Pil visit to town son is student at

[22dontforget]

My son has been at uni for one week. He's not hugely confident but seems to have been making an effort to spend time with flat mates and talk to people on his course. Obviously weekends are hard to begin with because you don't have close friends yet, the days are long. I know this because he's our 4th child so we've been through it before. His flat mates while great fun at night are sleeping until 2pm and he's up at 9 so lonely. His grandparents are visiting his uni town next week with their grandson , my dn, It's a treat for Dn (10) to visit an army museum. When I heard I said great you can see ds, they seemed surprised. This town is 200 from me and 100 from then so no one is able to drop in on ds regularly. They have now told ds they'll drop in at 4pm on their way home. I'm really hurt they didn't think ds might like an invite to join them or lunch etc seems like he'll sit in his room on his second Sunday away from home until they call in to tell him about their day out 10 mins down the road. Knowing pil I'm pretty sure they just don't want to pay for him, meanwhile dn gets a day out . It just feels mean to be so near with another grandchild and only offer a quick drop in. They have no plans to go and visit ds any other time.

Haven't read the full thread, but totally sympathise OP.

Not quite the same, but MIL used to accompany SIL to medical appointments in the town where DS was studying. Not once did they contact him beforehand, to meet for a coffee or lunch. Never had time.

But they were quick to phone us and ask us to pick up something from a shop that they had seen in the town, next time we visited DS. I declined.

Typical of my in-laws - only want us if we can be useful in some way, or pay for something.

Actually I do think it would have been nice if they’d made the offer 22dontforget. I also wonder if their ‘pop in’ suggestion is sensible - he will have to let his flatmates know as they might be in and have other plans that don’t involve tidying up for a visit from grandparents. Your parents should invite him out to tea - that way your nephew won’t feel his day has been hijacked, although if I were a young boy I would love going to an army museum with an interested and enthusiastic older cousin.

You seem to be ignoring that the museum visit is supposed to be a treat for the 10-yr-old. It's a bit insensitive to suggest your DS gatecrash it.
I also assumed from the heading that you were going to be complaining about them visiting your DS too soon. Let your DS organise the arrangements for the visit. If he doesn't wan them to come to his dorm, I'm sure he's capable of saying he'll meet them somewhere near the museum.

Has he actually told you he is lonely, or are you surmising?

I've seen my lot through Uni and fretted at home but honestly, OP, you have to leave them to it, especially in freshers week/fortnight. One minute he might be hanging around in his room, the next minute he could be having a blast with someone from his Halls. But you will be doing him a disservice by trying to arrange grandparents outings for him.

He would be sleeping in with the rest of the students if he was up all night partying....

He’s there to study, not to hang out with his grandparents, nor to make friends.

God, dd wouldn't want someone's grandparents turning up in her kitchen tbf. Can randoms just turn up in halls?

I had this while I was at Uni. my aunt was down on a semi frequent basis with her dh and my cousin, for anything from seeing things at the theater to my cousins sport competitions or just outdoor activities-

yet they never thought to let me know they were down, or see if I wanted to meet for coffee or anything, it hurt for a while, but then I just had to accept that that was the way things were. which still sucks and I may hold a small grudge over the fact -

but it comes down to if they are thinking of other people or just themselves -

I hope your son settles in soon- maybe see if he can join a clun that has activities on a Sunday - mine was a saving grace- the activities (Archery) were on a Friday evening and Sunday day- with socials on a Wednesday - and we usually all went to have lunch after practice on a Sunday, DND groups were formed from the club, and people I met there are still my close friends !!!!

He’s only been there a week!

I can see both sides, they are taking dn out so meeting for lunch in the middle of the day could be a bit of a pain, I think visiting at 4pm will be easier for them.

I’m dreading my dd starting uni in a couple years, she has Aspergers and will struggle with filling her spare time, I think I will be having to visit her or paying for the train for her to come home at the weekends (depending on what uni she goes too).

That isn't very fair IMO. They could've at least asked if he wanted to join.
Those first few weeks of uni are lonely. I missed my mum and dad terribly and remember crying I was only 18 so it was all new to me! Luckily got over it within about a week. Freshers week helped and I had good flat mates who knew people in other blocks so made friends quite quickly. Does his uni halls have a student room? We used to go in there to watch films etc I only left uni 5 years ago so not sure how much it has changed

I too thought it would be the opposite, how to get them to leave your ds alone.

Popping in to see him at 4pm is perfect if he isn't still hungover is happy for them to do so

Of course he could walk around town on his own but he's a 19 year old boy it's not quite that simple at that age.

Erm, 12 year olds go to town on their own, does your ds have sn that I've missed you mentioning?
If not, you really haven't raised him to be independant, since when has a 19 year old been a boy? he's a grown man who won't leave his room, I'd be worried and damn right ashamed if he was my son.

He’s there to study, not to hang out with his grandparents, nor to make friends

Of course he's there to make friends, whyever not??!

My eldest DC 10 years from leaving Uni is bridesmaid to her best friend she met at Uni next weekend, she holidays with her Uni friends probably 5 times a year, and shares a flat with one of them. Uni friends can be the most enduring friendships of all so no idea why you say he's not there to make friends!

Herocomplex
Wow a lot of assumptions made here about DC’s at uni, there’s a lot of loneliness particularly in the first year.
I’d like to think an offer of lunch would be made, as well as just a general check up that things were fine, and he had everything he needed. And a hug!

I agree. There's an abundance of posters being very prescriptive about how OP/her son should be behaving. The early days of university can be tough for some students. I would have thought/hoped that people were more in tune with the importance of mental health and wellbeing these days. OP is best placed to know whether or not her son would welcome some time with visiting grandparents. In their position, I would do something to include him if that's what he wanted. No reason why this should detract, rather than add to, their other grandson's enjoyment of his day.

Why do they need to visit him? I cannot recall a single grandparent visiting anyone I knew at either of the universities I attended. They probably are/ were not planning on ever doing that!

@meccacos2 not at uni to make friends?! That is a very bizarre statement. Going away to university is about so much more than getting your degree. It's sad that people think otherwise.

When DH went to uni his parents dropped in on him and he was mortified. Was teased about it mercilessly for weeks.

It was the beginning of him realising that his mother was an enmeshed weirdo that people did like.

Leave it up to your son. He’s an adult now. He doesn’t need you to arrange dates for him!

He’s there to study, not to hang out with his grandparents, nor to make friends.

Of course a huge part of it is making friends and joining in with hobbies and societies.

I'm going against the grain on this one. I don't think YABU and I would have been upset to miss the opportunity to see my grandparents properly when they were going to be so close - even in freshers week

I agree. My grandmothers were both too old to "pop in" when I was uni but I'd have been upset if another relative had been in my university city and not been in touch.

I used to find Sundays pretty boring actually, worst day of the week (still is). Students are lazy and stay in bed all day - either asleep or with their other halves. If you don't want to do that or don't have an other half to spend the day in bed with it IS quite lonely.

...enmeshed weirdo that people DIDN’T like.

Still is and still don’t!

When DH went to uni his parents dropped in on him and he was mortified. Was teased about it mercilessly for weeks

????? When I was at uni people's parents were "popping in" all the time, and people went home all the time. I went home twice in my first term, less often after that. One of my housemates went home every weekend, she only lived about 45 mins away. I went with one of my other housemates when she went home. It was quite interesting how the teens who found their parents excruciatingly embarassing suddenly wanted to spend time with them, even if they did only want to take their washing home.

Yes berlinbabylon we had the same, I’d think it strange if my DC’s couldn’t be friendly to other people’s relatives.
I got treated to some nice meals out as well!

My own dc would have been arranging to meet their grandparents themselves, They were managing their own relationship with their grandparents way before they went away to Uni.

They would not have wanted to intrude on a day out between their grandparents and another grandchild. I also wouldn't assume that the museum trip would include a lunch out, it's the sort of thing I'd take a picnic for.

Can I ask is this more about your ds seeing his grandparents or an expectation that they take him out for a meal and feed him? You've mentioned taking him for lunch a few times.

I consider it inappropriate to turn up at a new students new digs, with new housemates.

Its also weird to have family so close who wouldn't make contact with another DGC to say where they'll be and that it would be lovely to see them.

Why would you take one DGC to a treat and ignore another in the same city, 10 mins away? No, it doesn't make sense or sound very kind. Especially as all family is so far away.

I also thought it would be about crashing into DS first weeks at uni, which, as I already said, isn't on.

Thats very different though to meeting out.

To call into a new house, on way home, well it just doesn't exactly smack of interest in their DGS does it.

It smacks of sad afterthought, well, no even that, as it was prompted. It'd be quite upsetting to think that ones DGPs wouldn't just want to set up an arrangement to join them at some point after the museum main event.

I'm also a bit surprised by this.

Just because his friends don't get up till two doesn't mean he is lonely
Surely he can do a few hours on his own?

You seem to be making this trip all about your son and shouldn't be.