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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she wouldn't accept this for her DD

110 replies

brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 16:02

So my MIL knows my OH is violent towards me and very controlling manipulative in front of our kids or who ever is around he's not bothered. So this morning she called me said her own DD had been arguing with her boyfriend whilst on the phone to her and she could hear him swearing and shouting in the background so she told her to put him on the phone and told him to shut his mouth shouting around her grandkids or she will go and take the kids from them...

AIBU to think she's a hypocrite and just because it's her DD being sworn at is different than her DS speaking to his partner (me) the exact same if not ALOT worse!

Does anyone else think that she should just mind her own business and look at her own son before shouting at someone else's son

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/09/2019 16:27

I'm going to do the freedom programme and contact the DV helpline for some advice to put a plan in place. I'm bidding for another place so it's less stress for the kids Good. And the day you do it block her, don't let her drag you back in again!

GingersAreLush · 23/09/2019 16:27

@Wildorchidz I am thankyou already sorting a plan to get away I just don't know how she has the audacity to phone me complaining of her daughters boyfriend when her son is the same

I get it OP that would be too much for me too. I hope you and your children stay safe and get your chance to leave really soon.

SantaIsReal · 23/09/2019 16:27

I understand where your post is coming from i.e. one rule for one and a different for another. I can totally understand why that is frustrating and just plain sickening that she can witness her son abuse his wife but as soon as there is so much as a raised voice at her daughter all hell breaks loose!
However, please focus all your energy and efforts in getting you and your children out of that house. You deserve better and so do your kids. Please do not listen to him or her that he has changed or he was tired or stressed or whatever shitty excuse spills out their mouth.

Hugs to you OP Flowers

Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 16:28

@GingersAreLush thanks very much for your words of understanding! Xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 16:29

@CuriousaboutSamphire I intend to hun x

OP posts:
Tonnerre · 23/09/2019 16:29

So did you ask her why she has these double standards?

Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 16:30

@SantaIsReal yes very frustrating when she is phoning me up about it and I said to her today if my mom was still here she would have something to say about the way he (her son) speaks to me her reply was absolutely nothing...

I am focusing on putting an actual plan in action rather than just taking a bag of stuff and just leaving as that has never worked for me in the past xx

OP posts:
Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 16:32

@Tonnerre her excuse is she cannot say anything to him because he does not listen

OP posts:
flirtygirl · 23/09/2019 16:39

Yep op, focus on your plan. Loads of people on here will not understand and think you should leave immediately. It is not that simple. Get help from women's aid, work through a plan and execute that plan to do it. Just make sure you actually do do it!

You have to be mentally strong not to go back, when you have been worn down by years of manipulation and abuse. Your heart pulls one way even when your head knows not to go back.

Unless the people on this thread have been in this situation, then they know it is not so easy to just leave.

Read up loads on what benefits you are entitled to, save little bits of money each week, make copies of all paperwork, make sure you have all the original important documents and give them to someone you trust. Even get a storage unit if you can afford it and move stuff that he won't miss and bargains that you find that you can use in your new house.

Tell no-one where you are moving to and work on getting that new place, so keep bidding.

Good luck op. Just remind yourself to not tell anyone anything so you can make a clear break.

Also don't tell your kids if he manipulates them, they don't need to be in the middle. Just go with them when the time is right but be honest about the abuse with them so they know later on not to give away your location.
They already know more than you think.

SantaIsReal · 23/09/2019 16:40

@brokenladyxx sounds like he is very much the golden boy who can do no wrongHmm
I think in situations like this people are very quick to tell you to leave but if you don't have anything in place, it ends up a case of going back with your tail between your legs and him having the one up yet again.
I hope you and the kids get out as soon as you're able to and you are safe!x

timshelthechoice · 23/09/2019 16:40

When you stay with a violent and abusive man, that's where they learn that it's acceptable to treat your spouse with abuse. You need to leave your husband.

flamingjune123 · 23/09/2019 16:45

I'd bet a few quid that your partners DM was physically abused by his DF. She thinks it's the normal way to live. I think when it comes to her own DD she is probably spurred into action ( at least verbally) to effect some change as she knows where it will all lead
You are not her blood, she doesn't feel for you
I wish you strength to leave when the time is right

Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 16:50

@flirtygirl your totally right it's not a case or just leaving and never coming back. I have to think of the kids aswell and yes the atmosphere at home is sometimes very horrible for them but at least they can sleep in there own beds in there own environment with there own toys. I will get out when the time comes and when I do I know I will be 100% ready.

I've started looking into housing options already even moving out of my home town and I've started getting rid of stuff on eBay and keeping that money to one side just incase as an get me out of here emergency

Thanks very much for your understanding comment xx

OP posts:
gostiwooz · 23/09/2019 16:52

Is your FIL on the scene? What's he like?

Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 16:52

@SantaIsReal yes exactly it's already happened so many times before. The kids miss there toys or the money runs out and I have nowhere else to stay so of course I always end up back here. As long as I can sort out a new secure home for me and my children I know I can get out of this and away from him and his mom because she just really fuelled the fire by allowing this behaviour all of his life and there never being and consequences for his actions. I have pressed charges twice he just gets a slap on the wrist xx

OP posts:
Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 16:54

@flamingjune123
Yes I think she was hit by his dad that's why she left him but you would think she would be more against this kind of thing having gone threw it herself?

@gostiwooz no he's not on the scene he doesn't know who his father is

OP posts:
Slappadabass · 23/09/2019 16:56

Maybe MIL is scared of your OH and that's the reason she doesn't say anything to him, she's likely been on the receiving end of his temper.

Get rid of him, he sounds like a piece of shit, you and your kids deserve better.

SavingSpaces2019 · 23/09/2019 16:58

I just don't know how she has the audacity to phone me complaining of her daughters boyfriend when her son is the same
I would have said this to her!

I'd be cutting the amount of contact i have with her - she's also abusive and an enabler and you can't trust her with jack shit.

MouthyHarpy · 23/09/2019 16:58

if I saw my own son ever put his hands on a woman I wouldn't stand by and do nothing

Sadly, it's very likely your son will grow up to abuse women, as he sees the example of his father. And he's unlikely to listen to you - indeed, sometimes sons who see their fathers abuse their mothers also abuse their mothers as well.

I know t's difficult to leave, but you need to get your children away from that atmosphere.

conderellainyellakissedafella · 23/09/2019 17:02

To be honest @brokenladyxx with your own kids, it gets personal. I love my ds and (to me, his mum) he can do no wrong Smile and if some bf/ dp etc was screaming at my dd I'd be giving him a piece of my mind. I'd say the mil behaviour is typical.

Septembersunrays · 23/09/2019 17:04

Hi op yes it's utter madness... I can't imagine how frustrating that would be, totally blind. Anyway you know she's barmy and you know you need to leave and not be m.. Talked round... By anyone... Your Mil doesn't care for you at all.

And yes.. Any decent mum would read their song the fucking riot act if they knew he was abusive and that's without adding dc in. Angry

BarbedBloom · 23/09/2019 17:06

It is good that you are working on getting out of there. I grew up in an abusive home and was a victim of the cycle of abuse. I ended up with two abusive men before I finally broke the cycle. Unfortunately the longer you stay, the more likely it is that your son will either become an abuser himself or be with an abusive person. I didn't want warm beds and toys, I wanted safety.

Just ignore your mother. She has warped boundaries and I do wonder if she was abused herself. So she steps in when it makes her think of her own abuse, but won't speak to her son as deep down she is afraid of him

BarbedBloom · 23/09/2019 17:07

Mother in law even

Septembersunrays · 23/09/2019 17:07

Please also, when you escape bear her behaviour in mind re access arrangements.

Ie she has put her son first and not the safety and wellbeing of her gc.

Get evidence etc of bruising.

flamingjune123 · 23/09/2019 17:09

Ok so it sounds as if you know you will separate one day
Why do you have to be the one to leave?
Whose name is on the lease?
I so understand the children wanting to be around all they know

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