AIBU to buy DD(20) new kitchen items?

[devonemumof1]

DD(20) had a horrible experience in her uni house this year - she was bullied and her housemates had a total lack of respect for her belongings - most of the kitchen utensils we bought for her first year have been ruined (snapped, wooden spoons gone mouldy, housemates used knives in her non-stick pans resulting in massive chunks taken out of them), and have had to be binned due to not being suitable to use. DH wants DD to buy new items herself (she has worked all summer, and has some money saved), I think we should buy her some as it wasn't her fault her housemates ruined them and she shouldn't have to pay for their actions - contacting her housemates to ask for replacements is not a possibility. One of her housemates took her crockery and glasses, so she has already replaced them herself, and it feels unfair to make her replace everything. We can afford to, so AIBU to buy her utensils (such as a spatula, wooden spoon, whisk etc)?

I think your husband is a little mean.

Sounds like she was bullied, and now she is free she needs a little help.

Ignore your husband and go ahead and buy things for her

Ffs do what you bloody like she’s your daughter!

I think your DH is being petty.

Going out with your DD and buying a few nice things for her new uni room is a nice thing to do.

Definitely get them for her! The poor girl has been bullied but has stuck at it AND worked. She deserves to have some kitchen bits bought for her.

Also I'm 33 and whenever my mum comes to visit and is disgusted by the quality of a utensil or gobsmacked we don't have some bizarre kitchen implement, one inevitably arrives in the post a few days after she goes home

So she had a hard time and your DH wants to hammer home the point she should have dealt with it better? Seems nasty. Just to gently point out that you seem to have trouble standing up to DH the same way DD had trying to stand up to bullies. Is DH a bit of a bully at home?

Of course you - and DH - should get these things for her if you can afford it. She's your daughter.

It's weird that you even have to ask your dh if you can buy a few utensils or that he's so against it. He should've been more concerned with the behaviour of the other girls, not your dd's.

This isnt as though she's carelessly left an ipad or a laptop out for anyone to steal, these are small things that dont cost much, but were hers nonetheless, that have been ruined by inconsiderate flatmates.

She's bought herself new crockery, she gets the picture. A couple of new utensils and one or two pans (Aldi here have a great back to college range) will be cheap and appreciated.

DH is being mean.

Your husband sounds financially abusive. Do you often have to hide your purchases?

Yes, why do you have to ask DH in the first place? I'm really sorry if I have the wrong end of the stick but is he financially controlling in other ways?

It seems to me that DD learned how not to confront people and stand up for herself at home within her own family.

When I left my housemates house she stole an entire crate of champagne /wine glasses.

Then lied about it.

She had ‘borrowed’ them for a work event and I reminded her several times to bring them back.

I then saw some other item of mine she through out lying in the bin (it was a decorative cupcake stand which had lived in the same box as the glasses).

So I knew the glasses had made their way back to the house.

The weirdest thing is, I could hear the clicking of the glasses in her bedroom. I knew she had them.

Then she came out and said “to be honest with you, “we” (as in both of us) broke the glasses - but here have these”.

Handed me two mismatched wine glasses.

Me: “those are your mismatched glasses from the cupboard“

Her: “but you only need two, one for you and one for your boyfriend”

Me: “I had an entire crate”

Her: “To be honest with you, these are all that’s left - don’t you believe me?”

Absolutely bat shit.

It annoyed me so much. It also showed me how crazy she was.

She also stole $1,000 - this is a woman with a good job and a house practically bought and gifted to her by her parents.

The friendship was over after that. I considered it collateral damage of knowing her and never talking to her again.

The thing is, stuff does get ruined when you share it with people.

Your daughter should replace these items herself. She needs to know that people will reck stuff she has worked hard to pay for. You have already learned this lesson - but she needs to as well.

Did you buy her really expensive shit or something? Most students get stuff from Ikea or Asda, how are mouldy wooden spoons actually her housemates fault? (Cue really in-depth explanation... or you could just let your kid get on with it, and buy her new stuff)

I meant threw out not through out 🤦🏼‍♀️

She's 20 years old. The days of

a) teaching her a lesson (or)
b) having to make life fair by replacing things

...have long since sailed (imo).

That doesn't stop it being a very nice gesture to pay for some or all of the stuff. I just would see it as a favour to an adult, rather than a responsibility of a parent, iyswim.

It sounds as though your dh has gone a bit overboard with the whole ‘she’s left home and is now an adult and needs to learn life lessons asap’ thing. Why is she to blame in his eyes for what sounds like poor/inconsiderate behaviour by others (and unexpectedly poor). Why should she have known this was going to happen? She’s not to ‘blame’ at all surely. It’s a hard time for everyone adjusting to change but really !! Students are so susceptible to mental health difficulties it’s really important when she is struggling to help out rather than force her to learn every single bloody life lesson at once at a time of stress anyway.

She’s had a bad time, she’s learning life lessons all the time, sounds as though she could do with some support and small thoughtful loving gestures from you both.

Don’t ask her to lie about you paying for anything. That will teach her an unfortunate life lesson about your relationship with your dh, that you are frightened to spend small amounts to support her, that you feel the need to have his permission to spend small amounts, that he is being hard and mean just when she needs some support.

Good luck op. Hell, I feel like sending her a box of bits and bobs myself !

She has had an awful year so it would be a nice and supportive thing to buy replacements. As someone else has said teaching a 20 yo life lessons - that ship has sailed; AND she was bullied, she didnt lose them all in poker games.

Maybe also get her some sort of lockable cupboard/cabinet/chest or buy a 2nd hand cupboard and put a padlock on it. Hope she has a better year OP.

I’m mid 50s and indépendant with lots of life lessons under belt but fully intend to keep stumbling across more to the day I die. My lovely old late ma to the day she died did little inconsequential supportive things from time to time and me for her increasingly.

I just don’t get this ‘20 = too late for life lessons’ thing or ‘20 = too old for supportive stuff from parents’.

@ElizaDee

Her daughter was trying to look after them, she'd moved them to her room. A friend of mine tried to put a padlock on his door when he was being bullied and they still managed to break in. Bullies are foul, and at university in particular you don't always have much support, especially when you are in a private house.

I'm 35, DM bought me a really lovely new kitchen knife earlier this year because she was out, saw a good deal and knew I'd like it. You can just be nice to your children even if they're adults. I wouldn't be asking my husband's permission either.

My mum still buys me things like utensils now and again and I’m 51! (I do return the favour). Take her to IKEA and offer a contribution of £50 towards replacing the things she needs. That should be enough to cover everything, and then get her a few treats like a nice duvet cover or some cushions. She’s had a rough time of it and it would be nice for her to start her final year on a positive note and ready to work.

I think it’s a sorry state of affairs that you need to check on Mumsnet whether you can buy your daughter some stuff, whatever the reason. If you want to do it, just do it. I’m 50+ and me and my parents and my kids (aged 26+) often all buy each other nice things for whatever reasons.
It’s just being thoughtful. Not everything has to be a lesson in life.

I'm with your DH, I think. Other posters are right that it would be kind of you to buy these things for her, but you would also be infantilising her somewhat and undermining the strength she's shown making it through.

The idea that " it wasn't her fault her housemates ruined them and she shouldn't have to pay for their actions" is ridiculous logic to bolster the idea that you should pay for them. It certainly isn't your fault. She had more control over the situation than you did (which isn't to say it was necessarily much, but she was the one with agency). She has more to gain more from thinking about the cost of those items and what it might have been worth to do things differently than you do and more to gain from understanding that life can be rough and you can still pick yourself up and move on without needing your mum to swoop in and try to pretend she can make it like it didn't happen.

Do something nice with her. Spend time with her. Be a shoulder when she needs it. Offer her helpful advice on dealing with people when she asks for it. Even give her a bit more money partway through as an extra, But don't pay for the items now as though picking up these pieces will make up for not helping her out of the situation at the time. She made it through no doubt with scars, but she made it through. She can make it through this too. because she's strong.

I don’t think it’s infantalising and I don’t think your DD buying a couple of pans and a wooden spoon is a “life lesson”.

I think that her Mum buying her a few bits from Ikea (or wherever) is just a kind and supportive act. She’s had a shitty time with those horrid housemates and as a PP said, she’s hardly been lazy, she’s been working all holidays.

I hope the rest of her time at uni is ace.

I would def help my daughter out. However, I don't think you should ask your daughter to lie ie asking her to not tell her father about kitchen purchases... That is just wrong and puts her in an awkward position and undermines your relationship with your husband.

Why not give her £100 as a gift to help her out for working so hard last year. And she can choose how she spends it?