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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to buy DD(20) new kitchen items?

115 replies

devonemumof1 · 24/09/2019 19:08

DD(20) had a horrible experience in her uni house this year - she was bullied and her housemates had a total lack of respect for her belongings - most of the kitchen utensils we bought for her first year have been ruined (snapped, wooden spoons gone mouldy, housemates used knives in her non-stick pans resulting in massive chunks taken out of them), and have had to be binned due to not being suitable to use. DH wants DD to buy new items herself (she has worked all summer, and has some money saved), I think we should buy her some as it wasn't her fault her housemates ruined them and she shouldn't have to pay for their actions - contacting her housemates to ask for replacements is not a possibility. One of her housemates took her crockery and glasses, so she has already replaced them herself, and it feels unfair to make her replace everything. We can afford to, so AIBU to buy her utensils (such as a spatula, wooden spoon, whisk etc)?

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 25/09/2019 06:46

I wonder how many of the posters saying she should have stood up for herself, etc would have been able to do that. It's not easy when you feel bullied and have already been hurt to be assertive.

I'd pay. It's not going to be loads.

Soontobe60 · 25/09/2019 06:53

Does your DH have a different perspective on what went on with your DD? Maybe he thinks she just didn't take care of her belongings rather than other housemates damaged or stole them?
Neither of my DDs came back from Uni with any of the kitchen stuff they took! Have you seen a communal kitchen in a student house? It's grim! No one washes up, everybody uses everyone else's things, stuff gets broken. Even if your DD is a neat and tidy person at home, doesn't mean they are the same at Uni.
That aside though, each year I gave my DDs £100 for going back to uni to top up what they needed, plus took them for a big shop. I never asked my DH if this was ok!

OP, the very worst thing you could do is tell your DD to lie to her father about you buying these things. That's sneaky to say the least and I would be furious if my DH did this with my DDs and asked them to lie to me.

Just put £100 into her bank and tell her to get what she needs. And tell your DH that's what you're going to do!

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/09/2019 06:53

Sounds like your do doesn’t know how awful women can be to each other. I’d pay and I’m frugal but she’s had a rough year.

You can get an awful lot in the pound shop though, my kitchens a strange mix of Stellar, le crueseut and Poundland Blush

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/09/2019 06:59

Your DH is proposing to punish her for being the victim of bullies.

I was going to say the same thing but see math beat me to it.

I was bullied by my “housemates” when I went to university. I was placed in a house with a bunch of strangers by the university. 2 females, one male. Luckily for me, I didn’t have to take a tenancy agreement and managed to find a place in halls after a term.

My female friend and I then shared with two young women in the second year, who I’d met in halls. They were fine with me although slovenly, wouldn’t put money in the coin meter but would spend ours, spill rice on the floor and not clear up etc. They were all round disrespectful and nasty about my friend (she was just quirky). I didn’t tell her until we left what they were saying about her just that we should move on. Again we left after a term.

I’m sure had we been forced to remain in either of these situations, things would have got very ugly. The first lot were just idiots. Two of them bullied one young woman out within a week because she didn’t want to go out with us every night. I just kind of went along with it because I was too scared to do otherwise. Then one night I said I was tired and would give that evening a miss. That was it. From that moment forward, I was a pariah and they made my life hell.

Your husband has either forgotten what it was like to be this age or didn’t go to university, was fortunate or some such.

As for seeking permission and lying, words fail me. If this is how you husband treats you and you expect your dd to act, no wonder she is unable to stick up for herself. That's my take, based on my “upbringing”.

Ludways · 25/09/2019 07:21

I don't want to sound harsh but it seems you want to do something for your daughter but you don't want to stand up to your husband. Is your daughters behaviour of not standing up to her roommates learnt behaviour from you?

Winterlife · 25/09/2019 07:29

This happened to our daughter as well, though no bullying plus she’s very assertive. I don’t think it occurred because of bullying, just useless roommates.

It’s unreasonable for your husband to think she should monitor roommates when she’s at school.

I would replace the items.

PlatoAteMySnozcumber · 25/09/2019 07:35

Nice bit of victim blaming going on here. Great work guys. Of course she can buy them herself but it’s a nice gesture to do so and buying that kind of stuff for uni definitely comes under the parents remit (unless unaffordable). Your DH is being ridiculously mean about some spoons, pots and pans. We are talking about cook ware for one not providing crockery for a huge event.

Butchyrestingface · 25/09/2019 07:44

Her room only locked from the inside - so when she was at lectures/home, her housemates could go in - they would go in and move things around and use them while she wasn't there.

Sounds horrendous. Did she have it out with them or try to establish some boundaries at the time? Does your husband feel that she’s a people pleaser?

Like PP, I’d buy her new stuff unless there’s some back story about her routinely allowing others to ride roughshod over the top of her.

SuchAToDo · 25/09/2019 07:46

No offence op but your husband is a dick, it doesn't matter what age she is, if she was being bullied then it's not her fault...does he not realise she probably felt afraid in her own home (she had to live with her bullies and not even her room was safe from them going in)

Why does dh get last day on whether you can buy them?...she's your daughter too you should buy them if you want to, and not make DD keep it a secret (and make her feel like she has done something wrong)

Why is he punishing DD for being the victim?...if she gets married and her husband/wife abuses her in the future, will he blame DD again and say she should have stood up for herself more....

Help your daughter, since your husband won't, and show her that at least one of her parents has her back

SuchAToDo · 25/09/2019 07:47

*last say...not last dayBlush

Gatehouse77 · 25/09/2019 07:52

If my DH took that stance then I would find other ways to help out - buying her staples for her food cupboard when she starts. Such as, pasta, rice, noodles, stock cubes, lentils, tomatoes, spices, cereal, pulses, etc. And throw in a few treats - biscuits, crisps, cake.
Then a few utensils would have seemed like a bargain!

which1 · 25/09/2019 08:05

Can't believe some are replying she ought to take responsibility!

You don't choose to be bullied or have much say in it.

Honestly, some of these replies suggest there are a lot of really not very nice people on here.

But for the OP why on earth ask, you're not buying her a Kitchen Aid, it sounds like £20 worth of bits at Tesco or IKEA.

Trewser · 25/09/2019 08:05

So this thread is basically about the OP being so worried about her dhs opinion that she won't buy some wooden spoons.

If this is true, then you need to learn assertiveness which may have helped your dd.

Also, it's incredibly naive to buy a new student loads of lovely new kit and expect it never to get used by others. We gave dd our old stuff for this very reason.

Original poster
devonemumof1 · 25/09/2019 08:24

DH has woken our house up with a massive IKEA shop for DD, seems he was only being a knob to put us off the scent of this Blush

I see why you would think I'm not standing up to DH, but I don't think my question was phrased correctly - I can't change that so I won't, but know I'm the one left feeling like a bit of an idiot

OP posts:
HeronLanyon · 25/09/2019 08:35

op won’t be the first or last thread slightly off-kilter at start. Good for both of you. Good luck to your dd.

JorisBonson · 25/09/2019 08:37

That's nice OP.

I'm 35 and my mum still buys me things like that. It's a nice treat and shows she cares!

SandyY2K · 25/09/2019 08:43

I don't see anything wrong in helping her out.... by giving her some money towards it, but not all.

Butchyrestingface · 25/09/2019 08:49

DH has woken our house up with a massive IKEA shop for DD, seems he was only being a knob to put us off the scent of this blush

GrinGrinGrin

sashh · 25/09/2019 08:50

Thanks for the update OP

saltysam · 25/09/2019 08:50

I think it's a really nice idea. She didn't do anything wrong and couldn't win when she was living with the bullies

Mothership4two · 25/09/2019 09:00

Thanks OP. What a lovely dad!

Herocomplex · 25/09/2019 09:03

Thank for the update, I hope your DD has a great year.

starsparkle08 · 25/09/2019 09:12

Is your husband controlling ?

I think buying your daughter a few utensils is perfectly reasonable . But feel there perhaps more to this on your part with your relationship with your husband as you shouldn’t feel the need to lie about purchasing these items to him . Is this out of fear how he may react ?

starsparkle08 · 25/09/2019 09:13

Sorry just seen last post , thank goodness for that

nettie434 · 25/09/2019 09:19

That is good news devonemumof1. Hope your daughter has a great year and that she enjoys using her lovely new kitchen stuff.

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