AIBU to buy DD(20) new kitchen items?

[devonemumof1]

DD(20) had a horrible experience in her uni house this year - she was bullied and her housemates had a total lack of respect for her belongings - most of the kitchen utensils we bought for her first year have been ruined (snapped, wooden spoons gone mouldy, housemates used knives in her non-stick pans resulting in massive chunks taken out of them), and have had to be binned due to not being suitable to use. DH wants DD to buy new items herself (she has worked all summer, and has some money saved), I think we should buy her some as it wasn't her fault her housemates ruined them and she shouldn't have to pay for their actions - contacting her housemates to ask for replacements is not a possibility. One of her housemates took her crockery and glasses, so she has already replaced them herself, and it feels unfair to make her replace everything. We can afford to, so AIBU to buy her utensils (such as a spatula, wooden spoon, whisk etc)?

Are you the person who posted about the group of guys bullying her and the dean having to get involved? If so, is that all sorted now?

@englishrose13 no, not me (DD lived with all girls and the house got to be a very bitchy and horrible environment), I want DD to go higher up but she isn't keen to.

I think I'll buy them while we're out, and tell DH she bought them. It's annoyed me a bit that he's so against buying it for her but I suppose it's one of those things in life

I’m almost 40 - my dm this year alone has bought me a wok, a pasta maker and a knife set... treat her. Not every thing has to be a “life lesson”.

Neither my mum nor my dad would have thought to ask the other whether it was OK to do this. They'd both have just done it. Wooden spoons and spatulas are cheap.

And my DM was one to hoard all the old crockery, pots and pans to pass on to us as students rather than buy new. But in this case - where your DD was effectively bullied in her own home - I am sure she would have just replaced stuff for us.

I literally cannot see what on earth your DH thinks he will "teach" DD about looking after her things that doesn't come with a massive amount of judgement and victim blaming, which she could well do without.

Funnily enough I was in such a similar situation when I was 20! I loved my housemates though, they didn’t ruin my stuff but things just ended up going missing throughout the year, then one of my moving boxes with most of my kitchen stuff got lost.

I paid for all my kitchen stuff with my own money for first year, then needed to repurchase everything for second year. It was so annoying and stressful, I worked whilst at uni so whilst I could afford it - it would have been such a weight off of my shoulders to not have to waste that extra £100-200ish. Let’s be honest the jobs you have whilst at uni never really pay much.

I also cannot believe you need to post about this and why it has to be discussed and dissected with your DH. Treat your daughter and buy whats needed. Yes, she may have had a Summer job but I am sure she will need that money during the year ahead.
I have had 2 at uni, some things were purchased, others were things taken from home. When sharing a house it appears to be quite normal for them to use each others things in the kitchen, hence why mine never had anything expensive or fancy.
When I helped one of my sons move out of his shared house this year I was shocked at the amount of kitchen equipment left behind. Since they had all packed up and left I took as much as I could get in my boot rather than see it dumped. I have now got rather a lot of cutlery , plates and saucepans.
To be honest I am very surprised that she did not have a lock on her door, both mine did in any shared house they had.

I wouldn't pay for all of it because I'm with your DH that she should have taken more responsibility once she knew what was happening eg kept hem in her room.

But as a gesture, I'd contribute to the overall cost/buy her a set of pans or whatever.

YANBU. Does your dh squeak when he walks?

Her room only locked from the inside - so when she was at lectures/home, her housemates could go in - they would go in and move things around and use them while she wasn't there.

DH thinks it will help her mature a little, rather than having her "rely" on us

A studio sounds massively depressing. But honestly, this isnt worth a thread. Just buy her a few bits and pieces and give her some old stuff.

Aww that'd be a nice gesture. Hope your daughter is well shot of the mean girls now.

Some of the replies on this thread are ridiculous.
She is your dd and always will be.
She sounds like a lovely woman who works hard.
NEVER stop treating her!
My parents still to treat us and we appreciate it so much even though we don't need it.
I'm in a position now to treat them back.
They don't need it either but I do it.
I paid for their holiday this year, I felt so pleased!
It's just what loving families do!

You're going to lie to your husband about buying your daughter some bits and pieces for her kitchen after she had a shitty year at university? Christ he must be hard work.

I wouldn't even blink at replacing utensils - you can knock yourself out at Home Bargains for a fiver. Most people I know do this for their kids at university every year- new duvet, towels from home, Primark throws, Home Bargains utensils etc. I have lots of friends with university aged kids and I used to work in student accommodation and I think your husband's attitude is bloody ridiculous.

SeriOusly. Buy them for her. Sounds like she had a really shitty experience.

Ideally in life everyone should have a support structure that helps them when they have difficult experiences. You want to teach your DD a lesson that you should deal with the full financial consequences by herself. What a rubbish society we would have if we didn’t help others out when they were down.

I’m sure your DH doesn’t give to charity because he thinks people should learn a lesson

Just to add to my message:
Knowing my parents have my back ALWAYS has given me a quiet confidence that some of my friends unfortunately don't have.
I'm fiercely independent too by the way.

Oh fucking hell some of this thread is ridiculous. It's her fault because she didn't buy a lock and bolt her door? Her DD has learnt a lesson - some times life is shit.

Buy her the utensils. Don't.lie to DH. Tell him he is being absolutely risky. I think he's the one who needs to learn lesson

I would buy new for my DS no question. Tbh your DH sounds spiteful - especially as she was bullied in her own home where everyone should feel safe.

Yes it would be a nice thing to do. She may be an adult but it is still nice to know your parents and there and they will back you up and care. It isnt like she misused or neglected her stuff and now is demanding you replace her stuff like a spoiled brat. Sounds like she's had a shit time and a small TLC gesture would be really nice.

Do you actually have to ask?

Buy her whatever you want; do not punish her for the actions of others

This thread and the comments are totally mad

Your husband is a knob

It sounds like she's done bloody well to have stuck it out and finished second year. What a vile bunch of housemates.

Not all landlords would allow you to make holes in your door to fit a padlock.

Give her the boost she deserves. Treat her to some nice new utensils she can enjoy using in her own space and tell her how proud you are of her.

I just sent DD1 back for 3rd year with a throw I'd bought and she'd fallen in love with. She didn't ask for it but she spent all summer snuggled in it and I wanted to do something nice for her. I could have taught her some sort of life lesson by keeping it at home because I paid for it so it belongs here but I think I'd rather give her a reason to feel good and think of home when she wraps herself up in it.

DD2(16) is struggling at the moment. DD1 has been sending her postcards with lovely messages about how awesome she is, how much she misses her and promising to take her out when she's next home. I don't feel like she's been short on life lessons.

Teach her a life lesson. The life lesson that her parents care about her feelings and will try to help her if they can. And that she can rely on you.

I’m extremely independent, financially too, not on debt etc - and my parents bought everything for me.

We bought everything for DD to go to Uni. She tried to take good care of it, but similar things happened. When she moved on to do her PhD we replaced a lot of the stuff with new. If my DH had suggested otherwise, he would have been put very firmly in his place! Some years down the line she has really looked after everything and it will be good to move into her first owned home with. Buy her what she needs so she can make a fresh start.

Your DH is proposing to punish her for being the victim of bullies.

Or am I being dim?

Don't tiptoe around your DH and encourage your DD to lie about buying the items herself.

You can both tell him you bought them and use the ensuing conversation as lesson to DD in standing up for herself. You can model assertiveness and not giving a shiny shite about what he thinks or says.