To think she wouldn't accept this for her DD

[brokenladyxx]

So my MIL knows my OH is violent towards me and very controlling manipulative in front of our kids or who ever is around he's not bothered. So this morning she called me said her own DD had been arguing with her boyfriend whilst on the phone to her and she could hear him swearing and shouting in the background so she told her to put him on the phone and told him to shut his mouth shouting around her grandkids or she will go and take the kids from them...

AIBU to think she's a hypocrite and just because it's her DD being sworn at is different than her DS speaking to his partner (me) the exact same if not ALOT worse!

Does anyone else think that she should just mind her own business and look at her own son before shouting at someone else's son

His mother had you stay at hers so it's a bit unfair to say she's done nothing. It was ultimately your decision to return. You could have started divorce proceedings and seen a solicitor for advice on how to get him out the house

"AIBU thinking my mother is a hypocrite in criticising my grandmother for not standing up for someone vulnerable because the abuser is her son, while she continues to force me to live with my abusive father, because its her husband".

OP, you don't seem to understand. Material possessions like a bed mean NOTHING to children. They would happily be in a refuge on an old bed and not worry about their father's reaction, than be at home on their own bed living in constant fear.

There has been a thread earlier this year by a woman who said he son never forgave her for not leaving his father sooner. Other posters on here said they can never forgive their mother/have a very strained relationship because their mother stayed with their father while both the mother and child was being abused.

Unless you leave now, your children will grow up to hate you and never forgive you for subjecting them to their father's abuse of you. This isn't hyperbole, there are plenty of people's own testimony on this site. Just read for example, Graphista's post of how staying destroys a child.

You are using excuses and putting a bed, toys, and material possessions above your children's mental and emotional wellbeing. Just like if you lose your house in a fire; possessions mean nothing. Children at essence, just want to feel safe at home, and happy. All the beds and toys in the world won't make up for that. You are looking at it in the wrong way. What your children want, is for you to leave, even if that means leaving their bed and some of their toys behind. Those can be replaced. You can't replace a traumatic and unhappy childhood. And you, as a mother, cannot replace their loss of trust in you and the relationship you will have with them destroyed, all because of a misguided sense that children need their 'own bed' and toys. Get out now before your children hate you later on and you lose them in your life for good because they will never forgive you.

Please document everything with the police or doctor every time. It'll be life changing for your DC. It's often hard to leave some one abusive because you know your kids will have to go and you won't be there to protect them. By reporting now you are protecting future them.

Forget your MIL, she's not supportive & has normalised his violence :maybe as it was a factor in her own childhood & marriage. You don't want to subject your kids to this so that they too see violence as normal. What you see as a child in the relationships of your parents sets your 'template' is your pattern you'll follow for your future relationships. You know he won't change. He has no incentive to, as accepting the situation & doing nothing just reinforces that he can get away with his behaviour.

@brokenladyxx
Although I can see why you might want to get away - and some other posters have posted some excellent advice on preparing your escape - it doesn't necessarily have to be you who leaves. Have you received any advice from the police or any other service about seeking a non-molestation order and possibly also an occupation order? A non-molestation order is aimed at preventing your partner or ex-partner from using or threatening violence against you or your children, or intimidating, harassing or pestering you, in order to ensure the health, safety and well-being of yourself and your children. An occupation order regulates who can live in the family home, and can also restrict your abuser from entering the surrounding area. If you do not feel safe continuing to live with your partner, or if you have left home because of violence, but want to return and exclude your abuser, you may want to apply for an occupation order (indeed even if you only obtain a non-molestation order, the effect would be to exclude your partner from the property). I have some experience of this - I'm a lawyer and my firm helps clients of the National Centre for Domestic Violence with applications free of charge. If you ring the National Centre for Domestic Violence (020 7186 8270/0800 970 2070), they will be able to talk you through your situation and refer your case to a law firm who can help you with making an application if you want to do so.

PS Here's the link to the NCDV's website: www.ncdv.org.uk/

Mummyoftribe - that’s so sad. You absolutely did the right thing. I’m so sorry for how horribly it’s turned out for you. No doubt he will do it again too.

@Mummaofmytribe
You did the right thing; it’s heartbreaking.

@brokenladyxx
Yes she’s a hypocrite. Keep on planning. As well as the Freedom Programme look up Shark Cage, it’s really interesting and relevant to you. You know what to do, you just need a little more information to understand why it’s the best thing.

OP - you asked AIBU.
YANBU at all.
We are all concerned about you and the abuse you are suffering. Good luck with the leaving.
DON'T TELL HIM.