To think she wouldn't accept this for her DD

[brokenladyxx]

So my MIL knows my OH is violent towards me and very controlling manipulative in front of our kids or who ever is around he's not bothered. So this morning she called me said her own DD had been arguing with her boyfriend whilst on the phone to her and she could hear him swearing and shouting in the background so she told her to put him on the phone and told him to shut his mouth shouting around her grandkids or she will go and take the kids from them...

AIBU to think she's a hypocrite and just because it's her DD being sworn at is different than her DS speaking to his partner (me) the exact same if not ALOT worse!

Does anyone else think that she should just mind her own business and look at her own son before shouting at someone else's son

Usual amount of clueless victim blaming is nice to see on here 🙄. I don’t know why anyone would bother posting on Mumsnet as a victim of domestic violence any more. Some posters think that the kicking you’re getting at home isn’t enough, so they’ll give you another one on here as well. It’s bloody shameful.

@conderellainyellakissedafella, I honestly can’t believe you admit to agreeing with the MIL’s philosophy. We’re always led to believe that these crazy women who think their precious little prince can do no wrong are a MN myth. Guess not.

My (ex) mil told me (word for word)
‘Well x’s father used to beat the crap out of me-it’s now his turn’
While I was sat with a broken cheekbone clumps of hair missing and a chipped tooth

I just think some women are blind to their sons

This is heartbreaking. Your poor children. Nobody in their lives is advocating for them.

And yes. Your son is more likely to become an abuser. And your daughter is at a higher risk of being abused. And you tutting away in the corner when it happens will be to little to late.

Are you still claiming benefits as a lone parent OP? If so you need to declare he is living with you. Please don't add more stress to your life by making fraudulent claims.

She accepts his behaviour as she brought him up, just as you accept the behaviour and because of the "normalising" of this behaviour, your daughter is now caught up in this abusive cycle.
You need to take action and not blame MIL

I just don't know how she has the audacity to phone me complaining of her daughters boyfriend when her son is the same

why didnt you ask her? next time she brings it up just ask. "how is your Son in law behaving like that any different to your son doing it?" also why would she threaten to remove one set of grandchildren but not the other.

if I saw my own son ever put his hands on a woman I wouldn't stand by and do nothing!
Yet you're teaching your son it's normal and ok to do just that by staying. Stop focusing on your MIL and get away from a man who thinks it's acceptable to be violent to their DM.

Keep on keeping on op.

Keep to your plan and leave.

One day you will be free of him, keep that day in your head and make it sooner rather than later.

I left for my kids, I went back for me then I left and stayed away for my kids.

You will get there.

Surely if she didn't show she accepts this behaviour by watching him hit me and the situation escalating and not calling the police herself he thinks there is no consequences to his actions?

@brokenladyxx I am so sorry for all you have suffered, & urge you to put your faith into third party services again. Women's Aid, SS, police ...

Meantime, your thinking is still skewed by the experience & situation you are in. It is utterly immaterial if MiL accepts her son's shitty behaviour or not. She's not responsible for it. She can't change him. You can't change him.
The only person responsible for hitting you is him.

The question you should be asking is not "who can address his behaviour" - but "why am I with a man who refuses to behave reasonably?"

@brokenladyxx YANBU and this (along with te oher behaviours you have noticed) tells you something else
DO NOT EVER TRUST THIS WOMAN ANYMORE THAN YOU TRUST YOUR H.

sorry about the shouting but she is basically protecting her dc no matter wjat and when yoou will leave, she will do everything in her power to take you down because youve dare hurt one of her dcs.
Dont tell her ANYTHING about your plan or even what your H is up to unless you know you will be able to use that to your advantage.

Prepare yourself, get some help in RL. victims of DV takes several attempts to be able to break free, juts like you did. But I am confident that with the right support you will get away and get rid of that man.
Hang on there!

This post isn't about the abuse

It damn well should be sweetheart.
One day - when you are free of the FOG, you will see this more clearly.
outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

Btw, I don't think that your MIL would be able to hold accountable for what he is doing. If she wasnt tolerating his behaviour, he would just hide it :(

She has just shown her true colours about what sh thinks is acceptable and what takes priority for her (and no it's not protecting people from harm)

"yes the atmosphere at home is sometimes very horrible for them but at least they can sleep in there own beds in there own environment with there own toys"

Op I'm sorry but I'm coming at this from the perspective of having been in the position your kids are.

Own bed etc is meaningless, I'd have happily slept in a new bed and left everything behind if it meant not living in that atmosphere!

Not feeling like throwing up when I heard dads key in the door

Not feeling terrified every time mum or me or my siblings did something "wrong" that would make dad kick off - that included spilling things or breaking things accidentally.

Not clock watching because I knew if mum was even 5 mins "late" getting in from work or even shopping or something equally innocent dad would lose it, starting with accusations of her cheating and escalating to doubting our paternity.

Hoping mum would make a dinner he wanted each evening even if if it were something we hated as that meant a peaceful evening.

Having to time whether to ask for something as simple as a signature on a school permission slip so as to not anger him - if we asked too soon "why are you bothering me with this now it's not happening until..." "Why have you left it till now to ask?!"

Having to judge whether we thought we could "get away" with putting music on or watch a "kids" programme or if he was in a "bad mood" and it wasn't worth the risk.

Not ever being able to have friends call on you as he was so unpredictable (but then he'd also use that to make out we'd no friends)

So yea, I'd have happily slept in a different but SAFE bed than live like that!

"I didn't want warm beds and toys, I wanted safety." See?

As the tenancy is in your name you can have him removed. If you are (as I suspect from comments) in social housing, many have depts that deal specifically with dv situations and can help to either remove him (and change locks and beef up your home security) or get you moved to a new property quickly without his knowledge.

The police and Dv agencies can also help with this but they need YOU to tell them and ask for their help.

You say a photo isn't enough proof but going to the dr and getting injuries recorded contributes to evidence.

Be more proactive in working to get away from him, get all the help you can and DON'T listen to him or his bloody mother! They do not have you or your DCs interests at heart!

Op, you are worth more than this... I know it’s easy for me to sit behind my phone and say this but if you won’t do it for yourself then please do it for your kids. I had to watch my mum get bullied by my dad and it was sickening.

Does your parents know he is like this?

sausage its not about victim blaming. No-one is blaming the OP and everyone is being supportive. It's very hard to leave an abusive man (I speak as one with experience.)

But this post is a massive exercise in missing the point. Posters are very happy to support the OP but she has to realise that the MIL and her views are a massive distraction.

OP stop worrying about what your MIL thinks and focus your energies on getting the support you need to get yourself and your kids away from this violent man. The longer you spend obsessing about the MIL and what she says the less time and energy you have to get your kids away from this monster.

If you are worried about the example the MIL sets you should be far more concerned with the example you are setting to your own kids. Focus on what's important.

Hi, my mother, brother and I left with a black bag each and went into a women's refuge. The stuff and the house mean nothing. I know I hated our old house because of the memories it held. Just fill a bag each and go. Tell no one and just do it on a random day. Good luck x

Graphista - exactly what you said xx

Look, it is so simple - she is out for herself, and so she is on the side of her own children no matter what they do and she couldn't give a shit about decency or fair play, etc. She doesn't care about you - she only cares that eg if you split up she might see less of her grandchildren, so she pressurises you to stay and brushes off her son's abuse.

She wants her kids to have it easy, so she defends her dd, and manipulates you to give in to her son.

So simple!

So fuck her. She's not fair, she's not nice, and she's not a good grandmother.

Concentrate on getting out, NOW, and forever, and forget being distracted by this nasty woman.

Never mind what she should or shouldn't do. You should either kick him out or take the kids and go. Your more worried about what she should be doing than about doing what you need to for your safety and that of your children.

stop confiding in her - she is NOT your friend

she is protecting her daugher like her son, as they are HER family. YOU ARE NOT

dont stay OP, take your kids and run. this isnt an example for your children,, he will kill you and turn on them

I'm not condoning it but I do think that most mums out there will support their own dc over their inlaws dd/ds

You won't change her behaviour op.

She does it because the apple doesn't fall far from the tree - she's the tree.

You sound totally numbed to the violence and terror that this man is subjecting you to and the coercive and controlling behaviour perpetrated against you, not just by your husband, but also his mother.

I would strongly suggest you contact the police, make a statement and request their assistance having your husband removed from the property.

It's not too late. You have the photos and your testimony. You will almost certainly need all of this for family court proceedings. I echo a PP when I shout DO NOT TRUST THIS WOMAN, she is deliberately keeping you and your children living with a violent abuser, simply because it suits her to do so. She'll be your enemy in family proceedings, keep your cards close to your chest.

You are staying, you need to leave.

I found out my don was abusive to his partner. She confided in me. I was devastated.
Talked to him very strongly. He did it again.
I supported her to get out (with child, my GC)
Gave her money, emotional support. Got her back to her home country.
I knew my son, however much I love him, was behaving appallingly and I felt I had to protect DIL and GC.
My only request was she never tell my son what I'd done. I wanted to preserve a relationship with him because I hoped I could get him into counselling and alcohol support so he could be a better person.
Long story short, she contacted him after I had her safely away, sent him all the messages we had exchanged. He is furious with me.
She has now taken him back. He has gone to live in her home country and neither of them are speaking to me.
I haven't seen my GC for months, not even a photo.
I tried to do all the right things - be a support woman to woman despite my feelings as my son's mother I would not condone his behaviour and allow DIL or GC to be abused.
And now this. I've lost everything and all because I tried to help this woman. I do not understand her at all.

Your children are learning these behaviours from you both. They are learning that men hit and women don’t leave. When it is your son hitting his partner, or your daughter being hit, how will you behave? Your husband is an abuser, he probably learned it within his home too. Why won’t you be the one to break the cycle?