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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To despise my FIL

124 replies

Sexnotgender · 25/09/2019 18:03

I’ve never met such a useless, hateful man.

My lovely, selfless MIL was diagnosed with brain cancer 2.5 weeks ago. She’s had surgery and is struggling.

Past couple of days she’s struggled with a chesty cough and we eventually persuaded her this morning that she should see someone.

We phoned oncology and unfortunately they were really busy but suggested we go to A&E. MIL tells FIL she needs to go to A&E.

His response?

But I’m in the middle of my breakfast Angry

I’m not a violent person but I want to smash his selfish face in.

We’re overseas and need to fly home on Monday leaving her with himSad

MILs get a lot of shit on here but mine is just lovely.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sexnotgender · 25/09/2019 18:04

And MIL has been admitted to hospital with pneumonia so really did need to go!

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SuzieBishop · 25/09/2019 18:04

He’s a dick of the highest order. So sorry to hear about your MIL 😓

Time4change2018 · 25/09/2019 18:08

Is there a support network for when you are overseas ? Can she use technology and keep in contact?
She needs a good friend, district / community nurse / Macmillan to keep an eye and support her as FIL is no use

iklboo · 25/09/2019 18:09

He'd have needed A&E himself if he'd made that comment to me. I can imagine my FIL saying something like this.

His wife had throat cancer and was very poorly. They got rid of their double bed 'because she's not up to changing the sheets at the minute'. I asked him why he couldn't do it and he looked at me like I'd asked him if he enjoyed bestiality. No, he couldn't. It's women's work.

fluffyjumper · 25/09/2019 18:10

Could you talk to her oncology nurse, she may be able to do welfare telephone calls.

fluffyjumper · 25/09/2019 18:10

Ps I'm sorry you are all going through this.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 25/09/2019 18:11

She’s got some friends who will drop in and we’re trying to arrange a medical panic button.

We’ve spoken to some friends that are about 10 minutes away and she says there is someone on her complex that would be good to have on the contact list.

That will give us some comfort when we leave that if anything happens she won’t have to rely on him.

I’m concerned that she’ll have a seizure and he won’t be any help.

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Original poster
Sexnotgender · 25/09/2019 18:12

Could you talk to her oncology nurse, she may be able to do welfare telephone calls.

I’ll investigate this thank you.

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Original poster
Sexnotgender · 25/09/2019 18:14

Can she use technology and keep in contact?

DH FaceTimes her most days. She’s not super technologically savvy but gets by.

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crosser62 · 25/09/2019 18:14

This is almost identical to my ils.

Mil was led a dogs life by fil, I cannot stand him. I won’t bore you with stories of his selfish behaviour over the years.

Then she was diagnosed and treated for cancer, underwent awful treatment which was away from home. He used it as a holiday for himself, never once asked her how she was. Got himself off for days out leaving her alone in hospital.

Then she died. Before she died she took him into a room and spoke candidly to him, what was said I don’t know, he wasn’t happy though.
After she died he didn’t seem at all bothered.
He has kind of crawled under a stone and we see him very little, he has no interest in us or our children.

I can’t forget or forgive.

Hadalifeonce · 25/09/2019 18:15

Most local authorities have a careline, which can offer a bracelet panic button, they are better than the lanyard type as they can be worn 24/7.
My mother has one and has used it, first response can usually arrive inside 20 minutes.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 25/09/2019 18:17

Most local authorities have a careline, which can offer a bracelet panic button, they are better than the lanyard type as they can be worn 24/7.

Thank you. She’s not in the UK though. She lives in a gated community which adds complimentary unfortunately.

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Original poster
Sexnotgender · 25/09/2019 18:18

Complications not complimentary!

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NicolaStart · 25/09/2019 18:20

Your DH needs to have a firm clear word with him.
About why his response was not acceptable and what will be needed going forward.

Maybe your DH could tell him that if he is not able or willing to step up he will need to suggest to MIL that she divorce him and sell the house so that she can use her share for a small flat and professional care. Just to put a bat up his nightie.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 25/09/2019 18:22

Your DH needs to have a firm clear word with him.
About why his response was not acceptable and what will be needed going forward.

He wouldn’t listen. He’s always right about everything and listens to nobody else.

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GummyGoddess · 25/09/2019 18:27

Can you arrange for a taxi service to bill you for taxis if she needs to take one?

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 25/09/2019 18:32

Can you arrange for a taxi service to bill you for taxis if she needs to take one?

I’m really not sure.

Will check.

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Original poster
Sexnotgender · 26/09/2019 06:55

Will someone provide me with an alibi if he ends up under the patio?

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BathshebaAndGabriel · 26/09/2019 07:02

Does she have a nurse specialist?

HalloweenTinsel · 26/09/2019 07:03

I'd be concerned FIL would be the one using the taxis, he sounds like he has CF potential.

Hope she gets better quickly

Bluetrews25 · 26/09/2019 13:06

Sure, you were with me all the time.

Katex888 · 26/09/2019 13:25

That’s horrible, your poor MIL. At least she has a nice DIL and DS to help her through this difficult time.

Snowfalling · 26/09/2019 13:44

I'm so sorry about your lovely mil. I don't have anything to add really, except to say I wish women who have spent years supporting and taking care of selfish, uncaring husbands would read your thread and rethink how they wish to live the rest of their lives.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 26/09/2019 15:59

I agree snowfalling. DH asked her the other day if she regrets staying with him and she does. It’s so sad. She’s a genuinely lovely person and he’s a hateful old turd.

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Original poster
Sexnotgender · 27/09/2019 08:34

I’m sorry I’m just moaning now. I wish we could just take her home with us.

MIL was due for a port to be implanted yesterday as she has no usable veins. So she was nil by mouth.

Surgeon pushed back the op until today as no theatre space.

DH and I come in to this news and FIL hasn’t even bothered to go and get her something to eatSad

We nipped to the canteen and got her a cheese and tomato toastie on rye as it’s what she wanted. She’s barely eaten the last 3 days and we figured any food she fancied was fine.

FIL wouldn’t stop bitching about how it was so unhealthy and she should be eating vegetables.

So go and get her some then you lazy arsehole!!

Bear in mind he’s totally obese and eats shite.

What do I find in the fridge this morning? Low and behold he’s made a cheese and tomato toastie! Wonder who it’s for?

MIL has now been taken for surgery and FIL is still at home. DH has been at the hospital for about 2.5 hours already.

I’m staying home as baby and I are sick and so cannot be on an oncology ward.

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