Pil visit to town son is student at

[22dontforget]

My son has been at uni for one week. He's not hugely confident but seems to have been making an effort to spend time with flat mates and talk to people on his course. Obviously weekends are hard to begin with because you don't have close friends yet, the days are long. I know this because he's our 4th child so we've been through it before. His flat mates while great fun at night are sleeping until 2pm and he's up at 9 so lonely. His grandparents are visiting his uni town next week with their grandson , my dn, It's a treat for Dn (10) to visit an army museum. When I heard I said great you can see ds, they seemed surprised. This town is 200 from me and 100 from then so no one is able to drop in on ds regularly. They have now told ds they'll drop in at 4pm on their way home. I'm really hurt they didn't think ds might like an invite to join them or lunch etc seems like he'll sit in his room on his second Sunday away from home until they call in to tell him about their day out 10 mins down the road. Knowing pil I'm pretty sure they just don't want to pay for him, meanwhile dn gets a day out . It just feels mean to be so near with another grandchild and only offer a quick drop in. They have no plans to go and visit ds any other time.

You seem to be projecting what you think he's feeling. He's 19. He might be a bit lonely, but that doesn't mean he wants to hang around with his grandparents and 10 year old cousin for the day.

I think butt out for now. He's big and old enough to make his own arrangements if he wants to.

YABVU! You're just like my MIL, trying to control plans when something is already in place Your in laws have already made arrangements and if they wanted your DS to join them, they would have asked. It's their time with DN, leave them be.

when he has no other plans

how do you know? Maybe he's got a raucous Saturday night out planned and he doesn't want to be up at 9am on a Sunday.

Now he knows no one gets up till 2pm, perhaps he'll adjust!

I feel sorry for the kid. He probably is a soft wimp but that’s due to you. Ok flame me everyone. Protecting kids seems noble but they’ll have to face the real world and some point and I’d rather help them be prepared for it

And fuck me having reread fully he’s been there one week. One. Why is he desperate to hang out with the grandparents? Is he anyway or is this just a figment of your imagination? If this is his first time living away from home maybe he might actually enjoy it.

Perhaps he needs to try a bit harder at staying up late and sleeping in like all of his would-be uni pals.

Another one who thinks it's better he spends this time building up new relationships with the people around him.

I think you are being too mummsy,saying your son will be sat in his room alone on a Sunday, he surely can go out to do something alone for a while. When my son, and then daughter went to uni's years ago, they would not have liked any visits from adults while settling in.And your PIL probably know this.

How does the Nephew feel about having his special day trip gate crashed? He might not be overly happy about it, if it's a special treat just for him.

Of course he could walk around town on his own but he's a 19 year old boy it's not quite that simple at that age. He's used to a busy home, definitely family meals at weekends. His dad and I popping into his room it is lonely to begin with

He’s an adult now and will need to get used to learning adult things and being resourceful. If his flat mates aren’t up until 2pm, there’ll be a myriad of sports, clubs and societies he can join and meet other early birds.

I hear what you are saying OP. We are also a close family and I would have been disappointed if family had been heading to Daughter's Uni town and not visited or made contact to see her.

Uni friendships can be fickle. The group that has decided to share the accommodation might not all click. I remember one group in Daughter's year where 5 of them were looking at shared accommodation, however 4 of them had planned to out the 5th upon signing... nasty bits of work and it didn't stop there either over time.

Anyhow that was OT to your thread. I know its just the start of his University life, but I would suggest finding hobby groups or interests away from those around him. That way if they do click, then it's well and good, but if they don't, he has something else for ''him'' to look forward to each week.

In the meanwhile, I would be having stern words with the g. parents about how they feel he would react once he hears they have been in town but they haven't bothered to touch base. My guess is they just haven't considered it at all.

Good luck.

Yabu, your DS needs to start socialising and making friends, he is at uni not school.

He's 19 years old. Time to cut the apron strings and stop managing his social life. So he's by himself for a few hours, big fucking deal. He needs to grow up and learn that it is not everyone else's job to amuse him.

My guess is they just haven't considered it at all.

Probably not because they have arranged a special day trip out for another one of their grandkids.

So your 10 year old nephew is having a special treat day with his grandparents and you’re trying to force your 18/19 year old into their plans?
That’s not nice.

I disagree with most of the posts here. Not everyone can just throw themselves into uni life - a lot of students really suffer in the early days. They've been sold this idea that at uni they will make tons of friends and have a great life, but for many that takes a lot longer than a few weeks and it actually helps them to settle if they don't feel completely cut off from their families.

They are not grown adults either at this stage imo - they are teenagers, living away from home for the first time. I think many would benefit from a more gentle introduction to it all.
So I think it would be nice to be invited.

Of course he could walk around town on his own but he's a 19 year old boy it's not quite that simple at that age.

Can you explain this for me?

Some of the posters here are very harsh and take a 'cut them off at 18' type approach. I wonder if they are as hard on their own kids as they are telling you to be with yours!
I don't think it takes anything away from the 10 year old to meet up with their cousin for lunch or something.

OP, this seems to be all about what you think should happen though. What does he want? Because if he really wanted to spend time with his grandparents and cousins he can surely ring them himself and say “hey, I hear you’re up here in a couple of weeks, mind if I come over to the museum etc as well?”

Quite aside from whether he should or shouldn’t or may or may not be doing his own thing at this stage, he is an adult capable of making his own arrangements with his own grandparents. He doesn’t need you to do that for him.

Can’t you just say to DS that granny, grandpa and cousin are going to museum x on Sunday and want to pop by at 4pm. Then he can call them himself and confirm the plan or say to them I can meet you at the museum. He’s surely got a phone.

I also thought you were going to be complaining about them gatecrashing when he's settling in and trying to make friends!

I think the range of responses on here shows that it probably wasn't malicious on your PILs part - they maybe just had a different perspective to you. They may also have wanted this day to be about their other GC, to give him some one on one time with grandparents.

If there's no backstory and they're usually reasonable people, just chalk this one up to a mismatch in views and let it go. As you say, your son will soon be settled in and feeling happier and then you won't worry about things like this so much.

Taking a ten year old out for a treat is a nice thing to do.

How close are the ten year old and the 19 year old?

I may have missed it, but I don't see anywhere that you've said DS actually wants them to visit?! It seems you've waded in and organised all this over his head?

I can't think of anything worse than GPs turning up at his shared flat, which is probably a health hazard already. Not only that, turning up at 4 is just when his flatmates will be rolling out of bed, trying to eat with a hangover, wandering round in their pants etc etc.

How do you think his flatmates will feel at 2 random pensioners and a child rocking up - assuming there's even somewhere for them to sit, oftem there's no sitting room - they've all been turned into bedrooms - so they'll be in the kitchen with a weeks worth if dirty dishes, left over take aways and beer cans. I'm sure they and your DS are delighted at the prospect.

I have no idea what you mean about it not being simple for him to go into town alone at 19. I genuinely have no idea what the issue would be?

If he's not managing to be sociable with his flatmates he needs to join in with other people from his course. Or join a load of clubs just to meet people, any old thing, he can drop out of the ones he doesn't like in a few weeks.

I think what you should have done us told DS his GPs would be nearby and told him to give them a ring if he wanted to see if they could meet for coffee. Expecting them to want him to crash His cousin's treat (that involves a 200mile round-trip so must be a big big treat) is frankly bonkers.

Wow a lot of assumptions made here about DC’s at uni, there’s a lot of loneliness particularly in the first year.
I’d like to think an offer of lunch would be made, as well as just a general check up that things were fine, and he had everything he needed. And a hug!

I think your ds and pils should make arrangements together and without you.

Also it will do your ds good to get out and about at uni. There are so, so many things to do. Dd went on her bike to the town centre on her second day, bought herself some bits and pieces then ate a sandwich on the beach. Totally by herself and loving the freedom.