AIBU or is DH? Hurtful comment

[Cakeandballon]

So DH and I have been married for 10 years, but we’ve had some problems in our marriage so he’s moved out temporarily. It was our DS birthday last week, I invited a few friends and family round. He said he would come aswell, later that day he sends me a text saying he’s going shopping with his mum to buy a few presents because she wants to give him one, and he said “please don’t cause trouble or an argument over it, we’ll only be 30 mins, say happy birthday and leave”. He’s saying this because his mum and I have never got along, she’s been really horrible to me over the years and I can’t be near her, she gives me anxiety. So I said to him, why can’t you take him out tomorrow and she can spend the day with him? He says no because it’s his birthday today, and we just want to come round and give the gifts. I say “ok, but it’s the last time I’m letting her into my house, and I’m doing it for him”. He then goes “ this is the shit I’m talking about, this is why I’m so happy I don’t live with you anymore. This is the disgusting part of your personality “. AIBU to be upset by this? It hurt me because all I want is for us to live together again. He tried to kiss me goodbye when he was leaving, but I refused because I was upset. I texted him the next day that I was upset by his comment when I put my own feelings aside for DS birthday and let his mum come round, and I want him to apologise. He ignored me all day, then texted back in the evening that he has nothing to apologise for, I’m in the wrong for acting that way. We’re currently not speaking, who is BU?

please don’t cause trouble or an argument over it

So he knew this would cause upset but proceeded anyway because it was what he wanted. I think we may need more background on how this woman has treated you over the years to give a balanced opinion OP. However it seems like you and DP have trouble communicating, is counselling possible for you both to help with that?

Impossible to say without knowing exactly how your MIL has behaved in the past. However it was your son's birthday, should be about him and if you were willing to let him spend a day with them I guess she is OK to him. Therefore you probably should have said yes, but you know how badly she has treated me so if you must bring her here keep it to the 30 minutes, you are welcome to come for longer without her.

Quite surprised at some of the comments on here.

Clearly OP's DH knew there are problems and that it would be an issue to bring his mother, who hasn't been kind to OP over the years. I assume that other family occasions have been managed differently?

I would think in a situation where you're already separated you wouldn't add another spanner into the works like that, when he could have taken his son to see her the next day.

I wouldn’t want someone I couldn’t spend 30 minutes with spending an entire day with my child.....

I think your marriage sounds doomed and you should attend mediation & separation counsellng before you damage your child further.

From what you've said on here OP YABU. The minute your DH mentioned coming round you went on the attack!

Without the backstory for context (which is not compulsory, obviously!) it is hard to say whether it is you being controlling (which can be common with anxiety) or him being provocative.

Either way, this doesn't sound like a relationship that will go the distance but he is going to want to see his child on his birthday.

From what you have written, which is obviously a brief summary of events, it's hard to pinpoint if either of you are BU. It's clearly a stressful time all round, when you are both considering whether you have a future together, therefore tensions and anxieties will be amplified.

Your DH appears close to his Mum, and they clearly want to see your DS on his actual birthday, which is great. You cannot change how your MIL behaves, but you can change how you behave when you are in her company. You could have left them to it, gone in to another room, talked to the other guests, or taken a few minutes to tidy up/ replenish food or drinks etc, or even just popped upstairs for a few minutes breather. You were not obliged to interact with her or remain in her presence. However I'm sure that your DS loved seeing his Dad and his Grandma on his birthday.

I say all the above without knowing if her behaviour has been abusive or not. If her behaviour towards you have been physically or emotionally abusive then obviously the response is different, however I would also be taking steps to protect any children that come into contact with her. So you should definitely not be suggesting that she gets to spend the whole day with him. If there has been abusive behaviour, even if until now it has only been directed at you, you need to be taking steps to protect your DS, particularly if you are moving towards a permanent separation.

Can the posters who take offence at the OP not kissing her husband explain why? Irrespective of the back story we’re clearly missing, we do know a bit about what happened just before the kiss attempt. Why should she be obliged to kiss him at all? Add the comments he had just made about not wanting to live with her and her “disgusting” personality... very attractive, eh. So let’s reward the man for trashing her with a kiss then. Crikey...

HRTFT but one of the upsides to my divorce was not having to have my MiL in my house ever again. You're separated, you should be in control of who enters your house.

I don't think I'd want to be with someone who talked about my 'personality' like that. My depression and anxiety magically faded away once my marriage ended.

YABU from what you've written. It sounds as though you used the situation to take a pot-shot at your DH.

You invited friends and family and his mum is family.

Dropping in for just 30 minutes to say happy birthday and give your DS a gift, sounds like a perfect compromise.

It's not like he insisted his mum stays as long as the other family members.

OP, the more you badmouth his mother, the more he’ll defend her.

Say nothing. Do not mention her name or anything she’s done in the past, unless he brings her up and then just say you don’t want to discuss her.

You will find that the more you leave him to get with no interference, the more she’ll annoy him. If she’s badmouthing you and you are saying nothing about her, who’s coming across as nasty? If she sees your child and you say nothing nasty (just make the arrangement, for half an hour as he suggested, be professional about it) yet she moans about it afterward to him, trying to cause trouble, who’s coming across as nasty?

Seriously, stop taking pot shots and he’ll see that the only person firing is his mother.

If your DS wanted his grandmother there, then you need to be the bigger person here.

You're an adult, and pulling things like "I'm not having her in my house" is childish and petty, tbh.

Your marriage won't be saved with that attitude, I'm sorry to say.

YABVU! He wanted to pop round for the child’s birthday for 30 minutes with the grandmother and you had to have a dig at her. The way he had to warn you not to cause an argument obviously shows you have form for it. Sometimes you have to grow up and put your feelings aside, it was only 30 minutes! No wonder he doesn’t want to come home.

I pity men who have partners like the ones agreeing with you on here. In what way was he controlling, abusive etc. SMH.

It’s hard to say without a backstory. He obviously doesn’t think his mother is in the wrong here so how do you expect strangers on the internet who don’t know either of you to say whether his comment was unreasonable or not?

YABU.

You aren't the sole gatekeeper of your son and it isn't up to you to ban his mother from what is also your husband's home on his son's birthday.

You have obviously made an issue of this before and it sounds as if it is at least a large contributory factor as to why he's moved out. You couldn't stop yourself from making a nasty comment about how it will be the last time she comes and now you wonder why he isn't speaking.

Was your mother there? Maybe your family gives him anxiety-whatever the fuck that is!

You are perfectly entitled not to kiss him but it sounds as if he was trying to leave on good terms.

If I was his friend, I would tell him to run from you as fast as possible

I don’t think you are entirely being unreasonable. He knows that his mother is an issue with you hence him stating not to cause trouble. He decided to please her knowing this would upset you. You offering to let them have the day together vs 30 min was more than a reasonable option. It comes off a bit goady of him to bring her over last minute knowing the upset it would cause you and then turning down an offer of his mum getting a full day with your son, her grandchild. Then when you act the way he knows you would, he becomes nasty. She could have given the gift later. Very few children would be upset not to get a present on exactly their birthday. Then he wants you to play all nice with him afterwards in front of everyone with a kiss as if nothing happened and he didn’t intentionally hurt your feelings and brought someone purposely who has hurt you. Yes, it’s his mum, but he didn’t have to bring her. He chose to only stay for 30 minutes for his own son’s birthday so his mum could come.

He has shown himself and how he really feels. If he isn’t supporting you when it comes to his mum, he is probably never going to so best to really think if you really want this to remain a constant issue in your marriage. Have you two tried counselling to sort things out?

I think you're being unreasonable. He text you waving the white flag and you had to pick at it when he clearly stated he wasn't coming to cause trouble. I understand you not wanting her there but grit your teeth and get on with it - not only in general, but it was a day about the child. Obviously none of us know the reasons behind your split but I can't say I blame him for hitting out and saying that to you.

Bibidy

I would think in a situation where you're already separated you wouldn't add another spanner into the works like that, when he could have taken his son to see her the next day.

^^ this a thousand times. But as always on MN, the little woman must be self-sacrificing and think of everyone but herself.

Women! Be nice!

he clearly stated he wasn't coming to cause trouble.

😂
"I'm not coming to cause trouble, but I insist on bringing my mother along even though I know it will make you uncomfortable. Suck it up, buttercup!"

I do think he was already making the compromise, saying he’d only be there with MIL for 30 minutes. Even if you hate her, you have to concede on this one. If I were you I’d phone DH up and just apologise.

It’s also important as no one will want to put the boot in more than your MIL now he’s been ‘kicked out’ of the house. He will be talking to her. So show him you are more mature than she is.

And I do get it, my MIL has been absolutely awful to me. However, I will have in the house. In fact I’d rather have her for short periods in the house than DH take DS to hers, as that has ended up being very divisive - with MIL bitching about me in front of DS, over spoiling DS, disciplining him inappropriately and using it as a way to cut me out.

It’s better you have MIL be around DS in your house where you are acknowledged at least. If she’s nasty, ask her to leave.

God, it all sounds so petty.

How do people live like this?

Falling out with significant partners. Anxiety. Not getting on with in-laws. Arguments when it's means to be a child's birthday. Horrible words being said to each other.

I don't know anyone who lives like this. You're obviously massively incompatible.

Just split up, move on, and stop making yourselves and everyone around you so miserable.

She wasn't nice though. She was selfish, bitchy and wanting everyone to do exactly what she said.

She thought only of herself, as out of the three of them-mum, dad and kid-only the mum didn't want MIL in house for thirty minutes.

She sounds controlling and nasty and compounds it all by saying the MIL gives her anxiety, which frankly I don't believe. She probably means the MIL winds her up!

I would not tolerate a MIL who constantly undermined me. He shouldn't allow it either. Luckily my DIL is lovely but I'd never undermine her in her own home when I am a guest there. She is my son's choice and I'd accept her. What does she hope to achieve my this behaviour? Splitting you up?
YANBU.

Maybe the MIL had plans for the following day and couldn't just drop them to spend it with her DGS? This all seems very 'last minute' to me, surely you knew the birthday was coming and had time to put 'what if' plans in place?

Yes DH dropped the 'MIL is coming with me' on you, but you had a house full of your own friends and relatives, was she really going to 'give you anxiety' in front of all of them? Or just hand over a present to her DGS and leave? It really wasn't the occasion for having a go, was it?

I think you are point scoring, OP. But I do think your DH was wrong to try to kiss you goodbye when the atmosphere is still so fraught, he should have read the situation better. I think you are both probably better off apart.

I pity men who have partners like the ones agreeing with you on here. In what way was he controlling, abusive etc. SMH.

I have a cordial relationship with my mil thank you very much. I often give her the benefit of the doubt, however my husband, her son, has noticed that she doesn’t treat me or our children the same as those of his siblings. He pointed it out to me where I hadn’t even thought about it only assuming it was just part of the family dynamic. He notices my family treat him like family and talk to him and our children every week even calling at work on their lunch break whereas they only talk to their son when they ring. I convinced him that it wouldn’t be right to not visit his family over Christmas like we’ve been doing for years. That is what it has come to for him. I decided to leave it to him after we visited them last month and I saw on their mantle a grandchildren frame and not only were our sons not in it, but all of their cousins were and the picture was only taken a few months ago.