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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she wouldn't accept this for her DD

110 replies

brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 16:02

So my MIL knows my OH is violent towards me and very controlling manipulative in front of our kids or who ever is around he's not bothered. So this morning she called me said her own DD had been arguing with her boyfriend whilst on the phone to her and she could hear him swearing and shouting in the background so she told her to put him on the phone and told him to shut his mouth shouting around her grandkids or she will go and take the kids from them...

AIBU to think she's a hypocrite and just because it's her DD being sworn at is different than her DS speaking to his partner (me) the exact same if not ALOT worse!

Does anyone else think that she should just mind her own business and look at her own son before shouting at someone else's son

OP posts:
LemonAddict · 23/09/2019 16:07

Why are you fixating on your MIL?

What plans are you making to get away from someone that is violent, controlling and manipulative in front of your children?

Focus on that and in yourself instead.

BarbariansMum · 23/09/2019 16:08

She's not responsible for her son's behaviour and she is quite right to telling her dd not to tolerate abuse. You dont need to tolerate it either.

Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 16:09

@LemonAddict because she seems to accept this behaviour from her son but not for her own daughter. I don't really see why you would allow your own son to verbally abuse his mrs in front of you and not bat an eye lid but not when it's your daughter on the receiving end

OP posts:
messolini9 · 23/09/2019 16:09

Good grief you are focused on entirely the wrong aspect here. Forget about MiL & her DD, & concentrate on this:

my OH is violent towards me and very controlling manipulative in front of our kids

Why have you not already left OH?

Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 16:10

@BarbariansMum well yeah course but I just don't see how she can say to SIL partner don't speak to her like that in front of my grandkids but wouldn't say that to her own Son about her other grandkids Confused

OP posts:
Wildorchidz · 23/09/2019 16:10

I think you need to continue to focus your efforts on getting yourself and your young children away from that abusive bastard before he kills you. He is doing very serious damage to your children. Forget about his mother.

messolini9 · 23/09/2019 16:11

not bat an eye lid but not when it's your daughter on the receiving end

And what about YOUR children?

Get batting your own eyelids, & get out of there.
You have zero reasons to remain with a man who is violent toward you & abusive & manipultive around his children.

Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 16:11

@messolini9 I've tried many times always fills my head with nonsense how he's changed he will seek help etc never happens

OP posts:
RubbingHimSourly · 23/09/2019 16:12

I don't see why any woman would stay with a man like this. My sympathy lies with your children.

Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 16:12

@messolini9 if I saw my own son ever put his hands on a woman I wouldn't stand by and do nothing!

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 23/09/2019 16:13

I can see your point OP. My ex's mother always stood up for him despite seeing his awful behaviour and she should have known better.

Just focus on getting away from him.

constantlyseekinghappiness · 23/09/2019 16:13

because she seems to accept this behaviour from her son but not for her own daughter

You seem to be accepting this behaviour for yourself and your own children.

Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 16:14

@Wildorchidz I am thankyou already sorting a plan to get away I just don't know how she has the audacity to phone me complaining of her daughters boyfriend when her son is the same

OP posts:
messolini9 · 23/09/2019 16:15

if I saw my own son ever put his hands on a woman I wouldn't stand by and do nothing!

But my dear - your own OH puts his hands on YOU, yet here you still are ... how is it that you would intervene for a hypothetical woman you son is many years from meeting, but won't step up for yourself?

Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 16:15

@Doyoumind thankyou for understanding what my point here is. She has seen him hit me I have called the police but she's always stood up for him my point here is why do you not allow your daughter to be treated like that but you allow your own son to treat someone like that x

OP posts:
ZogorElmer · 23/09/2019 16:16

if I saw my own son ever put his hands on a woman I wouldn't stand by and do nothing!.

But by staying with this man you are teaching your children that it is acceptable behaviour.

Your MIL actions are unfair, but by staying with her son you are also saying you accept it. Why shouldn’t she accept it when you clearly do.

BarbariansMum · 23/09/2019 16:17

You sound very trapped OP and I think what you are doing is a classic distraction technique because the real problem seems to big to solve. If you are not in a position to leave yet, then you could start to get yourself in a position to do so. Squirrel away some money, look for some rl support. Do you have friends and family who would be more clear sighted than your MiL?

You dont actually need his permission to leave so you dont actually have to talk to him about it before you go. Just let him know when you've gone.

messolini9 · 23/09/2019 16:17

I've tried many times always fills my head with nonsense how he's changed he will seek help etc never happens

Forget trying. Implement an action plan, & stick to it.
You know he's talking nonsense, so it doesn't matter what he says.
It's not his decision to make - it's yours.

Please make it, for your own sake, & to stop your children from growing up thinking that violence, abuse, & manipulation are normal.

SquintEastwood · 23/09/2019 16:18

Abusers are very manipulative, they grind their victims down until life without them seems impossible - that no matter how bad things are now they will be just as bad if not worse because better the devil you know and all that.

It's really not as easy to just get up and leave, it often takes many failed attempts before it lasts.

@brokenladyxx take care of yourself and your DC, reach out to someone for help. Your husband has proved that he is not capable of changing for the better - his Mother is probably oblivious to what's going on.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/09/2019 16:19

if I saw my own son ever put his hands on a woman I wouldn't stand by and do nothing! As others have said, you don't seem to have found the same immediate courage when your DS saw his DF lay hands on you.

Take a step back, you are focussing on the wrong thing. Don't let it distract you from your plans to leave! Instead use it to speed up your plans, she won't help you, but you can do this on your own.

Best of luck!

Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 16:21

@messolini9 here is an example about 14 weeks ago he kicked me in my thigh and I had a huge bruise the next day I took photos took my children to nursery and came home was just loading up some things to leave I was heading first to police station then to a refuge and she turned up. Talked me way way out of reporting it telling me to wait a few weeks give him time and space and don't take the kids to one of them places there not nice stay with me. So like a dickhead i let her talk me down I stayed at hers because he refused to leave the house by the time two weeks rolled on I couldn't report the assault because the bruise had gone! And photos wouldn't be enough (been there done it)

Then he finally left the house and let me come back here a few weeks later his mom phoned me saying he's so ill in hospital from the stress of losing me making me feel totally guilty and immediately telling him to come home. Did he change? Absolutely not but one day I will get away from him and whatever his mom says will make no difference

OP posts:
BarbariansMum · 23/09/2019 16:25

Well, you know, you dont have to talk to her, let alone confide in her. It's clear you dont admire her, she's not got your best interests at heart, so just dont involve her in your decision making.

And if you dont want your ds to grow up like his dad then you need to be getting on and getting out.

Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 16:25

@BarbariansMum thanks for your support. Some people live in a crazy world where they think it's just simple to leave. This is my home where all mine and my children's things are I can't just up and leave so easily and start all over again.

I'm going to do the freedom programme and contact the DV helpline for some advice to put a plan in place. I'm bidding for another place so it's less stress for the kids x

OP posts:
Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 16:26

@BarbariansMum it's just having somebody you can trust not to gossip behind your back x

OP posts:
Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 16:27

@SquintEastwood thankyou so much for understanding! I have left many times I always come back or take him back because of one reason or other. I know one day I will make that break and it will be for good xx

OP posts:
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