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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH? Hurtful comment

116 replies

Cakeandballon · 25/09/2019 06:05

So DH and I have been married for 10 years, but we’ve had some problems in our marriage so he’s moved out temporarily. It was our DS birthday last week, I invited a few friends and family round. He said he would come aswell, later that day he sends me a text saying he’s going shopping with his mum to buy a few presents because she wants to give him one, and he said “please don’t cause trouble or an argument over it, we’ll only be 30 mins, say happy birthday and leave”. He’s saying this because his mum and I have never got along, she’s been really horrible to me over the years and I can’t be near her, she gives me anxiety. So I said to him, why can’t you take him out tomorrow and she can spend the day with him? He says no because it’s his birthday today, and we just want to come round and give the gifts. I say “ok, but it’s the last time I’m letting her into my house, and I’m doing it for him”. He then goes “ this is the shit I’m talking about, this is why I’m so happy I don’t live with you anymore. This is the disgusting part of your personality “. AIBU to be upset by this? It hurt me because all I want is for us to live together again. He tried to kiss me goodbye when he was leaving, but I refused because I was upset. I texted him the next day that I was upset by his comment when I put my own feelings aside for DS birthday and let his mum come round, and I want him to apologise. He ignored me all day, then texted back in the evening that he has nothing to apologise for, I’m in the wrong for acting that way. We’re currently not speaking, who is BU?

OP posts:
ThinkerThunkk · 25/09/2019 06:11

Your son is not a toy to be pulled in both directions. He has two parents and with that come two lots of extended family. You have to learn to middle along. So you don't like MIL and you don't want her in your house. So what happens if/when you get back together with your partner? Will it be all the dramatics of I never want to see your mother a gain because it will be his home too and he has a right to see his mother and allow access to her grand child.

He's bringing the childs grandmother for half an hour, you can be in another room, you can avoid her. Or at some point you can get in the same room as her and thrash out your differences. That would be the adult thing.

surlycurly · 25/09/2019 06:11

I think you're contradicting yourself. On one hand you're adamant that you were being the bigger person, but then you're taking shots at him and his mum before he came over which creates tension in advance. You're quite within your rights to not have the woman in your house, but saying that to him before he got there was provocative. Yes he was mean in his delivery but I don't think he was wrong in his sentiment.

surlycurly · 25/09/2019 06:12

And it's a fair point about you getting back together. If you've banned her and you reunite, what then?

ThinkerThunkk · 25/09/2019 06:14

And he wont live with you again until the situation is resolved between you and his mother. It isn't a competition. You get one mother, who he clearly likes and values, but you can have many partners. She isn't going away but ultimately you could be replaceable. Pick and choose your battles.

Chamomileteaplease · 25/09/2019 06:20

If this woman has been horrible to you over the years and gives you anxiety then it was extremely provocative of your husband to bring her to your house and especially to your son's birthday, which is supposed to be a happy occasion. It was bound to cause conflict and he should not have done it.

Your suggestion of her seeing her grandson the next day was perfect and he turned that down.

I am not surprised you are having problems in your marriage. I would use this thread to explore those if I were you.

Strictly1 · 25/09/2019 06:39

It was your son's birthday - it should have been about him not you. Surely you could put on a fake smile for 30 minutes and be the bigger person?
Is your husband staying with his mum. If so, it makes even more sense why she would visit.
I don't think you have a future with your husband sadly.

Nimello · 25/09/2019 06:46

She "gives you anxiety" Hmm

Perhaps you should do something about your anxiety? (And I am no stranger to anxiety), rather than letting it affect your son too?

You were BU, and your husband made a fair point (albeit inelegantly and not very kindly expressed). His comment ahead of his visit suggests that you have form for this kind of behaviour.

I think you need to work out if you do really want to live with him again. If you do, you'd either need to find a way to rub along with your son's grandmother, or you'd have to make a very good case not to (and "she gives me anxiety" is not a good case).

HennyPennyHorror · 25/09/2019 06:48

What has your DH's Mother done to you OP? If you can be a bit more specific we can advise better. Help you get a clear picture. As it stands there's not nearly enough info to form an opinion.

Marnie76 · 25/09/2019 06:52

It’s hard to judge without knowing what the problem is between you and your MIL.
She ignores you, swears at you, is physical and condescending to you - YABNU
You don’t like her voice, perfume, face - YABU

Stompythedinosaur · 25/09/2019 06:55

I would not kiss someone who described my personality as disgusting!

Can't comment on the situation with your mil without more details.

Mary1935 · 25/09/2019 06:56

Hi cakeandballon - you’ve been clear she’s been horrible to you over the years - he’s moved out - it’s your home - you can have who you want or don’t want - he seems unsupportive and doesn’t respect your wishes - has he moved back home to mummy? I’m sure there is other stuff he’s done. Can you go to counselling for your self. Work stuff out for yourself.
Don’t have him back till issues are resolved or understood more.
Good luck.

slipperywhensparticus · 25/09/2019 06:57

He turned down the chance for his mom to spend more time with your son ? Yanbu he threw her in your face and made sure it was an issue

Pinkyyy · 25/09/2019 07:04

Who's house is it? If he owns half the house then I think he's entitled to have his DM come and give birthday presents to her DGC.

Cherrysoup · 25/09/2019 07:06

He shouldn’t have brought her, that was unfair, particularly as you’d offered the following day.

Nottheduchess · 25/09/2019 07:15

You were nasty to him, he was nasty back. I don't see why you're getting upset about it. It's your sons birthday, and you couldn't be civil for the sake of 30 minutes.

CapturedFairy · 25/09/2019 07:15

You should have posted this on the relationships board where other people have had MIL's take their grandchild for their first haircut because they felt like it needed to get cut.

On the relationships board, you are told that loyalty is to your wife before your mother, especially when you have children together.

I think what he did was horrid, he could have seen his son at the party then the next day taken his son out with his Mother. He is being a dick, dancing to her tune bringing her to the house when he knows that no doubt, his spineless continual silence toward her when she was belittling you helped put your marriage in trouble.

DonKeyshot · 25/09/2019 07:16

I texted him the next day that I was upset by his comment when I put my own feelings aside for DS birthday and let his mum come round

But you didn't put your feelings aside, OP. If you had shoved them them in the 'don't go there' box you would have confined your response to what, on the face of it, seems his reasonable request to a simple 'OK' and omitted your pointed dig at his dm re it being the 'last time' you'd let her in 'your house'.

Despite this, he tried to kiss you goodbye and you rebuffed him. You then followed through with a further text today which is all about you and nothing about how good it was to see him/how ds was happy to see him or what a pleasant time was had by all.

If all you want is 'for us to live together again' it's unlikely there'll be any reconciliation unless you demonstrate that you truly are capable of putting your feelings aside on celebratory days. As the adage has it, you'll attract more flies with honey than vinegar.

Out of curiousity, are you living in your own home or are you still residing in the matrimonial home?

flamingjune123 · 25/09/2019 07:19

It was unnecessary to add to your agreement that it would be the last time you had contact with his DM. That smacks of winding up for the sake of it

CiliatedEpithelium · 25/09/2019 07:19

It depends on how badly you have been treated by your MIL OP.

I think YANBU if your DH knows exactly how you feel about his mother. He has deliberately created a flashpoint to press your buttons I would say.

PotteringAlong · 25/09/2019 07:22

To be honest, I think you lost any possibility of him moving back at the point you described it as “my house” not “our house”

BertrandRussell · 25/09/2019 07:25

Impossible to say when we don’t know a) what sort of horrible she has been to you b) how much he knows about how you feel about her and why.

AnyOldPrion · 25/09/2019 07:29

He’s chosen his mother over you. If she has been genuinely unpleasant to you, then he should take your side.

Impossible to judge whether you or his mother (or both) are unreasonable from what you’ve said here, but if he values her more highly than you, your marriage is effectively over.

snitzelvoncrumb · 25/09/2019 07:32

At least you know where you stand. Make plans for birthdays other special days for your children's dad to take them out for a while and not have the visit at your place.

RubbingHimSourly · 25/09/2019 07:35

You need to grow up.

Pull your adult self together and be a role model for your son. All this bitching, point scoring, and causing atmospheres helps nobody. And it certainly won't benefit my son.

BertrandRussell · 25/09/2019 07:36

If she’s so vile you don’t want her in the house for half an hour, why would you let her spend the entire day with your ds?

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