AIBU to buy DD(20) new kitchen items?

[devonemumof1]

DD(20) had a horrible experience in her uni house this year - she was bullied and her housemates had a total lack of respect for her belongings - most of the kitchen utensils we bought for her first year have been ruined (snapped, wooden spoons gone mouldy, housemates used knives in her non-stick pans resulting in massive chunks taken out of them), and have had to be binned due to not being suitable to use. DH wants DD to buy new items herself (she has worked all summer, and has some money saved), I think we should buy her some as it wasn't her fault her housemates ruined them and she shouldn't have to pay for their actions - contacting her housemates to ask for replacements is not a possibility. One of her housemates took her crockery and glasses, so she has already replaced them herself, and it feels unfair to make her replace everything. We can afford to, so AIBU to buy her utensils (such as a spatula, wooden spoon, whisk etc)?

"I think I'll buy them while we're out, and tell DH she bought them. It's annoyed me a bit that he's so against buying it for her but I suppose it's one of those things in life"
So you don't agree with your DH so will do what you want anyway and just lie about it?
Will you then tell your DD she has to lie to her DF when asked about it? Great example you are setting there OP.

DH has woken our house up with a massive IKEA shop for DD, seems he was only being a knob to put us off the scent of this
What a confusing situation 🤣

Hooe your dd has a better year.

Sorry missed the update

😂

That’s good then. 😁

Of course you're not being unreasonable! Your DH is sounding a bit mean. I often buy gifts for my young adult dc, yes they both have their own money but they also have rent and bills to pay, so I like to help them out occasionally. Nothing wrong with that.

Glad he's surprised you both and got the kitchen things for your daughter, I think you'll all feel better putting a line under last year and moving on.

I didn't want to sound harsh saying you're not standing up to him, it was more your comment saying you'd buy them and not tell him, it can't across like you'd have to hide your actions, I realise it's impossible to see family dynamics from a couple of paragraphs.

I would let her think she is paying, so she only buys what she really needs. Keep an eye on what she has spent and give her the cash to cover it.

My mother did this for me one or twice, an absolute life saver. Having a bit more money than expected is such a treat in your early adult years.

Glad it has all been sorted.

FWIW I lived in a private house at uni and had a similar issue. We weren't allowed to fit locks to the doors and housemates would just walk in and help themselves to whatever they wanted. There was very little I could do about it to be honest as I wasn't there at the time. They also stole food and clothes from my room. The landlord refused to get involved.

@yearinyearout Actually he is far from mean 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Glad it’s worked out ok OP! We’ve done this several times in our home m, to cover for presents ordered etc. I hope she enjoyed her final year, ds is in his 2nd but commuting each day, so I have none of this!

I would buy them for my daughter. You say she's in a studio? So no more flat mates? In that instance I would buy her something decent but maybe as an early Christmas present instead.
Unbelievably, JML have brought out an amazing set of non stick pans that you can't scratch and burned food doesn't stick. They're also oven proof. It's the JML Copperstone range.

I would also recommend only buying silicone or plastic utensils too. Metal utensils cause damage to regular pans but plastic don't and work just as well.

For everyone saying this should be a "life lesson" and buy her own - what is the lesson here? that your parents are there just to make you feel worse and that other people's shitty behaviour is entirely your fault? That you're weak and should therefore be punished? This is absolutely bizarre. She's 20, so what? She's your daughter and it's a few quid that you can afford, of course buy them for her!

The life lesson is that you have agency in your own life. That parents offer support (she’s at uni so I assume most of her money comes from them already) but you choose how you direct your resources and when things go wrong you are capable of picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and moving forward without constant reminders of “it was so bad let me just sort this out for you.”.

I would buy them for her, it is a nice thing to do and she will appreciate your support and understanding.

Another PP mentioned that she often buys household items for her son without discussing with her DH as it isn't something they do. This is pretty much my take on life too, my DH wouldn't get too involved in what I buy our grownup DDs (unless it is something huge like a sofa etc! He would want to know then!)

I don't think she needs to learn a life lesson, by the sounds of it life in her first year at uni has already taught her that through no fault of her own. I hope she has a good year this year and that she enjoys living in her studio.

I'm 30 and my mum and dad still treat me to kitchen stuff (cooking is one of my favourite things). Go ahead and get her what she needs. It's a little thing and it makes all the difference.

Lovely update OP! What a great Dad :)

As for the ‘it’s a life lesson’ brigade, just a gentle warning - that has always been the attitude of my ‘D’M and step-dad & the ‘life lesson’ it taught me is that they are not kind, don’t have my back and that I am and always will be a better parent than them. It’s been very useful.

My amazing Dad & SM on the other hand would have supported me all the way and had exactly your attitude.

Both sets of parents are getting on now & no prizes for guessing who I would go to the ends of the earth to support in their old age (& which ones will be shipped off to a home & get a cursory visit every now and then, I imagine it will be a very good ‘life lesson’ for them...).