AIBU to buy DD(20) new kitchen items?

[devonemumof1]

DD(20) had a horrible experience in her uni house this year - she was bullied and her housemates had a total lack of respect for her belongings - most of the kitchen utensils we bought for her first year have been ruined (snapped, wooden spoons gone mouldy, housemates used knives in her non-stick pans resulting in massive chunks taken out of them), and have had to be binned due to not being suitable to use. DH wants DD to buy new items herself (she has worked all summer, and has some money saved), I think we should buy her some as it wasn't her fault her housemates ruined them and she shouldn't have to pay for their actions - contacting her housemates to ask for replacements is not a possibility. One of her housemates took her crockery and glasses, so she has already replaced them herself, and it feels unfair to make her replace everything. We can afford to, so AIBU to buy her utensils (such as a spatula, wooden spoon, whisk etc)?

YANBU. That would be a really kind gesture and I'm sure she'd appreciate it.

I would buy them with the understanding that she keeps everything in her room this time and only takes out what she needs at the time. A lot of students often keep their stuff locked away and use whatever’s been washed or kept out in the kitchen whether it’s their’s or not - it’s not necessarily always a sign of bullying but definitely inconsiderate behaviour.

Of course buy them if you can afford to! It’s a lovely thing to do, is kind and shows support - plus it pretty minor in the scheme of things (but the kind of thing she’ll remember for years to come as it’s a nice gesture).

What is your DH’d rationale behind not buying them? I hope she’s found better flatmates this year?

Of course she could just replace them herself - she's an adult and learning that people are shitheads and will ruin your stuff if you let them is a valuable life lesson. However, going out shopping together and buying her some new bits to see her off to uni seems like a lovely 'mum' thing to do. That's what I'd do.

DD is in a studio this time, DH thinks she should have stood up to her housemates and stopped them ruining it, taken a stand and kept things in her room. I see where he is coming from, but at one point she was very rarely at uni (due to the actions of her housemates), so couldn't control it (they would go into her room and mess about with things - this wasn't halls, a private house). As she's alone this year he feels her paying for it means they would be hers and it would be a life lesson to teach her

Are you really struggling for money? If not, I’d buy them. She’s an adult but there’s no reason you can’t make a kind gesture.

My mum still does things for me that she doesn’t have to and now I’m an adult I appreciate it far more than when she was obliged to.

She bought me a hoover a few years ago and every time I use it I think of her and it makes a boring task more bearable.

Get her then as a housewarming gift. The £ shop has most of what you need.

We're not struggling, DD has asked me to go shopping with her at the weekend for her to pick up the bits so I may just tell her to let me pay and not tell DH, I doubt it'll be more than a few quid (she's going into her final year and doesn't want to shell out loads)

I agree with your DH tbh. Replacing it all herself will teach her to look after her stuff better. She should have fitted a hasp and padlock to her door.

I think your husband is being too harsh. Perhaps she should have stood up for herself a bit more, but she's still figuring out how to "adult" and her flatmates took advantage of her. I'm sure she has learned a lot from that negative experience.

If you can afford it, I fail to see why you wouldn't help her in this situation. Your daughter is clearly not some lay about who is taking advantage of your generosity. I'm sure she would be very grateful to your help.

I find it weird and disturbing that you even need to ask a forum this question.

I think he’s being a bit tight. If her housemates were raking around in her room then it probably wouldn’t have mattered where she kept her kitchen things.

My mum would often treat me to a weekly shop from Aldi when I moved out at 21 and I was working full time! It’s just nice to do these things now and again.

I’d get them for her, it sounds like she had a dreadful time. Is she ok about going back? Did she take any action against them? Bullying is really unacceptable.

My top is to buy the new things for your own kitchen and pass your existing utensil on to DD. It sounds like she had a tough first year alright - I do feel for her.

A studio will be a haven with everything left where she put it. Having things she's familiar with from home will be like a hug from you every time she picks up a teatowel or whisk. Plus you get to pick nice new stuff you know will be used sensibly.

I highly recommend this for shared student houses, too, as it helps a student child remember what's theirs amongst all the brand new stuff and other people are less likely to snaffle used things.

I did this with towels and even bedding, too.

Of course you can get her them, i wouldn't think twice about it. It's not her fault they were ruined, and it's a nice supportive gesture. It's tough when you're first starting out, and things like that I always really appreciated. I can't wait to do things like that for mine.

I think I'm more nervous than she is, she's going into a studio and has a really solid group of friends now, she agreed to live with her house on a whim to make sure she had somewhere to live, she wants to move on as her mental health was awful for the second half of the year and she's worked on it this summer and wants to move on, so I'm going to let her handle it that way, but she knows we always have a place for her and are willing to help her in any way we can

Is this seriously a thread over whether to buy your dd a wooden spoon and a couple of pans

To whoever suggested it - If she's in a private flat I doubt the landlord would be impressed with her fitting a padlock and hasp to her door - she would probably lose her deposit.

Rather than replacing with new, now is the time to root out your spares and ask your wider friends and family to so the same. Lots of people will have spares they'd be willing to donate.

Save the new stuff for the proper grown up house or flat share.

Good shout becles

Your poor DD, definitely get them for her. It would be ridiculous for her to have kept wooden spoons under lock and key, and what happened with the horrid housemates is in no way her fault.

I wouldn't have discussed this with DH. I often buy household items for our adult DS. It's not that I'm doing it behind DH's back it's just not a conversation we'd have.

"I think we should buy her some as it wasn't her fault her housemates ruined them and she shouldn't have to pay for their actions"
It wasn't the fault of you or your DH either. I would let her replace them and let it be a life lesson for her. She will take care about who she makes them accessible to. She'll wash and dry them up and put them somewhere others can't get their hands on them.

Just because you can afford it, doesn't mean you should replace them. Let her take some responsibility for her life. It will stand her in good stead in later years.

You know what, when your adult offspring has had a bit of a shit time of it, sometimes it's just NICE to buy them something they need.

I'm fairly sure she doesn't need to be taught a life lesson - she's already figured out both the lesson, and solution.

Treat her FFS!

For sure I would do this. She has haf a shit time and has already replaced her own crockery etc.

It's not her fault the stuff got ruined and she doesn't sound like a freeloader.