Wifework at work

[fishladder]

Named changed for this but frequent poster.

I am a manager of a large department at work of 15 people. I have a large workload and a lot of responsibilities and I also seem to take it upon myself to do what some might called wifework for the department.

For example, recently a member of the team had a baby. I organised a collection, bought present and card, wrapped present, organised for card to be sent round and signed by everyone and chased up people who needed to sign it, and now am arranging to drop the present off at the persons house and I'm really going to struggle to fit this in. (I work ft and have 2 dcs of primary school age).

Another example- for the last 4 years since I have been there I have organised the Christmas night out. Identified date and venue, collected deposit, paid deposit, collated all menu choices.

I know these things don't seem like massive jobs but they do take time and it always falls to me to do it. It's a thankless task, especially the night out as I can't please everyone and people complain about the Price or the food etc.

The irony is I'd never do that kind of thing at home- dh knows it's his responsibility to remember his mums bday etc. So am I being a martyr at work? Should I delegate?? Ask for volunteers?? Or just stop doing it??

[IronicalCallSign]

You are mental. There's no way any male boss I've had would do that themselves... Allocate a named person to do, and oversee, yes.. but why on earth is a manager with 15 people under her doing this low level stuff? It's important for team cohesion but it would be considered a seriously odd thing to do this yourself at low level in your position in all of the offices I've ever worked in.

Actually it would probably count against you tbh. It'd be considered a waste of higher skills... If you've time to do this stuff personally, you should be identifying a staff member who's either already good at it to cover it, or give a junior a stretch goal to do it with your support, or even (I've done this) as a way for newer staff to meet more teams or something.

It's like when someone on here posts that they're starting a (e.g.) Head Of Department job and want to make a good impression, and people who have probably only ever been Receptionists or dinner ladies tell them to bake cakes for the team. No man starting a proper professional job would ever think this was appropriate!

[Mammylamb]

Yeah it’s wife work. I notice a colleague in a management role doing the same thing all the time for the dept. never see a man doing it

[IAmALazyArse]

Are women more thoughtful? More organised? They seem to be.

Yes. Because they are taught to be

[ladyratterley]

Most places I’ve worked this kind of thing has been the responsibility of an office manager or receptionist. Is there someone like that you can offload it to?

[Tellmetruth4]

Haven’t read the whole thread but it’s amazing how easy it is to fall into that trap isn’t it?

I was recently sat in a management meeting with about 10 men and 1 woman (she was most senior). She told two of the others to take an action. Neither of them wrote it down (the admin was away) so I almost minuted the action. However, I’m not an admin and am the same grade as most of the others so what almost compelled me to do that whilst every man including those who’s action it was didn’t even flinch? I had to will myself not to do it and fall into the admin/junior role.

[Butterymuffin]

Women not only take more of this sort of thing on, but also feel too guilty to delegate it. Definitely get someone else to deliver the baby gift (the person who lives closest?) Or at least get one of your team to package it up and post it.

[LolaSmiles]

Clearly I have worked in some fairly progressive workplaces.

Our last few work socials were organised by a man who isn't the head of team.
The last 2 maternity collections were done by the women's close friend and a jobshare partner.
Leaving gifts have usually been done by those of us who were closest to those leaving.
We've had working group meetings led by men and they brought biscuits and had the kettle on when we arrived.
One of my current colleagues is a mean baker and he treats his department to cake each half term meeting. I wish i was in that team.

Now I'm starting to feel like I've not worked in a professional environment for years because men and women both do nice things to raise morale.

If you don't want to do it then delegate OP.

[RainingFrogsAndHats]

PMSL at the periodic PPs who think they're making a feminist point by objecting to the word "wifework" .

I'd forgotten this until your thread, OP, but when I was put into a managerial role, and was in my 20s at the time and the only female manager, I made a POINT of not (for example) washing up the cups after meetings, even though it was instinct to do it.

It is very easy to get sucked into these norms, and you're absolutely right to raise it, think about it and take some action.

I do like the point some people have made though that teams that do this kind of stuff (remembering birthdays, gifts for significant events, etc) do promote a team cohesion which is beneficial for the workplace as a whole.

[gingersausage]

Ultimately though, men wouldn’t be on a message board whining because they didn’t get a card and flowers from work when they had a baby either (which I’ve seen in here in the past) so it works both ways.

[Weenabix]

Interesting thread. Those who are saying they make a point of not clearing dirty mugs after a meeting, doesn't a (female) cleaner then end up doing it? What would happen if you said "are you leaving that dirty mug there, male colleague"?

[StoppinBy]

I think you are being a whinger to be honest. You are the manager to organise these kind of things, how you organise to get it done is up to you. Give someone time during work hours to do them or do it yourself but it is not 'wife work' it is part of managing a business that does these things for their workers.

[StoppinBy]

^ that should say 'You are the manager, it is your job to organise these kind of things'

[EBearhug]

You are the manager to organise these kind of things

Is it, though? No one organises cards in our place, and I don't think we're any less cohesive. A Christmas meal may be expected, especially if the employer contributes any funds, but I would be quite surprised if it was actually part of anyone's job role to organise collections and cards for birthdays and so on.

[managedmis]

Sign of the times when you have to explain the term 'wifework' on here repeatedly, too, including the 'for dummies' version

[managedmis]

EBearhug

^^

Exactly. It's not the manager's responsibility. I've never seen a manager's job spec that includes organising Christmas lunches tbh

[meccacos2]

wife work is a terrible name.

These are the shit admin jobs that you don’t want to do - then don’t do them.

I only do them when I want to brown nose and look like I’m more organised/productive than I am.

[CrumpetyTea]

Shouldn't the admin/exec assistant/team assistant do it- its basically team admin?
Xmas party is a lot of work

[PrettyPurse]

I'm not senior at work and l have got into the habit of sorting out all this stuff too..

But... after the complete hassle of the last card l arranged, l have said I'm not being the default person anymore and others can do it. I made it clear that that will probably mean that no one will get anything again if others don't volunteer to do it.

I feel guilty though already that someone who is perfectly nice will miss out on a gift through no fault of their own except that their colleagues don't think to do anything....

But ..l have to stay strong!! Because as soon as l give in again no one will bother.

[mrbob]

Are women more thoughtful? More organised? They seem to be

Or is it just that some women at work seem to think cards and presents are necessary where the majority of men at work in no way expect them or care? Maybe sometimes people put pressure on themselves to do something that is actually not required...

Christmas party- either embrace the planning and enjoy if it is your sort of thing otherwise delegate it!

Some of this is the expectation of wifework but a significant portion of it is self inflicted

Ps am not a Mr despite my username

[mrbob]

Those who are saying they make a point of not clearing dirty mugs after a meeting, doesn't a (female) cleaner then end up doing it?

Why does the cleaner have to be female?! We have a 50:50 split. If people didn't clear up after themselves I would tell them to fucking do it at the time, not stop cleaning up after myself

[Notajogger]

Everywhere I've worked it has usually been an admin person who has taken on these jobs. That, or someone who is close to the person who is leaving etc will volunteer.
Definitely ask for volunteers and if none forthcoming, delegate to junior/admin.

[fishladder]

It's fascinating how there is little consensus on this.

I should say it's a public sector organisation, there is no admin person in the department and we definitely have to pay for our own Xmas do!

[Divebar]

Absolutely- public sector here too. I’ve definitely seen people leave a particular team and it not be acknowledged in any way because (I assume) the team is all male and no ones thought to have a collection or even take them out for a beer. And yes to paying for your own Christmas do.

[VeThings]

Ah, it’s a thankless task to arrange a Christmas do people have to pay for it themselves. Really hard to please everyone and someone will resent the per head price, the venue or menu.

I’d ask for volunteers IF anyone wants to arrange - otherwise not happening. Or just say let’s go to this pub after work in whatever date, no organisation required.

Are you picking up other bits of admin without realising? Eg making notes at meetings? I’ve always made sure note taking is shared equally round the team including the men. Have noticed other depts fall into the trap of giving the same women this task, so have always been determined that I’m not the note-taker simply because I’m female.

[lightlypoached]

I have one word for you: delegation.