why isn't OP, as bride, supplying the dresses? I wouldn't be happy if I was asked to be a bridesmaid, then instructed on which dress to go out and buy for the occasion!

the bridesmaid dress was agreed by you, you changed your mind after everyone brought theirs .... if you refuse to wear the dress you can always step down as bridesmaid no hard feelings from me it’s your choice.

Yep, tell her that and let her demote herself. And no, she cannot choose a different dress from everyone else to 'solve the problem'

I think you need to think very carefully. You are trying to "make things right" with your wedding - unfortunately your sister has no intention of taking anything less than centre stage even though it is your day. Similarly your Mother is still going to show that your Sister is the golden child and the centre of her attention.
The family dynamic is broken and no-one other than you seems to see this/be prepared to even paper over the cracks for one day.

So yes sack her as bridesmaid. Be prepared for her and maybe even her children no being there. Maybe even your Mother. But surround yourself with those who really love you.
Ultimately she isn't going to totally cut you off from her children - she will still want babysitting and presents etc.

However I genuinely don't see what's wrong with her trying on a wedding dress at your fitting?

How about the fact that this day was supposed to be about the OP, and she was making it all about herself. I imagine this behaviour will continue into the wedding day. I would have left the shop and gone back on my own.

By the sounds of it. The only reason she wants a different bridesmaid dress is so she can look different to the others .
Just tell her what PP's have said, if she wants a new dress she is no longer bridesmaid.
I'd be fuming if someone got engaged at my wedding.
And no boyfriend and 4 kids can't come to the wedding it's not a bloody circus

I just want to say that I’m so sorry for you having read your op. Your sister sounds awful and you need to make sure she does not spoil your wedding. I would uninvite her completely.