AIBU or is DH? Hurtful comment

[Cakeandballon]

So DH and I have been married for 10 years, but we’ve had some problems in our marriage so he’s moved out temporarily. It was our DS birthday last week, I invited a few friends and family round. He said he would come aswell, later that day he sends me a text saying he’s going shopping with his mum to buy a few presents because she wants to give him one, and he said “please don’t cause trouble or an argument over it, we’ll only be 30 mins, say happy birthday and leave”. He’s saying this because his mum and I have never got along, she’s been really horrible to me over the years and I can’t be near her, she gives me anxiety. So I said to him, why can’t you take him out tomorrow and she can spend the day with him? He says no because it’s his birthday today, and we just want to come round and give the gifts. I say “ok, but it’s the last time I’m letting her into my house, and I’m doing it for him”. He then goes “ this is the shit I’m talking about, this is why I’m so happy I don’t live with you anymore. This is the disgusting part of your personality “. AIBU to be upset by this? It hurt me because all I want is for us to live together again. He tried to kiss me goodbye when he was leaving, but I refused because I was upset. I texted him the next day that I was upset by his comment when I put my own feelings aside for DS birthday and let his mum come round, and I want him to apologise. He ignored me all day, then texted back in the evening that he has nothing to apologise for, I’m in the wrong for acting that way. We’re currently not speaking, who is BU?

Dh is repeating to you the nasty things his mother has been saying to him about you while you've been separated & she's had his undivided attention.
He appears to have no backbone & certainly no respect for you as his wife & the mother of his children. Some men, well a great many of them, labour under the misunderstanding that when they got married they were legally pronounced husband & husband's mummy. "Wife" is an unfathomable concept to them, just a vague idea that it's something to do with where babies come from but mummy doesn't encourage them to dwell on it.
You don't have to give anyone who abuses or disrespects you the time of day, no matter who they are. Tell him to grow a pair & if he can't then wish him & mummy a long & happy life together.

UABVU.

You say you 'put your feelings aside' but you really didn't. You tried to get your husband to choose between seeing his son on his birthday or not because you don't get along with his mother. You made it all about you.
Your husband had a really valid point that it is things like this that make a marriage strained. You don't make a person choose between you and their mother and you don't get a say in whether a father see's his son on his birthday.
Your comment to your husband was the hurtful one. You should be apologizing to him!

For the posters who say I didn't put my feelings aside, how is sitting in your bedroom for 30 mins in YOUR own house so a woman who's been nothing but horrible to me for 10 years could see her DGS not putting my feelings aside for the sake of him?

If you weren't going to be in the same room as her, you could have e.g. asked your dh to take your son out with his mum. That way your son doesn't experience his mum refusing to even be in the same room as his grandmother for 30 minutes. Your MIL presumably does not think the best of you anyway; acting in what can be perceived as a very rude manner is not going to calm that situation down.

So e.g. when dad says "Can't she just come round with me?" you reply "Sorry John, but you know your mum and I don't get on. I think it will be best for John Junior if you take her out. Why don't the three of you go off to the zoo?"

"ok, but it’s the last time I’m letting her into my house, and I’m doing it for him” - and then hiding in your room like a sulky teenager - comes across as confrontative and petty... you don't have to put up with her, but you can refuse to meet her in a more friendly-sounding way, appealing to his reason.

I'm stunned by some of the comments here.

OP has described how shockingly she has been treated by her MIL over the past 10 years. She has been constantly cruel and rude to her, and utterly disrespectful. I don't understand why anyone would feel OP should have to have MIL in her home, even if it is her son's birthday??

OP is not banning MIL from seeing her grandson, she just didn't want her in her home, a fact that her DH clearly knew would be the case since he felt the need to pre-empt it. She offered an alternative of DH taking her son the next day to spend the whole day with MIL - even if that day didn't work, I'm sure OP would have been fine with him taking DS any other time to see MIL....she just didn't want to see her herself!

@Cakeandballon In your shoes I would be just the same and absolutely would refuse to have MIL in my home after how you've been treated. She is welcome to see her grandson anywhere else.

If you weren't going to be in the same room as her, you could have e.g. asked your dh to take your son out with his mum. That way your son doesn't experience his mum refusing to even be in the same room as his grandmother for 30 minutes.

I agree in general that going elsewhere is better, but that wasn't really an option when OP had several family members in the house to celebrate her son's birthday.

She did offer the alternative of DH taking DS for the whole next day so he could see MIL. If it was so important for MIL to see him on his actual birthday, maybe DH could have taken him for the evening and gone to see MIL then, rather than insisting on bringing her to OP's house when he knew it would cause her such stress AND that it would only allow him to see his own son for 30 mins on his birthday?!

Nobody is obliged to kiss their husband, but husbands and wives giving each other a hello or goodbye kiss is pretty normal, and to turn away from him and rebuff sends a clear message.

Indeed it does. It sends the message that she’s not interested in tolerating abuse from her “D”H and MIL any longer.

Well done, OP, for not being a doormat by puckering up and plastering on a fake smile for everyone else’s sake but your own. The man didn’t deserve a kiss so I’m certain you couldn’t had stomached it anyway. I know that feeling well.

Don’t let them gang up on you. Take your power back and keep your kisses for people who treat you with the respect you deserve.

*couldn’t have

Clearly he doesn't care if people treat you badly.

that wasn't really an option when OP had several family members in the house to celebrate her son's birthday.
She did offer the alternative of DH taking DS for the whole next day so he could see MIL.
In future, the adult thing to do would be to have this properly planned in advance, and not just so that only OP's family get to see the little boy on his birthday. His dad should not be begging for 30 grudging minutes with his son.

In future, the adult thing to do would be to have this properly planned in advance, and not just so that only OP's family get to see the little boy on his birthday. His dad should not be begging for 30 grudging minutes with his son.

OP's post didn't read like that to me, I read it as her DH was always coming for the birthday gathering but only at the last minute announced he was bringing his mother, who he knows does not get on with OP and vice versa. And because of that he said they would only stay 30 mins.

He didn't need to do that and could have arranged something himself with his mum for his son's birthday, especially as he and OP are separated.

His dad should not be begging for 30 grudging minutes with his son.

That was the choice HE made. He could have come without his mother and chose not to knowing the issue it would cause. He chose the time frame not OP. He was always meant to come, his mum was not.

She did offer the alternative of DH taking DS for the whole next day so he could see MIL.
In future, the adult thing to do would be to have this properly planned in advance, and not just so that only OP's family get to see the little boy on his birthday. His dad should not be begging for 30 grudging minutes with his son.*

Sounds to me like OP did plan in advance as she had arranged a nice day for her son's birthday. Her DH, on the other hand, hadn't planned any time for his own family to see his son, despite being separated AND knowing the issues between his wife and his mum and that it would cause difficulties to bring them together.

It sounds like you are better off apart. Why do you want to be with a man who you've stated:

Is rude to you
Refuses to acknowledge his mothers poor behaviour towards you
Ignores and downplays the nastiness
Expects you to put up and shut about said toxicness