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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she wouldn't accept this for her DD

110 replies

brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 16:02

So my MIL knows my OH is violent towards me and very controlling manipulative in front of our kids or who ever is around he's not bothered. So this morning she called me said her own DD had been arguing with her boyfriend whilst on the phone to her and she could hear him swearing and shouting in the background so she told her to put him on the phone and told him to shut his mouth shouting around her grandkids or she will go and take the kids from them...

AIBU to think she's a hypocrite and just because it's her DD being sworn at is different than her DS speaking to his partner (me) the exact same if not ALOT worse!

Does anyone else think that she should just mind her own business and look at her own son before shouting at someone else's son

OP posts:
Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 17:10

@SavingSpaces2019 i totally agree

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Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 17:12

@Septembersunrays I just don't believe how she has the cheek to have a go at someone else's son about there behaviour towards her daughter but can't when it's her own son. Just very confusing of course if my son ever was abusive to anybody be it man or woman for any reason what was unexplainable I would be giving it him left right and centre not just turning a blind eye! Maybe if she got him help as a child for his anger issues he wouldn't be this way now and wouldn't take his anger out on me x

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Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 17:13

@flamingjune123 exactly my point, my name is on the tenancy agreement not his but I know he won't leave not without a fight, I will leave yes but not until I have somewhere secure to go x

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Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 17:14

@conderellainyellakissedafella and what if your son was inflicting the exact same behaviour on his partner? Would you just become oblivious to it or would you also give him a piece of your mind

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Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 17:17

@BarbedBloom yes that probably is the truth of it but I know in my heart as a mother if my son assaulted his girlfriend in front of my eyes I would not stand by and allow it without calling the police if that's what I had to do son or no son.

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supersop60 · 23/09/2019 17:20

Yes, your MiL has double standards. She is not supporting you in any way.
Please work hard to leave. If you stay, your children will start to think that if you think it's ok to stay, then it must be ok to live like that.
You've left before, so please make the next time the last time,

flamingjune123 · 23/09/2019 17:20

He may not leave without a fight but he WILL leave if you involve other services. If you then maintain the support from
Services such as women's aid you could find the strength to keep him out
Could you have a talk with the police to ask how they could assist you when the time is right?

Quartz2208 · 23/09/2019 17:24

You need to call the police and get him out if his name is on the tenancy

Marnie76 · 23/09/2019 17:25

Yes your MIl is a hypocrite.
You say that she was hit by your OHs father. The pattern is now repeating itself maybe because of what he saw.
If you want your children to break the cycle you have to find a way to leave. I understand it’s not easy but by staying your children may see this as you accepting it and think it is normal. If this is this case then it is likely that their future relationships will also follow this pattern.
Please search all possibilities for a way out.

rubyroot · 23/09/2019 17:28

@brokenladyxx it's not simple to leave, it's the classic beaten women's syndrome. Women stay and repeatedly go back until their partner nearly kills them and sometimes it takes that to get the wake up call. But I also appreciate why posters are saying you need to look at the behaviour of your partner and not your mil. If your mil tells her beloved son off, will it help, will it stop a lifetime if abuse. No!

I hope you find the strength to leave the man that is doing this to you and your children, I really do. X

rubyroot · 23/09/2019 17:31

You're displacing your anger at your partner on to his mother. His mother is not your issue. If his mother changes her behavior it will have no impact on your life.

SunshineCake · 23/09/2019 17:33

Why is it worse ? You should leave him, she should leave him. All grow up too. Including the MIL who seems to think she's some kind of matriarch Hmm.

Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 17:33

Surely if she didn't show she accepts this behaviour by watching him hit me and the situation escalating and not calling the police herself he thinks there is no consequences to his actions? And why is it ok for her own son to be that way but not someone else's son to be that way to her daughter

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Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 17:36

@SunshineCake because I'm pretty sure her Son in law swearing in the background of a phone call is no where near as bad as seeing your own son slap his girlfriend straight across the face outside your house and then making them go back inside the house 'so the neighbours can't see' where it escalates and then not doing anything to help the girl like calling the police is definitely on a whole other scale. But because it's her son the abuser she is ok with that

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Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 17:38

@rubyroot yes maybe your right I just think her ringing me to tell me she had a right go with her son in law over him swearing at her daughter is double standards

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FatBottomGirls · 23/09/2019 17:39

Why not do better for yourself and LTB? You don't need her acknowledgment of the abuse to do that

SunshineCake · 23/09/2019 17:40

All very dramatic. Poor kids.

QueenofPain · 23/09/2019 17:41

OP, you are an adult, you need to be your own rescuer, if you wait for MIL to make a stand for you it might never happen. This line of mental enquiry isn’t worth wasting your energy on.

Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 17:42

This post isn't about the abuse it's about the fact his mother tolerates him being the abuser but does not like her own child being abused! Then calling me to moan about her daughters boyfriend swearing in the background of a phone conversation infront of her grandchildren

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GiveMeHope103 · 23/09/2019 17:44

Well she is being a hypocrite but you are one too. You have more control over your minor sons environment than she has over her adult son. You have photo evidence of the assault , previously calling the police and a tenancy in your name then you have more to work with in leaving him. She isnt responsible for your son, you are.

Septembersunrays · 23/09/2019 17:46

She is what she is and she's shown her true colours. She cares for her dd she doesn't care for you and nor her gc.

You know this now. Get everything ready to leave.

GiveMeHope103 · 23/09/2019 17:47

then dont pick up the phone or entertain any conversation. You would do something if your son hit someone but you wont do anything to change the environment that your son might pick that up from. getting angry at her isn't your solution. why cant you call the police and have him removed from the home?

AcrossthePond55 · 23/09/2019 17:47

Yes, it's wrong. Yes, she's a hypocrite.

But that's neither here nor there. Your focus needs to be on getting out. Quit devoting mental energy to her, or to anything/anyone else. You're using it as a distraction tool to hinder your own escape.

Original poster
brokenladyxx · 23/09/2019 17:54

I give up with this thread already I am already aware of the abuse what is going on. I was asking if I'm being unreasonable for thinking why she accepts it from her son but doesn't accept it for her daughter

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GiveMeHope103 · 23/09/2019 17:56

To answer your question yanbu. But what/how does that help you? She isnt going to change the situation for you.

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