Pil visit to town son is student at

[22dontforget]

My son has been at uni for one week. He's not hugely confident but seems to have been making an effort to spend time with flat mates and talk to people on his course. Obviously weekends are hard to begin with because you don't have close friends yet, the days are long. I know this because he's our 4th child so we've been through it before. His flat mates while great fun at night are sleeping until 2pm and he's up at 9 so lonely. His grandparents are visiting his uni town next week with their grandson , my dn, It's a treat for Dn (10) to visit an army museum. When I heard I said great you can see ds, they seemed surprised. This town is 200 from me and 100 from then so no one is able to drop in on ds regularly. They have now told ds they'll drop in at 4pm on their way home. I'm really hurt they didn't think ds might like an invite to join them or lunch etc seems like he'll sit in his room on his second Sunday away from home until they call in to tell him about their day out 10 mins down the road. Knowing pil I'm pretty sure they just don't want to pay for him, meanwhile dn gets a day out . It just feels mean to be so near with another grandchild and only offer a quick drop in. They have no plans to go and visit ds any other time.

TruthOnTrial my own parents are wonderful grandparents but they are fully aware that my 8 yo daughter has nothing in common with her 17 year cousin. They simply would not try to do something together with the 2 of them - it wouldn't work.

I wouldn't have an issue if they were doing something with 1 and didn't include the other, if anything that's what I expect.

I think your heart is completely in the right place but you maybe need to communicate your ideas positively in order to get the right result.

I would firstly not raise DS's hopes (if he is lonely and would want to see them) by telling him GP are visiting his student town for a day trip, if they have no intention of including him. I would speak nicely to PIL to explain that you are wondering if DS is finding the first few weekends hard by himself, as experience from the past tells you there's a chance he could be, and if they are willing then offering to include him, the forthcoming trip might be a very welcome invitation for him. And you will pay/settle up with them. (you've mentioned you think they might not want to pay for him so just offer regardless of any rights or wrongs over it to bung them £20 or £30 for lunch and entry and whatever, it's worth it surely just to get the money issue out of the way if that's a factor).

If they make it clear they don't want to include DS on their trip or even see him without it being grudging and coming across as such, then you have to weigh up chances of him finding out, whether he would be happy with a 4pm visit rather than the offer of the whole day out etc. If he could find out they'd been without mentioning it to him then he needs to know they are coming. But ideally you'd appeal to their better nature/grandparently love to include DS and help them empathise on how he might be feeling, whilst still acknowledging that DS might have an offer to go out with some new pals so if so, they won't be offended or make it obvious to him they are.

Then you can present (or let them present) DS with their visit idea, ideally a choice of whole day trip or 4pm visit if he doesn't have other plans. (at this stage if he has a chance of invitation with new pals he should definitely take it without feeling guilty about turning GP down, as it's the early weeks when some people are in the same boat that bonds are made and friendships are formed).

It could be your DS would be happy with just a 4pm visit, or actually doesn't mind not meeting up with them this time, you don't know. Ideally they would offer him the choice of joining them on the trip or a 4pm visit.

Some GPs need a little push in the right direction, they can be a bit thoughtless and find it hard to empathise somehow even if they are loving. If they are generally good GPs then I would just make try to make things happen in as positive a way as possible (and whinge behind the scenes to your friends or on MN)

Not sure if anyone has suggested asking on the Higher Education forum? You'll find lots of people there whose children are just starting or already at uni, lots of practical support and empathy, and other parents whose student dcs are feeling much like yours. I've just skimmed through the replies on here, and some of them seem a bit unkind...

He's only been there for one week. You're saying 'weekends are difficult' but he's only had, at the most, two - and one of them must have been his first one?!

Yes, his flatmates are sleeping until 2pm every day now because it's fresher's week and they are going out every single night and drinking too much. They won't be able to do that every day when they get their lecture timetables and the actual work starts.

You have no idea what will happen over the next week or two - by the time his grandparents' visit comes around, he might have met a girl, joined a club, made some more friends, have a terrible hangover ... imagine if he has an offer from his friends to go out and do something where he would actually meet people and he has to say no because he's meeting his grandparents instead?

I found it pretty hard to settle at university and it took me a while to find a group of friends etc - I'm shy and although I was more than happy to go out for a drink, I wasn't really into clubbing much or anything - but I don't think my grandparents visiting when I was a fortnight into university life would have helped me at all! It's better to be able to find your feet by yourself in the first month or so, really. If he has nothing to do that day and fancies popping into town to meet them for a coffee or something after they've been to the museum, fine, he can give them a call on the day (himself - you don't need to arrange these things for him any more) and meet them if it's convenient - but I don't really think it's necessary for them to take him out to lunch (with his ten-year-old cousin in tow) or for him to spend the day with them. And I don't think it's ideal for them to 'pop in' to his university accommodation. Particularly if his flatmates who sleep in until 2pm are slobbing around in their boxers and stinking of beer from the night before.

PS Bluntness I had a fantastic time at uni, a floor full of like-minded, nice, fun people in halls etc who I got stuck in with straight away, made good friends on day 1 from my course etc - but I remember still the loneliness and drag of some the first terms' worth of weekends, when people disappear off home themselves, or shut themselves in their room for the afternoon/sleep all the time, and there's nobody about. The course doesn't really kick in properly with reading, research, assignments etc until a good 6 weeks in, so there's only so much initial pretend studying, rearranging of tiny room and shopping on a student budget for one that you can do in a day. Obviously as time moves on, the free time gets taken up with study or fun or hanging out with friends but the first term can definitely be the hardest/loneliest no matter how well adjusted you are and how well you get on with the people around you.

I absolutely would wft Its only a short meet up, I didn't advocate a whole day, as that would crash the planned day foe the museum treat.

I would not avoid cousins getting together for part of a day over ages and shizzle?! What nonsense.

Yes, those first weeks are hard. Students are in their rooms or out, or home, and noone knows each other. It takes time and a lot of socialising to get everyone comfortable with each other and talking easily.

Some won't make it past those first weeks. Some are utterly miserable and will feel they've failed

Selfish and inconsiderate tbh.

always nice to see potential mental wellbeing issues being treated sensitively on AIBU as usual hmm. Struggling with loneliness living away from home doesn't make anyone a wimp

I don't think anyone is asaying he should stay in his room and suck up being lonely. They're suggesting that getting out, joining a new club, doing an activity, doing so exercise, trying to connect with people other than his flatmates, will all do more to help his unhappiness and loneliness in the long run than going out for the day with his grandparents and cousin.

StarlingsinSummer OP has mentioned loneliness rather than unhappiness. She's also said her son is making efforts. It's not an either or situation - sometimes it's just nice to see familiar faces.

A lot of posters on this thread seem to have some weird unwritten rules about university students and family contact.

@BearsOnTheStairs
The course doesn't really kick in properly with reading, research, assignments etc until a good 6 weeks in,

Bloody hell, what sort of University for slackers did you go to? Our terms were only 8 weeks long, we were writing assignments by week 2. And you know that reading lists are distributed before the start of term, din’t you?

Tell them they need to include him as you feel there being unfair.

Argumentative

I didn't want to spell it out, but I am seriously bright so what I term as "pretend studying" (fresher month level) is someone else's in-depth/panic studying.

dh lectures at uni. They get a week to party and attend sexual health talks !!!! Then it's straight in, no "freshers month".

Another one gently suggest he looks into societies and clubs - a huge amount of them will be holding “come and try it” sessions at the weekends during the first couple of weeks of term. I didn’t get on with my housemates in first year, but luckily I found some great friends through a society. Maybe suggest he looks up something cheap/free to do locally that he can suggest to either his housemates or course mates to do? At uni you really can’t just hang around waiting to be approached - you need to take a big deep breath and dive in. Everyone’s in the same boat so will probably be grateful for the suggestion of something to do/someone to hang out with!!

Agree on clubs. One of my DDs joined the 'Tea Club'. She loves tea and used to meet up regularly to taste tea, make tea, just generally hang out.

OP
Have you encouraged him to join societies?

Is he a 5 year old?

What normal student would want to spend their weekend walking around a museum with their grandma?

Yeah, he really needs to be making an effort to do something uni based at the weekend, not going to museums with granny. I think their suggestion of meeting him at 4 for a cup.of tea sounds very sensible.

Ha - OP, my own father came to work for 3 days in my University town, and didn't even tell me

I didn't find out till about 3 years later. Apparently he didn't want to cramp my style...

That's fine zebra, some people relish their new found independence and are happy for family to take a back seat, but in OP's son's case, it sounds like he might welcome a visit (that's longer than the proposed pit stop).

Actually I was moderately hurt & pissed off, fascicle - I would have loved to have seen him!

But I tried not to take it to heart. It was a long time ago! I do understand that he didn't want to 'impose' on me as a young student.