Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To despise my FIL

124 replies

Sexnotgender · 25/09/2019 18:03

I’ve never met such a useless, hateful man.

My lovely, selfless MIL was diagnosed with brain cancer 2.5 weeks ago. She’s had surgery and is struggling.

Past couple of days she’s struggled with a chesty cough and we eventually persuaded her this morning that she should see someone.

We phoned oncology and unfortunately they were really busy but suggested we go to A&E. MIL tells FIL she needs to go to A&E.

His response?

But I’m in the middle of my breakfast Angry

I’m not a violent person but I want to smash his selfish face in.

We’re overseas and need to fly home on Monday leaving her with himSad

MILs get a lot of shit on here but mine is just lovely.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/09/2019 20:27

My heart goes out to you, your dh, your poorly baby and your MIL, @Sexnotgender.

And if you need an alibi - well, you were here, I remember it with absolute clarity!

Weenurse · 29/09/2019 02:31

💐

salsmum · 29/09/2019 02:57

I know you've stated they're not in uk but in uk I do know that hospitals will provide transport to appointments Ir to get patients home if they have life limiting conditions, limited mobility or in dialysis.. it might be worth finding out. Sending Thanksto your poor MIL he sounds horrible. 🤬

TheBouquets · 29/09/2019 03:48

I am so sorry to hear about your DMiL. It must be so hard for you and devastating to your DH.
I will keep a lookout while the patio is being re-arranged.
It might be that you will have to cancel your flights back home.
I hope SiL will be with you soon. How does she get on with FiL?
How is baby now? Hope it is a quick bug or something.
Sending you hugs and thinking of you and your poor DH.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 29/09/2019 04:51

What do you think your FIL will do? Do you think the he'll want to move in with you?

Haha, definitely not! He’s not welcome in our house anymore.

He’ll probably just drink himself to death.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sexnotgender · 29/09/2019 04:56

You guessed right @RainbowCookie, don’t worry definitely in a private hospital Smile she has good medical aid.
It’s incredibly hard being so far away. We’re due to fly home tomorrow and need to decide whether to reschedule our flight. We can’t stay here indefinitely but also can’t go home if she’s only got days left.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sexnotgender · 29/09/2019 04:59

I hope she's well enough to make a will, leaving him the total sum of fuck all.

We helped her get her affairs in order when we arrived. Her daughter has POA too.

Unfortunately she’s too nice and is ensuring he has enough to get by. She has however stopped her estate paying it out in a lump sum as he’d just piss it away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sexnotgender · 29/09/2019 05:01

I know you haven’t mentioned what country they are in for privacy’s sake, but if palliative care means that a hospice have stepped in and taken over, in a lot of countries that means that there will be a dedicated team is caring for your MIL now

I’m not sure how it works here. Will hopefully find out soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sexnotgender · 29/09/2019 05:05

It might be that you will have to cancel your flights back home.

Have to make a decision by 7pm tonight if we’re rearranging flights.
I hope SiL will be with you soon. How does she get on with FiL?

SIL arrived yesterday. She has very little relationship with FIL other than when seeing MIL.
BIL is flying up shortly too and other BIL is trying to get here.
How is baby now? Hope it is a quick bug or something.

Baby is better thank you. Other than teething Confused
Sending you hugs and thinking of you and your poor DH.

Thank you. I’m just heartbroken for DH, he’s so close to his mum.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 29/09/2019 09:39

Hoping the family all arrived in time to say what they need to.
Hugs to all

PrettyPurse · 29/09/2019 11:28

I think you should rearrange your flight. You'll never get these final days back.

I had to when my Nan was terminal. Never regretted it.

Flowers
Original poster
Sexnotgender · 29/09/2019 11:34

We are rearranging. Going to stay another week. Just trying to sort it now.
I’m willing to travel home alone with baby next Sunday if DH needs to stay.

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 29/09/2019 13:57

I know you haven’t mentioned what country they are in for privacy’s sake, but if palliative care means that a hospice have stepped in and taken over, in a lot of countries that means that there will be a dedicated team is caring for your MIL now.

This may not be the case. Even if someone is receiving palliative care they don’t automatically receive hospice care. Someone has to refer them to a hospice for this to happen otherwise the hospice has no way of even knowing about them.

Hangingwithmygnomies · 29/09/2019 14:14

Your FIL sounds like a complete and utter bellend but try not to waste your emotions and headspace on him, although I know it must be hard. You sound full of love for your MIL so save your emotions for her and your DH who will need you Flowers

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 29/09/2019 14:29

Thank you all Flowers

Flights are sorted, staying another week then I’ll definitely go home and DH will decide depending on what is going on.

OP posts:
WizardOfAus · 29/09/2019 15:08

Such depressing, yet unsurprising behaviour. There’s a study about how men are SEVEN TIMES more likely than women to leave a seriously ill partner.... because being a caregiver is not a “traditional” role for men.

It’s as if once their wives become ill, she’s viewed as a machine with faulty parts and she can’t do everything she used to. This, in turn, becomes an inconvenience to men’s lives:

www.oprah.com/relationships/why-men-leave-sick-wives-facing-illness-alone-couples-and-cancer/all

I dream of a world where such bullshit no longer exists.

AlexaAmbidextra · 29/09/2019 22:42

Such depressing, yet unsurprising behaviour. There’s a study about how men are SEVEN TIMES more likely than women to leave a seriously ill partner.... because being a caregiver is not a “traditional” role for men.

Sadly I saw numerous examples of this throughout my years as an oncology nurse. One patient came home from her first chemo session to find a farewell note on the kitchen table. 😱

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 30/09/2019 20:41

Sadly I saw numerous examples of this throughout my years as an oncology nurse. One patient came home from her first chemo session to find a farewell note on the kitchen table.

That’s utterly appalling.

OP posts:
Level75 · 30/09/2019 20:55

My MIL decided to leave my FIL once he'd been moved to palliative care. She didn't in the end but barely visited him in his final nursing home. She also got arrested for drink driving in this period and had to go to rehab. Oh and (it's a bit complicated how) she's changed her will to diddle FIL's children from first marriage out of some of the estate. We're LC but it's hard as she's actually much nicer now he's dead.

RightYesButNo · 01/10/2019 10:32

@AlexaAmbidextra Yes, it will vary widely. Depending on how it works locally, I know of hospices that provide both in-patient and out-patient palliative care. But it could be very different based on location, I’m sure.

But OP, what’s most important is that you’ve said she has good medical aid and that she’s in a good hospital, and I’m sure they’ll take good care of her. Oncology nurses/doctors/aides, as well as palliative care nurses/doctors/aides, are incredibly caring and compassionate people and they’ve always been very supportive of my friends and family. They’ll treat your MIL with kindness and respect.

I’m so sorry for what your DH is going through and hope having SIL and BIL there is some help, and that your FIL has hopefully had the good sense that if he can’t be useful, at least he can be quiet.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 01/10/2019 10:44

I’m so sorry for what your DH is going through and hope having SIL and BIL there is some help, and that your FIL has hopefully had the good sense that if he can’t be useful, at least he can be quiet.

SIL and her husband are absolutely fantastic. BIL is of the opinion that if everyone prays hard enough she’ll be healed... FIL also believes this.

FIL has been relatively quiet. I’m just ignoring any nonsense unless it impacts me or DH.

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 01/10/2019 13:39

Depending on how it works locally, I know of hospices that provide both in-patient and out-patient palliative care.

Yes, I appreciate that. I’ve been a hospice nurse. The point I’m making is that just because someone has entered the end of life stage they won’t automatically receive hospice care, either as an inpatient or at home. The hospice won’t know of their existence unless somebody actually refers them.

RightYesButNo · 02/10/2019 15:18

@AlexaAmbidextra And I worked in a hospice that palliative care patients WERE referred to automatically. Let’s not have a bun fight about how two different hospices operated in a support thread, seriously. I said it varied widely by location because the hospice where I worked wasn’t in South Africa where OP is, so you have information about palliative care in South Africa to share with OP, that would be probably be great!

OP, that’s great about your SIL, but your BIL... hmm. I do think faith has a place and I’m glad it’s a comfort to some people, but I also believe that you can have faith AND be realistic about the future. If the doctor says she has X time to live and FIL and BIL are not doing anything to help you all plan for that future except praying, then that’s just another means of leaving the work to the rest of the family, isn’t it? I’m sure you and SIL and DH are “praying” for some things too - that MIL doesn’t have pain, that you get some help to sort out all the maybe overwhelming nitty gritty real-life aspects of this, that you get some comfort while facing those real-life aspects. And I always find it funny when people who pray for these things are people who act like complete arseholes otherwise, like your FIL.

Sounds like you and DH have a brilliant plan of letting his nonsense affect you as little as you possibly can.

I’m wishing you and SIL and DH and MIL the very best. And hopefully BIL and even FIL (as shit as he might be) shape up a bit at some point, though I know it’s not guaranteed. Prayer is not an excuse for not helping, or an excuse for being selfish.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 02/10/2019 20:20

Thank you @RightYesButNo, faith of course has a place. My DH has deep, beautiful faith. But it’s realistic and kind too, unlike FIL and BIL who are pretty much as fundamental as it gets.

OP posts:
RightYesButNo · 02/10/2019 21:35

OP - I know what you mean. I’ve come in contact with Pentecostal Christians from the US through DH’s family and they’re something else. I have a chronic illness, and I’ve been told it’s my own fault because there must be a spiritual lack in me. Some people make it hard to respect them (probably like your FIL).

How are things going? I know it’s about four days into the extra week you were able to stay. I hope things are a little clearer now for you and DH, to help you make plans.