Wifework at work

[fishladder]

Named changed for this but frequent poster.

I am a manager of a large department at work of 15 people. I have a large workload and a lot of responsibilities and I also seem to take it upon myself to do what some might called wifework for the department.

For example, recently a member of the team had a baby. I organised a collection, bought present and card, wrapped present, organised for card to be sent round and signed by everyone and chased up people who needed to sign it, and now am arranging to drop the present off at the persons house and I'm really going to struggle to fit this in. (I work ft and have 2 dcs of primary school age).

Another example- for the last 4 years since I have been there I have organised the Christmas night out. Identified date and venue, collected deposit, paid deposit, collated all menu choices.

I know these things don't seem like massive jobs but they do take time and it always falls to me to do it. It's a thankless task, especially the night out as I can't please everyone and people complain about the Price or the food etc.

The irony is I'd never do that kind of thing at home- dh knows it's his responsibility to remember his mums bday etc. So am I being a martyr at work? Should I delegate?? Ask for volunteers?? Or just stop doing it??

I've noticed that when I've had male managers they have not organised these things. Currently I work for a large organisation and my boss is on the Board, so is often away and doesn't have time (though she loves giving presents and does it herself out of her own pocket).

I delegate all of this crap to my juniors
No headspace to think of this

This happens all the time at my work. Best example was when the CEO announced a Women’s Leadership initiative, as we have almost no senior leaders, and then gave it no funding or resource at all, so the women involved have to do it all in their ‘spare’ time and beg favours.

It’s insidious and irritating.

I had lovely gifts when off on mat leave and was very grateful for it. But my friends organised it for me sure my lovely boss put in more than anyone but did not sort (rightly so). Having said that I had a late miscarriage my boss organised flowers money and a card I still have seven years later. So am sure your team appreciate the thought.

Ok so I thought I would chime in to say my boss is a man and I recently had a baby. I popped into work for a quick hello (I am a senior manager who reports into him) and he didn't even take his arse off his chair to say hi or make nice noises around the baby. The idea of him organising a card or collection is so laughable to me, all these 'nice' things that are extras to the job are delegated to women.
I totally understand the phrase 'wife work' but I also think that if my manager took it upon themselves to get a card signed for me I would feel really pleased. Instead I'm left wondering if I'm even welcome back to my job.

OP, this is something no male manager I've had has EVER done, but several female managers have. And most of all, female admin people do all the time.

You're right, it is wife work (mental load) and you shouldn't be doing it.

Isn't this just the things that managers do?

I'd ask for volunteers for the Christmas night - you might still end up overseeing it but others can do the various subtasks.

My manager always does cards, collections etc. He's the one who's aware exactly when people are leaving, and it's a show of his respect to us that he wants to do it (and knows that the rest of us - in a technical department - are usually bogged down in some minute technical detail and often won't remember. That goes for all of us, male/female/junior/senior!).

@SimonJT are the managers at your workplace predominately male or female?

@fishladder Approximately 65% male 35% female.

So why do it if you don't want to?
No excuses.

You raise a really interesting point OP: is it wifework or is it part of the role of a manager -- had never really thought about it before.

I've always been someone who instinctively shuns that sort of work in a work capacity (as opposed to at home) because I find it a) boring and b) a distraction from the "real" work. But the more senior I have become the more important I have realised it is for all sorts of reasons -- team cohesion, morale, efficiency.

I think if it is seen as wifework it is because if falls under the heading of "non-core" stuff: ie a client is never going to shout at you if an internal birthday card doesn't get bought and sent around and the company is not going to lose business over it.

But increasingly companies are coming to learn the importance of this sort of thing so I think it should not be seen as wifework.

It would really help if more senior men did things like this. I have worked in dozens of companies in two different industries over 20+ years and I can't remember ever seeing a man organise a birthday card or book a team meal.

I guess a progressive company would force the issue by making it part of men's roles...

You take it upon yourself, but are complaining about it.

Can’t help thinking there is an obvious solution....

It's something I would delegate to the team, but maintain managerial oversight of so they know they have your support.

Our Department has a wellbeing team who would organise all of this and keep management updated.

I remember someone telling me years ago as a female manager in a male dominated profession never to do any catering roles (e.g. bringing in buns or cakes to the office, organising meals etc) as it undermines your authority. I always thought it was good advice.

wifework - isn’t that incredibly sexist?

@Iamnotagoddess - it’s the title of a book by Susan Maushart. Read it. It’s incredible. All about the role of women and how we tend to take on roles for our partners, eg household admin, Xmas shopping... eye-opening.

I used to work for a company where we had a birthday calendar on the share drive and we had an agreed budget for the birthday gift of £30. Each person bought for the next person to have their birthday (so my birthday is the 2nd may and I had to buy for a chap whose birthday was 4th June who in turn had to buy for a lady who's birthday was 7th June etc). It meant you weren't forever being asked to find a fiver for a birthday fund and everyone only took responsibility once per year for arranging a card and sending it round. Only time it would ever be a problem is if person b received their gift from person a and then left before person C's birthday, but we had so little churn I never saw this actually happen!

As for the christmas party I quite like doing it but as others have said just delegate - they'll soon stop whining when they see how difficult it is to keep everyone happy!

Usually that's admin supports job & I enjoy it & can do it in my sleep. If you have no admin is there a social butterfly there you can delegate 'team social events & team gifts' too?

@Yabbers I did it enthusiastically at first. But I've now realised How thankless it is and how people seem to take it for granted.

I work with a lady who takes it upon herself to do this all the time. Collections, cups of tea for the guys with biscuits on a tray, helping to arrange social drinks - and although it’s all very charming it’s not within our role and sets the idea among certain colleagues that we function as a PA for them. I’ve never known a male manager organise a collection for someone leaving or go out and buy a card for someone’s baby.... it is always done by a woman. Always. Now I actually don’t mind sharing the responsibility of arranging something like Christmas drinks ( we all pay ourselves) but unless I see Male staff stepping up there’s no way I’m popping jammy dodgers on a china plate and promenading around the office.

Meh. I don't understand. If you don't want to do it, don't.

OK, maybe the baby present is sonething you can't not do. But the Christmas party certainly is. Make it clear you're not doing it. If it's important to your colleagues, they'll step up. If it isn't then they won't and you won't waste your time doing sonething you don't want to do and no one else is bothered about.

Isn't this just the things that managers do?

^^

I have never seen a male manager organise a whip around for a new baby, birthday etc. Never.

@fishladder

That doesn’t stop there being an obvious answer.

@fishladder That sort of stuff really is the admins job. Do you have admins or juniors on your team? If so, DELEGATE! There has to be one of the 15 you manage who is a junior. (Hint - you can delegate it to a male staff member too)

Give them a brief (baby card / Christmas do / etc) and make them do it to a high standard.

'Wife work' really? How sexist.

Just delegate.

100% agree with you!!! It is never male members of staff who notice or implement any of these things. On some occasion a more senior male will ask a more junior member of female staff to do these things.