To not want people to touch my daughters hair??

[Usernamewillautodestrustin]

So this is culturally sensitive, and I am aware that a lot of people don't realise that it is offensive. But I am getting quite fed up with people thinking it is OK to touch my DD hair (she is 5).

She is mixed race (White and African) and she has BIG curly hair. I mostly keep it tidy in plaits or buns but if I happen to do a style where the curls are free flowing we can not go anywhere without people reaching out and touching her hair. I used to just let it go but now I can see it irritating DD and she physically flinches from people.

I really noticed it at a birthday party last weekend. There were 8 girls, my daughter was the only mixed race and the others were all white. No-one else touched any of the other little girls heads but my daughters hair was constantly felt by the other parents.

I did in the end pull it all back in to a bun to try and minimise it happening but by that time my DD was fed up of being touched by people that were essentially strangers to her.

We spend a lot of time telling our kids that strangers have no right to touch them ANYWHERE, yet my DD sees me stay silent when people are touching her hair.

I know some people will not see the issue with this, but I put myself in her shoes and think how I would feel...it would be awful to have random people touch me.

So advice on the nicest way to tell people not to do it would be greatly received....I do not want to get in to a big racial speech about how these people shouldn't be touching my mixed race childs hair...but I do want them to know it isn't right. I am quite a reserved person but I know I have to start sticking up for her!

Lemon - why can't you touch a black persons hair but you can touch a white persons?

Surely it should be that you shouldn't touch anyone's hair without asking, not just that you shouldn't touch a black persons hair? Adding in the race bit seems unnecessary and makes something race related where it needn't be

It is gorgeous no doubt. Personally I think it is human to touch one another and to say ruffle a kids hair . And on the whole id say that kids like the attention. It certainly is on the continent where on the whole they love kids. But on mumsnet children seem to be viewed as personal property

I agree but I was brought up in a country where it's the norm to pinch children's cheeks.

there are whole comedy sketches and cultural references which surround white people touching Afro hair

There's one in the film Zootopia. "It's so fluffy!" "You can't just touch a sheep's wool!"

It gets my DD every time.

It's a race thing, in this case. I'm an adult with Afro hair and I've experienced this as well from people I know but am not intimate with. Just diving in and ruffling my hair without asking! If they ask to touch (and I know and like them) I may well agree, but coming up and petting me like a dog? No ta.

It's not a race thing in every case. My mixed race dd20 sometimes reaches out to touch others hair and I always remind her, do you like it when people do that to you?

However this is often a race thing and the people denying this, need to step outside of their own experience.

It's a well documented and well known occurrence. It can be done out of ignorance or out of malevolence. Only the person doing it will know which one it is for them.

It is something done that "others" black people in particular but any race with different hair can have felt this.

People really need to stop denying that somethings are about race...

And please note that saying "it is a race thing" is different to saying "it is racism".

One of my DC hates being touched (hugged, kissed, tickled,held by the hand...) by strangers and even by some friends. I just tell people "please don't touch him. He does like it". And if they say anything, i just repeat the same thing. I've also tought DC to say "no thank you" to requests for hugs and kisses.

But anyway this is mumsnet so we will have loads of posters coming on to say that this is not a race thing.

YANBU! I am a white adult with curly hair. People used to touch my hair all the time when I was little and it drove me mad. I would say, in this order

It is a three prong problem. It’s a race thing, because they mention it and they are fetishising black or mixed race hair. It’s a curly hair thing, because people do tend to grab curly hair. It is a power and lack of respect thing, because as people have said its not often they do it to an adult.

It’s the same as adults touching or kissing children without their permission. It’s an abuse of size and power. It really pisses me off. I did laugh at the thought of someone reaching up to try and touch your 6ft6 husband. It just wouldn’t happen would it?

I'm white with long very wildly curly hair, people have been touching my hair without permission since I was a toddler. I'm 43 and it still happens, it happened in the supermarket yesterday, I bumped into an old friend of my DP who thought it was okay to boing a curl right next to my face. It's not ok. If I was you I'd teach my DD to say please don't touch my hair, I don't like it.

I'm as pale white as they come, with a head full of ringlets. People constantly would touch or pull a ringlet and let it bounce back up. I had apparently developed a fierce scowl by the time I was three years old.
It still pisses me off today as an older woman with lots of curls/ringlets. But the only person who does it now is Dd, when she's trying to annoy me.
God forbid it gets wet in the pool, I perfected the head above water swim at an early age. Once wet it's ruins the rest of the day.

embarrassing how many white people are so sure 'it's not a race thing', but I suppose not surprising
I agree with PPs who have said OP can say 'don't touch her'- rather than 'don't touch her hair' as this will make it clearer what they are doing is wrong. Don't say please, don't explain. And maybe do some practise with her so she can say it for herself if needs be.
It is so obviously a race thing but as we see white people will deny that to their last breath so when the focus is on protecting your DD, OP, and modeling assertiveness, I don't think there's any need to try explaining that. Bodily autonomy is reason enough.

loving the "it's not a race thing" comments. This is how it is for women, we relate our real lived experiences and have them dismissed. Well done.

My son is white and years ago when he was a toddler , people were alway touching his curls, It seems to be a thing . It does peter out once they get past the cutesy stage

Well great. But for women and girls of colour it doesn't stop. My friend is from the Bahamas and sometimes she has long plaits, sometimes she lets it 'fro out (her words) but every single time I've been out with her people - mostly men - have touched it. With all the racist comments about how soft, springy, whatever it is. It is shit and it must be called out.

Can't believe anyone is actually denying this is a race issue, this has been discussed at length for quite some years now. Honestly if you are that bloody ignorant please just go and educate yourself it isn't OP, or especially her daughter's job to do that for you, there are plenty of articles explaining why this is a race issue. Sorry some people are knobbers OP, and absolutely tell people not to do it, I think I would say she doesn't like it so please don't.

With comments that you've shared on this last page then yes there is a race element.

Adults pawing over kids with curly hair is as old as time in my experience and not automatically due to race. Making comments about her race and afro hair add a racial element to it.

And this OP is why I also keep my DD’s hair in a bun/plait style unless we’re at home, she’s also mixed with the most beautiful big curly afro hair & both her & me literally hate people even family members touching it. It’s disrespectful & definitely feels like it’s a race thing however unfortunately some people who are fortunate enough to not have to experience this will never understand & will make excuses for it 🙄 honestly you really have to be firm & tell people very firmly do not touch your DD’s hair should they feel offended by that then so be it nobody should ever put their hands on another person/persons hair especially a child

Also agree that it's a curly hair thing. My 3 year old has a huge head of blonde ringlets and her hair is constantly touched, played with and commented on by strangers.

People that are saying it isn't a race thing. Yes it is, Many POC with afro textured have their hair touched. It's invasive, and a total disregard to personal boundaries.

People may know of curly/red/blonde people that have had hair touched, however that's very small minority. It does happen to POC a lot, no one has the right to touch any part of anyone without permission.

OP yanbu. Tell them to stop as it's unwanted touching, especially as she hates it happening

Totally agree with Goodlookingcreature.
My second son had a mass of curly blond hair and almost every woman shook it.
He is in his 30`s and makes a point to keep it very short.
Sad as I am ,I loved it curly.
I actually measured the length of the curls and they pulled out to 5 inches.
He has a DD who has the same curly locks .

I had beautifully silky black hair as a child and it was constantly stroked and messed with. It absolutely infuriated me and definitely led me to hate being touched by anyone which I still have issues with 30-odd years later.
Both adults and children were doing it and I wish I'd stood up for myself and told them to leave my hair alone. I do remember my mum telling people I had nits (I've never had them) just to get them to leave me alone .
I wouldn't dare go up to a child and touch their hair so cannot understand this behaviour at all. I'm not sure it's completely a racial issue but I do remember being told mine was 'exotic' .

People that are saying it isn't a race thing. Yes it is

Of course it is. It's insane how confident (some) white people are in telling people from minority ethnic backgrounds that our first-hand experiences of racism aren't real.

OP, why are you more worried about what people think of you than looking out for your child?

In your shoes, I wouldn't be bothered about staying polite so I'd bat their hand away with a loud 'NO' and embarrass them.
Your child is not an exhibit to be touched and critiqued.

If they try to justify their behaviour, ask them whether it's ok to grab their breasts/crotch, etc?

It might be a curly hair thing but that doesn't stop it being a RACE thing as well. As a previous poster pointed out, listen to the language that's used when they lunge towards the child.

Completely unacceptable!

Of course it is. It's insane how confident (some) white people are in telling people from minority ethnic backgrounds that our first-hand experiences of racism aren't real

Exactly.

It is a race thing, it's is also a curly hair thing. Neither cancels out the other.
Pulling curls while making a comment about race is obviously a race thing.
Pulling mine making a comment about curls is a curl thing.

Thank you to all the ladies attesting this is about race! Yes this happens to white children too, but it does have another level to it when it's done to someone of colour.

Myself and my best friend both have very curly hair - I'm white and she is mixed race. She gets her hair manhandled so much more than I do. People think it's exotic and exciting, especially those who don't know any/many POC. But that doesn't give you a license to go grabbing someones newly moisturised locks.

OP I'm sure your daughter will think you're the absolute bees knees for standing up for her and telling people to keep their sticky fingers to themselves!

I think being firm, and saying no for her everytime will show her it's okay to say no, and help her be able to say it as well. It may be worth talking to her about how she feels about it, and helping her figure out what to say when people do it.

It's absolutely 100% not okay, and feeds directly into the fetishing of people of colour, my best friend is mixed race with beautiful curls, and I've witnessed people touch her curls in a pub or whatever, or ask to touch it as they've never touched mixed hair before. Like she's a bloody sensory experience! Its maddening.