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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pil visit to town son is student at

144 replies

22dontforget · 22/09/2019 21:27

My son has been at uni for one week. He's not hugely confident but seems to have been making an effort to spend time with flat mates and talk to people on his course. Obviously weekends are hard to begin with because you don't have close friends yet, the days are long. I know this because he's our 4th child so we've been through it before. His flat mates while great fun at night are sleeping until 2pm and he's up at 9 so lonely. His grandparents are visiting his uni town next week with their grandson , my dn, It's a treat for Dn (10) to visit an army museum. When I heard I said great you can see ds, they seemed surprised. This town is 200 from me and 100 from then so no one is able to drop in on ds regularly. They have now told ds they'll drop in at 4pm on their way home. I'm really hurt they didn't think ds might like an invite to join them or lunch etc seems like he'll sit in his room on his second Sunday away from home until they call in to tell him about their day out 10 mins down the road. Knowing pil I'm pretty sure they just don't want to pay for him, meanwhile dn gets a day out . It just feels mean to be so near with another grandchild and only offer a quick drop in. They have no plans to go and visit ds any other time.

OP posts:

Wonkybanana · 22/09/2019 22:25

One of my father's favourite sayings was 'if you can't do anything else, you can always go home'. If anyone had said that to me on my second weekend at uni I'd have cried buckets, because I couldn't. (Well, not really. Even I knew it wouldn't be a good idea.)

I had the best time at uni and ended up as SU president. Give him time.

milliefiori · 22/09/2019 22:26

Leave him to settle in. Their suggestion of a quick hello at 4pm is a good one - he shouldn't be takimg a whole day to hang out with relatives after only a few days at uni.

Having flatmates who sleep until 2pm has nothing to do with him. He can go out into the uni, to lectures, talks, the bar, the union, the library, clubs and societies to make friends and get some work done. Its no one's job to entertain him now he's a grown man.

fedup21 · 22/09/2019 22:27

Surely his grandparents thought that the last thing he’d want to do would be go to a museum with them in his first month of uni

This, absolutely!

Leeds2 · 22/09/2019 22:27

I think I would be grateful that they were staying out of the way!

Could you suggest to them that they meet him in town for coffee and cake type thing?

Fairyliz · 22/09/2019 22:32

But does your son actually want to spend the whole day with them or is it just you fretting?
Like other posters I would assume it would be the last thing he would want. If it’s only his second week at university how do you know that’s next week his flat mates will be sleeping in?

Smelborp · 22/09/2019 22:37

I also thought that he wouldn’t want to see them so soon. If they pop in at 4, perhaps they could meet for a coffee or cake in one of the student areas?

In terms of being lonely, whilst his flat mates might be sleeping till 2pm, the gym and sports places (if there are any) will be open sooner. These were either free or heavily discounted at my uni (but this was pre-history virtually). It’s a perfect time for developing new habits and patterns, so why not healthy ones? If he’s really not sporty, there will be other activities he can take up and everyone will just be starting to explore these together. His weekends now are a precious time to meet people and get to know them. There’s a world outside his flat and flatmates.

Drabarni · 22/09/2019 22:40

Why is he sitting in his room, bored?I have a 15 year old dd who managed to get out and do things, meet new people, living away from home.

Darbs76 · 22/09/2019 22:41

Just message them and say he’s still finding his feet at uni and would appreciate the company. Tell them you’ll ping over the extra costs

Original poster

22dontforget · 22/09/2019 22:41

Okay. It seems I'm wrong to be hurt. No back story we've had a lot of contact through the kids childhood. Just thought they'd genuinely want to take him out for lunch. He'll be fine I know, those of you saying why is he staying in his room. he is trying to be sociable but his flat mates said they'd go to the beach on Saturday and then didn't get up until 2 and didn't want to go out. Of course he could walk around town on his own but he's a 19 year old boy it's not quite that simple at that age. He's used to a busy home, definitely family meals at weekends. His dad and I popping into his room it is lonely to begin with.

OP posts:

ffswhatnext · 22/09/2019 22:47

He could go to where other students hang out. He doesn't have to rely on the housemates. He could have still gone, who knows he might have met new people.

IsobelRae23 · 22/09/2019 22:51

Most students week 2 are still in bed recovering from hangovers, and the thought of a museum and grandparents along with little sibling would be their idea of hell!!!

ChicCroissant · 22/09/2019 22:51

Has your son actually said he'd like to see them for lunch? Because it sounds like you think he should want to meet them for lunch and I agree with PP, that I wouldn't expect anyone two weeks in to Uni to meet up with relatives tbh!

Don't assume that he feels the same as you, OP. It is hard when they move away but don't confuse his possible sense of boredom with loneliness.

Cherrysoup · 22/09/2019 22:51

Also thought you were going to warn them off visiting to let him find some friends. Spending the day with his grandparents is not the way forward at this point, IMO.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 22/09/2019 22:52

Why on earth do you think he’d be sitting in his room all day? Even if he has nobody to hang out with he can go out to explore the town, food shopping, exercise as someone else suggested, go and buy himself a new T shirt or two, cinema, or even get on with some studying in a cafe with his laptop or a book? Are you one of those people who think that it’s weird to do things like shopping and exploring by yourself? It’s even easier to do that these days when you can have quick online chats with people to keep you connected to humanity even if going about your business alone. No shame in it.

Also, how can he possibly know the flatmates will be sleeping till 2 every single weekend day?

You sound a bit over- anxious. Honestly, it’s pretty hilarious that you think any new student would jump at the chance to go to a military museum with his GPs and 10 year old cousin! Is there a wider history of mental health issues going on here?

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 22/09/2019 22:57

but he's a 19 year old boy it's not quite that simple at that age.

Cross posted. I was an au pair in Paris for a year when I was 19. I had few friends but Sundays were brilliant, I would wander round alone for hours drinking it all in, going to galleries, people watching. I came from a happy family home but didn’t yearn for it when I was away. 19 is more than old enough to amuse yourself in town fur a day! The last thing I’d have wanted was Granny turning up...

Witchend · 22/09/2019 22:59

Would your ds actually enjoy the museum?

I know that my ds loves that sort of thing. He can spend half an hour standing staring at a Harrier Jump Jet and asking questions. If I add another child, even my own dds then they are bored. They don't want to stand there while he asks the technical questions what they need to get the handbook out to look at.
Because of that I wouldn't choose to add another child to the mix, it means neither of them is able to enjoy the day with me as much as one on one.

I'd also be concerned that if they get up at 2pm, and he's out for the day, he'll arrive back to find they've all gone off elsewhere and he's alone all evening. At this point making bonds with his fellow students is more important than seeing family.

Why don't you phone up the grandparents and ask if they'll take him out for lunch in 6th week? 6th week seemed to be the time when people got low when I was a student. We even called it 6th week blues. Then they can focus on him for the time, and this weekend they can focus on your dn.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 22/09/2019 23:00

Sounds more like you are projecting your own empty nest unhappiness here OP. Chin up, he’ll be home at Christmas with a massive appetite and a backpack full of dirty clothes.

NicolaStart · 22/09/2019 23:03

Utterly drippy.

HeddaGarbled · 22/09/2019 23:04

It’s hard to let go, I know, but you must. It’s for him to make arrangements with his grandparents now if he wants to, not you. You need to stay out of this.

cochineal7 · 22/09/2019 23:07

I also thought this would be the reverse situation: how to get GPs to leave him be. Goodness, he is 19 - he is an adult who should be able to function by himself without his mum arranging a meeting with his grandparents. If he wants to join why doesn’t HE call them? Why does that need your intervention? Will you be micromanaging the rest of his life?

NicolaStart · 22/09/2019 23:07

Nineteen years old?
Have you infantilised all your kids?

Yes he can go to town on his own.

He can go to the Students Union.

He can join one if the many student societies / clubs

He can go to the library and get a head start in his reading,

Nineteen years old and you want to manage relations between him and his grandparents taking a child out for a day?

HollowTalk · 22/09/2019 23:10

Could your son join a club that operates on a Sunday, such as a walking club? I know some groups go off in a minibus to walk - that would be a great way of making new friends. Or does he have any particular interests?

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 22/09/2019 23:15

a club that operates on a Sunday
What a good idea! Maybe one that meets in a nice old building? And they could have singing and some rules about welcoming new people and being nice to each other? I wonder if that sort of thing exists?

manicinsomniac · 22/09/2019 23:21

I'm going against the grain on this one. I don't think YABU and I would have been upset to miss the opportunity to see my grandparents properly when they were going to be so close - even in freshers week.

I loved university right from the beginning (bit homesick in the early evenings for a couple of weeks but essentially very happy) and I would NOT have been impressed to have to see my parents after only a week away.

But grandparents would have been different I didn't live with them and they weren't local so seeing them wasn't that common an occurence. To miss out on spending time with them when they were so close would have hurt me, definitely. The uni friends will be there all term. The grandparents are only there for one afternoon.

Tonnerre · 22/09/2019 23:22

Are you sure he would be sitting on his own all day, just because that is what happened this week? You seem to suggest that he is totally dependent on his flatmate for people to do things with, yet he will have been presented with so many offers of things to do, clubs to join, activities to try etc during Freshers' week. It really is difficult to believe that the only thing a student can do on a weekend afternoon is sit in his room or walk around the town.

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