AIBU or is DH? Hurtful comment

[Cakeandballon]

So DH and I have been married for 10 years, but we’ve had some problems in our marriage so he’s moved out temporarily. It was our DS birthday last week, I invited a few friends and family round. He said he would come aswell, later that day he sends me a text saying he’s going shopping with his mum to buy a few presents because she wants to give him one, and he said “please don’t cause trouble or an argument over it, we’ll only be 30 mins, say happy birthday and leave”. He’s saying this because his mum and I have never got along, she’s been really horrible to me over the years and I can’t be near her, she gives me anxiety. So I said to him, why can’t you take him out tomorrow and she can spend the day with him? He says no because it’s his birthday today, and we just want to come round and give the gifts. I say “ok, but it’s the last time I’m letting her into my house, and I’m doing it for him”. He then goes “ this is the shit I’m talking about, this is why I’m so happy I don’t live with you anymore. This is the disgusting part of your personality “. AIBU to be upset by this? It hurt me because all I want is for us to live together again. He tried to kiss me goodbye when he was leaving, but I refused because I was upset. I texted him the next day that I was upset by his comment when I put my own feelings aside for DS birthday and let his mum come round, and I want him to apologise. He ignored me all day, then texted back in the evening that he has nothing to apologise for, I’m in the wrong for acting that way. We’re currently not speaking, who is BU?

Sounds like more than a temporary move!

He should have discussed it with you, not announced it was happening and put pressure on you to 'play nice'. That sort of approach would put most people on their back foot.

As to if you are being unreasonable, without more info about your MIL it's hard to say. 30 minutes of smiling for the kids sake is something parents and step parents get use to as part of life. If I were you I'd focus on agreeing how you communicate in future, and having grown up discussions.

Frankly I think his comments were nasty, and designed to hurt. You offered a day, instead of 30 minutes. That should have at least been recognised by him, instead he attacked you personally. If you'd said 'that evil witch isn't crossing my doorstep' then I could get why he'd lash out, but you didn't, you suggested a full day so you aren't trying to interfere with her seeing her grandson.

You do sound very young and are not behaving like adults.

Well, if you had invited your friends and family around, but are currently separated from him, I can understand him wanting to come round with someone who is in his corner. Even if your friends and family are lovely to him, I would feel so uncomfortable 'knowing' that everyone knew and that my relationship was the elephant in the room (whether true or not).
Also, if it is a friends and family party, I can also see why he would want his family to be involved. It reads like you planned your DSs birthday without him? So maybe he was just trying to have some form of input and remind you that he is the father and deserves to have a say.
It does sound like you were also trying to exert some control by stating she isn't allowed in your house.

I don’t blame you for being upset, OP. He really enjoyed sticking the boot in with that comment about you being nasty, didn’t he. He was offered the opportunity for his mother to spend some quality time with her DGC but decided to bring her to the house instead, knowing how you feel about her. I’d be pissed of at him too.

As for this crap Despite this, he tried to kiss you goodbye and you rebuffed him. You don’t have to kiss your husband just to keep him happy! Fuck that! It’s also your home, so you’re entitled to say who CAN’T enter it. If you’re already having problems and he knows how you feel about his mother, but still ignores that and makes derogatory comments to make you feel bad about yourself, I wanna personally would tell him to stay at hers, because I wouldn’t want him back.

I’m waiting for someone to ask you to make him a nice hot dinner and give him a foot massage. The lovely ticker crowd have definitely invaded Mumsnet! 🙄

I don't think you're unreasonable for feeling hurt by what he said to you, but he probably feels hurt that you talk about his mum that way. Completely understand your reasons for not wanting her to visit if she has been cruel to you and makes you uncomfortable, but he probably feels it for his mum too. Sorry you're in a rubbish situation

'If she’s so vile you don’t want her in the house for half an hour, why would you let her spend the entire day with your ds'?

Probably because she is not vile to DS. I'm sure collective shit would be lost by some on here if OP banned MIL from seeing DS just because MIL is vile to her.

YABU and you're using your child as a pawn too.

Neither of you behaved particularly well, he dropped this on you, presumably knowing the impact his mum has on you and you were very condescending with the 'its the last time I'm letting her into my house' kind of comment.

If you want your marriage to work you have to accept that his DM comes as part of the package and you need to work together to enable you to handle her. With the backstory, has he had your back or has it been a DH problem more than a MIL problem.

And I maybe making a massive assumption here, but if he's only moved out temporarily does that not mean that technically its his house too?

So the way I see it is that if you want the marriage to work you do probably need to make the first move, not necessarily with an apology but be kind and try and find some common ground here.

I don't mean this unkindly, but this isn't how someone who wants to compromise behaves. I have a very difficult MIL who behaves badly, too, so I know the lasting pain that can cause, and the anxiety of which you speak. But 'anxiety' isn't a catch-all excuse for not trying at all. But sometimes being the bigger person means developing a situation where you have strong boundaries within which you can give a little to the other person. Asking for 30 minutes for a gran to see her grandchild isn't the most outrageous request I've ever heard, and to deny it really sends a strong message to your husband that you're not able or willing to compromise even on little things.

He asked you not to start an argument about it or cause trouble, but that's exactly what you did. It was 30 mins. And is it "your" house? Not his at all?

I'd also agree the split doesn't sound temporary. The two of you clearly don't get along.

I’m surprised at these responses. Plenty of times people post on mumsnet about their toxic mils and they’re told time and time again they don’t have to have contact with them / let the dh facilitate contact etc and here everyone is saying op should just let the mil in her house, during a separation from her dh? Errrr no. I don’t think so. The child could have seen dad on his actual birthday, the dad could have had the following dad with the child and his mum! It’s not like the op is stopping him seeing the mil.

I think your dh sounds a bit controlling and difficult. He knows you don’t like your mil and yet still pushed you into seeing her.

Day not dad obviously.

As they say, you can’t pick family. There are members of DHs family who I really don’t like, but they are his family and if I have to be with them in a social situation I’m friendly and civil. Your mil may have faults, but she’s your DHs mother and he loves her. Maybe you have a personality clash, but whatever the situation if you want to continue with your marriage you have to accept she is part of your life. TBH, you don’t need to even visit with her - your DH can take your dc to visit, but I’m guessing from your post that you don’t want her in your DHs or DCs life either, which is wrong.

It doesn’t sound like he does have anything to apologise for. You say you want to get back together then make a big drama about his mum dropping round a present and refuse to kiss him goodbye then demand an apology??

If you don’t want her in the house then fine but your text was obviously going to rile him!

YANBU OP. You have a boundary set around his mother that you don't see her (I don't know whether that's a reasonable boundary or not but he evidently knows it exists) and he trampled that boundary then called you disgusting.

Are you sure you want him back?

I don't think its about whether the MIL is toxic or not- its whether her DH was nasty or not -or who needs to apologise. And the OP was nasty first- her comment about never letting the MIL in "her" house is provocative and mean- her DH just reacted (and he didn't say her personality was disgusting just a part of it).

OP- are your arguments about your MIL or about other things? if he moves back in what will you do re his mother? you don't have a right to ban his mum from his house. I don't agree that a man should always standup for his wife above his mother- surely it depends on who is in the right? I don't really like ultimatums which is what it feels you are giving- eg you only move back on my terms - can you imagine if he said he didn't want your mother in the house

Sounds like there could be a lot of backstory that would affect whether or not you are being unreasonable 🤔

What kind of horrible has she been? If you gave some examples it would help folk understand and advise you better. A lot of people could say that their PIL gives them anxiety, it's just whether what she's done is bad enough to make that a justifiable reaction and that you're right to ban her from your home.

He asked you not to start an argument about it or cause trouble and you did that passive aggressive thing of agreeing to it being ok, but then making clear with your behaviour that it really wasn't, thus turning it into an argument after all. But it's impossible to say who is being unreasonable without knowing if MIL is just someone you dislike and don't get along with, or whether she's awful and your DH knows how she's treated you and so you were quite right to not want her there.

There's loads of back story here, obviously. But it seems to me that it is you who is contradicted. If you want to live together as a family, then that includes the WHOLE family, not just your side and the three of you. You didn't "put your feelings aside". You acted like a prima donna. I want us to live together but I'm going to withhold kisses if you don't act as I want you to. I am allowed to say nasty stuff about your mum but you shouldn't respond or be hurt by it. Grandma's contact with her grandchild is on my terms. And then you demand an apology for his behaviour?

Sometimes there are things and people in life that you don't like or get on with. Being an adult is about rising above such things and not acting like a demanding two year old, regardless of who is "right".

If all you want is for you all to live together again you need to do some growing up. For a start off, it isn't YOUR house. It is the marital home and if you want a marriage in it then you need to stop banning people because it suits you.

If you are happy that your marriage is over and want to move on, then fine - then you can issue demands about "your home" and start making arrangements for your separate households and contact with your child. But if you actually want to make it work you will have to suck up the fact that there are two partners in a marriage and it's not all about you getting your own way. Honestly, you sound incredibly petulant.

Any chance of a bit of back story ?

OP I have a friend in your situation and what she can't see though is clear to all those of us close to her and her DP is that her firmness that his parents are a no-go because of the anxiety they cause, is a massive problem in their relationship. In addition to that, the keeping DC away from grandparents means that when they do see each other it's overly emotive and grandparents don't always react in the way they could do b/c they feel pushed out. This is where you put on a smile and try and try again. Sure, have boundaries, I'm sure you won't be spending weekends away with them, but you have to accept you have to try and make things right and that won't happen if you avoid because someone whose obviously an important part of your family's life, is just outright avoided. I know it's hard, but I also know it's possible.

It really really depends on how badly she had treated you. Examples?

Agree with suggestion of getting this moved to Relationships.

It depends a bit on the back story with your mil.

I can understand why a grandparent would rather 30mins on an actual birthday that a whole day the next day. Surely you could have just popped out for half an hour?

There wasn’t any need to say anything about it being the last time she’s darkening your door so I’m not sure you’re justified in saying that you put your own feelings aside here. It all depends on the back story though.

Wow so in the space of 24 hrs you’ve insulted his mother, made it an issue over seeing his son on his birthday and then rebuffed his attempt to kiss you. I hope you aren’t pinning too many hopes on getting back together.

However you feel unless the woman is going to actually hurt you mentally or physically it would not kill you to smile and say thank you when your sons grandma brings hima birthday present