AIBU or is DH? Hurtful comment

[Cakeandballon]

So DH and I have been married for 10 years, but we’ve had some problems in our marriage so he’s moved out temporarily. It was our DS birthday last week, I invited a few friends and family round. He said he would come aswell, later that day he sends me a text saying he’s going shopping with his mum to buy a few presents because she wants to give him one, and he said “please don’t cause trouble or an argument over it, we’ll only be 30 mins, say happy birthday and leave”. He’s saying this because his mum and I have never got along, she’s been really horrible to me over the years and I can’t be near her, she gives me anxiety. So I said to him, why can’t you take him out tomorrow and she can spend the day with him? He says no because it’s his birthday today, and we just want to come round and give the gifts. I say “ok, but it’s the last time I’m letting her into my house, and I’m doing it for him”. He then goes “ this is the shit I’m talking about, this is why I’m so happy I don’t live with you anymore. This is the disgusting part of your personality “. AIBU to be upset by this? It hurt me because all I want is for us to live together again. He tried to kiss me goodbye when he was leaving, but I refused because I was upset. I texted him the next day that I was upset by his comment when I put my own feelings aside for DS birthday and let his mum come round, and I want him to apologise. He ignored me all day, then texted back in the evening that he has nothing to apologise for, I’m in the wrong for acting that way. We’re currently not speaking, who is BU?

She wasn’t there as your mother in law. She was there as your son’s grandmother on his birthday. You need to learn to accept that relationship.

Thank you all for responding, sorry had to do the school run. I’ve posted about MIL and my marriage on MN before, but for those of you who are asking what MIL has done I’ll try and keep it short.

She has in the 10 years I’ve been married to her son badmouthed me to her family, said her DS could do better, talked about my weight to her family, constantly giving me silent treatments when coming to the house for no reason, talks about how I never cook for her son or iron his clothes( I do, but not as much as she’d like apparently!) She talked a lot about the state of my house when I just had youngest DS 3 years ago, DH was useless and I was really struggling with 3 dcs under 5. It wasn’t dirty, but a bit untidy. I also suffered with PND. It came to a point where I would dread her visits and I would find myself running around the house like a headless chicken trying to clean so she didn’t have anything bad to say. She also favoured DS and didn’t give DD as much attention but we nipped that in the bud straight away and she’s stopped doing that. It all came to a head last year where she called me a useless mother, my kids don’t respect me, I have “no friends/family, I’m nothing” literally anything she could say to hurt me. The thing with her is, she uses people as an emotional dumping ground, anytime she’s not happy with her life she takes it out on you. I’m the easy target because I’m not her daughter. I haven’t done anything to her, would always make her tea when she came round even though I knew she was talking behind my back, and sometimes I would just go to my bedroom when she came visit which was 3-4 times a week! I have gritted my teeth for the last 10 years, and always been nice to her even though she was nasty to me. I feel like he will never understand how deeply his mother has hurt me. No apology, or closure for the last 10 years from her. I know the way he thinks “ it’s only 30 mins, just suck it up” but I feel like I did by going to the bedroom and letting her stay for 30 mins and give her presents to DS. He’s just annoyed by the “ it’s the last time I’m letting her in” comment, but I was angry and hurt that he would bring her round knowing how nasty she’s been to me.

I would not tolerate a MIL who constantly undermined me. He shouldn't allow it either

I do agree but a few of us do have nasty MIL and our DHs aren’t going to change overnight. I’m just warning OP that her offer of DS for a whole day with MIL is possibly asking for more trouble then her coming to the house for 30 mins. The kids shouldn’t be used as pawns no, but if this MIL is not playing fair she won’t stop by just being sweet to your DS, she will love the fact that her DH and DHS are there all together, without you, will relish it. I was naive about this too.

If you and DH are separated honestly the more you can do to keep your DS away from toxic ILs the better. And also let DH see you as the reasonable one and then he might just see his mum in a different light.

I’ve done this, been insistent that it’s fine for MIL to come into our house, and been cordial and polite every single time. DH has stopped insisting he take DS to hers alone, as was the habit when we were separated, and although I’ve no proof I think her constant bitching compared with my refusal to ever say anything nasty has shown him where the problem lies. It also protects my DS in the long run.

You can make MIL more uncomfortable by calling her out, every single time. In a firm ‘you are welcome in the house but I am not having your criticism and arguing in front of the kids, I won’t ever be nasty to you’ repeat repeat repeat and show her the door. Don’t hide in the bathroom.

The alternative of her slagging you off behind your back with a sad DH wanting back up, in front of your kids without you is worse.

“ok, but it’s the last time I’m letting her into my house, and I’m doing it for him”. He then goes “ this is the shit I’m talking about, this is why I put my own feelings aside for DS birthday and let his mum come round, and I want him to apologise.

sorry, cut and paste gone wrong...

Oh well, then, if you're entirely blameless and she's entirely to blame then accept your marriage is over because it doesn't sound as if your husband agrees with your assessment of the situation.

I put my own feelings aside for DS birthday and let his mum come round
You grudgingly allowed her to come round once and never again, making it clear that you hated her. I can see why he wouldn't see that as putting your feelings aside.

Some of these women want a fight, they want their sons to take sides. Don’t let her have that. She’ll hang herself

In that case, OP, that sounds emotionally abusive to me. If anybody else came to your house and treated you like that, I would assume that they would not be welcome back. She may not like you, she may not approve of your parenting, but that does not give her the right to speak to you however she chooses.

I would also be wary of her contact with your DC, particularly as she has already not treated them the same, and appears to have a favourite.

First things first though, you and your DH need to make some decisions about your marriage, and decide if you honestly wish to remain married. Does he behave towards you with honesty and respect? Once you have decided whether to stay together or separate, you can put some boundaries in place WRT your MIL.

I feel like I did by going to the bedroom and letting her stay for 30 mins and give her presents to DS.

Is that how you are planning to handle your son's birthdays for the rest of his life?

He obviously knows that shes been horrible to you so he shouldn't have assumed it would be ok and put you on the spot. Just because shes your childrens grandma dosnt mean you have to be put in an uncomfortable situation when if shed acted nicer and not the way she has then it wouldnt be an issue. If hes not living with you hes not got any right to invite people without asking first. I would make it very clear to him that it's not nasty of you to want peace at your childs birthday. He should really have told her to be nicer you dont deserve to be treated that way.

Seems your ex-H has no boundaries. You are separated so he shouldn't be trying to kiss you.
You are separated so your house is YOUR house, his house is where he currently lives. You are well within your rights to welcome/ban whoever you like into your own house.

I'd see it as a plus to never have to talk to my MIL again if I separated.

I'd roll it back to him: You will not be welcome back into my life until you acknowledge how awful your Mother has been to me for the last 10 years. She is not welcome at my house if we are separated and if if we should get back together, I would expect you to see her at her house, not ours.

Take this separation as an excellent opportunity to go no contact with MIL. Even if you get back together, I'd continue that. You don't need to be disrespected in your own home, by him, his mother or the pope even.

If hes not living with you hes not got any right to invite people without asking first.

^^ this. He's acting as if it's still his home, and it isn't. It's your home now, and you need to be the one to invite people, not him.

He is being horrible to you, his mother is obviously dripping poison into his ear non-stop. If you want the marriage to work you need to go to counselling together. Three children, and she's prepared to fuck up your marriage out of sheer spite :(

He's acting as if it's still his home, and it isn't.
I think the issue here is that neither of them is clear about whether he's still living there or not. It's supposedly only a temporary move; him going somewhere else briefly until they get on better. That doesn't equate to it no longer being his home.

The thing that’s missing in this thread even without the update about how abusive your mil is, is that your husband would rather only spend 30 mins with your ds so that your mil can see him too. Huge red flag for me for the future of your relationship. He is putting his mother not only above you, which of course is wrong, but above your own child.

The difficulty is you want to get back together. If that's the case then you have to show you're willing to work at things. If his DM is a deal breaker then you need to accept that you just can't be together.

I understand she's treated you like shit but for one day you could have just ignored her comments and allowed your DS to see his DG. You could have shown a willingness to compromise on that occasion.
On the flip side, she may have just pushed you to a point where you can't stand her presence near you and you were protecting yourself.

You could in future do things outside of the house for DS, so she never sets foot in your house again? That may be an option.

Of course, you don't have to if you don't feel like it. You may feel like you've been bending over backwards to meet your DH for years and you just dont want to anymore (believe me, been there). It could be that you've been doing that for years and he's gotten used to it. So he's not liking you making a stand for yourself.

I think you need to sit down and think about whether you really do want this. Do you really want to get back together? What can you do to work things out between you? Can you have an honest conversation with him and say 'this really affects me, this makes me so unbearably anxious, can we work something out?' Or 'this needs to change'?

You have to separate these two issues.
First and foremost, you say you want to get back with your husband. So I think you really need to think about how and why you both split up. What would you need to fix for you both to be back together again and how could that be achieved? And if you can't see it happening, then what will you do going forward? what kind of post break up relationship do you want?

The second strand that you have to make decisions about is your blooming MIL. I've seen your previous threads and she does sound awful. You make attempts to please her but this does not stop her nasty behaviour towards you. I get it. But she will still be your DS Grandmother, so you have to decide how you will manage this situation.
But you have to keep the issue of her separate (at least in your mind) to how you deal with your ex. ie, if you want to get back together or manage the separation well for your DCS behalf.
However, I think one of the reasons they were turning up and he was also digging his heels in is because they are both scared. You have the children. They are trying to assert themselves to protect their rights. So there's a conversation right there where you can make a reasonable arrangement with ex and reassure him that you will let him see the children and won't withhold them from him, in return he also has to be reasonable about things.
I feel that both you and your ex started off with good intentions but were suddenly were both on the defensive and it went downhill from there. It might be worth gently pointing out that crowbaring in MILto the situation, when it is a contentious subject is not the best approach whilst things are up in the air. However, you also have to recognise that he is clearly insecure about the children and what his place in their lives will be and at the moment she is a supporter of his. Are your relationship issues due to his MIL's behaviour or are there more problems than that but her behaviour makes it all worse. If it is MIL then he needs to recognise that to move forward you both need to handle things differently and work out how you are going to deal with her.
Also. What is the point in forcing an apology from someone who doesn't see what they did wrong? The "optics" as Washington correspondents like to say, look wrong, he offered to come for just 30 mins.. you were sulky about it and his MIL blunder and provoked a reaction from him. I am guessing that this is a dance that has gone on before.
Instead of an apology, what you need whether you get back together or not is his understanding your point of view and he needs to understand yours. MIL is unlikely to change much, but a calm conversation setting boundaries and insisting that she needs to treat you with civility may go a long way.. At least you would know that he had your back. You are at the end of your tether with MIL and had he just come on his own, do you think, be honest, that the day would have gone off OK? Is MIL really the problem or is there something else?

I don't think the pair of you can get this conversation going in an optimal way on your own atm without getting derailed by arguments. Put the birthday party and demands for apologies behind you and see if you can get someone to mediate between you. best of luck x

This is the disgusting part of your personality

I really don't think I'd want to be with someone who could say that about me. Whatever the rights and wrongs of who might be being un/reasonable, it sounds like your marriage has reached the end of the road. I'm leaning towards your H and MIL being more of the problem than you OP. That kind of consistent undermining from your MIL shouldn't be tolerated by your H. But whichever, the whole situation sounds untenable without a huge amount of work from both of you, and I'm not sure if that would be right.

I pity men who have partners like the ones agreeing with you on here. Women know your place!

I adored my mil and Gil, but they weren’t dicks. We had dramatically different views on lifestyle and religious beliefs, but still respected each other. My husband would never have accepted anyone, including his parents disrespecting me and he certainly wouldn’t have expected me to have people I don’t like, in my home. Unfortunately the OP’s husband is not showing any respect towards his wife’s feelings and that’s obvious.

If his mother was in any way decent she would have stayed clear and saw her DGS another day, especially knowing that her son and DIL are having problems and that her dil doesn’t like her. But she wanted what she wanted and to hell with her dil’s wishes. That says a lot more about the Mil’s selfish personality, than the OP’s.

*my mil and fil

all I want is for us to live together again.

Well, this is a lie, you aren't willing to compromise at all.
And it's nothing to do with women have to be nice, DH has to grit his teeth at family and put up with a cousin who has been horrible to him, for the sake of the rest of the family.
Nobody is obliged to kiss their husband, but husbands and wives giving each other a hello or goodbye kiss is pretty normal, and to turn away from him and rebuff sends a clear message.

If you have seperated then in that situation neither he nor his family should have been allowed. Your DS should have had 2 birthday celebrations

OP your mother in law sounds horrible and I’m not surprised you didn’t want her in your house, but I wish you’d have said no and not let him bring her round!

Tbh the relationship doesn’t sound great and if I were you I’d be telling him it’s over and concentrating on myself and the kids and looking forward to the future, he doesn't sound like he’s very nice to you.

And everything that @MrGsFancyNewVagina said!